Phase 1: Steal Underpants

If anyone knows where this headline comes from (and you're not TG), you win an autographed dish from Dish!

Daniel Craig allegedly called the Kardashians "f*cking idiots" in January's issue of GQ. This James Bond rules. Waiting patiently for him to send Rachel 'round for tea and girl-talk on newlywed bliss, my treat. Ever since The Constant Gardener, I've imagined we're best friends.

Marie Osmond has had some scary facial work done. I love my Marie. She's a faintin' Jenny Craigin' re-marryin'-first-husband Mormon masterpiece goddess. She had me at "Which Way You Goin', Billy" way back in the 70s. I even had the doll with the leafy purple dress. But I hate it when my icons' faces are smoother than mine.

Quickies that are so disturbing I can't delve too deep: Conrad Murray sentenced to four years which is not a lot, the Norway massacre-er deemed insane like what was your first clue, Alexis from RHoOC got a nose job and looks just like everyone else thank jebus, Britney Spears is reading a book and it's a funny thing that deals with things about love, Herman Cain rethinking his campaign after another woman comes forward about wayward wang tendencies--which makes the Republicans an even more fun bunch, Miranda Kerr on Dish-Sh*t-List for ALSO claiming she was ugly growing up. Boo!

RIP, Patrice O'Neal, leaving this earth too soon at 41.

Oscar Hissies

The big news is that Brett Ratner resigned/was fired from producing the Oscars after many offensive comments. Was it the fag remark rather than his usual--often violent--misogyny that did him in? He always struck me as a Gigantic Tool, but the world is so politically correct. No one can say anything. Worst of all, Eddie is gone, too! He would have been an interesting host. Make no mistake, I find Ratner to be a vile creature but I still hate that this happened.

Herman Cain: More sexual harassment charges. He says he'd take a lie detector test. Oh really? Speaking of pizza, Mariah has lost her baby weight. Wonder when it'll come back on because she yoyos--which I'm all for because that's reality. I'm told Glee was positively gorgeous last night. Was sex and Darren Criss involved?

Dish is going to read Sartre's Les Mots, about some chick who becomes crazy when she hangs out with someone crazy. I will read in the original French because It's French Existentialist Wednesday!

Conrad Murray Is Guilty

This verdict wasn't rocket science. Dishfamilymember says propofol is awesome. Not to be used at home. Not to administer and then you leave the room. My melancholy over the verdict exists because this case had so many layers. Michael Jackson was abused/abused himself for decades and now only one person is going to jail. There are many other guilty parties. As in Thackeray's Vanity Fair, there are no heroes here.

Allegedy: Matthew Fox is suing the Cleveland woman who said he punched her in the vadge when she wouldn't let him get on her party bus. That's a country song! Justin Bieber will submit to DNA test to prove he's not the babydaddy and then he's gonna sue the nonbabymama. Herman Cain has a fourth woman, beckybeckybeckystan (I don't know the name, do you?), coming forward to say he did some sexual harassing. Is his campaign over?

Taking the high road: The Kardashians loved the SNL spoof on Kim's marriage. I love that.

Lindsay Lohan served 4.5 hours in jail. Lame! Back to the clubs.

Dish Can See Tom Brady Crying

TG is watching the game, which is a manly Sunday thing to do. Football is full of stars, like Gisele who's married to the currently losing quarterback, Tom Brady. The two are both so pretty I hate them. No really, I'm not that petty. TG and I always get this reaction when people see us. I may not look like Gisele in Victoria's Secret, but I can relate to her travails. Beauty X 2 is a curse.

Heidi Klum wins Halloween yet again. She scares me with her Auf Wiederzein, her perfect delivery and those Stepford eyes. Fear of her keeps me from Project Runway and worship of Tim Gunn. Her body costume makes her even more scary to Dish.

Herman Cain: His new campaign ad, showing his campaign manager smoking, has gone viral. Genius! When you don't have money for bloated, corny TV ads, go bananas and outrage the PC police. It's sad we live in a world where a smoker shocks people. Twenty years ago, everyone smoked in movies. Be who you are was the message of the ad and my friends who smoke would love this. Dish smoked for 20 years and even though I can't stand the smell, people DO smoke. I don't care as long as it's not around me. The damage is done and more folks could ride bikes instead of fart around in their cars. Face the Nation's Bob Schieffer got all pissy at Cain for having this smoking in the ad, as if sex and violence on TV weren't as toxic in the media. Cain amuses me. I would never vote for him. His abortion beliefs alone turn me off, but he's fun.

Lindsay finally got her teeth done. And her nose looks different too. It's the Irish nose TG threatens come home with after a two-week trip overseas this coming January.

Fresh from her Leonardo DiCaprio breakup, Blake Lively has allegedly introduced Ryan Reynolds to her family. Ry probably makes her laugh. He does have more star-power now that Leo has gone the Serious Movie route. Wouldn't it be nice if Leo did ONE romantic comedy? J. Edgar looks like a big bore called The Aviator.