If You Only Knew the Trash I Was Reading...

No, not Fifty Shades (zzzz), but Heaven and Mel by Joe Ezsterhas (who penned Basic Instinct), the story of how Mel and Joe were supposed to collaborate on The Maccabees until Mel showed his crazy side (which we've all heard). The book is nicely written in some areas, poorly in others, especially toward the end. I got the feeling he rushed this off, got a proofreader to catch typos and slapped it onto CreateSpace. But it's got good dirt and Dish loves the crazy celebs!
 
Speaking of, Catherine Zeta Jones went back into treatment for her bipolar II, which sounds fairly sane to me. I applaud her for knowing what she needs and getting help. We've never seen her throw a hissy. In fact, can I go, too, to this civilized place? I don't think I need treatment maybe a little but I can make it fun for other celebrities. I'll read tarot cards, conduct knitting classes and facilitate karaoke.

Bruce Jenner was topless in Greece. I saw the pictures. And now I can't sleep.

That is all.

Jason Collins Is My Hero!

I troll the web for Blind Items and found one a few weeks ago that said a pro athlete would be coming out of the closet soon. I prayed that it might be Derek Jeter or the Tebow guy since that would shock our shorts off. I was so happy that ANY male athlete would come out so powerfully. Jason Collins of the Washington Wizards has giant, hairy balls and I hope he feels this rush of global love and support.

Some things I'd like to get off my chest:

Really, The Good Wife? Why do you try to create chemistry between Alicia and Will when Chris Noth is so much hotter? I'm sorry, but Juliana and Chris together make fire.Will is far too vanilla.

Teen Mom Farrah Abraham has sold her sex tape, Backdoor Teen Mom. This is a shining moment for a mother. I've never been prouder of my baby girl.

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. I don't blame him one bit. She is a goddess. I know I might be assassinated for this, but I never got why he's so desirable. Do you? I was born without the Johnny Depp Lust gene. I am a mutant.

I Might Be Back From My Hiatus

I'm dipping back into the land of celebrities and, let me say, I'm not impressed. Sure, Michael Jordan getting married is great, but it's not exciting to me when an athlete marries a model. They need love, too, so I hope they experience great joy. Maybe I do care a little.

Stephen Colbert is a genius here and here -- mostly everywhere.

Clint Eastwood and his wife might be having marital troubles. I would think talking to an empty chair in front of the world might stir a pot of crazy in a relationship. I keep thinking what I would do if TG did this. I'd be embarrassed, perhaps searching for some medical ailment (old age). Clint is just dotty, like DishCat, who now meows to himself behind the couch, a sign of senility and kitty constipation. This all gives me a little PTSD. In any case, Mrs. Eastwood--allegedly--has checked herself into rehab for anxiety and depression, which sounds perfectly understandable to me. LeAnn Rimes did rehab for Twitter anxiety. I need rehab too for my issues, which include 1. No upper body strength 2. Insomnia 3. I like to lie on my couch and watch TV for days 4. I impulse purchase makeup 90% of the time I walk into a Duane Reade 5. I'm turning into a strange middle-aged woman. Sometimes, I don't recognize myself. 6. I purposely don't fill up the water jug because I know it irritates TG and I like it when he yells at me for it. He makes a big deal out of how it dries up the Brita filter. I need help!

News of Famous for Being Famous:

1. Kimberly Stewart (daughter of Rod and Benicio Del Toro one-night stand babymama) might be boinking Harry Styles, which must piss off Taylor Swift! It's really, really upsetting to me that Kimberly is seen as a cougar (at 34), but she kinda is since Harry is barely legal. Just by being born into a certain family, she has had such good romantic opportunities.
2. Kim Kardashian's pregnancy: These last several months, she hasn't seemed happy, not like she was with Kris Humphries. Some people don't like being preggo and I think the whole Kanye relationship is BS. Must be hard for her.

The White House Correspondents dinner was pretty funny. Conan and Obama need to put out an album.

My Book...

...is done. But now I have another conference to attend.

April is kicking my ass. I am kicking it right back.

(Can you believe Half Pint married the Gingie on Thirtysomething?)

One Chapter Left...

...and my book is done.

And back to celebrities -- full-time.

Goodbye, Chrissy Amphlett

This song was very empowering to me when it first came out, not because of the sexy lyrics so much as it captured a ballsyness I needed in 1991.

So sad to lose this divine singer.

Reese and Her Husband Arrested...

for Disorderly Conduct and DUI respectively? WTF? I thought they were perfect. Though between you and me, I can see her throwing a huge hissy with the cops: "Do you know who I am, Officer?" "You're going to wish you hadn't done this." "I'm going to have you freaking fired with one phone call." "We were profiled."

Dish Deep Thoughts.

I am on the road. My journey was delayed by Boston events and it was difficult to think of anything else. Now I see the last one was captured. I'm in adrenaline mode, thinking affectionately of Boston even though I never want the Red Sox to win. No celebrity thoughts for me aside from the home of Matt and Ben.

But I did stop to learn that the Kardashian-Humphries will finally end.

NYC loves Boston

...and so does Dish (I wrote Dosh). My best wishes to everyone there. I kept meaning to spew some garbage and now this horror happens. I got caught up in the reporting, going from Wolf Blitzer (lots of repetition and supposition at CNN) to Dianne Sawyer (I used to love her but she sounds sappy and intoxicated) to Brian Williams (love his daughter in Girls) to Anderson Cooper (love!) to Piers Morgan (dear bloody god, does he ask the stupidest questions or what). Had to stop.

Before this, I learned that Jane Seymour kicked her hubby to the curb. I keep meaning to buy her open heart necklace via Koors or DeBats or something but forget.Then Shannon and Ozzie might have separated but turns out she left because he fell off the wagon--and probably concussed himself. If you haven't had enough, a crazy woman threw a pube-filled razor at Hugh Jackman and said she was going to marry him (allegedly). Note to all crazy women: these tactics never work. Trust me!!!

I've decided a few things since I'm under a tight deadline to finish this book:

1. I am allowed to eat a candy bar every day.
2. When I see a Duane Reade, I can go in and buy myself a new eyeshadow.
3. I will wear my pajamas as much as possible.
4. Staying up until 2am is permitted.
5. Use of tranquilizers and sleeping aids over the next two weeks is understandable.
6. I will make a list of things I can do when I'm done: a. get a massage. b. get a foot massage. c. buy an elephant puzzle. d. see Jersey Boys for the 10th time. e. catch up 3 months of New Yorkers.

Dish Is Cracking Under the Pressure

The Universe is a jokester. This is the busiest month for me. I am finishing my book. I have two conferences to attend. Six books to edit. Normal daily stuff. Then a seventh book to edit. Now this week, sinus issues thanks to the weather. So in between hyperventilating, I'm getting monster headaches from the computer and the shifting barometric pressure. I keep saying to myself, "You call this a storm?" from Forrest Gump and also a loud, "F*ck you!" I just have to hang in there. Right now, I just want to cry. I can do that now because it's Friday.

These are the problems of a privileged girl. I am blessed to have this pressure. Except for the sinus problems. They SUCK.

Will take a break and watch Hannibal and breathe steam.

Chapter 13

I'm at the part of the Dish-story where I recount the day I went to meet TG at the aiport after not seeing him for 26 years. This is the movie I chose to watch right before. Not the best flick in the world, but Dish was a blubbering mess--in a good way.

I'm so zonked. Poor TG has been neglected. The stars are inconsolable.

We loved Dancing with the Stars--Both TG and I shed tears over Andy Dick's performance.

Eagerly awaiting when Chapter 17 is done. What a journey. And now I'm going to breathe into a paper bag.

So sad...

Rest in Peace, Annette Funicello.  We will miss her.

Sunday Recap

Must conserve eyes. here are the deets.

Mad Men starts tonight. not sure I can watch since TG loves Celebrity Apprentice (Gary Busey).

Halle Berry is preggo, which means I have to knock myself up, fast. Though my work schedule for the next three weeks is not ideal.

Phaedra is talking about liking to look at oversized penises on RHofAtlanta.

Enjoying Hannibal but the Danish actor, who is one of my faves, needs subtitles. poor Hugh Dancy has to play such a sad character, one who might meld nicely with Carrie from Homeland.

Have just discovered Girls and the genius of Lena Dunham. Though season 2 is sukking so far.

My Eyes Hurt

Done with eleven chapters. Six more to go, plus revising. Dish is tired already! 4K words times 17 = 68K words. Okay, that's not a lot. Some of the chapters are longer. During breaks, I trolled for dirt:

Richie Sambora seems to have bailed on the Bon Jovi tour. It reminds me of the pain I suffered when both Andy and Roger left Duran Duran. My tears filled the river Thames. Roger came back, and now I've developed affection for Dom Brown as their guitarist. Hope Richie and Jon can get back together.

Real Housewives a-Go Go:

Found Part 2 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale anti-climactic inspiring. Just seeing everyone get along made me happy Where the f*ck was all the fighting?. As usual, Brandi is a truth-teller. As much as Kyle and Kim protested, I sort of agree that Kyle didn't know what to do with a sober Kim this season. This happened to me once. Someone I loved went sober. I was so ecstatic, overjoyed ... but then uneasy. I didn't know how to deal with this person sober, not needing me around. Consciously, you want that person to get better, but it disrupts your role as the one who keeps trying to get that person help. I think Brandi was right, but wasn't sure why she was right. Kim and Kyle, I'm sure, love each other deeply.

Real Housewives of Orange County: Everyone's talking about Vicki's new face. I got a new dress. Alexis's husband used the word "anti-thesis" which made me see how educational the show really is. Tamra and Gretchen are so close, they should do porn together. Brianna had a baby but that's secondary to the fact that Vicki is a grandmother. Everyone is wearing scary dark eyeshadow.