Matthew McConaughey's Manorexia Made Me Eat a BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger!

Have you seen the recent photos of Matty-poo? I won't publish them here, because it's like a fashion week runway show. The minute I saw his gaunt physique, I cried a little, then ran for that juicy burger with fries. An hour later I ate three chocolate truffles along with my supplement (vitamins). His hideous skinniness is for a movie role. These extremes can only mean he's going for the gold, i.e. Oscar. Deprettying really impresses the academy, especially when your beauty is proportionate to the amount of ugliness you endure. I'm talking to you, Charlize, Tom Hanks, Gwyneth, Daniel Day and Heath in Heaven. I pray McConaughey will stop this The Machinist regime and get back to being shirtless on the beach. He's not my type (see TG who is hotness to the max) but I live to help others appreciate beauty in this world.

I have so much anxiety. I'm worried about the election. TG and I forget to watch Vegas each week, which means Michael Chiklis doesn't know how much we love him. Our ulcers rip open with each episode of Cupcake Wars and Florian's vicious criticism of artificial flavors. Yeah, how does red velvet get that way naturally, Flore? Do we have to bleed for you?

I'm such a mess, I started watching The Next Best Thing -- bad movie comfort food. I learn so much each time I watch it:

I think Madonna saw Rupert Everett as so awesome with Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding that she had to steal him AND the real-life boyfriend Benjamin Bratt. Girls are so competitive!

Michael Vartan is like stone. Sort of like in every movie but sometimes that works, like when Dish watched Never Been Kissed 500 million times. No wait, that was someone else.

With his posh accent, Rupert hauls dirt in LA somewhere. I'm not quite sure what Rupert does, but I don't buy it. He's not a manual labor guy (Nothing wrong with it, I like it). Tax attorney, pundit, academic, museum curator, maybe.

I never knew this but it's so logical and happens all the time: the 100% gay best friend gets drunk and can't help but sleep with his female friend. Then again, if it's Madonna, I might close my eyes and hope for the best...

Girls never ever keep track of their periods, especially Madonna. She eats like a pig suddenly and then consults her calendar, going back months. Sorry, I call BS.

Yoga is the only way to get a banging bod.

I love how Madonna tries to play a more passive female. Her character is quite likeable, someone I'd totally hang with. I almost kinda believe it, too, if it weren't for THE ACCENT.

But you have to love someone who does whatever the hell she wants. I need a cookie.

Did You Watch the VMAs?

The big news was that Beyonce is preggo. The baby is due in February (which in celeb-speak means January). Dish thinks she looks a little further along than 3 or 4 months. I'm thinking Beyonce is America's sweetheart and has been for a very long time. And preggo or not, she danced her face off on last night's show. So, the VMAs were just okay. Nothing too drastic other than Gaga's being in drag, her monologue and flirting with Britney. I would have loved to see a makeout session but Brit has become very Stepford of late. I guess she doesn't want to shock her "babies." Actually, it would have been funner to see Kanye and Jay Z make out. The VMAs reminded me of how much I love Bruno Mars.

A shocker of a twist: It seems Lost star Matthew Fox punched a woman in Cleveland after she wouldn't let him on her party bus. It's tough once you're no longer on a hit show. Also tough knowing that you're not the greatest actor but can do the good-guy thing really, really well--but so can Jon Tenney and Michael Vartan and Vartan's biggest vice seems to be online poker (which he admitted on Regis and Kelli and, yes, it's sad that I know this). Bad things (and bad TV shows) happen in Cleveland. Punching a woman in face/stomach = in need of serious therapy and, oh, I don't know...JAIL?