Dish Upon a Star

I Rode the Elevator with Peter Riegert!

2012-01-31T16:43:00.001-08:00

5:27 pm, somewhere in Manhattan. I saw the opportunity and I took it. I flew into the elevator containing only one other passenger. Of course, I averted my gaze because I couldn't look at The Sun aka Peter Riegert.It took all my strength not to ask, "Are you The Pickle Man?" If you're a girl, this reference is obvious (Crossing Delancey). Instead I said, "Good night~~, you awesome venerable judge and lawyer on crime dramas~~." My knees are still weak.

On to news and updates:

So many X Factor judges gone! Dish never watched but is this to drum up new excitement? Can it compete with The Voice and AI?

The Bachelor: I fantasize that one of the girls will get the stomach flu and give it all around--two hours of vileness coming out of both ends. It really is a petri dish for germs. But true love is being sick with your love.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: I'm not sure if it was the lighting, but the gals looked like dog-sh*t last night. Maloof resembles her own Muppet and I wanted to say, enough procedures. They are all attractive as is. To me, Camille and Kyle looked the least plastic. They bickered about a whole lotta nothing.

Kourtney and Kim Take New York: Kim's distancing from her new husband Kris and how the relationship kept filling her with anxiety and panic--I understand! Twice, I made a commitment (not engagement) to the wrong man and felt life spiraling out of control. I didn't want to hurt a good person and I had to. So, you see, Kim Kardashian and I are so similar. Kim, I did get ~~a furry tail~~my fairy tale in my the end. TG is my Prince Charming each and every day--worth the wait.

Chord Overstreet and Emma Roberts are no more. I feel sad for Chord since this means a distancing from The Julia.

Step Back, Maggie. Shirl Is Comin' to Downton!

2012-01-30T17:01:00.000-08:00

Did you hear the shriek of ecstasy in Manhattan's financial district? That was Dish reading that Shirley MacLaine is joining the cast of Downton Abbey, the sensation that's sweeping this anglophile nation. She and Maggie and Elizabeth--there are no words. I'm verklempt!

Re SAGs: Well, my picks were wrong, mostly because I forgot that the stars are all about: Craft and Political Correctness. Do not reward projects about or containing: drugs, bad people, actresses with huge boobs, frivolity, serial killing (unless actor is enduring strife in real life). And always give the award to Betty White. I saw 95% of the movies/TV, am obsessed with all the nominees. I just didn't agree. But then, awards are just gravy to excellent work.

SAG observations:

Who looked really pissed to be there: Angelina Jolie, Armie Hammer
Gorgeous: Viola Davis (I cried when she won, even though I thought Michelle or Meryl would--Viola is a goddess), Glenn Close, Michelle Williams and Sofia Vergara (the new Susan Lucci of award shows), Jane Lynch!
Angelina talking to Tilda Swinton at the end--what was that about?

The latest:

Mary Hamer "resigns" from the Joran van der Sloot case. Anderson crying over potential loss of ratings.

Elton John is my hero! I love his bitchiness. He says he hopes Madonna lip syncs "good" at the Superbowl halftime show.

Biggest news: Get your DVRs ready. Dish and TG will be on TV, on Valentine's Day! More details next week!

Dish's SAG Predictions!

2012-01-29T16:04:00.000-08:00

Let's see if I get any of these right! Putting myself in a Zen place, i.e. the celebrity brain:

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a leading role:
JEAN DUJARDIN as George - "The Artist"

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a leading role:
MICHELLE WILLIAMS as Marilyn Monroe - "My Week With Marilyn"

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a supporting role:
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER as Hal - "Beginners"

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a supporting role:
BÉRÉNICE BEJO as Peppy - "The Artist"

Outstanding performance by a cast in a motion picture:
"The Artist"

TELEVISION

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a drama series
BRYAN CRANSTON as Walter White - "Breaking Bad"

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a drama series:
JESSICA LANGE as Constance - "American Horror Story"

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a comedy series:
STEVE CARELL as Michael Scott - "The Office"

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a comedy series:
SOFIA VERGARA as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett - "Modern Family"

Outstanding performance by an ensemble in a drama series:
"Breaking Bad" (I'm not sure it will win, but it SHOULD win since I watched the others)

Outstanding performance by an ensemble in a comedy series:
"Modern Family"

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a television movie or miniseries:
GUY PEARCE as Monty Beragon - "Mildred Pierce" (or it could go to Thurgood)

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a television movie or Miniseries:
MAGGIE SMITH as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham - "Downton Abbey" (Oh god, but will probably go to Kate!)

Donkey Sperm--Take Two

2012-01-28T07:11:00.001-08:00

There's a chance that Fear Factor episode may be pulled due to outrage for donkeys. So many questions here. Why not use human sperm? In large quantities, this could be deemed highly disgusting especially if mixed with urine. Why not just eat sh*t? Please, Fear Factor. Sh*t hurts no one the way donkey sperm does. I still want to know how they got the donkeys to ejaculate. It was Lindsay's Playboy spread, wasn't it?

I'm digging here. All I can find for news--aside from anchorman Greg Kelly being accused of rape which I'm avoiding--is that Demi Moore might have a Red Bull addiction. Like Red Bull instead of food, which is a little like the Dish diet of Diet Coke in large quantities and nothing else. The problem is that I can't stick to my diet the way Demi can, which is why I'm not a star. Yet. I might have to go on this diet next week. Stay tuned for details.

Oh wait, there is Mary Hamer, guardian angel to convicted murderer Joran van der Sloot. She made her second appearance on Anderson this week and seemed just as insane (but fabulous television). Her reasoning for taking on this cause makes no sense aside from Desperate Woman Syndrome (I hate that I wrote that but it's written all over her face). And while she preaches peace and rehabilitation of a murderer, her facial expression conveys something positively demonic and rage-filled. Somehow, I'm sure, this all relates to donkey sperm.

Insomnia struck again and I made the colossal mistake of watching the pilot for Prison Break. Now I'm hooked. We know why. Because it's a little gay--as gay as Fox will allow--and I'm still mourning the end of Queer As Folk (7 years now). The acting/writing is not mind-blowing but I. Don't. Care.

Today's Biggest Story Has to Do with...

2012-01-27T07:28:00.001-08:00

Donkey jizz. On Fear Factor, they are making contestants drink donkey semen to get to the next round. I'd like to know how they get that donkey juice. FF Perverts! This show is right up TG's alley. In fact, he should be a contestant. I'm not implying anything about his experience with donkeys--just that he is fearless. I never liked the show because vomiting and putting a hand in a tank full of slugs holds no appeal.

There was a Cher death hoax today and Thank Cher, it's not true.

Juan Epstein, You Left a Mark on This Girl!

2012-01-26T12:25:00.000-08:00

I mean that in the saddest way for the hilarious Robert Hegyes aka "Juan Epstein" of Welcome Back, Kotter has passed away. Dish spent hours and hours watching the show, drooling over John Travolta and fantasizing that Marcia Strassman wanted to get in his pants even though married to Gabe Kaplan. But really, this show had an ensemble cast and RH rocked! Blessings on his coming and going.

Such turbulence today. Pat Sajak admits to drunkenness while hosting Wheel of Fortune. I don't blame him one bit and I applaud him for keeping his sh*t together. It must be freaking boring to keep spinning the wheel for thirty years. Bottoms up! Another game show host, Drew Carey ended his five-year (red flag) engagement. Hmmmm. I won't make any guesses as to what happened to that relationship. Okay, I will! She couldn't deal with having to go to Cleveland. That would be a deal-breaker for Dish.

On the lighter side: Armie Hammer arrested for maryjane. How cute!!!

Demi to Get Her Groove Back

2012-01-25T07:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion" and other medical issues. I'm tired too! The gossips are fueling the fire with reports of anorexia (um, duh--but could be situational), an epileptic seizure (didn't know that), does she miss being married to David Arquette, and was substance abuse involved, specifically whip-its? The real problem is that Dish isn't there to scoop up these over-40 female celebs and plop them into my new school:

The Academy for Female Celebs Who Can't Cope with Being Over the Hill in Hollywood AFCWCCBOTHH.

My first pupils would be Heather Locklear, Courtney Love (though she's needed this since her 20s), and Demi Moore. Here are some courses:

Reinvention 101: Do as Madonna does just with a little more substance and without the ropey arms.
Substance Use in Moderation: Sometimes you might need a glass of Pinot or a Xanax, just don't take 5.
Too Much Botox Means No Oscar: But fab for reality show? What will make you famouser? Discuss.
Sexy at Any Age: Guest lectures by Jacqueline Bissett and Helen Mirren.

Dish watched The Ides of March. It's pretty good, compact, delivers a not-so-subtle message against repubs and dems, George Clooney is charming, Evan Rachel Wood and Ryan Gosling are brilliant. Hopeful politico becomes jaded and finds a way to use the system, hence why Washington is broken. Not so Oscar-ish.

And the Nominees Are...

2012-01-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

...not surprising, especially that Leonardo DiCaprio was shut out yet again! Why oh why, though, are there so many Best Picture nominees? Is it to please the whole child? Is this the new No Film Left Behind program? BARF!

Speaking of which...we're feeling better. Fever gone down but for a good day I was like Kate Winslet in Sense and Sensibility--sweating and pale after Willoughby spurns her advances.

As I convalesced, I watched the following:

Untouchable: The Drew Peterson Story--Worst thing Rob Lowe has ever done. He should never have quit The West Wing.

Sexting in Suburbia--Teen girl texts her naked self to ahole BF and it spreads. Bullying ensues, she hangs herself, Mom is pissed. Unwatchable!

I Don't Know How She Does It: SJP is a delight and lights up a screen. The message, however, is that stay-at-home moms suck and worker-moms are the real heroes of parenting. I was pissed and I don't have kids. Great minor roles played by Olivia Munn, Pierce Brosnan and Christina Hendricks.

Anderson: Anderson Cooper's talk show on "Purity balls". Worth it just to hear him keep saying "Purity balls" and "balls."

Learned also that Tim Gunn has been celibate for 29 years. No wonder he gets so much done!!!

Last bit from the Perez Hilton. Dish is also on Team Joan, forever:

Flattened Dish

2012-01-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

Food poisoning. Will never eat again. Only good part,weight loss. In the meantime, feel like death, don't care about stars.

I'm Taller Than Glenn Close!

2012-01-22T12:36:00.000-08:00

How awesome is that? Here I was thinking she was at least Uma-sized. How twisted that I would research her height, personal details for my own satisfaction. Today I pondered how Glenn must feel to be in Meryl's shadow all the time or maybe I imagine this. I love them both and feel they serve distinct purposes. Glenn chews scenery so deliciously. Meryl gets a moving truck and inhabits a scene. I sort of would like to see them in a flick together. Maybe as bakery owners who fall for the same man. They wind up throwing yeast at each other and cackle like witches.

Today's news: Bryce Dallas Howard birthed a wee bairn, female. Penn coach Joe Paterno died, kinda Greek tragique. Dish is caught up on Downton Abbey (Bates + Anna 4evs!). So much football today all of which I missed. Some tabloids are reporting that Heidi and Seal are not splitting up but the marriage is rocky. Could it be to get more publicity? I wouldn't put it past Ms. Stepford-eyed fraulein!

And now, I must to bed.

I Will Never Doubt Meryl Streep Again...

2012-01-21T06:58:00.000-08:00

She was so good in The Iron Lady I could barely breathe. I tried to picture myself doing what she does. I couldn't. She created so many layers to Margaret Thatcher, both Dishmama and I thought we were watching Thatcher herself. She is that good. If she doesn't win the Oscar, they are just wrong. While I wouldn't say The Iron Lady is Best Picture or that the humanizing of Thatcher contained subtlety, Streep is magnificent and I remembered so much of the history in the movie. Though no Duran Duran references, which vexed me greatly. Whoever did the costumes should also win an Oscar.

The big news this weekend and another sign of the apocalypse: The one woman that frightens Dish more than real animals digitized to talk: Heidi Klum is set to file for divorce from Seal. What went wrong? I don't understand. I thought they made beautiful music together.

Latest obsession: Downton Abbey, which revives old girl crush on Elizabeth McGovern and ignites a new deep love for the honorable Bates. No need for TG to be jealous as Bates could be my uncle.

Rest in Peace, Etta James

2012-01-20T09:53:00.000-08:00

This legendary diva gave us one of Dish's favorite yet overplayed songs ever. We thank her for the gift of her songs!

More bad news: Kenny G and his wife split, though this could be good news for some lucky perm-loving lady. Speaking of funky hair, Katy Perry unfollowed Russell Brand on Twitter. OMG!!!! Meltdown!!!

Today's rumor: Both Aniston and Jolie are pregnant! I saw an incriminating photo where Jen does indeed seem to be about 6 months along. Or it could be a huge pillow. I did that to avoid being hassled on the metro in Paris (I am *that* beautiful) and wanted a seat. Newsflash: Parisians are more apt to give up their seats for the old and pregnant than seat-hog New Yorkers (and by this, I mean men). As for Angelina, anything's possible. The poor dear does need to put on a few pounds and in our fantasies, she and Brad can never stop copulating because they are gorgeous A-lister stars.

Last night's Republican debate in SC: All the candidates except for Ron Paul spoke of Obama in such vile terms, all but saying he was an uppity you-know-what. It's very sad to see how racism lives on. Good thing Obama could out-debate any of them, though Ron Paul is fun to watch. Love that John King had the cojones to ask Newt about his skanky ways. Hillary forever!

Happy Birthday, Dolly Parton!

2012-01-19T07:20:00.000-08:00

Words to live by from Mistress Dolly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKeulwZ3sGE. This song got me through a very bumpy plane ride to Canada. She was adorable on the talk show by He Who Is No Longer Mentioned.

Politics are the new soap opera: Rick Perry has dropped out, Newt Gingrich's wife spilled about his wanting a open marriage and being an overall dick, Santorum actually won Iowa, and there's a debate tonight. It's epic WTF time in the Grand OLD Party!

During lunch trolling, I saw a pic of Snooki without makeup. Being a catty female, I never say this, but she's BEAUTIFUL without makeup. I was transfixed.

Today's rumor--that Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter back together and were caught canoodling. This would make me so happy. This past season of Dexter, you could see the strain. She seemed way too thin and he wasn't as dynamic (or maybe I'm adapting observation to fit this rumor). Please let them be back together! Let's double the incest vibe already on the show.

I just fainted: Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell as Rachel Berry's gay dads on Glee. Ryan Murphy should get a medal for bringing together two tall drinks of water who are perversely attractive to me: Jane Lynch and Jeff Goldblum. Please put them in bed together for a drunken The Next Best Thing twist.

Dish and TG Might Get a Second Life!

2012-01-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

I saw very few "blackouts" on the web and I'm not sure this strike is happening. So I'll blog today and I won't bury the lead: We might be on TV very soon. And meet someone on a par with Anderson! Dish is already hyperventilating and counting chickens. TG asked me if it would be on a major network and if he could have blue M&Ms in his private dressing room.

Not so exciting, but juicy: Tabloids allege that Vanessa and Johnny have split. This will make many of my friends happy but for Dish, it hits right in the sternum. Watch Vanessa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJrHSfDSm34. I dare you not to fall into a trance--if only to validate the sexiness of baggy sweatshirts. Ah, jailbait.

Brad's ex Emily Maynard is the next Bachelorette. OMG but not surprised. Dish will get lulled into a false sense of southern hospitality though her teeth scare me a little.

John Taylor is having Tweet diarrhea. Mistake to follow him? Though after 29 years of love, Dish can't quit her boys!

Mark Wahlberg pissed off anyone affected by 9/11 by inferring he could have saved the plane--or something. Napoleons always say that. At least he apologized and now he can go back to making his violent feel-good movies. Mostly, I think he's awesome and this comment showed his frustration/rage over almost having been on that plane.

It's so hard to be famous when everything you say is scrutinized and mostly misunderstood!

Strike Tomorrow

2012-01-17T19:25:00.001-08:00

I just caught a headline about some internet strike--Sopapilla or something--about censorship and I'm all for it, I mean against it. Dish is down tomorrow.

:)

Dish Served Cold Right Here!!!

2012-01-17T14:24:00.000-08:00

Today a woman ran away from me, ostensibly to get to her destination faster but I know she didn't want to endure the drudgery of small talk with Dish. My first thought was, "I'll show you." If I were on Housewives, I'd call her and make a lunch date, then throw a big public hissy. Then I realized, I'm 43. Aren't I above these bitchy revenge schemes?

Think again!

I could see Dishshrink's brow furrowing when I told her revenge made me stronger, not weaker. It motivated me to break boards with my hands, eat a whole tin of Altoids and do jumping jacks in my office. I looked off to the side as memories of persecution and retribution filled my soul. The person who said, "The best revenge is living well" needs to cuddle his stuffed ducky!

My enemy list is rife with jackasses on whom I wish a thousand ills. But I would never act on my malice because my pathetic rivals tend to hurt themselves. The key to revenge is patience and Dish has this in abundance.

Yes, I watched 10 episodes of ABC's Revenge starring Pointy-Nosed Actress all in one weekend. After learning that MLK plagiarized his dissertation, I had to take a hiatus from peace, love, and understanding. Revenge inspired me to be cold, calculating and smarter than everyone. Like PNA, I'll go to Japan where I'll receive my special Karate Kid training.

In addition, all you Dish subjects, I shall perfect a monotone, like PNA, as I wreak havoc on my foes. Right now, I sound like Selma from The Simpsons thanks to twenty years of puffing Parliaments/Merits/Marlboros/Gaulois/Cafe Creme/Vagina Slimes/Anything that smokes. All that will change.

I will be bland. I will be blonde. I will get my revenge!

The Geezers Are Having a Hard Time!

2012-01-17T13:47:00.001-08:00

Poor Paula Deen. Poor Bruce Jenner. Someone has to preach the deliciousness of fatty food. So why is Anthony Bourdain condemning her? Maybe he's in love with her. Even though she gave herself Diabetes, she is adorable and America loves her. Are we all supposed to eat steamed vegetables and fish seared in water? I may be pre-Diabetic myself but I'd like the occasional opportunity to fry my food in butter then throw it in a vat of sugar then powder it with some spiced melatonin, while listening to Duran Duran. We might as well burn all of Julia Child's books, too. As for Bruce Jenner having a touch of skin cancer, I wish the poor guy luck. He has enough on his plate of smoked salmon and celery stalks with nothing on them.

The Bachelor--Blow by Precious Blow. Dish was on Team Kacie B--who looked the best in a bikini--but given Ben's nerdlike ways (the Keanu makeover does NOT cover up this Pointdexter) I'd choose the Ph.D scientist who went up the bridge and conquered her fear of heights. Their phobia-facing kiss warmed my cockles as true fake TV love blossomed in the highest! How sad that one girl felt so conflicted about herself that she left, but in true Bachelor fashion, you have to sweep off the crazies, the tormented and the uggos who didn't belong in the first place. I felt terrible for the swooning girl--that would have been Dish from lack of sleep, nourishment, proximity to future reality celebrities--but no guy likes such antics. Pointdexter didn't seem to react either, which means he won't be visiting you in the hospital unless you're almost totally recovered. So glad he kicked off Morticia, though her storming in was incredibly contrived and the girls did a poor job of acting outraged. Double-lame. Yes, I'll watch next week.

I Saw Jodie's "Beaver"

2012-01-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

And it was terrible, though Dish enjoys Jodie to the hilt. Now we get to enjoy the behind-the-scenes dirt!

As reported, Kayte Walsh is carrying Grammer seeds. She had the audacity to go red, no doubt taking a page from Dish. She seems highly perky and delightful in pictures and I hope she is happy in this marriage and that it lasts for a long time. One must enter the Hollywood marriage machine with eyes wide open. I am on Team Camille and Team Kayte--just not Team Kelsey anymore. An elephant never forgets.

Elton's hubby David Furnish went off on Madonna for winning best song. I love a good fight between icons! Granted, I give major props to any diva directing and writing a big-ass movie, especially a period piece where you have to read a history book. But I love Elton's bitter cranky grudges!

Kate Major was arrested again for smacking a cop. Did I already report that? I just did it again. Bachelor Pad's Kasey Kahl arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRRcL0vkPsQ.

How the mighty have fallen.

Happy Wedding Anniversary to Dish and TG!

2012-01-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

One year ago, I walked down the aisle to "Rio" and married my Prince Charming. If you scroll back a few years, you'll see Dish's long journey to this unexpected event. Some highs and lows but I can say that with TG, I "just knew." Like you know with a good melon.

Great job, Ricky!

2012-01-15T15:45:00.001-08:00

Ricky made everyone so nervous at the beginning. You could see audience was far too serious or dumb in that they couldn't keep up with him. But he was a bit more subdued from last year, which means he will probably host again.

As usual, I was wrong on almost every award! What can I say, I'm an American and under 50. Here are my thoughts:

Gingies can wear yellow and white: Mireille Enos, Jessica Chastain
The dresses that looked like boats: Kyle Richards, Kelly Osbourne, Debra Messing, Julia Bowen
Sleek, gorgeous, glamorous, sparkling: Angelina Jolie (I know, shocking), Missi Pyle, Stacey Keibler, Berenice Bejo, Elizabeth McGovern, Julianne Moore
Curtains: Amanda Peet, Charlize Theron
Penis Hair award: Julianna Margulies, Kelly McDonald,
Wrong Color: Sarah Hyland, Paula Patton, Katharine McPhee, Emma Stone--about 50% of dresses
Best jugs: Sofia Vergara even though they were covered up. Not a lot of breasts this year.
Prom Dress (not in a bad way): Mila Kunis, Madeline Stowe
Old broads looking fab: Glenn Close, Tilda Swinton (she didn't look as much like an alien), Helen Mirren
Drunkest: Johnny Depp
Boring in Black: Jane lynch (I love her, tho--have a dress just like this)
Great dress, bad hair: Reese Witherspoon, Emily Blunt
Best reaction to Ricky Gervais: Jodie Foster
Funniest Ricky: Outing Jodie more, his intro to Colin Firth
Ickiest: Seth's comment about his erection next to Kate Beckinsale
Belle of the bal: Sofia Vergara

Prevailing theme: light colors to go with pale complexions. All wrong!

Little golden nuggets: Kayte Walsh preggo with twins. Jon Huntsman dropped out of GOP race.

I've Contributed to the Downfall of America!!!

2012-01-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

Despite all the bad reviews, despite her being an evil genius, despite the fakery, the scary dark eyeshadow and Joyce DeWitt wannabe hair, I BOUGHT Kris Jenner's latest book and I hate myself. The worst part, I rationalized this depravity by saying, "It's part of my job to know about pop culture." Forgive me, readers.

Will start on it as soon as I've finished Mary Jo Buttafuoco's book. Will offset this double permanent damage by plowing through another two pages of Proust...in the original French!!!

Dish's Golden Globe Predictions/Wishes:

2012-01-15T07:58:00.001-08:00

I cannot wait to hear what Ricky Gervais says! His malice is so refreshing. I won't tarry with my choices:

MOVIES

Best Picture--Drama: The Descendants (my wish is for Moneyball but Clooney is the Golden God)

Best Actress--Drama: Viola Davis for The Help (movie slow but Viola is awesome, understated and shows acting can be good without all the prosthetics)

Best Actor--Drama: George Clooney in The Descending Testicles zzzzzz (my wish is for Brad Pitt in Moneyball)

Best Picture--Comedy: The Artist

Best Actress--Comedy: Michelle Williams for My Week With Marilyn (Give her a bone)

Best Actor--Comedy: Jean Dujardin for The Artist (It must be)

Supporting Actress: Berenice Bejo

Supporting Actor: Viggo Mortensen (playing Freud, though Kenneth Branagh and Jonah Hill were brilliant and I would not choose them b/c Jonah's too young, My Week with Marilyn wasn't amazing)

Best Foreign Film: In the Land of Blood and Honey

Best Animated Feature: Rango (I have no idea)

Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius (He did something DIFFERENT and artful!)

Best Screenplay: The Descendants

Best Original Score: The Artist

Best Song: "Hello, Hello" from Gnomeo & Juliet (I have no idea)

TELEVISION:

Best Series--Drama: Game of Thrones (though my choice is Breaking Bad) though split on American Horror Story and Homeland. Crap! I don't know.

Best Actress--Drama: Mireille Enos in The Killing

Best Actor--Drama: Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad

Best Series--Comedy: Modern Family

Best Actress--Comedy: Zooey Deschanel of New Girl (I predict an upset)

Best Actor--Comedy: Alec Baldwin of 30 Rock

Best Miniseries: Downtown Abbey (everyone's squealing over this)

Best Actress in a Miniseries: Elizabeth McGovern for Downtown Abbey (because I love her to death since Ordinary People playing Janine Pratt!)

Best Actor in a Miniseries: Hugh Bonneville in Downtown Abbey. He just rocks in general, amazing body of work. Amazing body.

Best Supporting Actor in Miniseries/Series: Sofia Vergara of Modern Family(just for gorgeous boobs alone)

Best Supporting Actress in Miniseries/Series: Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones (I've never seen this but he's consistently awesome but I'd be delighted with Eric Stonestreet)

Possible Star Sighting--Hank Azaria!!!

2012-01-14T06:29:00.000-08:00

3:00 pm: 18th Street, exiting the building, I potentially spot a fully helmeted Hank Azaria getting on a motorcycle. I pssst TG and tell him. TG freaked because he hearts Hank and he ran back to say, "I love your work" and give him a thumbs up. Mortified, Dish kept walking though figured that H.A. would think TG was admiring his hog. It may not have been Hank Azaria at all...

Broadway-scion Eric Nederlander was allegedly charged with violating an order of protection for pulling his girlfriend's hair, the same GF he allegedly punched and smashed into pexiglas cab window. Dish always wondered why Jessica Seinfeld left him after three weeks of marriage. This would do it for me, though who knows what happens between couples.

Dish dreamed she had cancer of the chest (?) and worked as a cocktail waitress while going through chemo. I left my station for a few hours during which someone very smartly stole all my money. Luckily, my boss wasn't upset. But then Nile Rodgers--also battling cancer but in real life--invited me to a concert in Germany. I woke to a cat smacking my face and then felt immense relief not to be sick.

TG and I discussed how good Benjamin Bratt was in Modern Family. We like him when he's not serious.

A Crazy Day for Female Celebrities! Dish Is Here for Amateur Counseling!

2012-01-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

So, Sinead O'Connor ended her marriage AGAIN, blaming the evil media (though, she is media herself). What's a quirky, wildly-talented middle-aged babe to do? She sought a man for sexcapades and affection. A man stepped up--a drug counselor, no less--and it still didn't work. If their marriage can't last, what hope do the rest of us have?

Our favorite cute blond from the 80s and 90s (she could skip the last decade) Heather Locklear mixed Rx and booze, winding up in the hospital. I love her. I don't want her to be sick. She needs to be on TV. Aside from the substance abuse, why isn't her phone ringing?

My favorite celebri-cook Paula Deen announced that she has the diabooties, a lesson for us to work out and watch that sugar. Dish is a little pre-diabetic and thin-nish so we're all at risk. Let's end this epidemic and eat good!

It shouldn't be a surprise: Anderson Cooper's talk show is dead to me. Not only is our episode probably never airing thereby holding the Dish/TG celebrity hostage, but he's doing a show on toddlers and bikini waxing. I draw the line.

Dish's New 2012 Diet!

2012-01-12T15:43:00.000-08:00

TG and I might have reached a new low (or is it high)as I ate macaroni & cheese while watching him do his ab workout while he watched Jail, a self-explanatory reality show. Guess who's lost two pounds? Me!

Don't Buy Gifts Just Yet: Halle Berry is not engaged! She and Olivier are just going steady. Hurry up, Halle. You don't want to keep us from speculating further on your relationship, do you? And what's the latest on Johnny/Vanessa? It's been days since we saw the shocking photos of Vanessa without makeup, allegedly wan from the misery of a Depp-less day.

Kardashian/Beyonce drama continues with no good outcome. The Khloe Kardashian paternity issue is vile. I wouldn't wish that rumor on those I hate most but it's juicy controversy that comes at a fascinating time. No doubt Khloe will show us her resilience on an ep of Khloe & Lamar. As for the Blue Ivy birthing, I'm sure there was a big production. Beyon-Z are laughing all the way to the bank with the new baby-inspired song. I would gladly hire them to manage my 401K.

Dish signed up for Mama Gena's NYC class in February. Just a lark for this uptight New England WASP. Am envisioning coconut bras, celebrating my inner goddess and stuffing dollar-bills down my own pants. Can't wait!

My good deed for the day: 1 Chapter of Wheelock's Latin. Bad deed: Pretending cat hurl behind the couch doesn't exist.

Kardashian Bombshell That Seems Kinda Malish

2012-01-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

The tabloids suddenly and inexplicably seem fixated on the possibility that Khloe Kardashian, the scary and least robotic one, is not biologically a Kardashian. If I were Khloe, I'd be enraged but also not surprised--since all bets are off when you're a K. On the bright side, she's richer than the people reporting these awful things. The rumors might be originating from Robert Kardashian's last wife who also spewed that Bruce Jenner cross-dresses. As if this will get me out of bed in the morning. Give me something *really* scandalous -- like photographic evidence that Bruce and Kris still do it.

In a related note, God Bryan Ferry got married to a sweet young lass. More than this? There's nothing. Well, except this clip, which made me cry despite off key. Think it was the sequins: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5JyHrqLJNk&list=FLgKF76xPBOTIX6LFpyz2cwA&index=61&feature=plpp_video.

Halle Berry is engaged to Olivier Martinez, but those pesky French boys, so secretive. He popped the question six months ago. Remember when Richard Gere clocked him in Unfaithful? Maybe I need to stop watching Snapped.

Which reminds me, Revenge. Just started watching, thanks to two gay male friends who say it's "The Best". I have misgivings when a series begins with a voice-over, "When I was a little girl..." Pointy-nosed-actress from Brothers & Sisters gives me a dull gut ache but I'm willing to get through a few eps.

So, Bill O'Reilly having NYPD spy on his wife to see if she's cheating? If true, love is alive on Fox!

If You Live in NYC, You're Too Nuts for "The Bachelor"

2012-01-10T05:56:00.000-08:00

Incidentally, this is my choice for the winner of The Bachelor. Dish doesn't have a whole lot of experience watching The Bachelor (bahahaha) but even this blogger notices a trend. NYC contestants tend not to last. Their craziness stands out amidst the dulcet tones of fine southern ladies and perky nurses from the West coast. NY girls are too crazy, claustrophic/agoraphobic, manic and mal-adjusted. This may be a great city, but it f*cks you up big-time to the point where you can't stop with the rapid eye movement while in public places, you can barely hold a conversation without convulsions and hyperventilating is the norm.

Let's talk about me now.

Golden Globes this Sunday! TG is dying to watch. JK: he's watching ~~Penis~~ Bomb Patrol and I no longer exist. Our one-year wedding anniversary is a holiday this year. Dish is working on a meaningful gift, but will not hold a candle to the blue topaz earrings.

Congratulations to Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul who got engaged. I hope this show wins big at the Golden Globes. Having senior moment--TV is included, right? Oh God.

Star Sighting--Dana Ivey!!!

2012-01-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

10:45am: Dishbrother reports the sighting while boarding the Downtown 1 train at 86th Street. Dana seemed annoyed "as usual" but then sat down, whipped out a magazine and appeared perfectly happy. Go, Dana! Angry Birds also helps cool my jets on a stuffy car.

AnnaLynne McCord "accidentally" tweeted her tatas to a no-doubt delighted fan. It's an epidemic! If you can't be topless in a movie, why not Tweet it! Mayhap this blossoms into a movie project for McCord.

Of all the injustice! Snoop Dogg arrested in Texas for carrying around the maryjane. Come on. It's Snoop. He's not hurting anyone and we like when he does cameos on shows. Just let him go.

And so much controversy and news over Beyonce's birth. Jay-Z released a new song about it--already being the best father ever! And allegedly, this was a vadge-birth and not a C-section and were hospital personnel ignoring non-celeb babies? We need the facts ASAP. Maybe consider holding a press conference to clear up all misconceptions.

Beyonce's Baby Is Here!

2012-01-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

Oh, and Jay-Z might have had something to do with it. A little girl Blue Ivy Carter arrived at some point via C-section. The celebs never disappoint with the quirky names, though this one is kinda pretty. The BeyonZ marriage/pregnancy/birth was shrouded in secrecy, which Dish respects. But...doesn't it take a whole lot of effort to be so private? I gave up privacy a long time ago, though I'm not a celebrity. Yet.

The Good Wife's Alan Cumming married his sweetheart. The picture is positively joyous. Keep those same sex marriages coming. The more these buffoon Republicans (except for Huntington and Ron Paul who are intelligent but unelectable) see that gay marriage is real and unstoppable, the more they will shut the hell up and get with the times.

TG and I are having a quiet night at home, watching the latest Snapped and eating butterscotch/chocolate blondies with milk #f$#cknewyearsresolutions.

Kristy McNichol Comes Out!

2012-01-07T12:56:00.000-08:00

Kristy was my idol growing up. I wanted to be her so badly, even through the Empty Nest years. The awesome part was that I was a tomboy and had her coloring so I might have pulled off a Kristy-transformation if I'd had a different nose, mouth, eyes and body frame. She's been out of the news for twenty years but now has come out of the closet after this epidemic of fatal bullying incidents. Go, Kristy! And please get back on TV as the bubbly sister.

Another idol is Mindy Kaling who stars and writes for The Office. Her autobiography Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns)? is a fresh and entertaining read. Plus, because she's young, so it's really short, therefore easy on the attention span. Now I love her even more.

Other news: Josh Lucas is engaged and Paula Abdul split with her beau and Chaz wants to buy a penis. An epic day.

Today marks a real anniversary for Dish. 21 years ago, I had a brush with death thanks to random violence. I'm grateful to be alive. The body remembers and I'm a little jittery of late. But having TG home again makes everything sparkly and fun. He is a joy.

Patrick Smith Natural Health: Skin Care for the Stars!

2012-01-07T06:09:00.000-08:00

As with exercise, Dish is always looking for a new skin care regime. I recently gave up my Roc Night Wrinkle Cream (which is still awesome) for the all-natural face serum by Patrick Smith Natural Health: http://www.facebook.com/psnaturalhealth. You can visit his store at: http://patricksmithlmt.com/store. I've been using these oils for the last few months and my skin has changed. Rosacea, gone. Blotchy skin, gone. Rough dry face, gone. I highly recommend the whipped body butter as well!

Now to exercise, I just found a Deepak Chopra yoga exercise DVD. It seems so hilarious I have to try it.

Star Sighting--Carlos Santana!!!

2012-01-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

5 pm: I was walking off a little panic attack. I get them a lot in NYC and walking helps. As my nerves reached normal, I saw a debonair Carlos Santana crossing Charlton St. with his spouse. They looked cool as cucumbers and he had not one iota of stress on his face. Confession time: I'm about as knowledgeable about CS as I am about The Grateful Dead (as in not at all) but I do love this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXp413NynFk. Seeing Santana was a nice transition into my evening Zen.

More Successful Celeb Fertilization!

2012-01-06T05:56:00.000-08:00

It seems Sienna Miller is preggo via boyfriend-turned-fiance Tom Sturridge. Now, when is she going to get out another stylish and well acted movie? I see on her IMDB that she has scads of projects in post-production but...well...oh, actually I don't care. Now that she's no longer banging Jude Law, I don't. Unless she makes another Layer Cake or Factory Girl. Then I'm back on Team Sienna! Don't waste your talent unless involved in an enormous scandal. What I really mean to say is: Congrats to the happy couple.

I read a rumor--and I hope it's a rumor--that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are fighting. Celeb fighting means splitsville because they often don't know how to resolve conflict and just move on to the next. These two have been like glue for years so splitting up isn't a good idea. France is awesome. Johnny speaks French. Vanessa is my idol since I was 20. Maybe, though, it'll bring him back to America...Stop me, I'm having mild fantasies of Angelina leaving Brad for him. But that's just cruel, Dish.

The Casey Anthony video diaries. Such delusion.

Star Sighting--David Birney!!!

2012-01-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

As I breathed through the panic of being squashed between two large people, I noticed DB was 2 rows ahead of me at Seminar. Remember him as the ex-husband of Meredith Baxter who is now a lesbian? I only saw him in profile. He wore a nice red scarf and now we know where my 80s perm went. I'd recognize those sparkling Love Boat eyes anywhere.

The performances were excellent. The play was just okay. I'm convinced Alan Rickman is made up of golden molecules. He fairly shimmers on stage.

Off to See God Himself AKA Alan Rickman in "Seminar"!

2012-01-05T14:45:00.001-08:00

I cannot wait to see AR on stage again. Review to come. I hear Jerry O'Connell is fabulous too.

More happiness: Drew Barrymore is taking the plunge for the third time! What I love about Drew is that she has a type: dorky dudes and she tends to up their star points. Dishfriend once stood in line with her at Bed, Bath and Beyond and said she was darling.

Keri Russell (aka Felicity) gave birth to a girl! I can't be bothered to look up the name but I imagine it's something like Peach or Lorelei Buzzkill or Raine. Meanwhile, I'm trying to heal the indigestion from seeing the latest Twitterpic of Marc Anthony--all fuzzy-eyed--smooching on a J.Lo twin. Quick, J.Lo time to mount Casper on a bench!

Star Sighting--David Costabile!!!

2012-01-05T05:46:00.000-08:00

5:05 at a store on 7th Avenue-ish. It's funny, Hersheykiss and I were JUST discussing Gale from Breaking Bad and how brilliant he is and how one scene just broke my heart in pieces. I walked by the store and then doubled back, my face against the glass. Twas he! My skin tingled which authenticated the sighting--though my failing eyesight could be off.

A fine actor indeed. Dish has three more episodes before catching up on Season 4.

Two Confirmed Bachelors Fall. So Does the Sky!!! Followed by Sinead O'Connor's Reconciliation!

2012-01-04T06:56:00.000-08:00

Hallelujia! I'm full to busting with happy news! This report brings me to manic tears: After a night of lovemaking, Sinead O'Connor and her husband of 18 days decided to reconcile! Stay away from the weed, Sinead, though I've heard it can enhance sexual arousal. And please, at least have the decency to share which position/s sealed the deal???

Even more joyous (though Hersheykiss might be miffed), Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are finally trying the knot. A dream come true! But Dish wonders how this will affect her movie career. I mean, is New Year's Eve it? Please, Jessica, now that you have the man nailed down, don't give up your gift/dream (no WASP sarcasm, I promise. I saw The Illusionist). And, I've heard that Mario Lopez is also engaged to his babymama!

Let's all join hands and dance in a circle of love and light.

Though, with happy comes sad as Nick Cannon suffers from mild kidney failure. A little cranberry juice does a body good. Please get better, Nick. You're a delight in movies/TV and the only one who can tame the beast.

Oh, and sources are on bumpwatch for Rachel Zoe. Lastly, it seems the President went shirtless in Hawaii, playing football. I do NOT want to see Daddy without clothes. Please get that shirt back on, POTUS.

Where's Mariska Hargitay When I Need Her?

2012-01-03T09:49:00.001-08:00

Spotted, Steven Tyler topless in Maui. He has a perky set of man-hooters.

After mostly taking an all-nighter due to the scary rantings of a lunatic (every one has a few of these, am I right?), I woke to the police knocking on my door. Two of New York's finest were cordial and asking if I knew about the sweet old lady next door and could I find the super to open her door for them. Dish to the rescue! They even used my facilities. Long story short, the sweet old lady had died a few days before. I'm not sure why this makes me happy. Maybe because she's in a better place, is probably happier now. She was quite ill and lived by herself. It puts the lunatics into perspective. TG is sad he missed all the fun, though I'm sure he would have gotten more involved in transporting the body and wondering about switching apartments.

When Dish hears about The Bachelor contestants threatening to rip a %*($*'s face off, the DVR must be set to record. Ben seems functional as this year's bachelor, a bit too Beta but most definitely the lovechild of Keanu and Nadal. I already know who should win (Kacie, the administrative assistant) and who's too batshit crazy (that blogger chick) to stay but will to keep the show interesting, which it's not.

Sandra Bernhard hates on Kathy Griffin which is beyond stupid. Jealous much of Kathy's success? I do enjoy them both but loathe when women bash each other like this, glorifying themselves by crucifying another which always backfires.

Why I Love Brandi Glanville

2012-01-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

She drunkenly married her BFF over New Year's. Good for her even though they're probably getting annulled. Did they consummate the marriage before her head went down the toilet? That bitch knows how to party! I've always wanted to spontaneously get married then regret it the day after. My groom could have gotten drunk and I would have taken an Ambien, which makes me do crazy things like email inappropriate things to acquaintances from decades ago, eat butter/crackers and roast eggplant that's been sitting at the bottom of the fridge for days. Maybe when TG and I renew our vows, we can pretend to be strangers and then get smashed and remarried. I will carry his blood in a vial around my neck. Oh wait, he would worry someone might steal it. Never mind!

Le City De Love!

2012-01-02T06:12:00.000-08:00

People, you know it's love if a guy meets you in Paris. Not only does he want to boink you silly (wear a condom) in the City of Lights, but you're soaked in culture. Derek and Minka went to the Musee D'Orsay and so many masterpieces are hanging there. The two must have strolled through the halls, Minka might have told him about this Courbet painting, he went "whoa" and the love just got deeper. In the Musee Rodin, he and Minka probably acted out some of the sculptures, especially the super phallic ones, they giggled, and then went to the rose garden outside wherein Minka gave Derek a super-sexy botany lesson. "Didn't Rodin go out with that scary bitch?" Derek probably asked, and so Minka updated him on super-great Camille Claudel.

I see great things for these two.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T11:52:00.001-08:00

I'm with Kim Kardashian, who Tweeted, "i wanna be more simple in 2012." Well, mission accomplished, sweetie! It's time to break out the Derrida and get those chocolate peepers perusing challenging, like, material and, like, having an aMAAAAzing experience. It will, at the very least, prevent her from getting bangs again.

Dish merged with the couch and howled over Kathy Griffin's antics. The stripping down to a bra, well, it just makes a girl think of ways to shock the world. If Kathy can do it, why can't I? There is prison to consider.

Yet another engagement: LeBron James. What does Dish say about dating athletes? Despite this, I wish the happy couple great joy.

What really broke Katy and Russell up? Dish saw it the second they started dating. KP's at the beginningish of a great career. He's kinda doing well but has a string of bummer movies. And, well, he doesn't translate as well here. Plus, the age difference and he's done partying and she's having fun. Something's gotta give.

Pictures have surfaced of Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly canoodling in Paris. Dishfriendintheoffice must be SO pissed.

Dish's 2012 Wishes and Predictions

2011-12-31T13:37:00.000-08:00

1. Julia Roberts will make a romantic comedy -- something light and fluffy where she will laugh uproariously and spout repeatable lines. Please, Julia! (Sean Penn should do one too because he's still kind of hot--well, he reminds me a lot of TG--and you two would be great)
2. Sofia Vergara will win SOMETHING. She is amazing and needs recognition pronto. Don't judge her because her melones fairly pop out of her dresses.
3. Annoyances will fade from our psychic landscape: the Kardashians (still like Kris Jenner, though), the Lohans
4. Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani will run for President which will make us laugh even harder at the parade of fools in this campaign.
5. Mad Men, Dexter, The Closer, and Breaking Bad will shock our faces off with amazing new seasons.
6. Please God, let me not even turn on The Bachelor which premieres January 16th. I got so screwed last year with Brad and Emily.
7. I will meet a huge celebrity (2011 brought Anderson Cooper but we can aim higher--especially since HE NEVER AIRED OUR SHOW).
8. Queer As Folk will return. Please? Even if Gale and Hal don't mesh.
9. A tabloid, production company, star will hire me as a consultant and overall delight. I am an expert.
10. An A-lister will fart on The View and it won't be Whoopi.
11. Demi will find true love again before Ashton and she'll stick with the kids.
12. Demi and Courtney Cox will look even more alike in 2012 thanks to a new treatment developed in Switzerland.
13. Derek Jeter will finally get married.
14. Hillary Clinton and her ever-growing blond locks will find even more success as she rises higher. More streakers will parade through official events and she will laugh like a bar floozy, which we love.
15. An A-list divorce will shock the hell out of everyone.
16. January Jones reveals the Lord as the father of her child.
17. Britney gets pregnant and married.
18. Olivia Wilde will leave Jason Sudeikis in the dust for someone more famous...and off limits.
19. Jane Lynch will do a dramatic role that has us gasping in wonder. Okay, I'm projecting here. I basically want people I like to rule the world. Is there anything wrong with that?
20. Getting back to Julia, she and I will embark on a lacy-beaded shawl knitting pattern this year. Race ya.
21. Bryan Cranston will be declared God.
22. I'm going to have a beer.

Happiness is when his flight is delayed one day!

2011-12-31T12:34:00.000-08:00

Not many people were flying 5,000 miles away last night, including TG. He leaves in a couple hours for his destination, but it was a happy surprise that he came home last night (though he did interrupt my Kardashian catch-up).

While perusing my latest catalog, I realized a fabulous fertility tip: become a Victoria's Secret model. Half of them are pregnant or just had babies. I'll start my liquid diet right now. Where's my whey milkshake, TG?

TG and I saw The Artist yesterday. Totally charming and brings back the luster of a bygone era. Jean Dujardin and Berenice Bejo are brilliant together. Dish blubbered over that damn dog, who should win an Oscar or at least be nominated. I would cast him instead of humans in a whole host of movies.

Beyonce may have had her baby. Wasn't her pregnancy a strange one? It seemed just yesterday she announced it and her bump kept changing. But then she and Jay-Z were always secretive about their relaysh.

There were rumors of Chris Brown and Rihanna reuniting. Dear Lord in Heaven, let this not happen. Don't they each have enough people to prevent this? Once you get a smack, don't go back!

Dear God, Not the Brand-Perrys!

2011-12-30T05:55:00.000-08:00

It's official that Russell Brand has filed for divorce with the usual irreconcilable differences. The clue came when they spent Christmas apart. Don't worry, folks. Just because TG and I are spending New Year's apart, doesn't mean we're not happy kids. In fact, I'm near tears that he's leaving for a week. Ah well, it just means a Breaking Bad marathon will happen tonight in the nation of Chelsea.

Tabloids report that Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are canoodling on the Sunset strip. I kinda hoped he'd get back with our skinny-as-string Renee, but then one can't place money on Hollywood romance.

So Dish slugged through a face/hair ruining rainstorm to attend a party thrown by glamorous people on the inside. Big news: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a great guy. Super nice (no, he wasn't there). Dish caught some major bombshells about who's gay and who's not. Mostly what we already know but details. I'll take them to my grave.

Here's a travesty of justice: Khloe Kardashian wants to go blond but her mother Kris Jenner won't let her. This is a national crisis, especially since Khloe is hotter as a blond. Please God, send in Sean Penn and George Clooney and a telethon.

Stephanie Kramer of Hunter fame is joining The Secret Circle (as Gale's mamala) and she is AWESOME. Gale Harold fans, did I stop watching too soon?

Holiday Season = More Engagements and Pregnations!

2011-12-29T08:31:00.000-08:00

Wynonna Judd engaged to musician Cactus Moses. Congrats, you two! She only has to water him once a month. Michael Jordan is also engaged. Which rock has he been living under these days? If I were like Mike--and who wouldn't want to be--I'd liquify any money that looks especially crisp and then bathe in it. I hear the vapors eliminate toxins and lift the skin.

Kings of Leon member Caleb Followill will be a dad (which one dated Amber Le Bon--that's all Dish cares about. Don't start a family too soon, Amber! We want to see what you can do).

American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson endorsed Republican candidate Ron Paul. Dish loves Ron's crochety old fart ways, and his resemblance to Frasier's dad makes him cute as a button. Sadly for Ron, I will probably vote for the least evil candidate.

I love Mama Gena--just in small doses or else this cynic get an ice cream headache. She has a way of perking a girl up and nudging her in a sexy direction. Here's what this motivating goddess of sensuality has to say about resolutions: http://mamagenas.com/blog/whats-better-than-a-resolution. Dish will make two sets of "desires" -- one for self, one for the stars. Stay tuned.

Divorcing with the Stars!

2011-12-29T05:04:00.000-08:00

There had to be a part II in the Debra Messing divorce bombshell. She's supposedly dating her Smash co-star Will Chase! TG and I watched the preview for this flickipoo and it looks a little like Burlesque/A Chorus Line/You Light Up My Life/Fame-ish. Might have to see it anyway since I love Debra. She looks so happy in this pic, like the glow that comes from new romance. Or in my case, I get that glow when I see a bacon cheeseburger with fries.

Hollywood's favorite psychopath Mike Lohan collapsed in his AA meeting and the docs found a new blood clot in his lungs. I don't wish him ill but Karma is a bitch. As my doctor says, the bad stuff has to come out somehow (I won't elaborate on how this relates to me except baked goods every day for a month + no vegetables = you do the math).

According to TMZ, an ex-Kardashian nanny is shopping a book in which she trashes the kids. Speaking from someone in that publishing industry (as you can tell), I don't see a huge market for this. By the time it comes out the K empire won't be so hot. This book would send more bad energy out into the universe. And we already can guess how spoiled the girls might have been. Now if the nanny were a caretaker by day, dominatrix to the stars by night...

Cattiness ensues between Deion Sanders's soon-to-be ex and her stepdaughter, who began a Twitter war claiming Pilar (Deion's wife) was an unfaithful gold-digger. Everyone looks ugly in this. Best to be quiet.

Preggo Means No More Tiger Stigma!

2011-12-28T05:27:00.000-08:00

Rachel Uchitel ups her game by Tweeting her preggo bod. The world is right again for her now that she's shed her Tiger-mistress skin. It's amazing the many layers of existence.

Speaking of, Anthony Weiner allegedly wanted to have a threesome with another man, according to the woman who came forward about his wang-Tweeting. So this means he's a little gay too? Maybe just gay-adjacent and not ashamed to be naked in a sexual way with another man. I dig that. I wonder what it's gonna take for the wife to leave. Not recycling?

Still-kinda-cool rock star Steven Tyler proposed to his somewhat age-appropriate and pretty GF but family is supposedly not happy. They've been together five years so Dish is fine with it. Not everyone has to love each other. It only matters that Steven is happy and keeps creating weirdisms on American Idol. He rocks!

Not-funny Russell Brand and awesome songstress Katy Perry spent Christmas apart and the splitsville rumors abound! Guys, you cannot divorce after having a lavish wedding. Oh wait...yes you can (KK)!

More Proof that Celebrity Heteros Shouldn't Marry!

2011-12-27T06:11:00.000-08:00

Golden voiced Sinead O'Connor ended her marriage after 18 days. I couldn't understand her reasoning but here's the gist: Husband freaked out, wedding night search for maryjane wound up hurting them deeply, people around them were haters, they rushed into marriage and are now rushing out of it. Kim is off the hook! To be fair, Sinead is truly ill upstairs--and she knows it--and at least has the wherewithall not to screw her public into watching a televised marriage. At least Sinead didn't marry every five minutes either. She spaced them out within 10 years of each other (except for these last two).

The most exciting part of this Christmas was discovering that Nora Walker and Dishmama live practically next-door to each other, which means Dish could *easily* run into her in the elevator. I will make it so. I need a cup of sugar from the Flying Nun.

Sad condolences to friends, fans and family of Clare Veronica Walsh, a goddess spin instructor, who died at the far-too-young age of 22 and SNL writer Joe Bodolai, who left this earth by his own design. Blessings on their coming and going.

Happy Boxing Day!

2011-12-26T10:13:00.000-08:00

Some quick news since Dish has two parties to attend:

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves are engaged! After two kids, it seems rather sudden. This means Camila will be legally bound to make sure he showers. Just kidding! With the baldiness, that's one place he doesn't need to worry about. There are many others.

Just saw a pic of Kat Von D spilling out of her jeans and it made me feel good. She's a normal sized woman!

Reality show drama queen Vienna Girardi stormed off Relationship Rehab because they brought her face-to-face with an ex. She's so good at the fake crisis!

Arnold and Maria might be having second thoughts. It runs in the family to stay by your man even if he sticks it where it doesn't belong. Change is difficult.

Off to party.

Oops! Almost forgot to post, LOLZ

2011-12-25T19:42:00.001-08:00

Dish is all snug as a bug when I realize my forgetfulness. An important discussion of Dishbrother's bday: a worthy costar for Julia Roberts. we went through countless male actors and only found one: Sean Penn. we love him because he would help draw out her best work as he did with Naomi Watts in Fair Game. That is all. Smut returns tomorrow!

A New Low...

2011-12-24T20:41:00.001-08:00

By accident the channel was on E and so were the Kardashians. I am hooked and hate myself.

What would Julia think of this?

Sigh, Happy Holidays.

Geezer News

2011-12-23T09:20:00.001-08:00

Robert De Niro and his wife Grace Hightower gave birth to a divine girl (via surrogate). Let this latest De Niro be intense and ever mindful of making as many pictures as possible, some good, some bad. Mazel Tov, you crazy kids!

Ladies and Sugar T*ts, let the matrimonial race begin. Mel Gibson is official single again. Hubba, hiccup, hubba! I just can't help remembering the precious voicemail he left for his last babymama, "I want you to get over here and BLOW ME NOWWWWW!!!!" Who says romance is dead?

Prince Phillip underwent emergency heart surgery. For the sake of the monarchy, let's hope he recovers soon. Stiff upper lip!

The holiday season means more Jacquie Lawson ecards. They're sort of like The Highline to Dish--don't get the appeal but lots of my friends/colleague think they're fabulous. In our age of immediate gratification, I can't sit still long enough to see the bird create a centerpiece for the Christmas table, then light a crappy candle in the window. Am I on crack?

Long live someecards.com.

Speaking of crack, I'm thoroughly hooked on Breaking Bad. The acting is just ... I have no words. It brings back my years in New Mexico, when in 3/4 neighborhoods, you could count on a someone breaking into your house and stealing all your jewelry. The good old days! Despite this, I'd go back in a heartbeat for the desert beauty. The series doesn't capture the lusciousness of NM, just the seedy part.

A Weiner Is Born...

2011-12-22T07:32:00.001-08:00

Congratulations to Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin for their latest addition, Jordan Zane Weiner. I'm too sophisticated to put forth alternative baby names for their little tyke (Ima, Don Tuchmie, Ura Bigue). He'll already get a lot of sh*t.

Glam-popster Adam Lambert was arrested for brawling with his boyfriend in Finland. Sounds like Adam has a case of the boozies, which might prove detrimental to his career. I lost interest after American Idol but had great hopes he'd join Queen. Dish will put on her serious hat with this message: Once your lover hits you or Tweets his wang, pack those bags and get out.

Just saw the teaser for Game Change starring Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4YlDkCIoIs. I love Julianne mostly because she's a gingie and I saw her in person and she was this bubbly chatty cathy when she seems all acty on film. It's one dinky line, but she gave me chills. Is Ed Harris even trying? Haven't forgiven him for not crying during Stepmom, yet his performance in Milk Money is unmatched.

My Resolutions for the Stars

2011-12-21T18:43:00.001-08:00

1. Kate Middleton gains weight. She's been gaunt since her engagement to Wills. Is it stress?

2. The Kardashians fade out and a new family emerges: the Franzens. Imagine if Jonathan Franzen and his family had a reality show. They'd discuss literature, agonize over words (lots of them) and wonder where to get a shitty black turtleneck so they can hide away from this feckless universe. For now, let's rant and rave about the Ks manufacturing overseas and potential use of slave labor. This flock of brunettes has become the symbol of all things bad. Greed, vanity, recklessness and possessing stultifying speech patterns.

3. Kris Humphries thrives as a NJ Net. Not sure I see him as a victim but the best revenge is living well.

4. Julia Roberts makes a romantic comedy with ... I can't believe I'm saying this ... Tom Cruise. The most expensive movie in history but it needs to happen. He would wear major pumps to meet her chin. Okay, too much. Maybe I'd go for Hugh Jackman if he weren't so ... maybe Liev Schreiber. Okay, no one. No one matches Julia.

Dish reached rock bottom of the holiday blues, arranged herself artfully on the muddy earth, and looked up through tears to see a light in the distance. Maybe it's the "grow light" for TG's terrarium and I'm soaking up the photosynthesis. I'll take it and my Vitamin D. Just enough time to enjoy the holidays now. Oh wait ... they haven't even started.

Today's topic: Is Daniel Craig worn out looking, as Dishbrother maintains? He does have the appearance of being run over by a truck and was too skinny in Cowboys and Aliens. Looking forward to James Bond. Watching moviestars run makes me happy.

Happy Anniversary, TG, + 3 Days!

2011-12-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

Dish hasn't been in much of a party mood and, truth be told, I'm so ready for this year to end, as wonderful as it was. What made it wonderful? Well, obviously, I married a gem. He puts up with a lot of BS from me, and with good humor. For the two-year anniversary of when he flew here from Switzerland to live with me immediately after not seeing me for 26 years (look at post from 12/17/09), he got me gems! Gorgeous blue topaz earrings with little diamonds. I've never been that into jewelry but this is changing FAST. Having such a great guy fall so unexpectedly into my life makes me endlessly lucky.

Because I'm twisted and it's the only news of the day, two couples who didn't end up so lucky but had a good run: Sam Shepherd and Jessica Lange -- together since 1982 -- split. This doesn't surprise me. Debra Messing and her husband split as well after, if I do the math, what could be 18 years together. A college try.

Just finished Jane Lynch's auto-bio and am sad that it ended. I see that she sponsors B&N's Nook. Must change over immediately!

I'm Not Sure What I'm Doing Here

2011-12-19T06:03:00.001-08:00

Four cookies later, I read that Jennifer Beals is a runner. Dishbrother was an extra in a movie of hers and says she is gorge-tastic in person: http://www.runnersworld.com/articlehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif/0,7120,s6-243-544--13135-F,00.html?cm_mmc=Facebook-_-RunnersWorld-_-Content-Motivation-_-JenniferBealsImARunner. To Dish, she will always be the Alpha-goddess Bette from The L Word. Which reminds me, Jane Lynch was in that. Definitely need a mood booster tonight.

That North Korean dictator died of a heart attack--go figure, natural causes, I guess it could happen to anyone. In the same breath, Judy Greer, i.e. the bridesmaid but never a bride in romantic comedies, got married over the weekend. In The Wedding Planner, there's a scene where, I swear, unwashed Matthew McConaughey seems turned on by Greer and I love that.

NYU professor Jose Angel Santana claims that he got fired for giving James Franco a bad grade. I used to love Franco but he's saturated the market with his Renaissance Man ways. His crappy Oscar hosting proved he's spread too thin. I could have done a better job hosting.

Chaz Bono and Jennifer Elia are over. They seemed like a mess of a couple but--sheesh--dealing with some major shizzola. I'd probably throw in the towel in favor of less baggage. If only that existed. Everyone always packs too much. Speaking of which, I have to get on an aluminum tube soon wherein my claws will embed themselves in the ceiling as it hurls through space. Lately my head doesn't seem attached to my body so what does it matter?

Are the holidays over yet?

Happy Birthday, Katie Holmes!

2011-12-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

It's nice that there's been mellowing over Katie Holmes allegedly held prisoner by Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology. If you hang in, the story eventually dies. Dish only cares about her movie roles, which got a boost with The Kennedys. I can't forget her performance in The Gift and Pieces of April. I know she can succeed, with or without a mans.

Speaking of mans, A.J. McLean of the Backstreet Boys got hitched! He was the troubled one.

Two elevator deaths besieged NYC in one week: Ad exec Suzanne Hart died horrifically in a freak accident that could happen in any of these death machines in the city. Another woman was lit on fire by a fiend, who has been arrested.

Angry Birds masters were featured in The Post. Being great at Angry Birds seems like an Al Pacino "m... f... waste of my time." I love Angry Birds because it's the only thing -- aside from TG's soft-spoken observations of the ridiculous -- that distracts me on the subway, no small feat since I battle claustrophobia almost daily.

Trying to keep myself from watching the finale of Dexter. I won't sleep...

Why I love Michael Buble and Jimmy Fallon: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/buble-duets/1374390, especially the dead-on Sting imitation!

End of the Year Divorces!

2011-12-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

Just in time for New Years: Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, allegedly fed up with his cheating. No prenup. I hope she gets gazillions and keeps the consensual-sex-with-someone-else-apology ring. Deion Sanders is also getting divorced. What's the basic rule of life again? Never marry an athlete. At least Derek Jeter doesn't wed his babes but gives them an autographed baseball, according to The Post.

Sandra Bullock is back in a movie I have no desire to see, a first since The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Extremely Close and Insufferably Far or something like that seems to be about a kid with his deceased father's key who goes looking for a lock and meets colorful people along the way. Sandra cries. In this interview, she looks very beautiful...but the face is frozen: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/16/sandra-bullock-on-extremely-loud-incredibly-close_n_1153872.html?ref=entertainment. Is this sleep deprivation from getting Louis down for his nap or Botox? Tried to sneak in a viewing of Two Weeks Notice tonight but TG wasn't having it. He loathes Hugh Grant.

Tonight I learned from an informed source that Robert Urich was a super-nice guy. He and Michael Landon WERE the 80s. Back to watching The Help, which is really slow with some touching moments. Mostly slow. Bryce Dallas Howard and Viola Davis are brilliant.

Jon Tenney is 50!!!

2011-12-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

And a new resident of Old Fartington. Dishbrother, who just texted him, will be turning 50 next year. I shouldn't gloat because in woman years I'm already 50. We live longer but it all evens out. In the Facebook true age test, I'm 19 -- which is a gleaming pile considering my aches and pains when I get up after sitting too long. If Tom Cruise can scale the world's tallest building and not lose his cookies, we can get through just about anything, even old age.

Some sad news: Famous writer Christopher Hitchens has passed away after a battle with cancer. Indeed sad to lose any person who can be so cantankerous, intelligent, expressive and articulate. Condolences to his family.

Latest holiday depression cure: Whoopi farting on The View: video platform video management video solutions video player
Made even better by Claire Danes being on the show. (Thanks, TMZ!)

Then Britney got engaged to that sketchy guy with the facial hair. I guess okay. Also, I think TG is getting me jewelry. He's been dropping major hints and I accidentally saw an email exchange between him and the jewelry person. This was exactly how the engagement ring hijinx went down.

Loving Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch...

2011-12-15T17:42:00.000-08:00

Dish has been in a deep pit of despair. The holidays and I don't get along. Plus, I've received more reminders that I'm old. Life has passed me by. I have nothing to look forward to. In fact, I have awful things to look forward to. These thoughts come despite knowing that I'm lucky as sh*t. I have health, great husband, family, friends, roof over head.

So, I go for a sure-thing when it comes to depression cure-all and instantaneous happiness. Jane Lynch. Her book Happy Accidents is a hoot. I can hear her voice narrating in my head and that makes things better. That and Angry Birds. My editor hat feels there's a lot of "tell, tell, tell" in the book but I like reading about a celebrity who isn't a complete freak, who doesn't live life in a toilet, doesn't rage and ruin hotel rooms and has read a book if not several. I love Jane even more now that I know her life story.

Another sure-thing: Alan Rickman. So I went and booked myself a seat to see him in Seminar during my solo holiday week. See's Candy helps but I overdosed last night and woke up with severe sugar withdrawal.

And now, back to work...

Testing

2011-12-15T09:58:00.001-08:00

The blog is messed up. We shall see.

Life Is...

2011-12-14T14:37:00.000-08:00

...all about exchanging money, pleasing others and running errands.

Cougar Cubs Dropping Like Flies!

2011-12-13T17:28:00.000-08:00

Finally am watching Burlesque. Aguilera leaves her crappy job, has big boobs, wants to make it in a big city where Cher works. Oh no, you can't work here, Cher says. Who do you think you are, talented? I'm somebody, Agui says, now watch me work it by grinding against this chair. She does and they all stop rolling their eyes. Stanley Tucci is slack-jawed with amazement. Girl, you're hired! Jealousy, cat fight, romance, etc... My fave is Julianne Hough. She's the only one who looks as if she's having fun. Alan Cumming's gift is wasted though I do have an hour left.

Here's Julianne in another movie. Cannot wait to see Tom Cruise rock, a little reminiscent of Magnolia and Tropic Thunder:

She's Gotta Go to Rehab, She Said Maybe, Maybe, Maybe But Only as Outpatient

2011-12-12T15:46:00.000-08:00

Like that works for someone who keeps crawling back into the bottle/pipe! Addiction is scary so let's send Brooke Mueller healing vibes. She seems to have a serious, serious problem. Those two boys are cute, she's pretty so why can't everything be perfect? Who knew chaos would ensue all those years ago when she swooshed into Sheen's life moments after Denise left him. Those kids need non-dysfunctional nannies to raise them. As I write this frantic post, Fantasia herself is in labor.

Ah, women in transition. Creating and destroying. Dish spent the evening checking out stars in unflattering bikinis on radaronline.com. It made me feel so much better to see Cindy Crawford's normal lady gut. Another piece of banana bread for me. If they can jiggle, so can I!

Lindsay got her purse stolen in Hawaii. Didn't this happen when she went to Cannes and had to face the judge but couldn't get back because she had no ID? She is like a modern-day Job this one.

Just caught up with Dexter. The show seems to want Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall to make out and this must be *so* uncomfortable for them. Jen has looked haggard this season and I wonder, how is she coping? He seems to have moved on quickly. The finale looks fantastic. Even TG, who says Dexter is "stupid", gazed fixedly at the preview. Collin Hanks wasn't as frightening as Trinity, but he's better than last season.

Khloe and Lamar Will Do Dallas!

2011-12-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

I've never watched their show but I know they are going to Dallas. They're allegedly getting fertility treatments and they have sex...a lot. Every clip I turn on (not often, I swear) that Khloe is talking about banging. Good for her but you have to do something else. When he retires, I worry about all that time together. Well, I really don't. Who knew these kids would make it!?

This weekend, I needed a mood-boost so I started reading Jane Lynch's Happy Accidents. So far, nice parents, gawky childhood, big lesbian secret, drinking at an early age. In my gaggle of imaginary best friends, you need one crowd-pleaser and Jane is it for me. Every time she's on screen, I can't help but smile. In fact, let's watch this (warning--contains the F word a few times): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vV_drM1jW58&list=HL1323643214&feature=mh_lolz.

New Year's Eve is #1 at the B.O. So many stars in one movie. It's bound to be bad (Evening, Valentine's Day), but juicy. Must see!

Lindsay Lohan's Leaked Playboy Pics...

2011-12-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

...are not wildly amazing, though her body is celebrity-tastic with her "blond" hair, huge gazongas and skinny legs. She is artfully arranged on a bed like Marilyn. Zzzzz.

Though not a fan of J. Edgar, I loved Hereafter. My friends didn't. Then again, I love woo-woo material as long as it seems realistic (i.e. not Harry Potter but big yes for The Gift) and this one explores life after death with three stories. Matt Damon plays a John Edward psychic character, though much poorer and more temperate. At one point the French subtitles disappeared, which caused me panic until I remembered I'm fluent so I just sat back and enjoyed the music of the frogs. A little cheesy at the end, but enjoyed. Nicely done, Clint.

Thanks to the artistry of JJ, I am very Annette Bening these days with short hair. Someone said that I was more Meg Ryan from City of Angels. I'll take it!

Star Sighting--Richie Rich!!!

2011-12-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

7:10pm at a restaurant on Seventh Avenue: TG and I went in to crash DM's girl party downstairs when I spotted fashion designer/celebutante Richie Rich avidly listening to a friend at the bar. He stood out like a sparkling star against a dreary black night. I tried not to stare and just followed TG to see the other shining beacon of light, Mama-la. Seeing RR was so exciting and a nice boost since my cat had just pissed on the couch.

Today's Question: Did my mother play Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons while I was in the womb? It is the *only* explanation for why I get goosebumps and teary every time I hear their songs. I might have to see Jersey Boys again and drag her with me so that I can solve the mystery. Either that or a Shirley MacLaine past-life regression, STAT!

TV catchup: The Office, I'm over Robert California and the whole show. Only Dwight and Jim sparring rocks my world. Elisabeth Shue is replacing Marg Helgenberger on CSI starting in February, which is brilliance! Remember The Saint (All roads lead back to Duran Duran--and if you know how, please say so!)?

Failed diet: On the subway, I skimmed through more Tony Robbins and discovered he even has dieting advice. Eat water-based foods, no dairy, try to avoid meat, protein not THAT great for you, etc... Just today, Dish tried to obey but then dessert arrived. A parfait. I can't say no to parfait, which led to chocolate. Then gnocchi later and then peanut brittle (damn you, TG, for enabling). My season is screwed.

Banning Sexy Video = Success for Duran Duran!

2011-12-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

They've done it again! A Duran Duran video (the modelicious "Girl Panic") has been banned, which means eventual global domination. I couldn't be prouder of my boys! A little tear rolls down Dish's cheek, though this could be sleep deprivation and overwork. Is it Friday yet? Please, let the lambs stop screaming. If if they're screaming, let them scream "The Reflex" i.e. the happiest song on Earth.

I love it when celebs over-explain their rudeness and don't show remorse for the ill treatment of the little people. Alec Baldwin goes on an articulate tirade on Huffpo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alec-baldwin/american-airlines-service-_b_1135201.html, sticking his cankle further into buffalo poop by dissing Greyhound. I dig that flying sucks these days (though I love you, JetBlue and Air Canada--except when flying back to the States since you ALWAYS delay but you're so nice about it). Travel is stressful. Why can't every traveler just shut the f*ck up for a few hours until back on solid ground? Alec is a brilliant actor for all his anger tissues.

In love news, Survivor host Jeff Probst married Lisa Ann Russell. Congrats, you two!

Harry Morgan from MAS*H Dies...

2011-12-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

He coined the term, "holy horse puckies." I think anyway. This is sad, to be taken so young at 96. But seriously, a legend gone.

What's in the news: Alec Baldwin being angry again, this time at American Airlines for kicking him off for not turning off his phone and he was douchey about it. I love his talent and politics but as a person, so ick.

It's all depressing.

Star Sighting--Edie Falco!!!

2011-12-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

6pm, Greenwich St. in Tribeca: Dish was waiting for a screening when our favorite Nurse Jackie bounded by in hoodie, jeans, those bright blue eyes giving her away. She had an impish expression on her face, like, "Whatever this life is, I'm game." My feeling: Great talent sometimes comes in a little package and I could have easily thrown her over my shoulder to rescue her from a burning building. When is the next season of my favorite pill popper???

Rita Hayworth's grandson Andrew Embiricos, who lived very close to Dish, committed suicide. I hate this kind of news and he seemed a tortured soul. Rest in peace, sad boy.

Page Six can't get enough of the Bushnell/Askegard split. Now it alleges that Bushnell alleges that Askegard had an affair with ballerina Georgina Pazcoguin. This makes the divorce seem so mundane, doesn't it?

TG is watching Full Metal Jacket. I've already seen the hilariousness. Wonder what Matthew Modine is working on now. Is it as awesome as his role in Notting Hill? "Smile...in about 10 seconds, I'm going to ask you to marry me..."

Dish Finally Has Ugly Feet

2011-12-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

It's from all the running I've done of late. J.J. once saw a famous dancer's feet in the subway and he said they looked like penises sticking out of her shoes. Wear and tear. But who wants to talk about this?

Madonna is to perform at the Superbowl halftime show. They just keep bringing out the classics. At least we know she'll put on a good show. She demands nothing less than 110%. It would be very sexy if she came out in a football uniform then stripped down to a bikini in winter. This is the Madonna way.

E-hostess Giuliana Rancic announced that early treatments for her breast cancer were not so successful and she is undergoing a double mastectomy. This kind of in-the-thick-of-it revelation strikes me as brave and especially validating for those undergoing similar treatment. I'd be shivering under the covers. Best wishes that this surgery works. Giuliana needs a better year in 2012, STAT.

Dish's doppleganger Shaun White was caught bare-assed in racy photos. Do not pose nude if you're a celebrity. And especially not if you're a red-head and a celebrity. The jokes last forever.

Rosie O'Donnell is engaged but Karina Smirnoff is no longer. RHoBH Kim Richards has entered rehab. For what, Dish asks? I thought she was just a drunk, but on a recent episode she revealed she was a pill-popper. All those meds seemed valid to me. Trazodone, Lexipro and Topamax = depression, anxiety, seizure, those are the essentials. If sobriety means her no longer jerking and slurring and wearing those neck-hiding blouses with the 80s tie, I'm against it!

Big Divorce in the City

2011-12-04T07:56:00.001-08:00

This is another sign of the apocalypse, though not totally unexpected. Upon hearing about writer Candace Bushnell's marriage to ballet dancer Charles Askegard, I did a happy dance. When the unlikeliest people get hitched, it makes one feel that love can happen at any time anywhere with anyone. They had a great run and now they've parted ways in rousing pirouettes off stage left. A Dishfriend once saw them together at an event and he was quite the adoring husband and she loved it. RIP to their union. Her novels are like candy to me.

Have you been checking out the scandal over socialite/magazine goddess Devorah Rose getting dissed by Salman Rushdie? It seems very high school, especially since they didn't even boink. She's hurt by his nice-knowing-you-but-I-gotta-jet email, though didn't want to get in his pants anyway, and he's mortified to be associated with her in the first place and said so publicly and she gave a big interview about it in The Post and now it's The Diss that Won't Die. As Simon Le Bone so aptly sings in Arcadia's "Meet El Presidente" Hell hath no fury like a young girl's ego. I always agree with Simon.

It's a Wonderful Life

2011-12-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

Brooke Mueller arrested for cocaine possession. Herman Cain is kaput with the campaign. Dish is sick, watching an old classic and remembering meeting Jimmy Stewart.

Forgive the lack of rambling. Ginger Ale and vitamin c awaits.

Happy Birthday, Britney!

2011-12-02T12:51:00.001-08:00

You're really old when Britney Spears hits 30. I remember when she was a provocative teenager! She seems so Stepford now with her craggy old-as-hell BF and father conservatorship. I guess it's better than Batshit Britney.

Have you seen the pics of Daniel Day Lewis as Gaybraham Lincoln? I wonder if he'll be good since he tends to over-act. I've abandoned by child! I've abandoned my boy! Well, missy, why don't you stick a cork in it and brush that hair.

Of course, Taylor Armstrong doing a book. Couldn't you smell that coming? The trailer for next week's RHoBH make her look like a screaming banshee. Epic madness and I think she's just too nuts.

Dish is chilled to the bone and might have caught a bug. Hoping to spend the night under the covers.

A Little Gossip ...

2011-12-01T09:11:00.001-08:00

Finally, Dish and TG were in the Boston Globe. I would put the link but my husband likes to remain anonymous (i.e. not linked to this celebrity drivel) But if you Google Boston Globe and "Falling in love with the boy next door" ...you'll find us!

So the big ado is that singing superstar Adele only got 6 Grammy nominations. What a stinking whore of a singer she must be with only 6! Gaga got 3, which means her career is over. Still can't believe Kanye got nominated for anything other than being atonal, fashionable and angry ...

Here's why Mitt Romney and the Republicans are tools, preaching fear and loathing: http://technorati.com/politics/article/mitt-romney-signs-anti-gay-pledge/. So behind the times. I'm not interested in Obama but this leaves me with no choice, other than not voting.

Let's end on a happy note with The Promulgation of Julia. Click on this link to see her even lovelier than she's ever been. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/01/julia_n_1122836.html?ref=entertainment. I am not a lesbian.

World AIDS Day

2011-12-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

My friend Lawrence died of AIDS in 1994, when treatment was still fairly rudimentary. We were exercise friends and watching him weaken and die so quickly was heartbreaking. He was alone, still living in a mostly intolerant, frightened world that thought he deserved this illness. At his funeral, we released balloons and then partied--because he hated the idea of mourning over him. We sang this song, which he loved: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-7yjMLNops. This disease has caused many such stories. Here's hope that in another ten years, no one will die or be afflicted by it.

Prayers for the Health of King Funkalicious

2011-11-30T05:41:00.000-08:00

Dish follows many stars, and lately has become concerned over Chic god and Duran Duran savior (among many legendary projects) Nile Rodgers. He has an "aggressive cancer" which he details on http://nilerodgers.com/. Let's send good vibes out to the universe that he continues to rock into infinity and beyond. Love Nile! See the awesomeness for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsKPPL-j6kE.

There's always something new for the Kardashians: Kourtney is reproducing again. I've never watched the show, never intend to (sort of want to) but from trailers, she seems like the least offensive. Am I wrong?

Just saw that Gale Harold will get back to sexing up the place on The Secret Circle, which is when I'll start watching again. But I'll try to substitute Justin instead of the girl he's supposed to bed. Will I ever get over Queer As Folk?

Stalin's daughter died. RIP?

Mindy McCready and son reported missing in Florida but she says they're fine. National Enquirer alleges she's 5 months preggo with twins. Wouldn't it be great if she gave birth to baby kittens? That would up the drama.

Phase 1: Steal Underpants

2011-11-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

If anyone knows where this headline comes from (and you're not TG), you win an autographed dish from Dish!

Daniel Craig allegedly called the Kardashians "f*cking idiots" in January's issue of GQ. This James Bond rules. Waiting patiently for him to send Rachel 'round for tea and girl-talk on newlywed bliss, my treat. Ever since The Constant Gardener, I've imagined we're best friends.

Marie Osmond has had some scary facial work done. I love my Marie. She's a faintin' Jenny Craigin' re-marryin'-first-husband Mormon masterpiece goddess. She had me at "Which Way You Goin', Billy" way back in the 70s. I even had the doll with the leafy purple dress. But I hate it when my icons' faces are smoother than mine.

Quickies that are so disturbing I can't delve too deep: Conrad Murray sentenced to four years which is not a lot, the Norway massacre-er deemed insane like what was your first clue, Alexis from RHoOC got a nose job and looks just like everyone else thank jebus, Britney Spears is reading a book and it's a funny thing that deals with things about love, Herman Cain rethinking his campaign after another woman comes forward about wayward wang tendencies--which makes the Republicans an even more fun bunch, Miranda Kerr on Dish-Sh*t-List for ALSO claiming she was ugly growing up. Boo!

RIP, Patrice O'Neal, leaving this earth too soon at 41.

A Good Day for Preggos, Stoners and Fiancees!

2011-11-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

First the good news: Anne Hathaway got engaged to some guy after three years of dating. Remember her awful swindling ex who might still be in jail? It takes a while to get over that. Maggie Gyllenhaal is knocked up big-time, like about six months gone. Cheers to her and Peter Skarsgaard. Oh wait. Not sure that's his last name but we all know who we're talking about.

I'll address the elephant in the room. Eva Mendes + Ryan Gosling canoodling all over Paris. What the hell? Maybe it's just nookie because I just don't feel the love here. Eva needs older businessman whereas Ryan, well, I want him back with Sandy Bullock. Hot stuff!

Spiderman's Tobey Maguire aka Squeaky McGee is paying up in the poker suit. Whatever that means! Dish doesn't understand the obsession with this game. It's a lose lose. Look what it did to Omar Shariff in Funny Girl.

Miley Cyrus admitted she's a stoner. Dude!

The Post's Andrea Peyser wrote a blood-boiling piece about Natalie Wood: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/starlight_blinded_justice_MnE19Wywfd6GrilUR4LopJ. I don't always agree with Peyser but this time, I'm right behind her. Free Natalie's spirit!

Waiting for The Fame...

2011-11-27T18:17:00.000-08:00

Dish and TG have two big press items about to appear. An article in a big newspaper and our appearance on a talk show. For now, we have to make do with being one of the Little People. C'mon, guys. We need to be out there. We're open to reality show offers. It will help finance our chicken/coffee farm overseas.

The news today is for the birds: Jen Aniston and Brad almost ran into each other at a movie theater. Sounds like a pile of BS to me. I'm sure these two pay people a lot of money not to casually run into each other. Charlize Theron was teased in high school. I'm putting a moratorium on beautiful actresses/models claiming they were hideous in childhood and bullied. There are pics everywhere of topless Michael Lohan in his hospital bed. He's having trouble speaking and breathing! If I were really sick, the first thing I'd do is get my pecs in the tabs.

We bagged The Artist as we were too lazy to go all the way to the Angelika. Caught up on our Andersons.

Star Sighting--Wallace Shawn!!!

2011-11-26T10:43:00.000-08:00

12:15pm, suspiciously close to Barney's Co-op. I was so starstruck I had to look away. People reference him from The Princess Bride, but Dish never saw it. Every ex of mine had it in his collection. With each beau, I'd see The Princess Bride and think, Not this again. My recent-ish fave: Vanya on 42nd Street.

So, photos surfaced of J.Lo cuddling with a much younger, far less accomplished back-up dancer. Madonna-Britney much? Then again, Marilyn falls for youngster Colin in My Week with Marilyn, which I just saw. It's above average movie-wise and Michelle Williams is stunning as Marilyn, aka the hardest role in the world to play. For a few seconds, I forgot that it wasn't Marilyn, especially from the side. Kenneth Branagh and Judy Dench remain brilliant.

The trailer for War Horse made me giggle. Dishbrother was touched by the play, but the overly-sentimental Spielbergesque trailer induced laughter. I expected the boy and the horse to make out.

This is what we're seeing tomorrow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDY8dfwGQNU&feature=fvst. Jean Dujardin's time has come. He is what happens when Gene Kelly and Sacha Baron Cohen have sex. TG turned me on to Jean at the beginning of our courtship: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYxPpx1yCY4.

Kim does not look good crying...

2011-11-25T10:38:00.000-08:00

Not many celebs do, except for Demi Moore, Julia Roberts, Keanu Reeves, Harrison Ford, and Barbra Streisand. Watch here the raw emotion Kim expresses over her changed feelings for her husband: http://www.eonline.com/videos/kourtney-and-kim-take-new-york-season-4/174759. I have too many TV commitments on Sunday to watch. But I probably will. Not.

Michael Lohan was rushed to the hospital to have emergency heart surgery. Just when you think he got off scot free. A bad ticker is a great equalizer especially if you're violent and awful. Cheers to his health.

Piers Morgan's wife gave birth to a girl named Elise. I was horrified to see that Piers is close to my age, which means I better kick some ass to be as accomplished as he is. Damn!

Another movie is causing convulsions! Breaking Dawn's birth scene is said to make you sick. Maybe because it hurts like hell to give birth?

Dish's new 2012 Duran Duran calendar is here. First off, Dr. Nick Rhodes is wearing a cross broach. Has he found Jesus? If so, why not make the leap to quitting smoking and exercising? Dish doesn't keep up, maybe he's done both. I worry about his health more than the others. Don't know why.

Selena Gomez's mother is preggo. Is she as old as Piers?

Everyone Is Eating...

2011-11-24T18:54:00.000-08:00

...and no one is being a crazy trainwreck. Dish and Chandler Bing share very similar feelings re: Thanksgiving, though today, on this day of delicious turkey slaughter when I mostly care about the stuffing, I feel lucky for having such a wonderful family, especially the Dishmama who cooked us a fabulous meal. She is a goddess.

Dish Is Thankful...

2011-11-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

*for amazing powers of prediction with the marriages of Kim Kardashian, J.Lo, Demi & Ashton, Christopher Knight, Olivia Wilde and the frequent jailings in the Lohan family.

*that J.R. Martinez won Dancing with the Stars, though I knew he would from Day #1. I'm thankful not because of his service to our country, but his service to All My Children, which went off the air, for which I'm *not* thankful. The last show was an epic WTF.

*that there's a light at the end of the dark Julia tunnel that was Larry Crowne.

*that Gale Harold is employed on The Secret Circle, though the show doesn't compel me.

*that I have such a wonderful husband who married me on 1/16/11 and I'm thankful I didn't faint at the altar and only needed 1/2 of 1/2 of a tranquilizer.

*that I got to hug Anderson Cooper this year.

*that with minimal effort, I can bring back a flat stomach.

*for Born to Run by Christopher MacDougall.

*that Hillary Clinton isn't vilified as much and she's being recognized.

*for my Tom Ford glasses. Not sure if they'll be cool in six months.

*for the extra space in my accidental purchase of men's jeans a size too big.

*for my family, friends, and health.

Vavavavoom!

Oh What a Night!

2011-11-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

It's official: Dish's previous life occurred sometimes during the peak of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons (must be before 7/15/68). I know this because the instant the music started, sweet tears gathered in my eyes. I thought I would die if I had to stay in my seat and not dance and sing. Well, I had to stay in my seat because I was crushed against a fleet of conservative Christians (southern accents, I'm thinking Texas due to hair). They tsked every time a Jersey boy dropped an F bomb, which was often. The tsk-ing row behind me left after twenty minutes. What did they think they were seeing? Jersey Boys was enjoyable, especially since it played my wedding dance song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HJ7w9MTCqs) and my favorite song of all time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4Y9JwY8pEk. Fret not: Duran Duran's Girls on Film is #2.

Speaking of Jersey, Bruce Springsteen has a new tour, new album. That piercing siren you hear in upper Manhattan is J.J. squealing with delight.

Angelina Jolie is getting so much flack for being skeletal. I say hurray! If you can live on 600 calories a day, you're my hero. I tried it when I was 15 but almost fainted. Granted, a skinny Jolie is not so jolie but it's all for art, right, Ange? The experts are telling her to eat salmon, fresh veggies, freaking edamame, leans meats and 5 raw almonds per day. Screw that!!! Diet Coke, water vapors and protein shakes all the way!

Tuesday's Highlights...

2011-11-21T10:28:00.000-08:00

I did not watch the AMAs. Too many morons giving speeches. Taylor Swift won the big one.

Seattle Mariners Greg Halman stabbed to death by his brother. Nice! This is why Dish is not a fan of Thanksgiving. Bad things happen. What about the arrest of the "lone wolf" bomb suspect? Crisis. Must eat brownies.

Rehabbers: Ex-fiancee of Michael Lohan--who beat the crap out of her b/c he was probably wasted too--and tabloid maven Kate Major checked herself in. And bruiser Michael Lohan also checked himself in but it was court ordered. Losers.

The Bachelorette's Ali and Roberto have split. Did Dish call this or what? I didn't even watch the show, my skills of celebrity deduction are *that* good.

Justin Bieber took the DNA test. Dish is taking herself out on a date tomorrow night to Jersey Boys. Cannot wait.

Julia Doesn't Go Full-British, Thank Zeus!

2011-11-20T13:12:00.000-08:00

Nervous breakdown averted. At the bar last night, Dishbrother broke the news that Julia sports a British accent in Mirror, Mirror. After Mary Reilly, the idea gave me the shakes. I needed a Chivas, pronto! Then I saw this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpLVO396eHs. It's not British--or at least it starts out British then goes back to clipped American. Phew...She'll be perfect as always. Crisis no longer. We don't like the accents, Jules. And what did I say about Armie Hammer becoming a star? Here's proof. His voice is much like that of Brendan Fraser (where is he?).

Bee Gee Robin Gibb is suffering from liver cancer. He and Barry are the last Gibbs left. Hold on, fella! We like our music icons healthy and amongst us.

Desperate Housewives tonight. Here's what will happen: the girls agonize about the murder. Jonathan Cake torments Bree. Wasted because she's back to guzzling her Pinot like most Housewives, real or otherwise, Bree rallies the girls to continue charade. Vanessa Williams is slutty and sassy. Gabby has to break Carlos out of rehab because of some lame crisis. Tom starts to miss Felicity. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'll be watching Dexter instead (but will catch up via Hulu).

J. Edgar...

2011-11-19T19:23:00.000-08:00

...could have been 45 minutes shorter. It's ponderous, acty and pacing-challenged. The content intrigued me but I wanted it to be over after the first half-hour. For me, Naomi Watts and Armie Hammer stole the film right out from under DiCaprio. I want Leo to succeed, I really do. He works very hard in this movie and it shows. He's like an angry little baby bulldog fighting for America. I'm not sure what I would have done differently. It just sounded like two hours of nagging and speechifying. There were many compelling moments. Watts just inhabited her part, as did Hammer who made me believe that he came of age in the 1930s and not the 2000s.

I could never watch it again, I'm a little over Eastwood's gloomy hues--adore him much more as an actor--though I will predict that Hammer will be a huge star and Leo will find the perfect part someday. Naomi had me at the film about cholera.

Do You Think Natalie Wood Slipped and Fell?

2011-11-18T05:38:00.001-08:00

Her death has plagued me for thirty years though I hate to think that Robert Wagner had anything to do with it. I mean, he was 1/2 responsible for this masterpiece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBzcrAcOBHI. Dish thinks this was a drunken brawl gone bad and swept under the carpet. The sheriff said there were several sources with new information. Maybe TG and I should take our iPads to the boat and do some ghost-tracking ourselves. At the very least, I'll rewatch West Side Story, Splendour in the Grass and Rebel Without a Cause and honor the goddess that was Natalie. I'll cast Christina Ricci or Mila Kunis in the movie of her life.

The rumor is that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage and she was into women also. Also threesomes. And orgies while bathing in Philly cheese steaks. Please. Tell me she stuck Buzz Lightyear up his rectum and then I'll be impressed.

Here's the whitest/sickest thing I've ever seen. Scientology needs to get with the times. Their new rap song is beyond dated and Wonder Bread lame. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_K_QLUWM3X4. Diversity should be celebrated in all cults.

Paging Dr. Nick Rhodes

2011-11-17T09:32:00.000-08:00

Oh. Not that kind of doctor, eh? Whatever! The University of Bedfordshire has upgraded Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes's title with an honorary doctorate. He is easily due for a degree as his deft use of the English language and fabulous spin have done the band proud for 30+ years. Even more admirable is his devotion/contribution to the art world. Dish is holding up her copy of Interference and yelling to Occupy Wall Street Protesters who are so close,"All hail Dr. Rhodes!"

Some incriminating texts have surfaced where Maria Yeater asks a friend to erase texts referring to her baby's real father (who is not Justin Bieber). JACKASS! If you're going to be a gold-digging liar, at least be smart about it. Dr. Rhodes would no doubt suggest a trip to the Whitney as repentance.

Thank goodness for attention-getters and social media addicts because when you're feeling blue, you feel compelled to share with the world. Medics can be at your house within seconds of your suicidal postings. Kim K's former PR person who went on record calling her marriage a sham got the gag order from Kim's lawyers and then had a mournful, self-flagellating hissy. He's getting medical attention, Thank Jesus. Dr. Rhodes would find such public suffering wasteful of a person's shining potential.

JJ just texted Dish: What do we need? A cure for turrets. When do we need it? C*nt! Dr. Rhodes would never use this vocabulary. He would gel with J.J. like cats in a bag.

Almost forgot: Demi is divorcing Ashton. I'm sure it's irreconcilable differences and they'll remain best friends.

Really, People Magazine?

2011-11-16T05:56:00.001-08:00

Bradley Cooper is People's Sexiest Man Alive. They get it wrong every year (except for Mark Harmon and JFK jr) but at least it's someone who's reached his prime within a couple years of this issue--and not 10 years prior. I see his eyes and think Serial Killer Who Must Kill Cat Downstairs. Well, he speaks better French than I do and that makes me mad.

I'm starting a new franchise: Hottest Person Who's Six Feet Under. This year, my vote is for Copernicus because he said Earth revolved around the sun, which is HOT.

Alleged With-Bieber-out-of-wedlock-procreator Maria Yeater dropped her paternity suit against the little tyke. Maybe she found a better babydaddy. Like Jesus?

I've relearned a lesson thanks to the most recent Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Women who starve themselves are more likely to have a crazy meltdown. Witness Taylor going off on the Vanderpump. A normal person with normal blood sugar would accept an apology and explanation and move on. This was truly the precipice of hell itself and, gosh, I hope she's doing better now. I like Taylor, weird party for her child and all.

This pains me: The Iron Lady trailer looks positively wretched. I love Meryl to pieces, but this is a stinker. Or at least the trailer captures the corniest moments with Meryl needing to scale back. Not the Iron Lady but Julia Child--UK! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDiCFY2zsfc.

Another Reason I Should Have Been a Kardashian...

2011-11-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

...if I'd gotten a 90K Range Rover at a young age, I might not have confused our family's Volvo with the female vulva. I learned both words around the same time and I can't hear one without the other--those dirty, dirty Swedes. Then again, the Saturn Spenis is suggestive.

You need to live on more than Melrose Place. Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner called off their engagement. I'm devastated except maybe Hez can set her cap for Kris Humphries, up her profile. Do Not Return to David Spade. Unless he's nice.

I saw my first lesbian KY commercial. PROGRESS!

The police/the mayor evicted the OWS protesters and hosed down Zucotti (?) Park. I just pray the protesters don't get near my daily environs. I believe in the cause but not really this particular physical protest itself.

I didn't think it was possible but The A List: Dallas contains more vile morons than New York. The cast is incredibly affected, playing diva-moviestars and it's a given that everyone is a lush. And the drama: OMG, he pushed me in a pool. OMG, he's drunk. OMG, how will I throw this party when I'm so drunk? I can't come to your party because I have business. Eyerolls. A loser-fest. I thought it might be interesting to give gay Christian Republicans a voice on TV but they are as awful as the liberal Dems. It's the poorest, most insulting representation of the gay community that I've ever seen--aside from the usual cliches. The Real L Word was more interesting with some complex people and relationships.

Hasselbeck vs. Maher on The View. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kBHy2HiWjc. Good for her for having the confidence to pick a fight with someone who's way smarter than she is. She needs a martini and a Xanax.

Sweet Forty-Three

2011-11-14T16:36:00.000-08:00

I have so little to report. I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm trying not to watch TV. Cheated a little with Dexter, but that's like literary, right? Back to reading, and I tend to read three books at a time. Right now it's women's fiction's Rachel Gibson Not Another Bad Date (fun!), Tony Robbins's Unlimited Power (two typos within first twenty pages but I want to see what fuss is about) and Zola's L'Assommoir (dark as f*ck but love the downward spiral).

In Starland, Brad Pitt announced that he'll quit acting in three years. THANK GOD! No seriously. He should never make those Cher/Barbra/Barry-esque comments. Loved him in Moneyball! Needs to get Oscar before he quits. Kim K is hostessing New Year's Eve in Vegas. I'm so glad she's picked herself up after the divorce stuff. Her sister Kendall got a 90K Range Rover for her sweet 16. I got a turquoise necklace!!! What gives, Dishmama? Oh wait...I just had a wedding...

Star Sighting--Rebecca Romijn

2011-11-13T11:41:00.001-08:00

1pm, 18th and 7th: Gym-bound Dish spotted a tall gorgeous blonde walking with a little girl. The woman wore sunglasses but the face was unmistakable, especially when she smiled at her little girl and said, "Okay, you can keep your eyes closed, but you have to hold my hand." So funny because I say that to TG all the time.

Wow, just read this cheating exposay by Kat Von D. http://on.fb.me/tTFBAP. Felt so sad last year when I read she'd started dating Jesse James but thought eventually she'd find her way. A talented and unique individual, she will always land on her feet. I don't recommend trashing an ex on the internets, though this must have felt REAL good. Go, KVD!

Justin Timberlake did attend that Marine Corps Ball with that soldier, after all! Wish Youtube had existed in the 80s. I would have asked Duran Duran to prom!!!

Between you and me, I was friends with Frank Miller a few years ago. We had a blast. The only way friendship could happen was that I met him before I knew who he was. So, no hyperventilating and overly-eager questions about his marvelous life. To me, he was just a chatty geezer with old-fashioned charm and values. We talked about movies, politics, celebrities. Now I read this polarizing tidbit about his views about Occupy Wall Street. I can't say it surprises me. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/13/frank-miller-occupy-wall-street_n_1090790.html?ref=entertainment. I don't totally agree with him, but I still consider him a friend and great conversationalist.

Can you hear my screeching laughter? Fox's Torquemada Bill O'Reilly wrote a book about Abe Lincoln and made several factual errors. What an idiot! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/13/bill-oreilly-killing-lincoln-errors_n_1091168.html?ref=homepage. A bully, bad to women, not a scholar. Where's the trapdoor, America?

Dieting Tip from Victoria's Secret Model

2011-11-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure this is true. Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima explained her pre-show crash diet. For nine days before a show, she has an all-protein shake liquid diet. I've heard liquid diets make you ill. But then, how do babies do it? Mothers tell me diaper changing only gets nasty when solids are involved. So maybe Adriana Lima's doody is much more manageable. It all comes down to sh*t. I'm very sleep deprived.

Best news ever: Rookie catcher for the Washington Nationals Wilson Ramos was rescued in Venezuela. Thank Cher he's back! I imagine he'll need a lot of TLC before he gets back to training. Welcome back!

Kinda funny, Liam Neeson being funny while serious. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/11/ricky-gervais-and-liam-ne_n_1089087.html.

J.Lo allegedly dating a back-up dancer. Why, girl? Been there, married that (though second hubby did seem like a sweetheart). Maybe, like Madonna, men are intimidated by her. Today was J.Lo movie day on some channel but I couldn't bring myself to watch Monster-in-Law. The Wedding Planner is no longer watchable. Offended by McConaughey's strange hair. We watched Shallow Hal. It was terrible!

Did You Get Your 11-11-11 On?

2011-11-11T08:08:00.000-08:00

It was okay, this day, wasn't it? I mean Kim Zolciak from Atlanta Housewives got hitched. Everyone and their mother had the same 11-11-11 status update. Demi Moore turned 49 and is better than ever (though too skinny!). Kris Humphries has lawyered up to face the truth and dodge a massive bullet. Charmed witch Holly Marie Combs filed for divorce herself.

Dish tried to watch Boss but it looked bad. I'm not sure Kelsey Grammer can really act. Only got through two minutes. Did catch up on my Glees and see what Hershey was so a-twitter about. Agree now that Darren Criss is a god. My favorite moment was seeing the Warblers singing "Uptown Girl": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSDqzbN2-zo. Reminds me to get a ticket to "Jersey Boys." Here's another one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB1cx16TEfk&feature=related.

Beyond exhausted. As we were watching Law & Order, TG informed me that he met Jerry Orbach and Benjamin Bratt--that Bratt was especially nice. The two stars were so enthralled with TG that they invited him back "to the trailer for coffee." Probably a huge lie but you gotta give TG props for trying.

The Host with The Most Is Back...

2011-11-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, you can all breathe a sigh of relief. The ~~paler than Dish~~ host you want has materialized, just in time to retrieve the wreckage from the bottom of the barrel. ~~Richard Simmons's~~ Billy Crystal's mighty pecs quiver with manliness as he stares down at the pitiful, unfunny, waste of time the Oscars have been in recent years with much funnier yet less-magic-touch-possessing hosts. BC nestles the limp phallus that was the mighty Oscars in his loving, ripped arms. Will Oscar live again? (wish Ricky could have done 2 shows...)

Just caught up on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Did Kelsey Grammer *really* cross-dress? No biggie, I mean, I learned on Divorce Court that this *is* a hetero thing. No judgment here just gossipy. Many pot-shots taken on his masculinity this season. Don't blame the wives one bit. Imagining him in red satin teddy.

Dominating the news is the fired Penn State football coach and ongoing rape cover-up. Nothing beats the vileness of the abuse itself but outraged crowds supporting those who covered it up belong in landfill.

Dish being very castrating.

Oscar Hissies

2011-11-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

The big news is that Brett Ratner resigned/was fired from producing the Oscars after many offensive comments. Was it the fag remark rather than his usual--often violent--misogyny that did him in? He always struck me as a Gigantic Tool, but the world is so politically correct. No one can say anything. Worst of all, Eddie is gone, too! He would have been an interesting host. Make no mistake, I find Ratner to be a vile creature but I still hate that this happened.

Herman Cain: More sexual harassment charges. He says he'd take a lie detector test. Oh really? Speaking of pizza, Mariah has lost her baby weight. Wonder when it'll come back on because she yoyos--which I'm all for because that's reality. I'm told Glee was positively gorgeous last night. Was sex and Darren Criss involved?

Dish is going to read Sartre's Les Mots, about some chick who becomes crazy when she hangs out with someone crazy. I will read in the original French because It's French Existentialist Wednesday!

I'm Gonna Make This Quick...

2011-11-08T05:41:00.001-08:00

...because I am Ryan Seacrest this week, as in the hardest working man in show business. We'll tawk when Friday clears and I'm getting used to knitting mohair with toddler sized needles.

Very sad: Joe Frazier died. May he rest in peace and I hope his family is hanging in there. Liver cancer sucks!

Vienna and Kasey from Bachelor Pad might have broken up. I didn't see that coming. I mean, two unappealing reality stars deciding to part ways--it hurts right here.

I wouldn't be a good Duran Duran fan~~atic~~ if I didn't show their recent movie/music video for "Girl Panic" where they do what they do best: worship models. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSMbOuNBV0s&feature=feedu. It's very glitzy and suggestive, but I've grown weary of the models in leather panties. Expected more and, please don't hate me. We've been getting the babes with the long legs and champagne since 1983. The good: Naomi Campbell excels as Simon Le Bon. Cindy Crawford reeks of iconic beauty and sex. Yasmin and Eva, awesome! When it comes to DD, I can't be a Yes Man. On second look realized: It's beautifully shot, but the editing makes it hard to watch. Doesn't make good enough use of the glamorous forty-something people. Before you have time to register an image, it cuts away, which did cause me to panic (same as with the second Jason Bourne movie). I could re-edit it on my iPad2. I know exactly how to fix this stinker. Did I mention that I say this with the deepest love?

Conrad Murray Is Guilty

2011-11-07T10:11:00.001-08:00

This verdict wasn't rocket science. Dishfamilymember says propofol is awesome. Not to be used at home. Not to administer and then you leave the room. My melancholy over the verdict exists because this case had so many layers. Michael Jackson was abused/abused himself for decades and now only one person is going to jail. There are many other guilty parties. As in Thackeray's Vanity Fair, there are no heroes here.

Allegedy: Matthew Fox is suing the Cleveland woman who said he punched her in the vadge when she wouldn't let him get on her party bus. That's a country song! Justin Bieber will submit to DNA test to prove he's not the babydaddy and then he's gonna sue the nonbabymama. Herman Cain has a fourth woman, beckybeckybeckystan (I don't know the name, do you?), coming forward to say he did some sexual harassing. Is his campaign over?

Taking the high road: The Kardashians loved the SNL spoof on Kim's marriage. I love that.

Lindsay Lohan served 4.5 hours in jail. Lame! Back to the clubs.