The Sick House

What do you do when you're under the weather and shouldn't go out? You watch eight episodes of The Good Wife, listen to "Before the Rain" five times in a row and then troll for dirt. American Pie's Jason Biggs's wife wrote about hiring a hooker to spice up their year-long marriage: http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/humor/jenny-and-her-husband-get-a-whore This is a family show, though Dish found this entertaining. It's too easy to judge so I'll just say Mazel Tov to the satisfied couple. I'm glad TG and I are too co-dependent, paranoid and neurotic to make that kind of effort or spend the money.

I did more high-brow reading too. Like the profile on Naomi Watts in More magazine. Last year, I put Cosmo down forever because FYI I'm not 26 anymore and the quizzes started to run together. The Office's brilliant Mindy Kaling wrote a funny piece about romantic comedies in The New Yorker: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2011/10/03/111003sh_shouts_kaling?currentPage=all. See? I read. Will start re-reading Choderlos de Laclos's Les Liaisons Dangereuses tonight...in French. That's right.

Oh, and Nicole Ritchie has new tatas.

Finally: 15 days until TG and I witness the majesty of Duran Duran in our nation's capital--though Dish might be seeing it alone due to a scheduling conflict. Dish on the loose at the concert? Yikes.

This Could Be a Disaster

Dishbrother and I fear that Meryl Streep's The Iron Lady will be the new Mommie Dearest. The poster is just too much. I enjoyed Meryl's Julia Child, but have the icky 6th sense her Thatcher will have us rolling in the aisles and not in a good way. Bon appetit! Scrub, Christina, scrub!!!

Day 3 of Ashgate: Demi and Ashton were caught celebrating Rosh Hashanah together today. That's MADNESS! Ash's alleged bed partner is allegly trying to make tons of money over the tryst. Did she CSI the "remains" of the lay? I wonder what Demi/Ashton are doing right now. Do they care what I'm doing? Dish is posted in front of a fan, hoping the dank heat in the apartment lifts. Oh hell, maybe it's early menopause. Cut to Samantha from Sex and the City hurling her wig into the audience and wiping her boob sweat.

Speaking of boobs, the buzz is that Chris Christie might run for Prez. As a resident of New Jersey, Dishmama is, no doubt, fuming. But can we cut the fat jokes? David Letterman did a dull, offensive top 10 that probably incensed most of America.

Justin Theroux woke up to bologna on his motorcycle. There are so many jokes one could make.

The Big C finale has blown my mind with one of those "twists." And just started watching one of 5 last episodes of All My Children. Seeing Angie and Jesse together made me sob like a jackass.

Demi & Ashton: Silence is Deadly!

You gotta wonder--no one is denying the breakup, which makes me think: 1. They might really be breaking up. 2. Someone has crabs. 3. We've been punked. 4. They are building hype for world domination. That would be so Ashton/Demi. In all of this, I envision many, many hot Twitter pics of Demi in a bikini.

So where were you when Ashton and Demi began their courtship? It must have been 2003. 9/11 still fresh, which means Dish wasn't sleeping much, along with most of NYC. I was single, long hair, getting ready for a trip to New Mexico. Dating a little but not into it, going to a Hell's Kitchen bar every Friday to ogle a bartender who had no interest in me. Not so bad really. When Ashton and Demi started dating, I felt hope that I could be a hot cougar someday. I didn't have to automatically date mildly-depressed paunchy men twenty years older than me (because that was all that responded to my online ads the second I hit 35). I couldn't envision then that I'd ever meet my own hunkalicious Prince Charming...

...or that we'd appear on Anderson Cooper's new talk show (and I do mention "Duran Duran" in the interview). Details to come. Dishmama will kill me for spilling but it's a slow news day and I'm immersed in drudgery not of a personal nature. This picture is worth the jinx. Move over, Kathy Griffin. Dish is Anderson's new BFF.

Demi and Ashton: Is It True?

An End of Days clue came last year with whispers of Ashton straying. Ash & Demi then posed seductively on Twitter afterwards, with her arms and legs all over his. Phew, marriage intact. Now there are more whispers, with Demi hinting oh so cryptically that maybe life ain't so rosy with a man who could be Dish's son (using high science). Posting/not posting on Twitter is clear evidence of clear BS to Dish. I believe all was done for a while. Most stars break up. I just want to know...when will Bruce and Demi get back together?

RHoBH: New housewives Brandi Glanville is branding herself as a bitch, but I'm so over it. There are enough bitches in the housewives franchise. How is she different? Does she read books? It's sad to see how Taylor *is* getting frighteningly skinny. I say, send her and her daughter to Canyon Ranch for at least six months. I'll join!

A List New York: I keep saying I'll stop watching but I can't. It's Gay White Trash.

Dr. Conrad Murray's trial is happening. My problem with this is, yes, he was probably irresponsible. But so many other doctors are involved...and Michael Jackson did the bulk of the damage to himself in his adult years.

And the Oscar Should Go to...

...Brad Pitt! You know Dish is serious because Brad has not always been a fave. In Moneyball--Dish's top pick for the year--he kicks one out of the park. Gorgeously shot, gripping script (thanks, once again, to Aaron Sorkin), and Jonah Hill proves he can do more than play a gawky stoner. This is what Jerry Maguire could have been. Even if you're not into baseball, it's worth the gazillions you pay in the movie theater. Don't hesitate. Go now! Let's nudge The Lion King out of that top spot!

SNL cast members Abby Elliott and Fred Armisen have split. AWKWARD! Reminds Dish of the time she walked in on very first boyfriend French kissing another girl at a party with everyone watching to see reaction. Oh wait, that's not even the same situation. Never mind!

Southwest Airlines can't keep themselves out of the news. The L Word and Yoplait commercial actress who got to kiss Gale Harold in that scary miscarriage movie Leisha Hailey was kissing her GF on the plane and, apparently, was escorted out by SW personnel. SW maintains that several passengers complained about excessive PDA (pulling off panties or just the French?). If it had been a man/woman kissing, no one would have said BOO. Dish gets uncomfortable witnessing any public sexy PDA sessions, unless with dogs, lions and birds. Then it's just fun.

Chest area casualties: Nancy Grace had an alleged nip slip on DWTS. Ellen DeGeneres had a mild heart scare and she's fine.

Desperate is not Serious

Desperate Housewives. Really bad. Someone who deserved to die died and now the wives are desperate to cover it up even though none of them did it. Plot hole city! What do you do when a show is flailing? Bring in the hunks. Enter the Scottish rogue who turned down Vanessa Williams. Throughout the whole episode, Dish kept thinking: this show needs Susan Lucci STAT! She better come quick because I don't know if I can stand any more. Saw first few minutes of Pan Am--great costumes, just okay.

Bullying: It's all over the news these days. Where was this furor when I was a kid? I wasn't gay, unathletic, too studious or even odd. I was a redhead! Dish got bullied all the time in middle school. Even today, I deal with adult bullies at least every other day and just swallow my rage. I'm glad that bullies will be ostracized, they're awful but...why all the coddling now when bullies are EVERYWHERE and always have been? Please don't send me hate mail. I am heartbroken that kids are committing suicide over bullies. I'm just bitter because fat little J_____ didn't get thrown in jail for making my life miserable. Though I did kick his voluminous butt one day when I'd reached my limit, even though he outweighed me by 100 pounds and had slower reflexes. Maybe there does need to be more policing since kids have more lethal weapons today...and they use them. With Lady GaGa involved, something might get done.

Dish is seeing Moneyball at the Director's Guild tonight. Excited! Love movies involving sports.

Star Sighting--Joan from Say Yes to the Dress!!!

At around 9am at my deli, I kept a reasonable distance while listening to every word, "An egg on 7 grain toast..." is what Joan ordered. Gotta get that combo of protein and carbs and fiber--good for her! She looked slick in a black pantsuit and pressed hair.

Biggest shocking news: that Kat Von D and Jesse James have split again--even before they had a chance to take Dish's elocution lessons (derrr, like, whoa, derr). My main rules are: 1. Never go back to an ex. 2. Never date/marry an athlete. With so many fabulous decades ahead of her, Kat Von D already has impressive skills and business savvy. I wish her the best in life, love and moisturizing lipsticks. My feeling is that she dodged a bullet.

Tonight: Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (hard to accept Christina Ricci on TV but she's so coquette). Will Pan Am make me feel better about flying, enough so that I could go to Paris next year? I have True Grit from Netflix, which TG had wanted to see. Will wait a week and if he doesn't ask to watch, I'll send it back. It looks like True Sh*t. The Secret Circle has disappointed me with its slowness and teen guy-liner. Gale needs to get off the teen shows and plunge into a sexy drama. Queer As Folk: The Movie!

22 days until Duran Duran in DC. TG is plotzing.

Officially Obsessed with The Good Wife

I will summon the cool of Julianna Margulies* in all harrowing situations. There have been many of late. More cool but in the fashion world, I'm following the buzz of Daphne Guinness who was written up The New Yorker. I'm fascinated by the effort she must take to get dressed. Is it comfortable? One must applaud living works of art. Ix Nay on the anorexia, though.

Today's news: Justin and Jennifer bought some art for Haiti. Taylor Lautner and his gf broke up. As Rumi says, "20 more will come...". Wanda Sykes got a double mastectomy after diagnosed with breast cancer. Hurray for her complete recovery ASAP.

Dish is going to Rachel Astarte Piccione's signing for The Bride of Manhattan in Nyack, home of Rosie O'Donnell. Will nosh and get fabulous autographed reading material.

Wishing for Julie Bowen's Metabolism....

...but Dish is a little too chill to be a stick-figure. TG and I are catching up television, realizing that Modern Family does have the best writing. It's hard to make TG laugh out loud and this show does it.

James Spader on The Office, very clever overall and given the talented writers and cast, it could pull through without Steve Carrell, just not for more than a couple years.

While I'm a huge Simon Cowell fan, especially since he doesn't subscribe to American attitude of lifting up the talentless, The X Factor hasn't been doing well in the ratings. Could audiences be tired of talent competitions and Glee type shows?

Goldie Hawn's ex-husband Bill Hudson has a new tell-all. Goldie allegedly wanted an open marriage. Color me shocked! The 70s, Warren Beatty, oh God, I don't believe it. I wonder why these cast-aside mates want to write tell-alls? It makes them look bitter and without a hobby. Maybe the money is gone.

Here's another juicy tidbit, Courtney Stodden claims to have been aroused for 24 hours straight on her wedding night and wants to go to the "University of Doug." This really does remind me of high school. The difference in Dishworld was...no wedding night at 16, didn't know any Doug, and I only found arousal in Duran Duran and translating Catullus.

More vile than choice reality stars is the GOP in the most recent debate. Stephen Hill, a gay soldier, was booed for asking about DADT and none of the candidates came to his aid. A very sick party is the Grand OLD Party.

Today was the last day of All My Children. I have it in my queue though will need a lot of Kleenex. Greg and Jenny forever!!! And now Kim Delaney is getting yanked off stage for wobbling and slurring her words. The world has changed.

We Are All Troy Davis

How sick I am already of this quote, but will confess to much agitation last night as Troy Davis's execution delay gave me hope--regardless of whether or not he did it. I don't know if he did it. Who really knows the truth for sure? Good that people protested. Very sad that the MacPhail family has had to endure this torment over and over. I still don't believe in the death penalty. Every time I read about someone on their way to the chamber, I feel ill. Even Timothy McVeigh's death disturbed me. Last night, I thought about Troy Davis dealing with those last minutes, the last meal if there was one (how can you EAT?), the last face he/she sees. Bin Laden's execution didn't fill me with relief either. Little murders and big murders breed more murder and anguish. If Troy Davis is a martyr and truly innocent, Dish is cynical enough to know the effect won't last long given our appetite for fresh blood. I hope this execution brings about discussion. I fear it won't. Gosh, my soap box makes me seem taller, don't it? I'm only 5'5.

Better than death talk, the balm of tonight's premiere of The Office. James Spader will rock harder than Kathy Bates since he was born to be an ineffective, punishing office worker (see Wall Street, Secretary). He and Rainn Wilson are so good together, it's almost porn.

Emily Deschanel aka Bones popped out a son. Mazel! Must catch up on Modern Family. Last night's Criminal Minds did damage to my psyche. How I love those behavioral specialists.

Countdown and relaxing meditation starts now for when Dish is reunited with her beloved Duran Duran in DC (TG is threatening to throw his panties on stage) and NYC: 26 days!

The End of the World

Not because R.E.M. has broken up but because fame-whores Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison have signed on to do a reality show. We all knew this would happen! What's even worse, Dish is curious to watch. 35-year age difference + religious fervor + underage marriage + questionable musical talent = delicious trainwreck potential. Who needs the public executions of ages past? We have reality. Oh, and R.E.M. broke up. They never did anything for me but a week ago I watched "Losing My Religion" and thought, I get it now. Best of luck to the group in their future projects.

What's real/rumor? Saw non-baby bump pic of Jen, though could be early stages. Brad said bad things about being married to Jen. Now lots of apologies. Jen happy with Justin. Could Brad be jealous? Is Jolie too skinny? Must all be hooey but hard to interpret as benign Pitt's words about his marriage. Also believe Jen's romance is selling more papers than the Pitt/Jolie old news. Yes, I'm on Team Aniston but when it comes to movies, Team Everyone. Moneyball out soon!

Hershey Kiss reports Darren Criss killed on Glee and that anything Darren related is not to be missed. I tend to agree and will catch up anon.

Dish is trying to do Atkins after major meringue creme anglaise dessert last night with TG-Daddy, who is a divine creature and gave me a pen with his name on it.

Naked Ashton, Dancing Chaz

What did you think of Ashton Kutcher on Two and a Half Men? He killed in the ratings. The walking around naked thing might get old, but I enjoyed the funeral scene and how easily the writers could turn a tragic event into comedy. My favorite part of the show: seeing our beloved Dharma & Greg. It wasn't the funniest show I've ever seen, but it's better than most shows on the air.

Sadness: Mary Ann Mobley and Gary Collins have separated after 43 years. Such a strong marriage from Dish's childhood. I vaguely remember her talking about a colonoscopy or something intimately butt-related on Entertainment Tonight and thinking, wow, how romantic. Or maybe they had joint-colonics? If Gary and Mary Ann can't make it work, who can? Save a Prayer for Ms. Mobley as she endures treatment for Stage 3 breast cancer.

Chaz Bono, David Arquette were spectacular on DWTS. Also spectacular: Gays can now serve in the military. Openly, I mean.

Ps. It's true...

I cannot predict any awards to save my life! About 95% wrongo!

Deep Thoughts on the Emmys

Why are award shows so lame? The writers just aren't funny, the stars are acting same-old and the speeches are repetitive. How many times can you hear, "I didn't prepare anything to say. I didn't think I would win." Dish likes scandal and crazy at her awards-- like Meryl Streep saying she needs to do yoga or Jack Nicholson's talking through his butt or, yes, Ricky Gervais who makes the stars/audience tense. I love Jane Lynch. I thought she did a good job as hostess--especially the "why I'm a lesbian" and introducing the cast of Entourage, but the show dragged. Cut Emmytones, SNL dance/song number--make it a 2-hour show.

Highlights: Charlie Sheen was gracious indeed. Some lovely dresses, though Christina Hendricks's boobies are two giant air bags squashed into a dress. I couldn't look at anything else. Rainn Wilson tweeted his rage that Steve Carrell didn't get an Emmy and I'm right with him there. Kathy Griffin--looking great in red--kissed Ryan Seacrest, an abomination.

Dish was on vacation today and, aside from speculating about Jennifer Aniston being preggo or not (wearing big coat does NOT help!), watched Limitless. I still believe--for no reason--that Bradley Cooper tortures small animals (his French is better than mine so must hate him!) but keep giving him a chance. He is competent in this sh*t-fest that is an obvious reference to our current drug culture. It might have been more interesting if Billy Crudup had been cast. Robert De Niro does his usual mentoring and you have to wonder why he's in so many crappy movies. The biggest philosophical question Dish must raise: If we can take a pill to realize our fullest potential, doesn't that mean no contact with others? When you bring the hell that is other people into the mix, that renders us vulnerable and imperfect. OMG, whole point of movie. Brilliance.

That took so much effort. Time for Dancing with the Stars!!!

Blessings on Dolores Hope who passed away at 102.

All About the Emmys!

So, Alec Baldwin is stirring up more trouble with his creative differences--at the eleventh hour of the Emmys. He will not yield. He was asked not to include a joke in a skit and he wouldn't do it otherwise! As for me, I can't wait for three hours of Jane Lynch. That's my idea of heaven. Here are my win predictions:

Lead Actress in Comedy: Laura Linney (Want Edie Falco)
Lead Actor in Comedy: Steve Carrell
Supporting Actress in Comedy: Sofia Vergara (Jane wasn't in much of Glee)
Supporting Actor in Comedy: Eric Stonestreet (always)
Comedy Series: Modern Family
Lead Actress in Drama Series: Mireille Enos (MUST WIN! Absolutely brilliant)
Lead Actor in Drama Series: Michael C. Hall (but it might go to Buscemi because he's a veteran)
Supporting Actress in Drama Series: Christina Hendricks (why not?)
Supporting Actor in Drama Series: Alan Cumming
Drama Series: The Good Wife (but think Boardwalk Empire might win--blah)
Lead Actress in Miniseries or Movie: It pains me but Kate Winslet
Lead Actor in Miniseries or Movie: Greg Kinnear
Supporting Actor in Miniseries or Movie: Guy Pearce
Supporting Actress in Miniseries or Movie: Evan Rachel Wood
Movie or Miniseries: Mildred Pierce
Variety, Music or Comedy Series: The Colbert Report
Reality Competition: Dancing with the Stars (though for Hershey's sake, I hope it's the Amazing Race)
Host for Reality Competition: Jeff Probst b/c he has the cojones to go to these remote areas with these a-holes.

Political Passings

Two daughters of political figures died within twenty-four hours of each other and at 51: Kara Kennedy, eldest daughter of Ted and Joan Kennedy, and Eleanor Mondale Poling, daughter of Walter and Joan Mondale. Very sad. My heart goes out to these families.

Life should be appreciated, right? Sinead O'Connor is to controversy as the Pope is to Being Behind the Times, thus it isn't odd that such a public figure would ask via Twitter for ways to commit suicide. Dish immediately started following her and went on her website: http://www.sineadoconnor.com. The site is quite a rambling-me-fest, which makes me think she'll stay alive. If not on Earth, where would the me-fest go? Her voice is from the gods.

Why reality shows rule: so many baaaadddd scripted shows. Dish watched The Secret Circle last night. Verdict: the teens are a big bore except for the one who thinks she's Angelina Jolie. Gale Harold and Natasha Henstridge are awesome and Dish hopes they have an ecstatic super-witch coupling, skyclad under the stars with moonbeams illuminating their fleshy middle-aged yet lightly muscled pale bodies. I will fast-forward to get to the adult scenes, as with Hellcats. Ringer just sucks. I expected more from SMG but it is mostly slow pacing, bad filming (fake ocean background!) and lame dialogue.

The funniest thing all week: seeing Anderson Cooper get all batsh*t excited to dish with the cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Anderson. Looking forward to the episode with his mother, Gloria the Great.

All About Weiners

As SJP says in First Wives Club, it's class all the way: Tareq Salahi is filing for divorce against his fellow famewhoring spouse and claims that Journey guitarist Neal Schon sent him a pic of his wang to flaunt the affair. In other penis news: the penis on Mila Kunis cell phone, which had been hacked, was NOT that of Justin Timberlake. Then in other shocking reports, Melissa Rivers's BF -- Name? Does it really matter? -- is out of the picture when caught appearing in adult picture.

I will attempt to clean my mind with a belated viewing of The Secret Circle. Review to come.

The Emmy's are on Sunday. My girl Jane Lynch is hosting.

Star Sighting--Daniel Day Lewis!!!

8:25 am, 18th and 7th: Don't try to go all scruffy on me, Daniel Day Lewis. We all know you have those sparkling green eyes and one of the winningest smiles. Alas, hello, good morning, Dish was crawling on the concrete, wishing for an espresso when she passed DDL who...was mumbling to himself. One never knows what's going on in the mind of DDL. All I can say is: I've abandoned my child!!!! I've abandoned my BOY!!!! Stay alive! I will find you!!! I will blow dry my hair!!!

Beautiful people events: January Jones popped out her wee bairn and named him Xander Danes Jones. That name is so cool he will be turning away suitors in droves. Hunkalicious Joe Manganiello broke off his engagement--perfect timing for DishfriendMel, who can have a True Blood sandwich with Skars and Manga, two of her dearest loves.

Watching The Kennedys and Katie Holmes is impossibly beautiful. Still feel she's too immersed in the Cruise filmy glow. Good performances. JJ is right--it picks up after a few episodes.

Alex, Kelly and Jill were fired from Real Housewives of New York City. I'm sure they don't care that much and have better things to do. This season was slow anyway.

Hacking with the Stars

Today in scandal: Poor Scarlett Johansson had nude photos leaked from her cell. I wouldn't wish that feeling of violation on anyone (her butt has never looked better). Dish doesn't understand why in this Big Brother world anyone would take nude photos. It busts a bubble. I love so many celebs but I absolutely don't want to see their fun bags, bait and tackle or garden patches--unless in a movie, and barely even then.

RHoBH: Are we warming up to these wives or do they seem more down to earth and less outrageous/mean than other franchises? They each are likable to me, though Kim does seem to need a mood stabilizer. I dunno. Maybe it's that most of them have been taken down a peg by life: divorce, marital trouble, betrayal in friendship and family bs.

The new talk show to watch Anderson from our darling Anderson Cooper, who has a work ethic that rivals Ryan Seacrest's. What I love about him is that he's so trustworthy and effective as a reporter/journalist/
anchor, but on this talk show he tries to connect with people, which I'm not sure comes naturally to him. I want him to succeed so I will DVR him to infinity. Yesterday, he had Gerard Depardieu explain his peeing incident, which was hilarious. Dish wholeheartedly endorses AC on all fronts. He could have spent his life blowing spit bubbles and spending his family's money but he didn't.

This is the couple that won't disappear. The Obama partycrasher wife, Michaele Salahi, was reported missing by her husband and this turned into alleged kidnapping. TMZ is reporting that she wasn't kidnapped but ran off with the guitarist from Journey, Neil Schon. Bahahahahahahaha!

Now this is funny, trust me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4B3YeZMxrhE. It dawned on me that maybe...maybe...people don't take the Kardashians seriously. I have hope.

Where's My Address? I Mean Mattress?

Seriously, Dish has been making all kinds of fatigue-induced gaffes today, mostly to herself. It was a special day because I got to meet a beloved famous person. Pics were taken and I'll post them when I feel safer and less jinxey. Details to come on how it happened.

Holy hellfire has sprouted a sheet of ice and if you wear your James Cameron 3-D glass, you can see Satan is tap dancing like a happy fool. Dick and Lynn Cheney have come out in favor of gay marriage: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/13/dick-cheney-gay-marriage_n_960874.html. Did I just eat a dream cookie? Talk about yay!

In yuck, former Bosox baseballer Manny Ramirez was arrested for domestic violence, i.e. slugging his wife. Do I have to say it again? Never date/marry an athlete.

Catching my breath with Bachelor Pad (spoiler alert): I spent the two hours mostly starting at Vienna's nose job and extensions. She used to have this marvelous dip to her schnozz and now it's gone. The hair is not really blond and really not real. I don't get what she's doing, though her diva-tude becomes boring without another talent. Jake and Casey, redeemed. Erica has become the Oracle of Delphi. Holly is pure love, which is why she attracts men. I loved Michelle this season, as opposed to her appearance on The Bachelor with Brad's season. Intro of new bachelor who could be one of my former students so I cannot watch. He's like 12. By reading this, you would think that I am a fan of the Bachelor franchise but I've only watched it once. The above show came on by accident during a vulnerable moment and I got sucked in.

And now to rest. Dish might be on television soon. It's been a good day. Now I see why people want to be on TV. We're ready for more offers, but I have to run off this dream cookie. 500 calories.

Say it Ain't So, J Lo!

Do I believe the rumors that J Lo and Bradley Cooper are dating? Not even a little bit. Dish just doesn't see zing. Maybe because I still--irrationally--feel he tortures small animals and lights girls' hair on fire for fun. J Lo needs a man who will spread petals on the floor leading to a romantic master bedroom containing jacuzzi, mirrors on ceiling and a sultry haze which makes everyone look better. Never mind that. J Lo doesn't have time to date right now with American Idol, her resurgence as an A-Lister, and then caring for precious Max and Emme. My wish is that, for once, J Lo date someone as big as she is--both physically and famously.

Tennis anyone? I tend to avoid watching Serena Williams play (love Venus, tho!) given her penchant for mouthing off at umps, especially if she's not playing well. Why can't athletes behave like sportsmen/women? She was fined, according to recent reports. Congratulations to Samantha Stosur!

Prayers to the family of Spartacus actor Andy Whitfield who died too young at 39 after battling non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. So sad. I remember when he left the show and this is terrible news indeed.

How do we tread water in this life? We do it by trying to get on television. I could have big news in a few days. Dish might bask in someone's greatness tomorrow and let us all pray no one faints! No, it ain't Duran Duran, but definitely a hero.

Better Than Pancakes: Star Sighting--Jesse Eisenberg!

2:07, 16th and 8th: Riding through the crosswalk on his bicycle and wearing a dorky red helmet, Jesse Eisenberg was grinning like a fool. Dish stood in the crosswalk, dazed, and forgot about buying that shower curtain. Once the aura of The Social Network star dimmed, I remembered what I needed to do. The question remains: Why was Jesse smiling while riding his bike?

Somber Sunday, Pancakes Anyone?

Yes, it's the anniversary. I remember what I was doing: walking two miles to work, thinking what a beautiful day, maybe I would go back to teaching, was making copies at the copy machine when the receptionist told me what happened. I pulled out a box of Godiva and offered it around the office as we watched TV, then I walked home with a colleague and said, "This is our JFK." Sat home for a week, watching TV and crying a little, grateful to be mourning alone, grateful to have life, health, family. Grateful to talk with Dishmama and Dishbrother, pissed that Dishfather didn't call to see if I was alive, but when we did talk he mentioned it would be less tragic if I had died rather than someone with more at stake, like a child or someone with family--true to some degree but how sh*tty to say to one's child. That day did make some things very clear--Yes, I knew who loved me and who didn't care at all. But most of all, it no longer mattered to me that I wasn't married with children like many of my friends. I had myself and that was all I needed. I didn't lose anyone, I did see the devastation from my office window, and it makes me cry to see TV coverage, but I don't have a big story about what I experienced. Today, I'm staying as quiet as I can, not updating FB with my thoughts and prayers, not watching TV, and not wanting to delve into this except to remember how much I do love myself (it sounds bad, but you know what I mean) and will do all I can to make my life as good as possible. Maybe it's time for a Julia/QAF/Sex and the City marathon.

I've been reading and highly recommend Noelle Hancock's My Year with Eleanor, a memoir about facing fear and the wisdom of Eleanor Roosevelt. Also, The Psychopath Test, by Jon Ronson, which provides info on the obvious topic, along with a checklist and evidence of psychopaths all around us--especially in finance. Now Dish knows for sure she's dodged at least three psychopaths.

A sad loss: Cliff Robertson has passed away at 88. Blessings on his coming and going. And of course, blessings on those souls who left us ten years ago.

Yesterday's Studs Making News

Sugar t*ts Mel Gibson wants to make a movie about Jewish hero Judah ­Maccabee. Dish doesn't worry about his intolerant comments about Jews, gays, women, stem cell research. Dish wants this movie to be made because of how gay it could be. Ever since Braveheart, Mel has been swimming in undulating homoerotic waters, all while making adorable gay slurs. His recent movies contain loinclothes, glistening muscles, torture scenes where men wear these orgasmic expressions, and who could forget when Mel wears hose and waxes himself in What Women Want? At the beginning of Apocalypto, the men discuss eating testicles, maybe because they would rather eat balls than visit the hut where their wives are waiting for baby-making boinkage. I'm sorry, but I can't wait for what Mel does next. His last movie The Beaver, well, hahahaha there, especially given the connection to Jodie Foster, who vehemently supported him during his domestic violence/custody snafus. Mel's splendor has taken quite a dive since Braveheart and I doubt he'll rise again. In the meantime, can't we twisted viewers have a little fun and not take him so seriously? If groups want to express their outrage, fine. The real tragedy in the comedy of Mel is that...he used to be an amazing actor. Now he just seems bananas.

Another amazing actor who's made some great movies and real crap (Anger Management), Jack Nicholson had a house burn up in the Hollywood Hills. I almost burnt tonight's meatloaf, my wandering attention due to the pain of Federer losing. Dish was dreaming of a Federer/Nadal rematch but will settle for Nadal/Djokovic.

Toronto International Film Festival is happening. Angelina wore another black dress. I will catch Moneyball, the first Brad movie I really want to see since...since...Se7en. Who am I kidding? I see all of his movies even though I don't think he's cute at all. It's my job.

Congratulations to Amy Smart and Carter Oosterhouse who got hitched!

Thank Zeus It's the Weekend

Did you watch Obama's jobs speech last night? An ardent believer that Hillary would have been better, I couldn't tear myself away and felt this speech was more powerful than others. Now let's see if anything happens. Dish doesn't get involved in politics.

As you all know, Duran Duran is touring and I'm feeling that pang, like, everyone and their mother has met them, but not Dish. I've had friends play tennis with them, attend weddings with them, work on projects with them, party with them, and John Taylor even knew of my existence for a few minutes in 1986. Despite this, I've always been a day late, maybe for my own good. This angst is fourteen-years-old of me but there you go. I've workshopped it, therapized it, put it in the safe, homey cottage but it's still there, 30 years later. To be honest, my life is complete without fulfillment of this adolescent dream. I am spoiled enough to see them in concert twice next month. Here is Duran Duran accepting their GQ Lifetime Achievement Award: http://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/men-of-the-year/home/winners-2011/video-duran-duran-alex-james-outstanding.

There's another vague terrorist threat for the anniversary of 9/11 and I have to say: HOW CLICHE, terrorists. It seems like a ploy to pit Americans against the Middle East.

Dish is fully jaded upon seeing evidence that Ella from Bachelor Pad, the one who's just scrapin' by and has to win the quarter mill to feed her son y'all, HAS HAD ALL THIS PLASTIC SURGERY. She was a knockout before! I shouldn't be surprised. Then there are skeleton-pics of the new, shrunken Ali Lohan who seems headed on the same path as her sister.

To lift my spirits, I'm going to try to get TG to watch one of my two favorite feel-good movies: The Lives of Others or Ordinary People. I wore him down to watch Notting Hill. I will do it again. Such is the power of Dish.

And God Said, Let There Be Gale and Natasha

As you may know, Gale Harold was my imaginary boyfriend from 2005-2009. We broke up when TG arrived on the scene, which made Gale cry. Now that some time has gone by and we've both healed, I view his work with joy detachment. Gale-aholics, you must already know he stars with goddess Natasha Henstridge in The Secret Circle (9/15) where they both are Hot As Beans, Witch-Style! Their combined gorgeousness might cancel each other out on screen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWK0vfwYhqA. I don't have high hopes for witch shows after my beloved Eastwick got axed, but this one has Gale and where there's Gale, there's a hit show (except for Vanished, Hellcats). Anderson Cooper's Anderson talk show (9/12) also starts, which should be tons of fun. Oooh, and Sarah Michelle Gellar's Ringer. Gotta watch!

Blake and Holly from Bachelor Pad are ENGAGED! I love this pair because they seem equally bubble-headed and nice, plus Michael was being a controlling tool and their relaysh had too much baggage. Dish feels one should never go back to an ex.

Candace Bushnell's novels are Dish's guilty pleasure and now I read that One Fifth Avenue is being made into TV series. It's no Jeffrey Eugenides, but I would never turn down an NYC-based Melrose Place! Hand me a cocktail and a bikini and I'm there. Oh wait, New York City. Hand me an Ambien and a pleather jacket and I'm there!

What's the big deal with SkinnyGirl Margarita pulled from shelves of Whole Foods? TG is crying buckets over this news. Is everything at Whole Foods really ALL natural? I'm not sure I believe this.

FYI--Halloween and Little House on the Prairie do not mix! Avoid at all costs. I don't like to see Half Pint all freaked out over Nells possibly beheading Mrs. Oleson-not even believable. Nells is such a p________.

Star Sighting--Tim Gunn!!!

11:20 AM: Dishbrotherhusband writes, "I just saw Tim Gunn walking on 90th street off Broadway ... He looked just like he does on TV, very stylish very composed, walking very straight and carrying a few bags. He stopped to say something to the doorman and other two gents in the building ... and then kept walking. Looked like he was saying hi to them." Dish thinks he was saying something more like, "Thank you for being your excellent selves, people."

Aside from the joyful and magical hairstylings of J.J., Dish has had a trying day and has learned once again that mean people suck--and probably lead very sad lives. To fortify myself, I will follow the advice of JJ and not continue with Biutiful because Javier is too sweaty in the role. Who wants to see him pissing blood? In addition, I'll forego Most Elligible Dallas as it depresses me. I see young people sounding as if they never read a book and I wonder what the future holds for the U.S. It is packed with idiots. Please let the brainiacs take over.

Frozen Faces and Real Grief on RHoBH

I expected far worse on last night's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, like really in-your-face moments parading Russell Armstrong in front of the cameras. Critics wanted the network to pull the show, but who are we kidding? Lose money when the ratings could be huge? The wives address the suicide at the beginning in a short get-together. The grief seemed genuine, though Dish giggled over the inability to express emotion due to buckets of Botox. You could see the wives tried hard and the sadness was conveyed through the eyes and the odd grimace. Gotta love these wives. I find them the most likable of all the wives as a group, though they've FOR SURE had the most face work (and wear expensive clothes that look very cheap). Loved the bickering at the dinner table. I can relate!!!

Two great items: Eddie Murphy will be hosting the Oscars! He has made some loathsome movies but he is FUNNY. Donkey is a genius character and I am rooting for him to bring joy back to the deadly dull Oscars. Also, this just in: Duran Duran was named GQ's Lifetime Men of the Year. Could life get any better?

Yes, it can. Here is Donald Sutherland talking about farting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zOprG-K48I.

Happy Labor Day!

Lauren Bush married David Lauren, so now she can be Lauren Lauren. If I changed my first name to Duran and TG his last name to Duran, I could officially be Duran Duran. Let's make it happen!

I was starting to get the shakes over the lack of reports on whom Gerard Butler might be nailing. Hardly a day goes by when his beer-sweat washes up on female shores. But thank goodness, he might be banging 300-style canoodling with Eddie Cybrian-ex Brandi Glanville. Good for her! Gerard is always there to pick up the pieces of broken hearts everywhere.

Adele admits to puking a lot before a performance. Dish is waiting for a performer to admit to having it come out the other end. The closest was Sean Hayes saying that he had to poop before shooting episodes of Will & Grace. I guess nervous diarrhea is not as sexy/romantic/dramatic/Jersey Shore-kewl as nervous vomiting.

This might arouse TG's paternal ire but Snooki is hinting at getting married.

The City Is Empty

Except for the US Open. Dish caught a bit of the Nadal match today but interest in tennis has waned after 4 years of being obsessed. TG has diagnosed me with Aspergers and my in-laws have diagnosed me with agoraphobia (this is sort of correct). Any other diagnoses? TG is now backpedaling on this diagnosis but it's more because I'm not really talking to him. I do have Aspergers, after all, therefore can't focus on him at all. He's a little scared when I go quiet.

So, Michele Bachmann was on the CBS news with old guy this morning. She's much smarter than Palin but exudes a lotta crazy. I'm not sure what's going to happen with this election. It might be another vote for the lesser of two evils.

In gossip: Laurel Holloman who played Tina Kennard on The L Word has filed for divorce from her husband. The usual: Irresistible Differences (doesn't that sound better?). Madonna's W.E. got bad reviews at Venice Film festival. I can't wait to see it! Must rent The Next Best Thing to prepare! Rumor of Eddie Murphy hosting the Oscars. Bring it on! We want Pluto Nash to host! At least he might be FUNNY. They need to have actual comedians do it because the actors are not cutting it.

Chelsea is crying. Cheyenne Jackson has married his long-time partner Monte Lapka in New York. Congratulations, you guys!

And now back to Biutiful, which is very sweaty so far.

Almost Forgot to Post!

Because nothing is happening. For real! Well, except Susan Lucci is speaking out against her ABC boss who effed up All My Children and made everyone lose their jobs. Though weren't soaps on the way out? AMC may be gone, but Erica Kane is forever.

Watched Natalie Portman in The Other Woman. It's not an easy movie to watch, though worth it for one crucial scene between Natalie and Lisa Kudrow. Dish has no experience with such drama but cried like a baby at these two fine actresses' performances.

And that is it. Dish almost met a star this weekend but plans fell through. No big whoop. I keep my eyes and ears open on the street.

TGI-Getting Crap Scared Out of Me Via A Haunting

Do not get addicted to this show. Real ghost stories told in dramatic fashion. TG and I are hooked, though he just revealed he doesn't believe in ghosts. This after we both download Ghosttracker on our iPads and communicate regularly with spirits (okay, maybe that's margarita and scotch). But tonight I learned how dangerous Ouija boards are and I have one unwrapped. I'm too afraid to open the gateway.

Can you believe this is more exciting than anything else in the tabloids? Well, some sad news--that HawthoRNe got canceled which means Jada and Marc Anthony are unemployed. Lindsay Lohan parked in front of a hydrant because she can't help getting into trouble. Then, remember that icky story of a billionaire's son who died, then his girlfriend was found hanging a week later? Well, the girlfriend's death was ruled a suicide and her family is pissed. Sounds suspicious to Dish, too, very Dateline.

Thanks to a comment, it hits home that all tabloid news goes to promote a show/movie or to keep a fading star current. Modern oracle of Delphi Tom Cruise was right--that it's all lies. Julia's alleged over-vodka-drinking--Eat Pray Love; Brad's wandering eye? Moneyball. Madonna's boy toy pics? W.E. And it goes on and on and on. Mel Gibson's arrests and alleged domestic abuse? Okay, maybe he is crazy. Can you tell Dish is jaded?

Why the Seagal Torment?

Painful issue to bring up. I've known about this for a few days but now it seems the story won't go away. To preface, I swallowed my dismay at the notion that Steven Seagal could bully female assistants into becoming his sex slaves. But now, it seems he might have killed a puppy--or one might have been killed on his set. Why must he be persecuted? Just because he had the audacity to wear a ponytail beyond 1995 and tries to be an action hero when he, like Alec Baldwin, has swallowed the mighty water buffalo. I'll fess up--here's the sad report: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/31/steven-seagal-sued-for-ki_n_943952.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009. Sure, Steven made me wait three hours and pay 30$ for an autograph he never bothered to show up for. His music CD was refundable at least and my Nick Toscani action doll has been an excellent talisman on flights. I have to say my goodbyes and remember fondly how good his movies were. And by good, I mean terrible. And by terrible, I mean I have several of them on my shelf.

Update: Never mind about Seagal! He says he didn't do it. Yay!

Most importantly today, Cher took to Twitter to verbally banish bigots and support her son Chaz; she invited everyone to show Chaz the love on Dancing With the Stars. Wow. Maybe I will watch this season and even vote. If Cher is involved, so must we all be....