I Ate 1/2 Bag of M&Ms--Who Does That?

I blame it on the humidity! Dish tends to drop poundage in the warmer months due to wanting to display the best ghostly bikini body possible. The latest US Weekly is full of bikinis and ripped abs. My award for scariest bikini bod goes to Leeann Rimes, who appears positively skeletal in her recent beach photo ops.

Promos for True Blood keep surfacing and I gave up on the show last season. All they did was glare and look sweaty. No one except for the gay cook interested me, though Dishcolleague's love for Alex Skarsbar and the bearded werewolf make me want to see what the fuss is about. My favorite castmember, Jessica Tuck as Vampire Nan, hasn't gotten enough airtime, but I read she'll be on a lot more this coming season. Now that would make me watch...

On an unrelated topic, is anyone watching The Real L Word, which premieres this Sunday? Yeah, me neither.

In the vein of sexuality issues, Dish finally watched Becoming Chaz. Since I grew up watching Chastity Bono in the arms of her AWESOME parents ON TV (How many of you wore a towel on your head to mimic Cher? Yeah, me neither), I resented her whining about not feeling good about herself. With the announcement of her changing genders, I thought, Gosh, another thing for this poor-offspring-of-celebrities to be miserable about in public. This documentary put her struggle into more perspective for me. I can't imagine the pain of living in the wrong body and hope Chaz is finally happy. Her girlfriend was very entertaining, kind of like Chaz's mother....

We're all just a big wonderful mess, aren't we?

Tuesday Tarot: Watch Your Sweet Mouth!

Page of Swords (Reversed): Gossip can be invigorating and bonding--or it can be like herpes. Today, it is the latter. Today, try to restrain yourself from excessive confidences or chattiness. You might say the wrong thing to the biggest chatterbox who will then tell your secret over a loudspeaker--just as Usher did in the movie She's All That. By the same token, if you encounter a gossip gremlin, spray yourself with cosmic fairy dust for protection, smile, and back away slowly.

Just for today, let's all just be nice. Celebrate later with a G&T--or a delicious Red Bull if you're under 21.

Happy Memorial Day!

Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight have split after five years of marriage. Where was Dish five years ago? Watching them plan their wedding on My Fair Brady and feeling that it would crash and burn due to Christopher's virulent narcissism. How did their union last this long? So much time out of the spotlight puts a strain on any marriage. Dammit, TG, are you ready for our closeup? We haven't been featured in the New York Times in almost six months. My hands are shaking with famewhore-DTs.

As you know, TG has a special place in his heart for Snooki. She's the daughter he's always wanted. Wait till he finds out she was taken into custody in Florence for crashing into a police car! Too many gelato shots, Snooks?

Dishbrotherinlaw reports that Hangover 2 is the same as Hangover 1 except set in Thailand. Worth a rent but not 13$. He thought Bridesmaids merited the price of admission.

As you pray for our troops on this day, please remember our little trooper, Simon Le Bon, whose ailing vocal chords have forced Duran Duran to cancel many shows. Must Dish wait even longer for them to come to NYC?

Monday Tarot

6 of Cups: Ah, nostalgia. You are remembering good times, good places and, most importantly, good people of your life. Just for today, you have no recollection of those "special" moments where you woke up in mysterious places after a night of excess, when your first boyfriend staged a public makeout session to break up with you, or when your BFF's brother put Tabasco sauce in your mouth while you were sleeping. Right now, you are immersed in contentment and a knowledge that you've done all right.

Where The Hell Was Sunday's Tarot?

Here it is: 4 of Swords (Reversed)--Boy, did you PISS the day away! You have soooo much stuff to do but did you do it? Maybe not. You might have actively played with the ripples of fat under your chin, or perhaps tried to up your Freecell game by a percentage, or you could have scarfed down another lemon bar, insisting you have a fast metabolism because you worry. You might have made an effort to do laundry but then decided not to because "Sunday is a busy laundry day." The bottom line is: YOU DID NOTHING AND OBSESSED ABOUT IT ALL DAY LONG.

Was this your day? C'mon, fess up!!!

No Strings Attached

After Black Swan, Dish needed more Natalie Portman so rented No Strings Attached. She is the best thing in this candy-fluff. A predictable story, some cute lines, excellent secondary characters with Kevin Kline as Ashton's dicky father, Mindy Kaling with her sass, and Cary Elwes always in disguise and convincing as a devoted doctor [aside: what happened with his career?]. I recommend this if you want a lazy two hours to swoon over young love. Ashton is lovable but the poor boy can't really express deep emotions on cue. Every now and then, he succeeds as if by accident, but it's hard not to adore him. Natalie can do just about anything so I lift my ban of her, which began when I saw her in the alleged first Star Wars where she and Christian Haydenson (sp?) stunk up the screen.

Speaking of stink, I finally caught the finale of Glee filmed in NYC. As HersheyKiss might attest, it didn't have enough Darren Criss, not enough Sue, not enough Wow. The show is top-heavy with soulful, corny ballads. Loved the Finn/Rachel moments, though, and hope these kids have sex next season. I didn't believe the Patti LuPone cameo for a second--though I love PLP to death. I doubt that diva would ever say something so motivational to a complete stranger. In fact, she didn't relay such you-go-girl fare to Dishbrother when he met her and gushed his teenage heart out! Dish can't forgive.

TG Had a Lot of Mayonnaise Today

He's shocked by how much mayo we Connecticut WASPs consume. Potato salad with mayo, 7 layer salad with a layer of mayo, then sandwiches with mayo. It does a body good.

No big news today other than Dishbrother saying that Julia and I have the same stooped posture. So nice of him!

Saturday Tarot

Queen of Pentacles (Reversed): Someone--maybe you or a person you're hanging with--should be cast in Real Housewives of [insert city] due to high levels of drama. Simmer down, sister! Unless you're Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment getting Debra her pillllllsssssss!

Happy Long Weekend!

Dish will still be here but here's a little clip of Whoopi being very...uh...airy. Love, love, love Barbara Walters's reaction. You know Barbara rips a few in her free time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Wd-aDHbUDGo.

Lindsay Lohan's first day of house arrest. Life is so harrrrrd! In grossness, JLo's first husband won a lawsuit that his girlfriend can release video of him and J.Lo when they were married. Talk about bottom-feeder! First of all, it's stupid to make those kinds of tapes because they always leak. Secondly, you have no class if you release them when your day in the sun was 13 years ago. I hope he goes to hell.

This is a sad Friday for the family/friends of Jeff Conaway, who passed away. A hickey from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card!

TGITarot

6 of Swords (Reversed): Did you say something, Master? Would you mind loosening my leash a little? Wait, is that an Arby's? But I wanted to go to McDonald's for a vanilla shake. Someone is leading you astray, Dishreader. Turn around and go in a different direction. You deserve a shake today.

Continuing the Jim Carrey Love with Liar Liar!

I read something about a criminal probe into Arnold's affairs (or just into Arnold) and my brain went into the sewer. Now that's a movie in itself. Rumor has it there will be a July wedding for Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp. Seems rash but I sort of love them together. Whatever works! TG and I got married fast. Sometimes you just have to do it. Today, Dish was ill from potential sinus infection and TG thrashed around the apartment to The Doors's "Peace Frog," instantly curing me. I'm happy to be Mrs. TG.

Dish will be watching The Secret Circle this fall and so should you as it looks good and trashy. And who doesn't adore it when Gale plays a royal a-hole? Love also Natasha Henstridge who has been a goddess since Species. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxtzRF8I9uI.

Anthony Lane always writes fabulous reviews in The New Yorker and his review of Terrence Mallick's The Tree of Life does not disappoint. I'm not a bit Pitt fan but this might be inneresting (as my grandmother used to say).

Thursday Tarot

5 of Swords: A clash of swords--no phallic reference intended (maybe a little). Either you're a Mean Girl or the one leaving the argument with head held high. It's okay: weekend is almost here, and maybe you can start with the libations a little early.

Wednesday's Tarot

The Lovers: Ugh. This is so not what you think. It's more about making an important decision today. Blahhh. Dish will be choosing between pistachio or peppermint ice cream.

The Tourist, Not So Bad

I wouldn't pay $13 for The Tourist but I'll let you weigh your options:

Pros:
Depp is awesome (aside from some of his signature tricks)
Gorgeous Venice setting
Satisfying ending
Hearing Angelina flub her British accent
Angelina looks beautiful in every single frame
Amusing secondary characters: Paul Bettany, Timothy Dalton, Rufus Sewell

Cons:
Stinky, predictable plot down to the sexy dance they share--and the twist
No chemistry between Jolie and Depp--really none
Jolie can be really good, but this performance seems phoned in. And she's way too skinny, even for a movie. When she's supposed to sashay sexily, she is an adorable gyrating skeleton.

It was not a wasted two hours. In other news, Chris Meloni is out at L&O: SVU. Very sad, but 12 years is a good run. And Kim Kardashian got engaged. Her ring cost 2 million and is allegedly 16.5 carats, emerald cut. I bet it overpowers her hand.

And They Even Kiss!!!

Go to: http://www.larrycrowne.com/and just wait till trailer shows. Watch trailer. Is it me or does this look a little lame? No doubt, I will go see it, though it's a little Forrest Gump meets Summer School meets a whole host of other movies. The trailer tells the entire story so you really don't need to spend $13 to see it. And yet, bow down for Our Lady JULIA.

Ps. Hey, Julia, since we're imaginary buds, see below what I'm knitting now in sparkling navy to go with the dress you're wearing in the trailer. Isn't it great? Vanna White sold separately.

Model/Actress Estella Warren was busted for DUI, kicking a cop, then escaping from the police station. I would have loved to see that on tape! It's so sad when you're not in the limelight anymore.

Without warning, just saw Justin Bieber shirtless. And little girls will probably go ape over his scrawny, adolescent chest--the way Dish did over John Taylor's in the "Hungry Like the Wolf" video 28 years ago.

Tarot Tuesday

3 of Cups: Sweet exultation. You'll have a little play-time with someone you love. Have a cordial even if it is 8 am. Did I tell you how terrific you look today?

My Hair Is Predicting Rain

There is so much crap in my tresses along with leather straps to hold that sh*t down in this freaky weather. Luckily, my hair isn't in my eyes so I can still read about the stars:

Prince Albert is marrying on July 2nd. Wonder who's forcing him into this, although Dish is a strong believer in finding love during one's later stages. Wasn't Prince Albert supposed to be a big womanizer? Well, that doesn't stop the celebs.

Songwriter Joseph Brooks, who penned "You light up my life" committed suicide yesterday and, boy, what a troubled yet-another-rapist soul. Ugh. Loved the song AND the movie starring Didi Conn. Dishbiologicalfather dragged me to that one and I have the feeling he fell asleep while I sat with rapt attention, wishing I had a golden voice and huge knockers.

I totally missed Billboard Music Awards. Will Hulu it. Heard Britney was just fine.

Monday Tarot

The Magician (Reversed): Someone might be messing with you. No need to throw a hissy like Sally Field. You're cool like Al Pacino as Lucifer in The Devil's Advocate (except you have the good sense to whiten your teeth). Keep calm no matter what...until the perfect time where you can eloquently blow your sh*t: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGR4SFOimlk.

Oh, and be sure you're not missing a crucial slide for your presentation--double check your work. It's a Monday.

TG and I Are Watching Snapped Because We're Sick Puppies

Did you see last night's SNL? Somewhat better than usual--especially the Weekend Update--but still a bit lacking. Fabulous Dick in a Box sequel! http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/digital-short-3-way-the-golden-rule/1329178.

As HuffPo says, the greatest marriage proposal ever: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/20/the-greatest-marriage-proposal-ever-video_n_864623.html--though my favorite is my own!

Very thin Sara Rue just got married, Beyonce honored again, Russell Brand deported from Japan (maybe for being slightly annoying but endearing on the whole) and Pirates of the Carribean smashes all international opening weekends. Would rather keep my vision of Johnny and Penelope as they were together in Blow.

Sunday Tarot

Ace of Wands: If someone asks you to fingerpaint today, DO IT. Your art could wind up making millions. Or you just might cut off your ear later (JK!). This Sunday is about creative spurts. So spurt away!

Star Sighting--Carla Gugino!

7:19 pm, 7th Avenue, b/w 18th and 19th, looking all serious with some baggage under the eyes which Dish could totally understand--yet Carla is absolutely beautiful. She was walking with a scruffy unkempt man and walking a beige dog. Carla and I have a friend in common but I would never make those worlds to collide. No, Dish keeps some secrets and understands boundaries.

TG and I just watched I Love You, Phillip Morris. Absolutely hysterical. If you've ever lost faith in Jim Carrey's movie choices, you'll get it back here. I didn't realize it was based on a true story. This is a fun and reckless romp with over-the-top Carrey and darling Ewan MacGregor whose performance, according to the real Phillip Morris, is dead on.

And now, Dish must away. Gaga and JT on SNL!

Saturday Tarot

Knight of Wands: You might find yourself freshening up your lipstick and unbuttoning your blouse for your fatal encounter with Colin Farrell today. You can't help but bathe in his sparkly Irish bad-boy aura. But trust Dish, the next morning, he'll be gone like the wind, leaving the faint smell of cigarettes, stale beer and man on your pillow. Sadly, if Colin returns a month from now, you might do the EXACT same thing. Such is the allure of the Knight of Wands.

Allergy Attack!

Happy Friday, everyone. Supposedly the world is ending tomorrow, so Dish chose Little Fockers as My Last Movie. It is atrocious. If only it had been 2 hours of Owen Wilson and Barbra Streisand it might have been tolerable as they were the only bright spots--all due to a non-story. Jessica Alba was surprisingly wonderful, as well.

A little disappointing is this interview with Dish-favorite-since-2005 Gale Harold. http://www.zap2it.com/videobeta/9610544b-69df-44b3-8de9-4c493b5ffbcb/Entertainment/Fall-TV-2011-The-Secret-Circle-s-Gale-Harold. Maybe it's just Brian Kinney that I love. GH is being a tw*t to this reporter who is just doing her job. This is why I never want to meet stars in person!

Sad news is that Ginnifer Goodwin and fiancé broke up after short engagement. Sometimes getting to know a person isn't as fun as it should be. At least she didn't walk down the aisle!

If you know who Michael Bolton is (though someone in Dish household doesn't), don't miss this hilariousness where MB hijacks a music video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI6CfKcMhjY. Love him!

Dish's Tarot Pick

3 of Cups: It's sexy Friday!!! I recommend a dosage of three large cups of your favorite libation. Grab some friends and get cocktails. The cards demand it.

By the way, are you in a blissful beginning part of a relationship? This 3 cups dosage goes double for you. But don't put out completely. Okay, do. It's supposed to be the end of the world on Saturday anyway.

Mouth Guard in Mouth at Bedtime; GONE in the Morning!!!

Another of Arnold's ex-lovers has come forward and is now being represented by Gloria Allred. Oh, sorry. Some readers are bored by the topic of Arnold's sex scandal. I am, too, but it's still news! Should I write instead about Adele and how fall-on-your-face boring amazing the movie Nine is? Here's more scandal, Lorenzo Lamas's ex, Shauna Sands (younger than Dish but looks years older but has huge fun-bags) was arrested for spraying husband with mace. Classy.

Just saw photos of Julia and Tom Hanks showing off upcoming Larry Crowne, a romantic comedy where Tom goes to community college and falls for Julia, his teacher. I wonder what she's teaching. Will they make out on screen? Dear God, will they be in the sack? These are things I can't bear, like seeing Obama in a bathing suit. Some celebrity flesh should never be seen.

Prayers for Jeff Conaway who, according to several sources, ODed on painkillers last week and is in a coma. Lots of celebrity comas this week. Very sad. Dish is going into her own coma--a coma of excellence.

Thursday Tarot

8 of Cups (Reversed): Like a stalled car, you've given up on a dream. As Julia says, "Big mistake. Huge."

Pink Raincoats Everywhere in NYC--I Want One, Too!

OMG, nothing going on in celebuworld. Lady Gaga is everywhere, Miley getting a tattoo, latest action-hunk walking his little dog. Jennifer Aniston's doggie died. Ahnold's babymama has been revealed and it's the housekeeper. Camille and Kelsey Grammer are fighting for sole custody (what a joke!) and Maria went on Oprah. Will you be watching Oprah's last few shows?

Just watched last night's Glee and it made me cry buckets. Jane Lynch is not only a hot, mean mama, but she is a real actress.

Pray for Zsa Zsa Gabor who is in a coma--and, of course, Simon Le Bon who has been struck down by laryngitis (a sexy affliction--Dish had it and sounded like Lauren Bacall with laryngitis) and SHOWS WERE CANCELED.

Tarot Wednesday

The High Priestess (Reversed): Your intuition may be failing you today. You see the chocolate and eat it even though it'll give you a headache. Maybe you don't feel as one with the universe right this second--it's okay. You can't be ecstatic every day. So go for that slab of chocolate, don't delve too deeply into potentially volatile issues. Dish is keeping the nose to the grindstone and showing no curiosity about anything...except Dishmama's chiffon cake that she is dropping by any second now.

Prefer Colbert, But Do Enjoy Jon Stewart

And here's why: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Im8WhG-8FGw.

Arnold puts his weiner in a foreign body and fathered a secret baby, seemingly one catalyst for the colossal marital breakup. How did this stay secret for so long? I feel so horrible for the secret child who will no doubt be discovered and ripped to shreds. In true Phoenix from the ashes style, Maria Shriver is a sought-after commodity for the networks. Arnold has nowhere to go but down (his pants) though his career will be resurrected in no time. America is incredibly forgiving of philanderers who humiliate their spouses in crazy fashion.

Potential new couples: Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively--a relief! Every time I think of Leo without a willowy blond, my knees get a little shaky; Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde, which neither offends nor exhilarates me.

Prayers go out to Simon Le Bon who has a throat infection.

Dish's Daily Tarot

Ace of Pentacles (Reversed): You may have an "oh $*%&" moment, an instant of cosmic erectile dysfunction. But only a moment. Ride the wave, surfers. Play with the waddle under your chin. It's not The Poseidon Adventures.

L'Update de Frogue

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the grande tete du International Monetary Fund, a ete arreste pour allegement faire le sexual assault sur une maid. Je clean ton room? D'accord, et je then stick mon petit zizi dans ton derriere without le consent. Je hope il fry dans les fires of hell. Le rape: ZERO tolerance!

Bienvenue, Mr. Fabuleux! CNN anchor Don Lemon est Out and fiere. Il y avait un blind item a week ago de ce sujet, mais je thoughtay que le gay anchor would be le Silver Fox qui cohost avec Kathy Griffin. Mais je suis happy que Don feel confortable de sortir du closet.

Mr. Rouge-Quelque-Chose-Sur-His-Head Trump ne run pas pour President. Je suis sad because je wanted to see him fair un fool of himself.

Best J.J. Facebook Status Ever

"Well It Took 22 Years Of Life In NYC For Me To Witness What I Saw Today For The First Time- Pigeon's Fucking!! Myself & The Woman Passing Me At The Time, Stopped, Looked, Laughed & Commented While The Male Never Broke His Stride & Rode The Bitch Home!!"

J.J., I salute you.

Dish's Daily Tarot

The Magician: You have a dream. Well, today, you'll see yourself achieving it. On this Monday, you are the woman in every tampon commercial: full of confidence, take-charge chutzpah and wildly creative. Nothing will stop you, not even that special female time or your favorite team losing the big game. I'd even say you come close to celebrity status.

And call me Katharine.

Skipping Desperate Housewives?

I can't bear to watch two hours of Teri right now. TG is peacefully reading the news after cooking me dinner and fetching me a latte. Dish is ironing his shirts. Why ruin the domestic peace?

But I do have time for declarations: Weeds has jumped the shark. You can only go so far with a Mary Jane scenario and I've come to loathe Nancy Botwin with her ice-coffee swizzling. No redemption. Real Housewives of New York City: Is Ramona acting? Wonder if they'll address her obvious alcoholism in a future episode. Must be fun to play that crazy on TV--and look great doing it. Is Jennifer Love Hewitt in talks to replace Mariska in L&O: SVU after she leaves? I'm sure there will be fierce backlash, but oddly enough, Dish is a fan of J. Love.

Recovering from a long, really fun weekend.

Star Sighting--Patricia Clarkson!!!

12th and 6th Avenue, 11am: I saw you, little miss Gingie, hiding under the hat and walking an enormous doggie. TG and I were crawling home after a memorable high school reunion, but was I too tired to spot the stars? I did a double and triple take before confirming it was Ms. Fabulous Patricia. She is truly beautiful, even in hiding. Gingies unite!!!

Dish's Daily Tarot

7 of Wands (Reversed): Unlike Norma Rae, you may be fighting hard to defend an unworthy cause. Do a pros and cons list and have a heart to heart with your gut. And always, like Sally Field in that movie classic, for God's sakes, wear a tight shirt. That just helps everyone.

Quickie

Dish just returned from partying with high school classmates. Danced to Duran Duran, which someone recorded and I fear may be posted on FB as some "look at weird girl" expose. Maybe that's cynical. At least TG was there to tear up the dance floor with me and also Dishbff.

As TG and I left the the hotel, someone was unpacking a van full of boxes marked, "L. Ron Hubbard." Do I dare to dream a Scientology conference might be taking place nearby?

Celeb news: Tom Sizemore's GF has been found and Jenna Fischer is pregs.

Dish: The Dirty Issue

Some prominent celebrity (I highly doubt it's Mike Myers) gave a sex-partner herpes after saying he had no diseases; sex-partner is now suing. I would sue just based on the lying. Now everyone is trying to figure out who it is. Dish has some ideas. What are yours?

The SEALS found that Osama bin Laden had tons of porn in his compound. Though no offense to our men/women in uniform, this sounds like a plant to Dish, a way to humiliate, though I wonder what kind of porn? The porn does make him seem more villainous, doesn't it?

Speaking of...Mike Myers's new wife is having a baby. Mazel Tov.

Dish's Daily Tarot

4 of Wands: Run out and get yourself some chocolate, cake, booze, streamers, expensive moisturizer, a massage, ticker tape! You've done something awesome. I'm not sure what it is, but you should take Saturday off and celebrate. Dish's orders.

The Decision Did Not Blow Me Away

Ashton Kitchen on Two and a Half Men. Dishreaders, do you remember That 70s Show? It wasn't a fave but lots of people liked it. I adore Ashton except on Twitter, think he serves a purpose, especially on Punk'd. He's a personality, but I don't think he's going to save the show. It would have been more interesting to choose someone far-fetched. Like Martin Sheen. Or Hugh Grant, as rumored. Ricky Martin. Someone we wouldn't think of, but whose name would make us go "ooooooh, I'd totally watch that." Everyone would have watched Two and a Half Men with Hugh Grant or, God help us, Mickey Rourke. Sean Hayes. Dolly Parton. Now that would've been cool. This choice is a Band-Aid. But I do like Ashton.

Wonder Woman was not picked up--not a surprise since the suit would have brought about too many jokes. Brothers & Sisters has been canceled. Can we say Amen? Now something major has to happen on Desperate Housewives. TG and I are ready for the two-hour finale. TG asked, "What are they going to do for two hours?" Oh please, that show is an expert at wasting our m*ther-f*cking time.

Dish's 25th high school reunion starts now.

Crap! Blogger did renovation and mysteriously erased two days of posts. Catastrophe. Actually, go to www.dishuponastar.wordpress.com for sweet succor.

Dish's Daily Tarot

Knight of Cups (Reversed): You will meet a handsome stranger, except he might talk endlessly about his troubled childhood or his affair with his hot French teacher. Substitute too many vodka tonics and this stranger could be you.

Totally harmless, though. TGIF!

Dish's Daily Tarot

2 of Swords: Again? It’s like she’s stalking you. Okay, here’s the deal. You have a difficult choice to make. Brad Pitt and George Clooney each have professed their love to you. Do you act with your heart or your head? Brad’s star power isn’t what it used to be (Benjamin Button, Troy, Meet Joe Crap)and he’s with the kids and Angelina all the time; George Clooney is super-funny, always in style, and can act his butt off but he’ll never marry you and you have a good chance of getting into a motorcycle accident with him. Oh forget it, you’re blind. But you have a great opportunity to think through your terrible situation with reason rather than hormones.

Hotness, Incorporated

So much news:

Duran Duran Alert! John Taylor and Nick Rhodes are like Confucius, Dr. Freud and Dear Abby rolled into one. http://www.365gay.com/video/ask-the-celebrity-expert-duran-duran-im-afraid-to-move-in-with-my-partner/. Wisdom in under a minute, in-depth psycho-analysis and a personable speaking style. How could you not adore them?

Lindsay Lohan is doing jail time in her house. I have no words.

21,000 bottles Dan Akroyd’s Crystal Head vodka were stolen. Somewhere in the city, J.J. is crying.

Jennifer Aniston has a new penthouse apartment in the Village. Dish knows just where it is and where accidental walk-bys will happen on way to Magnolia Bakery. Welcome to the hood, Jen!

Mary Tyler Moore having brain surgery to remove benign brain tumor. You’re going to make it after all!

Tom Sizemore’s girlfriend has gone missing for the last couple months. Creepy. http://www.tmz.com/2011/05/11/tom-sizemore-megan-wren-disappearance-missing-girlfriend-police-missing-questioned/. Someone needs to make him into the villain in a Lifetime movie.

The Situation’s father has gone bananas publicly. He and Michael Lohan should rent a house together, get some strippers and whine about how important they are and how no one cares about them. Wa wa wa wa.

Rumors of Hugh Grant replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Now THAT would make me watch.

In the Words of Bon Jovi, “Have a Nice Day!”

Dish's Daily Tarot

5 of Cups: You’ve left behind a long string of exes (I won’t call you any names rhyming with “glut”) and could use a rest. Take heart, you are in such a good place right now, you’re not about to Google or Facebook stalk them. Unworthy people will no longer take big chunks out of your heart. You can feel better things are in store for you.

Why Do I Keep Buying Nail Polish When I Know I’m Getting My Claws Done in a Salon?

The Brothers & Sisters finale: lame but Dish got misty when Sarah’s father walked her down the aisle. Nice thing for a father to do. And Sarah had TWO fathers. I pretend that my father is Donald Sutherland from Pride & Prejudice. No need to continue with this show unless Dish and J.J. are cast.

So much drama around Star Jones. If she didn’t exist, the world would be duller. I love/hate her, too. She’s gone through hell in her life, but she’s also contributed to that hell. Not sure whose side I’m on in the NeNe feud–probably NeNe. Now, Star’s ex Al Reynold’s wants 50K because she broke their agreement and trash-talked him on TV. I’d do the same thing, Al!

Now let’s talk about knocked up January Jones. The rumor mill is that Michael Fassbender is the babydaddy. Who dat? Did a Google search and he is handsome enough for our January. A very exciting time for her and I hope she keeps mum on the father. Say it’s The Lord. That’s what Dish would do.

Hellcats: I’m putting off watching last night’s episode until I can’t stand it anymore. There should be lots of making out between our Gale and the blonde. Deliciousness! Watch these whores for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57Qiydd0CqM. Is it just Dish or does it seem strange for him to be kissing a woman? My QAF fever hasn’t broken yet. It’s only been 6 years since the show ended…

Broadway Spiderman gets a reboot. Here’s a lifelong secret: I mostly hate Bono and Sting. It’s not politically correct, but I do. I also hate Bob Dylan, the Grateful Dead, Joni Mitchell and Neil Young.* There, I said it. I hear their music and think WTF is that? I hate Bono the most with his groovy sunglasses and highly publicized do-gooder ways, hate Sting less because I actually saw Sting and The Police in concert in 2007. Seeing them live filled me with euphoria, even in the stinky, claustrophobic Giants stadium. Sting’s voice always sounded like a rat’s nails scratching along pipe, but in concert, his singing was akin to hypnotic wind chimes playing in heaven. I’m still a little transported when I hear “Message in a Bottle.”

*I’m sure they hate me too. Or rather they wouldn’t waste the energy. I don’t really hate them, PC Police!

Maybe She Got Tired of His Alleged Groping Other Women

Maria Shriver and Arnord Schwarzegger are separating. It seems like a good thing, though I could see the chemistry between them. So much scandal attached to this marriage. J.J. definitely has an opinion about all this. I hope he comments! I wish Maria Shriver health and happiness during this "transition."

If you're blue, this will cheer you up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmcA9LIIXWw. Mississippi 1870, bahahaha!

Bill Maher was the type of pinhead in high school I always tried to get to like me, but he never gave me the time of day (thank goodness!). He still makes me laugh so hard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJRjbALKwBw.

Courtney Love and Michael Pitt dating? At first when I saw the pic, I thought Pitt was Gale (they look a bit similar and acted in the same flickipoo together) and it was too close for comfort. Saw Pitt on the street once and he looked out of it, but sweet.

Bieber hurled between songs during his concert. Celebrity barfing is really difficult for me to imagine or bear.

Dish's Daily Tarot

Temperance: How very Caroline Ingalls of you. Others may go bananas from hours of plowing the fields but you work it and never lose your dignity on crazy emotions. Your sunkissed face, battered prairie skirt, and serene smile make you easy breezy beautiful Cover Girl.

High School Reunion This Weekend. What to Wear?

Desperate Housewives: Coma-time, but I keep watching. Someone needs to die. Only excitement is flirtation between Bree and the cop. If they don't boink soon, I might fall asleep.

Whitney Houston is in outpatient rehab, a good alternative since in-house rehab doesn't seem to work for celebs. Whitney, we're ready for a resurrection. Don't let those pipes go to waste.

Nene left Celebrity Apprentice and Trump says she's a quitter. More like a winner for getting away from Mr. Furry-red-bonnet. Just say no to awful people! I don't watch C.A. though enjoyed it a few years ago, in the days when Jesse James seemed to have integrity and was married to Sandra.

Justin Bieber allegedly a "brat" on CSI, which has started a feud with Marg Helgenberger. If I lost my adolescence to superstardom, I might be a brat too. Love Marg! Hope the Bieber fans don't go after her.

Colin Hanks joins the cast of Dexter Season 6. Celeb-spawn are often so worthless, though Dish thinks Colin lives up to his father's hype and makes some very good, careful choices. Here's a trailer for the next season, though it reveals nothing. My butt could have made it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVApgr1Mqto.

Dish's Daily Tarot

2 of Pentacles (Reversed): You're like Sally Allbright today, not the fun one who fakes an orgasm in a deli, but the one who's buried under her own anal retentive lists. Time for a metaphorical enema.

Star Sighting--Geraldo Rivera!!!

5/7/11, 10:58pm at WTC: Dishbrother sees Geraldo and writes, "zzzzz." Using sibling-psychic-powers I translate this as: Geraldo hasn't changed his look in 35+ years. My main question is What Was Dishbrother doing at WTC at 10:58pm???

Dish's Daily Tarot

Strength: You have big hairy ones.