Did John Touch the Wrong Throbbing Member*

That woke you up, didn't it? You're wondering, which John? I know a John. Uh oh. Don't worry, it's John Travolta who's now being picked apart for allegedly grabbing a massage therapist's appendage. If it's true, ewwwww. His camp claims he wasn't there to grab anything. Poor guy tends to attract scandalous gay headlines. He's married to Kelly Preston (I love her) so I'm sure he did nothing wrong, but J-Trav is so guilty of wearing those bad, bad wigs and some stinker films.

Woody Allen went to Phillipe with Lindsay Lohan 24 hours after I was there. If it had been the same night, I would have choked on my Peking duck. Then, after criticizing Woody for years over his personal life and film failures, I would have magically transformed into his biggest fan, perhaps even crying a little over such an epic sighting. "At least he married the girl," TG says.

Lost star Matthew Fox is lost after getting busted for DUI. He previously was in the news for drunkenness and punching a lady in the crotch in Cleveland (this should be a country western song).

Today's question: How long before Tanning Mom gets her own TV show? How did owners of Meow allow this kitty to get so fat and die?

Rest in peace, George Lindsey, Goober Pyle from The Andy Griffith Show. This show bored me. I will do the whistle in Goober's honor.

Allegedly, angry Tweeters are seething over the choice of Duran Duran to play for the Olympics. Ha. The people who can afford to attend would mostly be above 30, which would make Duran Duran a semi-logical choice. It's not as if The Beatles could play. The Rolling Stones, maybe? Elton's done just about every venue. Paul McCartney just played the Superbowl. I dunno, why not Duran Duran?

I'm not at all biased.

*Apologies to my relatives.

Conrad Murray Is Guilty

This verdict wasn't rocket science. Dishfamilymember says propofol is awesome. Not to be used at home. Not to administer and then you leave the room. My melancholy over the verdict exists because this case had so many layers. Michael Jackson was abused/abused himself for decades and now only one person is going to jail. There are many other guilty parties. As in Thackeray's Vanity Fair, there are no heroes here.

Allegedy: Matthew Fox is suing the Cleveland woman who said he punched her in the vadge when she wouldn't let him get on her party bus. That's a country song! Justin Bieber will submit to DNA test to prove he's not the babydaddy and then he's gonna sue the nonbabymama. Herman Cain has a fourth woman, beckybeckybeckystan (I don't know the name, do you?), coming forward to say he did some sexual harassing. Is his campaign over?

Taking the high road: The Kardashians loved the SNL spoof on Kim's marriage. I love that.

Lindsay Lohan served 4.5 hours in jail. Lame! Back to the clubs.

Did You Watch the VMAs?

The big news was that Beyonce is preggo. The baby is due in February (which in celeb-speak means January). Dish thinks she looks a little further along than 3 or 4 months. I'm thinking Beyonce is America's sweetheart and has been for a very long time. And preggo or not, she danced her face off on last night's show. So, the VMAs were just okay. Nothing too drastic other than Gaga's being in drag, her monologue and flirting with Britney. I would have loved to see a makeout session but Brit has become very Stepford of late. I guess she doesn't want to shock her "babies." Actually, it would have been funner to see Kanye and Jay Z make out. The VMAs reminded me of how much I love Bruno Mars.

A shocker of a twist: It seems Lost star Matthew Fox punched a woman in Cleveland after she wouldn't let him on her party bus. It's tough once you're no longer on a hit show. Also tough knowing that you're not the greatest actor but can do the good-guy thing really, really well--but so can Jon Tenney and Michael Vartan and Vartan's biggest vice seems to be online poker (which he admitted on Regis and Kelli and, yes, it's sad that I know this). Bad things (and bad TV shows) happen in Cleveland. Punching a woman in face/stomach = in need of serious therapy and, oh, I don't know...JAIL?