So, Leann Wasn't Crying Yesterday...

But I was. Today has been smooth sailing except:


Screw you, Downton Abbey. I'm fine with the drama of Sunday's episode, but how could you put everyone in such hell? Poor Elizabeth McGovern and her sweet tears. DA should be all nicey nice. Then again, there was some dead wood on the show. If only they'd release Bates from jail. He could boost everyone's spirits (quiet, Dishbrother! I know you hate Bates, spit on little old ladies and kick puppies!). Also, I'm mostly eager for Edith to get laid.

The Bachelor: Sean is telling too many girls, "I'm crazy about you." I'm not sure who I want to win. Possibly the adopted girl. She's super nice, deserving, heart of gold--but can she be sexy? That's the thing I want to tell girls: having issues, acting mopey may get you attention, but it's not sexy. I wish I'd known this. Luckily, Sean sent home one of the barking-crazy girls.

Today's rumor: That Alec Baldwin impregnated his hot yoga teaching wife. Makes sense. Why wouldn't he? She could do yoga during her pregnancy. I don't like yoga. Is that bad?

Why Lindsay should just go to jail or rehab for a year. She called in sick for court tomorrow today--sudden respiratory infection--but was spotted shopping and smoking today. I can't even believe she's out on the streets. I am tired when I imagine living her life and its vicious circles.

How I'm Going to Be Famous

I've made a command decision. The way for me to get on TMZ is if I run my face into Lindsay Lohan's fist. She is brilliant at getting arrested and picked on (see today's news). Why not ride on her coattails? This will also attract the attention of my alleged true father Michael Lohan. The idea of bruising my porcelain skin does make me crave a comforting Snickers, but it's worth the extra weight on my ass a black eye if my name can be in lights. Please, Lindsay, you frozen-faced nightmare of a drunk? I don't really mean this, but isn't it worth a good POW in the jaw?

More bad behavior: Whitney/Bobby progeny broke up with her sort-of brother, to whom she was engaged, and wrecked her car. Whatever happened to reading self-help when you're depressed? Est, anyone? I'm signing her up for Dianetic testing right this second. Or...she needs a good dose of Dolly Parton who charmed the dickens out of Colbert on Tuesday night. Now there's someone who works.

Cheating: There is no longevity in celebrity marriages--with the exception of Gwen Stefani, whose cuteness should enthrall a spouse for 50 years. She goes the extra mile by appearing in full makeup at all times. Even Julia Roberts has a crush on her which means I do, too. With Gwen's perfection, why would Gavin Rossdale grab the nanny's ass? It could be innocent.

Robbing the Cradle of Civilization: If you've been living under a rock, the Middle East isn't fighting right now, which means it's safe for Kim Kardashian to go there and brush up. Just as important, Demi is boinking a boy half her age.If she hadn't married Ashton, I'm sure we wouldn't care. She was good in Margin Call.

Dish is off to see Les Miserables. Will Russell redeem himself? Why is Anne Hathaway not being pretty?

A Silly Putty Nose, Extra 50 Pounds -- Sign Me Up for Oscar!!!

Watch Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock in this new movie. Might be really good or really bad. I can't tell. I don't see Hitchcock, except for the belly in profile. By contrast, Daniel Day totally looks like (b)Abe Lincoln. I saw Daniel Day on the street a few months ago, so I may go see that goopy, sappy movie. Oh heck, I'll see Tony as Alfie too!

Hitchcock gave good twist in Psycho (and you thought you were the only one, M. Night!!!). Who can forget the steam between Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly in Rear Window? That one chilled and thrilled me. Get my tickets ready, Fandango!

We all know my stance on Lance. 11 of his former team member have now confirmed the doping charges against him. It's a moot point. I support the cancer survivor in Lance and hope everyone can move on. Maybe I can forgive his telling Dishfriend she has fat legs. No, I can't forgive! Dishfriend is one of the most ripped babes I know.

Here's what the new Jersey Boys looks like! Cannot wait to get some tickets. They are so freaking expensive. I'm not sure I should spend 600$ this year on JB. In the words of Rizzo as she's about to have unprotected sex with Kenickie: Oh, what the hell!

I'm breaking my ban on losers for one confession. I listened to the sleazy recording between La-Lohan and her despicable father--though now he might be sanest of the bunch since he was smart enough to record the conversation and sell to TMZ. Horrifying. I am sorry that this once-talented girl has to be surrounded by such maniacs. Now that she's an adult, it's on her to extract herself.

You can do it, Lindsay. You'll feel so much better not to be around a lunatic (that goes double if it's a parent). I know I do...

Star Sighting--John Larroquette!!!

4:32pm on the Uptown 1 train, wearing a white t-shirt and sunglasses, spotted by Dishbrother. "He looked like a schlump yet somehow put together." We categorized Larroquette as one of those guys, like Bill Maher: kinda gross yet perversely sexy, as in we can't tear our eyes from them. Night Court rules!

Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong is in rehab after losing his marbles at a concert. Dish wonders...which substance did him in? Was he acting like an American Idiot?

Look both ways before crossing: Amanda Bynes is now in NYC--as is Lindsay Lohan. I don't feel safe. Will carry my treasured copies of  What a Girl Wants and The Parent Trap to indicate my fandom. Would never ever film either girl running over my foot.

Because I'm me: Yes, I'm taking a vacation to go to John Taylor's NYC book signing for: In the Pleasure Groove: Life, Death and Duran Duran. Here's a question: What time do I arrive at the event? Ideally, an hour before it starts, but have feeling it will be mobbed. Even so, I can't be bothered with camping out. I've read that some are going to do this. I love John Taylor. I love myself more. What would you do, dear reader?

Cable Is Easier to Get in Outer Space!!!

So Star Trek god Sir Patrick Stewart tried to get his Time Warner Cable hooked up but got no service, lackadaisical response and outage-ness (like his belly button?). PS got so pissed he took to Twitter, then got instant response because he's a star. Dishmama got the runaround from TWC for MONTHS so she switched to Fios. And so did we.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for leaving scene of accident. Her victim seems to be a scheister so she might be right this time about being set up.

Our favorite trampire Kristen Stewart might be back together with Robert Pattinson, just in time for the latest Twilight movie premiere. I stopped at the Dakota Fanning one. I have no emotional investment in this story.

Shakira's hips don't lie. She's preggo! Thank goodness. We've been waiting forever for her to get knocked up.

Blog readership seems to be down so I'll just talk about me, if no one's reading: I'm middle-aged, barren, my manicure just chipped and I have arthritis!!! (I can live with this)

I Think I Need To Give Up Meat and Frito's

Dish pulled a Britney and devoured a whole bag of Frito's at 11pm, justifying that I needed "fuel to continue working." Then I finished the marinated beef TG made for dinner. This morning, I feel like Merritt Parkway roadkill. No more junk food and meat. Dishmama will have to work that much harder to fatten me up (there's always cake).

Lindsay Lohan is in more trouble. Maybe she should just go directly to jail. If she's a jewel thief, she's a bad one as she keeps getting caught. Go to college and take some humanities courses, Lindz. There's a big world out there. In the meantime, I'm going to blame Lindsay for everything that goes wrong in my life.

I know many of you despaired over my existential misery at the last Duran Duran concert at Foxwoods. Never fear! I signed up to be a "GOLD" (Spandau Ballet song) member of their fan club, which means lots of merchandise and access to stuff! I'm not sure I have time for full-on psychosis but what the hay. Don't tell TG.

Last night, I tried to watch Bachelor Pad, but TG protested, saying it wasn't "virile" enough. So we watched Cupcake Wars instead. I insisted that Florian wears lipstick, but TG maintain the French pastry master's ruby red lips are perfectly natural.

Will This Slow Down Dick and Liz?

Lindsay Lohan was just in a horrific car crash with totaled car. She allegedly went to the emergency room and claimed the truck cut her off. Hope Lifetime can pay the insurance!

Oh God, I'm too depressed even to give this one iota of my time. Miracle/windfall needed. I'm tired of putting forth effort. Can't move my neck.

Did John Touch the Wrong Throbbing Member*

That woke you up, didn't it? You're wondering, which John? I know a John. Uh oh. Don't worry, it's John Travolta who's now being picked apart for allegedly grabbing a massage therapist's appendage. If it's true, ewwwww. His camp claims he wasn't there to grab anything. Poor guy tends to attract scandalous gay headlines. He's married to Kelly Preston (I love her) so I'm sure he did nothing wrong, but J-Trav is so guilty of wearing those bad, bad wigs and some stinker films.

Woody Allen went to Phillipe with Lindsay Lohan 24 hours after I was there. If it had been the same night, I would have choked on my Peking duck. Then, after criticizing Woody for years over his personal life and film failures, I would have magically transformed into his biggest fan, perhaps even crying a little over such an epic sighting. "At least he married the girl," TG says.

Lost star Matthew Fox is lost after getting busted for DUI. He previously was in the news for drunkenness and punching a lady in the crotch in Cleveland (this should be a country western song).

Today's question: How long before Tanning Mom gets her own TV show? How did owners of Meow allow this kitty to get so fat and die?

Rest in peace, George Lindsey, Goober Pyle from The Andy Griffith Show. This show bored me. I will do the whistle in Goober's honor.

Allegedly, angry Tweeters are seething over the choice of Duran Duran to play for the Olympics. Ha. The people who can afford to attend would mostly be above 30, which would make Duran Duran a semi-logical choice. It's not as if The Beatles could play. The Rolling Stones, maybe? Elton's done just about every venue. Paul McCartney just played the Superbowl. I dunno, why not Duran Duran?

I'm not at all biased.

*Apologies to my relatives.

Comedy Central at The White House Correspondents Dinner

Dish spent too much time hooked on mundane moments at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Stiff people standing and greeting each other. But TG was making Pad Thai and what could I do? Read Balzac? Please. (tho I do love the Balz--esp Père Goriot)

The excitement began at 10-ish with Obama's roast. Prezzie seemed at ease, though am I the only one who thought "the delicious pitbull" pun was an odd cunnilingus joke? Michelle looked positively baffled and a little horrified. Lots of dog-eating in his speech, though Dish is down with off-color jokes to break the ice. Then came Kimmel who seemed very nervous. He did a lovely job, had some jokes that made TG howl (one of my fave sights) along with some stinkers. Seal of Approval, JK.

You knew there would be slams against Lindsay and Kim and, despite this, these gals both looked beautiful. I will say this about the Kardashians: They are all great sports. They laugh along with the jokes and never seem miffed -- a good lesson for us all. I've done my own criticizing of these two. It's so easy. I don't think enough about how hard it must be for them to receive constant negativity.

No, I can't give up criticism entirely. Then I'd be Gen-Y and expect praise for extracting a large booger from my nose.

"I Have a Little Bit of a Temper"

Am I brain damaged or was the Mel Gibson interview on the Tonight Show really strange, disturbing, yet a smidgeon reasonable? It sort of was like Real Housewives in that it involved a group of unlikeable people, venting publicly. Eszterhas seems to loathe women, as does Gibson, they fought, and Jay, well, he has no filter. I guess I never warmed to him after Johnny Carson left, and the Conan fiasco was truly barbaric. He seems to smile away the bad stuff, like when Hugh Grant got caught with the prostitute and he had that "What were you thinking?" line. And yet, despite the insanity, I can't bring myself to throw away my Lethal Weapon DVDs. Luckily, Conspiracy Theory has Julia, thus is a keeper for life.

Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian are at the White House Correspondents Dinner, guests of Fox News. There will be jokes, made by more liberal media (anything is more liberal than Fox!), which will backfire. We've heard enough about these two.

Buffy is preggo with baby #2.

Thank you to Nick Rhodes for his liberal use of eye makeup these last 29 years. I had an errand to run, my face was wan from too much indoor time. I thought of Nick and took out my black eyeliner. It gave me a boost.

Happy Birthday, Babs and Shirl!!!

First, we must give thanks to the lives of Barbra and Shirley, whose birthdays are today. Happy Birthday, you fierce Tauruses! You girls inspire me. Here's some epic Babs and Shirl that'll make your knees weak.

Sorry for the less than dynamic segue but Lindsay Lohan was cast as Elizabeth Taylor for a new Lifetime movie. Dish feels mixed. If this had been the Lindsay of 10 years ago, I would have said BRILLIANT casting. She can look like Elizabeth and act. But she's been terrible of late in movies, like her muscles have atrophied. There is lots of gasket blowing over this casting, which is perfect for building the hype. That's all a movie needs these days--buzz and hype, not necessarily content or talent. Rosie O'Donnell, Star Jones, Michael Lohan, and Donnie Deutsch have weighed in, and you know these are the ones we all look to for up-to-date opinions. That was mean. I do actually listen to them. Can't resist Rosie's sass!

So, if it weren't for goddesses like Shirl and Babs, I'd give up. The Kardashians rule the world. They just got a 40million+$ deal from E for more reality. And will I watch them? Absolutely yes not. They are geniuses the vile scourge of the universe. Maybe I'll donate time and brain cells to more satisfying causes -- like literature and indies.

Are Mila and Ashton really dating? That's cute. I'm still not over the Demi/Ashton breakup but I have to move on at some point. And--Kleenex dab--they're adorable together, like two string beans fried up in butter with almond shavings.

I need more dinner.

Julia, Lindsay and Rush

I saw Julia on the cover of Vanity Fair and purchased immediately. I love this rag. It's one of those magazines that one can savor all day. As I pored over the Julia interview, I remembered why she and I should be best friends (Mike Nichols is welcome to our GF club, too). We're just so similar on the planet where all my dreams come true. Can't wait to see Mirror Mirror!

People are bashing Lindsay Lohan's SNL performance but I can't fault her. The writing has been super-stinky. I gave the show a fighting chance for 35 years. Maybe it's the format itself that should be changed.

Rush Limbaugh needs hospitalization for his outbursts, though one shouldn't be surprised. He's said ludicrous things for so long. For those who are outraged by his latest rant, just remember he's sort of stayed in the same place for the last decade. No moving up any ladder. Super-insane people tend to implode like this. Rush is very, very fat.

According to Page Six, Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray were in the same restaurant, at the same time. Martha allegedly shot daggers at Rachael and the latter got her meal to go. I wonder if this is true. Dish likes Martha and Rachael. Why pit them against each other? There's room for both.

Duran Duran's in Dubai Dubai!

Celebrating a Survivor--Elizabeth Smart

I remember an afternoon in March, 2003, running on a treadmill, probably feelin' ennui when it flashed on the TV screen that Elizabeth Smart had been found alive after a nine-month abduction. I started crying openly in the gym, in front of everyone. I had to leave and then I cried some more on the way home. Life is good! She'd gone through something so horrible. People usually don't survive this, but this brave girl survived that and all the years after. She just got married two weeks ago. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Okay, let's move on to a travesty. Lindsay Lohan allegedly was cast to play Elizabeth Taylor in a movie (Lifetime, I think, but still) about her love with Richard Burton. What do you think of that, J.J.? Are you bleeding from the eyes? Because I am! Wondering which bland TV star will be cast as Richard....

Wait. There's more. Listen to this garbage and feel inflamed (in more than the hemorrhoidal, STD way) by Rick Santorum's out of touch rantings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrZtlnsBq_Y.

And if you weren't already outraged: That cute little girl on E.T. might have a bun in the oven. Yes, Drew Barrymore was caught carrying a sonogram, coming out of a doctor's office with her beau. Guys usually don't GO to doctor appointments unless baby related, he's violently whipped, or it's serious. Shocking that Fury is even having sex at her age.

The last rumor that seems so ridiculous but time will tell: Booby Brown might be reviving his tell-all book about life with Whitney. Get a ghostwriter, STAT, because something else will take center stage.

Spoiler alert for last night's The Bachelor: I was wrong about who should win. Well, she got voted off and in the Rejection Limo proved she let out months' worth of pent-up wild sobbing. But seriously, she seemed like a nice girl. Now I put all my money on Lyndzi. Sadly, The Bachelor will most likely follow his 'nads and pick the bad girl who skinny-dipped with him. Mood-swinging naked model trumps all.

What I Learned from Last Night's Criminal Minds

Dean Cain played an insane man who kills people and wins lots of money when he stops sleeping. Dish doesn't sleep either. It may turn me homicidal but at least I'll be rich! And when the stuff goes down, Joe Montegna can sweet-talk me with laughable BS--that I'm not like all the other killers, that the place is surrounded, that he'll "get me out of this." The best part is further confirmation that Garcia has the coolest array of glasses and I want to be her with her delightful pudge, boundless knowledge and zest for life. My purple turtleshell Tom Ford frames may need an upgrade to HOT PINK. Long live Kristen Vangsness!

Tonight Dish is attending Mama Gena's Radical Step Intro Course. I hope it's fun and not just three hours of encouragement to enroll in the program, which costs way too much for Dish's meager pennies. I just wanna see Mama Gena in action and I need to get my groove back. There's a pink boa and French maid's uniform with my name on it!

Divorced couple Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter caught canoodling again! They're doing Dexter-aholics a mitzvah. We love this couple.

Russell Brand is probably the coolest person ever. He wants none of Katy Perry's money from their marriage (she made 44 million). Can you hear TG crying with confused rage? He would find this deplorable but understandable on a deeper level (maybe that's my wishful thinking).

The Lindsay Lohan downward spiral continues with new pics of her looking about 45 with what appears to be botched work but then my eyes aren't so good.

She's Gotta Go to Rehab, She Said Maybe, Maybe, Maybe But Only as Outpatient

Like that works for someone who keeps crawling back into the bottle/pipe! Addiction is scary so let's send Brooke Mueller healing vibes. She seems to have a serious, serious problem. Those two boys are cute, she's pretty so why can't everything be perfect? Who knew chaos would ensue all those years ago when she swooshed into Sheen's life moments after Denise left him. Those kids need non-dysfunctional nannies to raise them. As I write this frantic post, Fantasia herself is in labor.

Ah, women in transition. Creating and destroying. Dish spent the evening checking out stars in unflattering bikinis on radaronline.com. It made me feel so much better to see Cindy Crawford's normal lady gut. Another piece of banana bread for me. If they can jiggle, so can I!

Lindsay got her purse stolen in Hawaii. Didn't this happen when she went to Cannes and had to face the judge but couldn't get back because she had no ID? She is like a modern-day Job this one.

Just caught up with Dexter. The show seems to want Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall to make out and this must be *so* uncomfortable for them. Jen has looked haggard this season and I wonder, how is she coping? He seems to have moved on quickly. The finale looks fantastic. Even TG, who says Dexter is "stupid", gazed fixedly at the preview. Collin Hanks wasn't as frightening as Trinity, but he's better than last season.

Lindsay Lohan's Leaked Playboy Pics...

...are not wildly amazing, though her body is celebrity-tastic with her "blond" hair, huge gazongas and skinny legs. She is artfully arranged on a bed like Marilyn. Zzzzz.

Though not a fan of J. Edgar, I loved Hereafter. My friends didn't. Then again, I love woo-woo material as long as it seems realistic (i.e. not Harry Potter but big yes for The Gift) and this one explores life after death with three stories. Matt Damon plays a John Edward psychic character, though much poorer and more temperate. At one point the French subtitles disappeared, which caused me panic until I remembered I'm fluent so I just sat back and enjoyed the music of the frogs. A little cheesy at the end, but enjoyed. Nicely done, Clint.

Thanks to the artistry of JJ, I am very Annette Bening these days with short hair. Someone said that I was more Meg Ryan from City of Angels. I'll take it!

Conrad Murray Is Guilty

This verdict wasn't rocket science. Dishfamilymember says propofol is awesome. Not to be used at home. Not to administer and then you leave the room. My melancholy over the verdict exists because this case had so many layers. Michael Jackson was abused/abused himself for decades and now only one person is going to jail. There are many other guilty parties. As in Thackeray's Vanity Fair, there are no heroes here.

Allegedy: Matthew Fox is suing the Cleveland woman who said he punched her in the vadge when she wouldn't let him get on her party bus. That's a country song! Justin Bieber will submit to DNA test to prove he's not the babydaddy and then he's gonna sue the nonbabymama. Herman Cain has a fourth woman, beckybeckybeckystan (I don't know the name, do you?), coming forward to say he did some sexual harassing. Is his campaign over?

Taking the high road: The Kardashians loved the SNL spoof on Kim's marriage. I love that.

Lindsay Lohan served 4.5 hours in jail. Lame! Back to the clubs.

You are NOT Joyce DeWitt!

As I write this, KK must be flying back to the US to face her subjects. Dish watched the interviews and she did look a little shell-shocked--but fabulous skin and gloss! What's making bigger news is Kris Jenner's utterly awful "Indian Giver" comment on The Today Show. Along with the Native Americans, we Little People are offended that she would scoff at someone wanting a 2 million dollar ring back. Does she have any idea how wretched her comment was on many levels? The best managerial advice Dish could give is to go away for a while and then come back. Britney did it. Lindsay's gotta do it too.

Rumor has it Billy Crudup and Grace Gummer, both in Tom Stoppard's Acadia, are an item. A powerful coupling that brings him ever so close to Claire Danes, who's acted in a few films with Grace's moms Meryl. For me, it's a fairly worthy alliance as Billy C. stole Eat Pray Love.

Porky's actor Wyatt Knight was found dead of an apparent suicide. Blessings on his coming and going.

What are YOU looking at?

Signora Brunetta Largia Buttica gave an interview in Australia about her newly ended marriage and I couldn't tell if she was really upset, in shock or just playing--the face is that frozen. She did say "you know" repeatedly which demonstrates to me a high level of brainlessness. Dish says "you know" a lot too. I think it started with Gen X. More reading needed.

Today's Star: Ethan Zohn who found out a couple months ago that his Hodgin's Lymphoma had returned. But he is in treatment and we can pray that he sails right through this! He is one of the first celebs I spotted in the city (Grammercy area) so I have a soft spot even though I've never watched Survivor.

The big news is Justin Bieber and his paternity suit. I'm sorry. I didn't realize he'd even gotten his pubes. It seems so verbotten that he's having sex at his age.

This just in: Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 30 days in jail. Which means three hours. Toxicology reports that Bubba Smith died from an overdose of diet pills. Wrong on so many levels. Dish used to take "diet chocolates" at age 12. My grandmother, with whom I was staying, had no idea. The chocolates were so delicious--I kept eating them! Jittery pre-pubescent Dish = scary. I wound up fatter than ever. Diets don't work too well for me. I find if you move your tukkus a little each day, you don't need to diet.

Dish Can See Tom Brady Crying

TG is watching the game, which is a manly Sunday thing to do. Football is full of stars, like Gisele who's married to the currently losing quarterback, Tom Brady. The two are both so pretty I hate them. No really, I'm not that petty. TG and I always get this reaction when people see us. I may not look like Gisele in Victoria's Secret, but I can relate to her travails. Beauty X 2 is a curse.

Heidi Klum wins Halloween yet again. She scares me with her Auf Wiederzein, her perfect delivery and those Stepford eyes. Fear of her keeps me from Project Runway and worship of Tim Gunn. Her body costume makes her even more scary to Dish.

Herman Cain: His new campaign ad, showing his campaign manager smoking, has gone viral. Genius! When you don't have money for bloated, corny TV ads, go bananas and outrage the PC police. It's sad we live in a world where a smoker shocks people. Twenty years ago, everyone smoked in movies. Be who you are was the message of the ad and my friends who smoke would love this. Dish smoked for 20 years and even though I can't stand the smell, people DO smoke. I don't care as long as it's not around me. The damage is done and more folks could ride bikes instead of fart around in their cars. Face the Nation's Bob Schieffer got all pissy at Cain for having this smoking in the ad, as if sex and violence on TV weren't as toxic in the media. Cain amuses me. I would never vote for him. His abortion beliefs alone turn me off, but he's fun.

Lindsay finally got her teeth done. And her nose looks different too. It's the Irish nose TG threatens come home with after a two-week trip overseas this coming January.

Fresh from her Leonardo DiCaprio breakup, Blake Lively has allegedly introduced Ryan Reynolds to her family. Ry probably makes her laugh. He does have more star-power now that Leo has gone the Serious Movie route. Wouldn't it be nice if Leo did ONE romantic comedy? J. Edgar looks like a big bore called The Aviator.