Dishbrothersidekick Just Blew My Mind

Forgive my absence. My problem this week was living too much in the celebrity present. Tonight, Dishbrothersidekick pulled me from the edge of Lamar-Khloe-Dina-Lohan-DUI-Lindsay-side-boob-reveal hell. Stars are so completely boring these days with:

1. blissful union
2. reality show
3. boredom
3. despair/drunkenness
4. rehab
5. exit from rehab
6. desperate bid for more fame
7. back to rehab
8. reality show ten years later

This depresses me. I'm saved now. Let's live in the past, where celebrities were just as wasted but way more exciting! So, DBSK and I were having a side conversation at dinner about Kylie Minogue and he mentioned how she and Michael Hutchence of INXS were doing it--he says married but I verified three times that they were just consistently banging (in an airplane?). I would have never put those two together--and had NO IDEA that they traded fluids--so I spent two hours on Google, going back in time and reliving salaciousness of the 90s--which always brings me back to Duran Duran (Simon wrote a song for Michael after he died, Michael that is), who are past, present and future in all arenas (if you're a Duranie you get this amazing joke).

Back to the present, all I have to say is: That bitch. Hands off my Julia!

Oh yeah, and Mario Lopez and his lovely wife gave their new son a normal name, Dominic, and for this, I love them. Emily Blunt is preggo.

Julia Is In New York!!!

I sort of knew our Julia was Dish-proximate but today there was photographic evidence of her in the Post (love the shorts, love the flats, love the shades, love to) on her way to see The Lion King. From the ratty flannel in her purse, I'll guess her children were nearby. Otherwise, she would have joined me for my 12th viewing of Jersey Boys, aka the best show on earth.

In my pre-sleep haze, I noticed Kat Von D ended her engagement to Deadmau5 and alleged that he cheated on her. The tweets were vicious! While I will never get a tattoo, I am rooting for Kat Von D. She chooses crappy guys, but who hasn't? She makes a fine lipstick.

Shadiness: James Woods (66) parades his new 20-year-old girlfriend. The Deen endorsements continue to disappear. I wore a wifebeater in public and renewed my library card.

TG is watching a nature show on bears. He's into bears, especially the Snuggle and Charmin bears. We might get one as a pet. 

Rest in Peace, Tony Soprano

I confess, my first thought upon hearing the news was: Julia Roberts must be devastated. She and James Gandolfini starred in The Mexican together and had more chemistry than she had with Brad Pitt. During the promotion of the movie, Julia and James seemed very cozy, though it could have been residual pheromones from bonding with her now husband Danny Moder. Long story long, it's shocking to me that Gandolfini is now gone. 

Today has been a strange day altogether. I reviewed my Real Housewives of Orange County and can see that Gretchen and Tamra are becoming distant again. This explains why Gretchen wasn't a bridesmaid at Tamra's recent wedding. Can't we all get along? So for real female friendship, I turn again to Army Wives where in Season 7, they bring in a flock of new wives, all of whom I like more than the old ones (except Kim Delaney, my treasure, even if she guzzles several liters of V, is belligerent and slurs--I love her). I'm just waiting for Brooke Shields to appear. The clouds will part and excellence will reign over mediocrity.

Now in the evening, my mood has taken a different turn. I've gone through several pictures of stars with cellulite, not for the schadenfreude but to feel as if I'm not alone. (though it's easy to give a star cottage cheese legs if she's running)


Now here's Cher singing live on The Voice last night.

I Can't Stop Watching "Army Wives"!

It's my cousin's fault for suggesting this excellent series that takes place on an army post, where wives get together, bond, drink wine and name their lady parts. My weekend is chock-full.

This morning I began with Taken 2. You know something? 60-something action heroes rule! Even though he's wearing skunk fur on his head, Liam Neeson is bad ass.

I end with the trailer for August: Osage County. My verdict: Julia tries really hard to be a normal person but sorry, FAILURE. She is as perfect and gorgeous as ever (and Meryl does some fab scenery chewing!).

Looking for reviews of The Great Gatsby. Have the feeling it's bleh. Tobey and Leo, really? I like them in certain projects, like Cider House Rules and The Departed respectively. I don't see how they could outshine Sam Waterston and Robert Redford. I just don't, not even with Baz's pomp and circumstance. Did like his Romeo & Juliet, though.

Happy St. Guinness Day!

This is the happiest news ever since it combines three things about which I have endless passion: Kathy Bates, Jessica Lange, and witches! Ryan Murphy is a genius with this excellent American Horror Story revelation for next season!

More of why Ryan Murphy is my favorite person except Glee kind of sucks now. He's filming The Normal Heart (Dish has seen numerous times, not a fave) in NYC, which means JULIA ROBERTS WILL BE ON THE PREMISES. TG refuses to go location scouting with me for Julia's whereabouts--and let's face it, I will probably remain on my fat ass working. But...if any readers have a hint of a clue of where she might be, please dish. I might need a pick-me-up from all this work. And bear in mind, I will keep a distance from The Queen because I'm a giant chicken-sh*t.

I've been worried about Tone Loc and his seizures for years. He keeps collapsing on stage, which breaks my heart. How can this genius ever be sick?

More The View drama--it seems Hasselbeck really might be gone. Baba is pissed the news got out before she could expel it in a tiny burp covered by her hand. Christie Brinkley is allegedly lobbying hard to get on the show. That might be fun if she lets loose--no fakery. For The View, you need one stable (as in will show up day after day) wackadoodle and at least three who are interesting but won't cause too much drama. Brooke Shields is the new Meredith!!!

Mainlining Twix

My engagement ring is too lose on my finger so I'm storing it away until I get some bacon fat under my belt. F*kk my Anne Hathaway diet or any diet. TG was, like, what the hell, why did you lose weight? I did--but just in my forearms and my fingers. The rest of me is the same. Okay, so maybe I'm a little after-school special with my too-baggy pants and spine coming out of my back. I've been buried in work in a way I haven't experienced since 1997. But, no more. I want to look pudgy on TV again so I rushed to the deli and got a gigantic sandwich, a candy bar, some soda and I'm guzzling like there's no tomorrow. The ring comes back pronto!

When you don't eat, your blood sugar takes a dive. Then you do weird things, like look up music obsessions from the past. For me, that was Vanity. I loved Ms. Denise Matthews and her songs got me through some rough times. This one especially--which is cool since it's very close to TG's name. Oh, and this one is legendary. Now, this talented singer has found Jesus! Hey, whatever gets you through...

I thought I'd want to learn about celebrities' crushes but this is incredibly boring. Some of them go on and on...like they love the attention. Kind of wondering what Julia Roberts thinks of Jessica Chastain, a younger replica who is getting all those serious acty roles Julia didn't get till later (sort of). Is Julia pisssst? That would only make me work harder. And then I'd go up to Jessica and snap her bra. Ooops, need more candy--and protein!

So no big surprise, Liberty Ross is divorcing her two-timing director husband, Rupert Sanders--you know, the one who threatened the all-mighty love of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I don't care.

Hey, Anne--Wanna Go to Anthropologie Tomorrow?

Here are Dish's Reasons for Seeing Les Miserables:

The story: A man steals bread and goes to jail. His jailer gets a big boner for him and makes him carry a long flag pole. After his release, the bread-stealer decides to keep stealing but the priest is nice to him (not in that way). BS becomes mayor and befriends a prostitute with short hair who has a cute blond jonbenet daughter who doesn't brush her hair. BS watches the whore-mother die and carries jonbenet off into the night. Meanwhile, the Oz Jailer chases BS and whips out his sword. BS keeps showing Oz mercy (but not his wang). Jonbenet grows up beautiful and falls for a soldier, the one who spent the week with Marilyn Monroe. It's love at first sight and BS is not-miserable anymore since he can marry the girl off so he can join the whore in heaven. Oz Jailer is so upset in general that he jumps off a bridge. Somewhere there is fighting. Vive la France!

Anne Hathaway blows away Oscar competition for Best Supporting Actress with just one song. The weight loss and short hair were worth it! In the star-studded Q&A after the screening, I realized with a start that Anne and I are now imaginary best friends! Julia and I have drifted apart since Larry Crowne--plus, with how Anne sat, with the voices inside her head still speaking, I can tell she's got a touch of the crazy--like Dish!

Hugh Jackman is just as Hugh-ey as you could imagine, and cute as a bug's ear. Criticism: He gets hammy in parts and he's not PRETTY enough in this movie. The hair alone made me shudder with revulsion. If he'd only pulled a Wolverine, it might have been sexy. Remember: acting is attracting.

Russell Crowe acts with just an eye twitch. I've forgiven him now for the phone-throwing. His performance is astonishing and effortless--his singing, well, I would have trained a bit more for those notes. It seemed out of his comfort zone. And yet, next to Anne, he is my favorite in the movie.

Amanda Seyfried: Lovely. Looked hungry on stage.

Eddie Redmayne: Adorable and lovely voice. Nicely done Marius.

Samantha Banks: Winning. Fabulous debut. Though look at her skinny bitch waist. I hate her!

Helena Bonham Carter: As Dishbrother says, "Where was her costume?" Easy transition from Tim Burton to 19th Century Paris.

Sacha Baron Cohen: You should have seen TG's glow during his scenes. Sacha is a scene-stealer.

The biggest star of all: sound and set design. I'd never seen Les Miz before because the soundtrack didn't float my sails. I cried like a baby most of the way through this version. It's a tad boring in spots. Some camera work could have been done on my iPad, but overall, a triumph. Hard to say if it's going to be this year's Titanic (long, sappy movie that touches everyone's hearts). I'm mostly blown away by the work involved in creating this movie and the fabulous performances.

Happy Birthday, Pretty Woman!!!

Aw, Julia--you make 45 look goooooooood!!!!

Matthew McConaughey's Manorexia Made Me Eat a BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger!

Have you seen the recent photos of Matty-poo? I won't publish them here, because it's like a fashion week runway show. The minute I saw his gaunt physique, I cried a little, then ran for that juicy burger with fries. An hour later I ate three chocolate truffles along with my supplement (vitamins). His hideous skinniness is for a movie role. These extremes can only mean he's going for the gold, i.e. Oscar. Deprettying really impresses the academy, especially when your beauty is proportionate to the amount of ugliness you endure. I'm talking to you, Charlize, Tom Hanks, Gwyneth, Daniel Day and Heath in Heaven. I pray McConaughey will stop this The Machinist regime and get back to being shirtless on the beach. He's not my type (see TG who is hotness to the max) but I live to help others appreciate beauty in this world.

I have so much anxiety. I'm worried about the election. TG and I forget to watch Vegas each week, which means Michael Chiklis doesn't know how much we love him. Our ulcers rip open with each episode of Cupcake Wars and Florian's vicious criticism of artificial flavors. Yeah, how does red velvet get that way naturally, Flore? Do we have to bleed for you?

I'm such a mess, I started watching The Next Best Thing -- bad movie comfort food. I learn so much each time I watch it:

I think Madonna saw Rupert Everett as so awesome with Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding that she had to steal him AND the real-life boyfriend Benjamin Bratt. Girls are so competitive!

Michael Vartan is like stone. Sort of like in every movie but sometimes that works, like when Dish watched Never Been Kissed 500 million times. No wait, that was someone else.

With his posh accent, Rupert hauls dirt in LA somewhere. I'm not quite sure what Rupert does, but I don't buy it. He's not a manual labor guy (Nothing wrong with it, I like it). Tax attorney, pundit, academic, museum curator, maybe.

I never knew this but it's so logical and happens all the time: the 100% gay best friend gets drunk and can't help but sleep with his female friend. Then again, if it's Madonna, I might close my eyes and hope for the best...

Girls never ever keep track of their periods, especially Madonna. She eats like a pig suddenly and then consults her calendar, going back months. Sorry, I call BS.

Yoga is the only way to get a banging bod.

I love how Madonna tries to play a more passive female. Her character is quite likeable, someone I'd totally hang with. I almost kinda believe it, too, if it weren't for THE ACCENT.

But you have to love someone who does whatever the hell she wants. I need a cookie.

I Have This Strange Feeling I Didn't Post Yet

Oh Hesoos, I didn't!

Tonight I went to see Can Can at the Westchester Broadway Theater. It was quite a pleasant viewing experience because they serve food and you can sprawl across an entire table. In addition, there were enough stalls in the ladies so I wasn't dying after drinking my three bottled waters and coffee. The show is fun, too. Not only did I see my friend do a brilliant job, but my celebrity senses twitched in the middle of the the first act. I smelled something Julia-esque or Julia Adjacent. The guy playing Boris was soooo familiar that I had to shove the program in my face. I am good! Remember the elevator boy in Pretty Woman? The reporter filming himself in the wedding scene in Runaway Bride? His name is Patrick Richwood and he was fantastic on stage. A very nice way to spend an evening.

I'm inching closer to Julia. Can you feel it?

The Mexican

FYI: This flick is almost unwatchable. I'm not even sure I understand the story. It's about a gun, there's a curse, she's kidnapped a few times, and Brad and Julia spend very little time on screen together. We see no bow-chicka-bow-bow.

I only have three observations besides the obvious one that Julia seems so happy during filming since this is where she met cameraman Danny Moder:

1. Julia hurls in the flick. She doesn't vomit much in movies--and you mostly just see her running to the bathroom or is leaning out of a car. The only other time she yakks is in America's Sweethearts when she eats too many carbs.

2. Great chemistry between Julia and Tony Soprano. I kept wanting THEM to kiss even though he's supposed to play gay (I don't buy it). They probably made him gay to offset their mutual sparks.

3. Brad excels at playing a dumbass.

Happy Birthday, Dishmama!

Today she is on a jet plane, arriving way past her bedtime. We are at a loss how to celebrate when the goddess herself is in the air. I dove headlong into a movie marathon:

Safe House: Ryan Reynolds is an excellent action hero and he proves he can act in this thrill-packed CIA chase-reel. Denzel does his usual slick masterful mentor thing, killing some soldiers along the way. Predictable, repetitive, but what else is there? If you like watching things go boom, rent immediately. I loved it.

Young Adult: Another wit-tastic flick from Diablo Cody's pen. The sad thing is that I identified too much with the Charlize character, except I would never go back to my hometown to throw a big hissy over my first love. Life is hell. Charlize is perfect.

The Dictator: Far less irritating than Bruno or Borat. I laughed all the way through and enjoyed TG's hysterics. It was a nice change from his bitching at me to walk on the shady side of the street on our way to Union Square.

Mirror Mirror: I'm bewildered by how bad this is. I can't even stomach Julia. I hope she's screaming at whoever chose this project, even if it's to a mirror. I'm 10 minutes in, feeling that Julia needs Dish's help STAT to revive her career. I want her in an urban movie, playing a cold, beautiful socialite and screwing the daylights out of someone hot and not Tom Hanks. We've only seen her have sex in Sleeping with the Enemy (it made me uncomfortable) but it's time to shake things up and go for a less predictably Julia project (which is usually unpredictable, so by that, I would choose something I would predict she wouldn't choose).

The same advice for Tom Cruise--a career overhaul to deal with this next phase of life. No spacesuit or law enforcement stories. He was awesome in Rock of Ages but the movie seems to be tanking. Maybe the world doesn't want to see him shirtless anymore. I think he's brilliant when he wears a suit in a movie (Jerry Maguire, Lion for Lambs, Collateral). If his social life is going to hell, maybe Oscar should be his next goal.

Paris is now a DJ?

I'm all for Paris Hilton trying to find herself. This past week, she debuted as a DJ somewhere south of Dish. I saw the clip and, first of all, I don't get the DJ as rock star. Aren't they supposed to be off to the side, up in the booth? Where's the mystique if they stand on stage and push buttons? Not interesting at all! I say, Paris needs to go to college.

TV Land aired American Film Institute's honoring of Shirley Maclaine. I confess my eyes filled at the start-up music. A room filled with Julia, Meryl, Jack, Don Rickles (It's not always about you, Morgan Freeman!). How could I not cry a little? I love my Shirl but what the hell animal died on her head? She wore a weird wig but those sparkling blue eyes are mesmerizing. Julia did well, looks great with her tanner but...I hate to admit this...I'm turning a little. The wind tells me she might not be my imaginary best friend after all. Must consult an acquaintance in the know. Jack Nicholson should never speak in public again. It's okay because Jack Black blew everyone away, facing her reincarnation stuff head-on.

The skinny: Koda is frontrunner to take over for Ann Curry. I like that but hate that Ann Curry is being skewered. I think she's been treated like crap from Day #1. Let the tide turn and make her beloved. Octomom has a boyfriend but Dish smells a beard to get on TV.

So Dish has written her scandalous and bitchy fictitious memoirs and needs a good first name pseudonym, something modern and peppy. Any ideas?

Happy Gay Pride

Since my self-esteem hinges on how many Likes I get for my George Takei share, I will try to tear myself away and focus on the stars. Oh right, and Gay Pride. I should have hauled my butt to a pier to party with the girls from The Real L Word, but my butt urges me to stay on the couch. It's saying, "Please, Dish, no effort today. We have a little vertigo." Happy Gay Pride, Everyone! It's a glorious event, which should occur daily.

Today, I'm pondering the Kris Humphries downward spiral and instead of fighting, I think he should walk away and sign the divorce papers. Stop speaking to anyone and just play basketball. Marrying Kim K is like being an alkie. After extricating yourself, follow the steps, know that you're powerless to Kris Jenner and that while under the K umbrella you are not yourself. It's time to cut the cord.

I rewatched I Love Trouble, seeing the crabby side of Julia. It's obvious she loathed filming with Nick Nolte. I'm just that attuned to all Julia emotions. Just to give you an idea of the movie's stellar script, Nolte says this at one point to my imaginary BFF: "Where'd you come from? Bitchville?" After my viewing, I did a Google search "Julia Roberts, temper tantrum, mean in real life" and follow the links. I then chastised myself for my negative activities.

Following this, I lit bugs on fire.

Can't You Feel the Love in this Picture?

My fairy godmother had a special Julia movie delivered to me for the weekend. In 1994, I was chasing cyclists, using email for the first time, signing up for a master's program and hearing all about how Julia and Nick Nolte hated working with each other on I Love Trouble. In this flick, he looks semi-normal, but you kinda don't want to see them kiss. Poor Julia. I can't wait to watch this mess!!!

The condition of Dish: Still aching over missing the mini-DD concert. Do you think Simon has stopped crying and forgiven me for staying in the a/c and watching The Shield with TG?

Speaking of Simons, today I pondered Simon Cowell and the rumor he's had plastic surgery. The man must have engaged in Botox, but perhaps having heaps of $$ necessitates severe procedures. I see my sags and don't blame him one bit. But is it lonely at the top, Simon? Two failed engagements to women. So much pressure to reinvigorate his brand. I keep wanting him and Seacrest to give in to the sexual tension simmering between them. The hottub is just right.

Recently divorced James Marsden, whom I always thought was gay talented, knocked up a brazilian model, i.e. the kryptonite for most actors, musicians and sports figures. Children, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

The Curry firing furor still keeps everyone guessing. She's pretty classy to keep on going. Will remember her cool as I'm in the enemy's sights.

There Are No Words...

A picture is worth a thousand chuckles. You don't even need comics. I learned today that that Kim K bought Kanye a Lamborghini for his birthday. TG totally married the wrong woman!

In MeLand: While I love stars, I tend to be disappointed when I meet them in person. There are so many a-holes. To date, the super-non-a-hole exceptions, discovered over several encounters, have been Jon Tenney and Frank Miller who are very friendly in real life. Dish recently encountered a celestial being who seems winning on screen but luckily Dish's age and wisdom helped see the a-hole within. The only time I'd forgive a-hole-itis would be with Julia and DD. Overall, I haven't got time for the pain. Adoration from afar is so much easier on the fragile fan's psyche.

I'm So Confused--Are Ashton and Demi Back Together?

There's talk of secret meetings. New vows of love. I was just getting used to Demi Moore forging ahead, finding her womanity after the demise of her third marriage. I fantasized about her going on The Conversation and Wendy Williams a few times, being all strong yet vulnerable with her glasses, eyes filling because some love never dies. She would go on to make millions producing films and do the occasional Margin Call. She and Courtney Cox would morph into one person.

As for Ashton, he's starting to look like a man. Before the split he resembled the college student I always yearned to date in my teens but didn't until my mid thirties. He has all these great projects in his future. Does he want to go back?

More importantly, I was just getting over this breakup, so the alleged reunion takes me by surprise. I would rather they get back together but there isn't enough Ativan in the world to ease the stress I'll feel day by day (are they okay, having fun, is he hanging with skanky blondes in bars? did they go to their Kaballah meeting). After 7 years, they do seem to have a special kind of love. Fret not. I will buckle down, get out the scotch, and pray that they rediscover the joy in their marriage.

One must always look to Danny Moder and Julia Roberts for marriage spice. They leave "angel cards" for each other around the house. Must get on the stick and do likewise. What is an angel card and how do I find one? Does it fly?

Rumors are a-swirl about Britney reviving crazy behavior on The X Factor. Doing this show might have been a mistake, though the whispers of old Brit might be Simon-hype to bring in viewers. Britney seems to excel in 10-minute increments and judging takes hours and hours. Poor girl.

Congratulations to Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni on their marriage. I love these two gingies.

Oh, It's On...

Dish STILL wore it first...

Do You Think This Is a Coincidence?

Dish wore it first...

4 and 1/2 Hours Until...

Duran Duran Mash-Up on Glee tonight. Bomer and Criss do Le Bon. For the love of Simon, John, Nick, Roger and Dom, let it be awesome!

Can you feel the rage of Alec Baldwin's stalker? I'm fascinated by stalker language (I must see you, let's have a baby, I need your baby). This one's slightly intelligent, only because she got herself on the front page of The Post (Dish's dream), tarnishing Baldwin's engagement glow. The problem is that stalker's fifteen minutes should last about two since her repertoire is kinda skimpy. Stalker needs to spread her seed, seek out other stars and then gossip about it with friends, build her entourage and rep, minimizing her lame stalking. No man wants a woman who's chasing after him, calling him constantly. The Rules go double with a celebrity. Like I know...

Half Pint hurt herself on DWTS--and no Ma and Pa to tend to her wounds!

Amanda Bynes, stop drinking and get back to work. We want What a Girl Wants II. She is so darling. I hate to imagine her loaded on whiskey sours.

Bikini shot of Julia and I noticed...a tattoo in the bitch spot. You know what this means, don't you? Dish needs one.

Santorum dropping out of race. Hmmmmm. VP candidate?

And who is this new group One Direction? Do I need to know about them? Am still pondering the cultural relevance of Justin Bieber (the haircut is getting olddddd).

Ps. Today Steven Seagal turns really old.