So, Leann Wasn't Crying Yesterday...

But I was. Today has been smooth sailing except:


Screw you, Downton Abbey. I'm fine with the drama of Sunday's episode, but how could you put everyone in such hell? Poor Elizabeth McGovern and her sweet tears. DA should be all nicey nice. Then again, there was some dead wood on the show. If only they'd release Bates from jail. He could boost everyone's spirits (quiet, Dishbrother! I know you hate Bates, spit on little old ladies and kick puppies!). Also, I'm mostly eager for Edith to get laid.

The Bachelor: Sean is telling too many girls, "I'm crazy about you." I'm not sure who I want to win. Possibly the adopted girl. She's super nice, deserving, heart of gold--but can she be sexy? That's the thing I want to tell girls: having issues, acting mopey may get you attention, but it's not sexy. I wish I'd known this. Luckily, Sean sent home one of the barking-crazy girls.

Today's rumor: That Alec Baldwin impregnated his hot yoga teaching wife. Makes sense. Why wouldn't he? She could do yoga during her pregnancy. I don't like yoga. Is that bad?

Why Lindsay should just go to jail or rehab for a year. She called in sick for court tomorrow today--sudden respiratory infection--but was spotted shopping and smoking today. I can't even believe she's out on the streets. I am tired when I imagine living her life and its vicious circles.

Poor LeAnn Rimes!

Remember the days when all LeAnn did was sing? Now she's flashing the bikini, getting into twitter wars, and is becoming the butt of so much yick. The latest craziness occurred on X Factor when LeAnn appeared with this young girl and kinda of acted strange. Some say she was drunk. Dish just doesn't think she practiced singing with the girl and felt super-awkward. The girl was great. I don't know. Maybe I worry too much? I want LeAnn to come out of this in one piece and just sing.

Then on the other side of normal is Claire Danes who gave birth to Cyrus Michael Angelo Einstein Fancy Dancy Pants. I only care that Homeland continues.

Dish had a marvelous time at Jersey Boys. Told the ushers it was my fifth time but they weren't impressed. Male usher told me I should wear something red (ole!) so that the cast could see me better, making me a real whore groupie. The ushers told me the lady next to me had seen it 191 times. Superfan showed me pictures of her with the cast, told me how nice "John" and "Jarrod" and "Matt" were. Ya know "John" answers all his fan mail? The music thrills me, as always. Can't wait to see it again next week!

It's Important to Look Pretty When You Cry

I have a friend who looks terrible when he/she cries. I don't say anything and just wait it out. When I cry, I make sure that my face doesn't move too much. I also swallow my sorrow as much as possible so that I only have those romantic tears rolling down my face, like Meryl Streep. Good thing no one saw me this morning wracked with agonized sobs all the way through Hope Springs starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. Watch it not only for the geezer sex but also for the repressed lady fashions and stellar weeping.

It's sad enough when a normal person doesn't cry pretty but when a star looks bad crying, it's like 12/21/12 end of the world. I'm talking to you, Laura Dern, Diane Keaton, Kim Kardashian...and LeAnn Rimes. This last one gives an interview--airing Sunday on E!--where she sobs about having an affair on her first husband with her current husband. LeAnn is very pretty, but when she cries in this interview, her eyes twitch unevenly, those giant nostrils contract, but no real tears spew forth. This makes me suspicious that it could be fake. As a singer, she can easily make the voice wobble. If LeAnn is going to play out her life in public, she needs to learn how to cry. Watch Julia, Meryl and Demi Moore as much as possible. Only boys fake cry. I'm talking to you, Ed Harris in Stepmom.

I've never fake cried--okay once, but it turned into real cry because it was so pathetic. At least I'm sort of gorgeous when I cry.*

*Not a word, Dishfamily.

Un Petit Petit News

LeAnn Rimes checked into some kind of treatment center over possible anxiety issues. Oh, LeAnn, can I come too??? I have anxiety. My stomach hurts and I can't sleep. Plus, I can't sing. Let us all pray that LeAnn comes out of this singing and laying off the bikinis.

Giuliana and Bill Rancic have a baby boy: Edward Duke. Finally, a not-strange celebrity name. This baby might turn out okay.

There's this painful rumor going around that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are dating. My whole body started shaking with pleasure when I read this. Do you remember when they had this TORRID affair on 90210 and he cheated on Brenda while she was in England? Then Brenda came home all skinny and mean. I even remember the cheating song: Damn, I wish I was your lover. Please, please let this be true. BRANDON AND KELLY FOREVER!!!!

Barry Manilow at Radio City Tonight!

There are no words, except FANILOWS UNITE! I'm trying to contain my excitement because it feels as if I'm cheating on Duran Duran. I love Barry! I hope his hip replacement work tonight. I'm ready to sing and dance and revel in being 13 again.

Khloe and Lamar are ending their show after the second season. Doesn't that sound so reasonable? Reality shows should come with a time limit. Real life takes priority. I'm going to try to watch less reality TV, though all will go to hell when The Bachelorette returns with Emily Maynard.

If it weren't for Barry, I'd say it's a Monday:

My browser seems to be flooded once again with LeAnn Rimes bikini shots. She used to be a SINGER. What happened? It's as if she went from having a career to being Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, as if that's a step up.

Some fallout from the Kimmel Correspondents' Dinner speech. Keith Olbermann zinged JK for his cracks. Why are my feelings so mixed? Keith is just so yicky, polarizing, but he is entertaining as sh*t. It's hard for me to imagine him not on TV and, yet, his diva ways make it so. Perhaps he could take over Khloe and Lamar's time slot. Keith Kardashian.

Smash: Getting Under My Skin

I resisted the hype of Smash, even pooh-poohed the first few episodes and said, I've seen it before. Well, I have. And I haven't. Now I'm obsessed with the show, fully relishing the behind-the-scene antics of a musical. Maybe because Dish was in the chorus for Fiddler on the Roof way back in middle school? Or that Debra Messing is the only one over-40 who hasn't adopted the excess-filler-trout mouth. She looks so normal and beautiful, which is why I will continue to watch Smashed. Plus, the McPhee is hypnotic.

This helped me cope with the vile photos of Donald Trump's son triumphantly holding a tusk while standing next to a dead elephant. Now I *really* hate that family. Then again, as I kill a cockroach, I like watching the guts fly out. The shiny coat makes pretty earrings.

Heartwarming celebrity moment: The sight of Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes on a blanket watching a soccer game together. It brought me to tears.

Reflexive Duran Duran Nightmares

The stars I love most plagued my psyche. I dreamed that a blond Meg Ryan type was hired to sing lead (where was Simon?) for Duran Duran during their current tour. I was nice to her, helped her out with NYC info. She had a suspect older man/husband lying on the crappy hotel bed, managing her career. When she had to rehearse, I tried hard not to push my agenda. Dish has a longstanding policy of being polite to celebs in person*, listening but not asking for anything, this due in part to effort in maintaining upright stance. Sadly, as Meg was leaving, I couldn't help saying, "Please tell the band that meeting them is the only thing on my Bucket List." True, yet an embarrassing slip. These awful dreams were interspersed with real Dish waking to read The Help, which is amazing. I'm somehow feeling related to the maids not daring to ask for more and doing covert things to inch closer to success and vindication. The mind is so complicated. I'm not a black maid from the 1960s but a privileged white woman who's had everything and is lucky/happy in personal life without needing three jobs to support the family (I only have 2). Despite this, I still have mild psychological and, occasionally, circumstantial turmoil. Dish is spending the day with some nonfiction.

Inside Job: Very compelling--even if you flunked Economics 101 at Oberlin College--with excellent narration by Matt Damon. Dish learned all about derivatives and deregulation and what f*ckers the banks are. Might be switching to less corrupt institutions. Know of any?

Rumor has it the McCartney marriage is happening this weekend. And in dirt: If online rags are to be believed, Liev Schreiber was caught cheating but maybe it's all BS to promote a movie coming out. It's been a while since we've seen his brilliance. More pictures of LeAnn Rimes being superskinny surface. Dish has examined the photos, the musculature and *knows* you have to work really hard to be that thin and toned, especially when you've had some chubbage in the past. As long as she *feels* good. The body is a temple.

On that note, I'm going to take these nightmares for a walk.

*ex: I hid from Anderson Cooper, figured he was busy and didn't care, but TG chatted him up like a pro and got pictures. Then there was the time Wil Arnett walked by us in front of Whole Foods. I hid behind a nearby bush as TG screamed at him, "Hey Wil! I love your work!"

Sheer Genius Casting

Nancy Grace's scenery-chewing and unmoving chin-length blond hair enraged me a little during the Casey Anthony case, but I think her appearance on Dancing With the Stars will be Must-See-TV. I bet she'll be great. Redemption song! Controversy over Chaz Bono's casting and being paired with a woman. I just want to say to those who might be appalled by Chaz dancing with a woman when there are so many other issues that are *actually* appalling: Get a life.

Fans worldwide gasped collectively over news that Justin Bieber was in a car accident. But he's fine! And so is LeAnn Rimes's ex-husband who just got married, thank goodness--it's so face-saving. To keep things narcissistic, Dish noticed his new wife wears heavy black glasses, just like Dish's new Tom Ford's. And now, here's something that will make you laugh and cry.


Confession: I watched Bachelor Pad again. The show has slid into Totally Boring now that they've sent off a pivotal trainwreck. Maybe I'll go back to Proust. Talk about boring....What's not boring: Dish is seeing Duran Duran TWICE within 9 days in October. I accidentally bought seats that are VERY close for one show (too much awesomeness for me). The big question is: Will I have a myocardial infarction?