Sunday Night Belly Ache -- Except It's Now Monday

The second I saw Chris Brown on the Billboard Music Awards, my stomach started throbbing more painfully than it had all day. I don't understand how someone who pummeled his girlfriend could be so well received. And he lip-synched. I'm so old, you would think my jaded soul would accept that there are no consequences. Rapists, batterers and murders are praised every day. I turned the TV off. Okay, I watched the Kardashians and realized all they do is nosh. They make me want to wear white and eat nonstop. These are not bad things.

The Rutgers spycam dude got sentenced to a mere 30 days*. Fury has erupted on FB, and I remember how incensed I was, crying, when I heard that William Kennedy Smith walked free from a rape charge. There are fifty shades of gray in some cases even though we can react emotionally and feel that this a-hole pushed his roommate those last few inches over the edge (that's how I feel, too). Spyboy will probably get justice on the outside. His life is over ... unless he gets a book contract and a reality show.

Cheering myself up with The Bachelorette, ginger ale and a dry potato.


*See lesson of first paragraph: There are no consequences.

Barry Manilow at Radio City Tonight!

There are no words, except FANILOWS UNITE! I'm trying to contain my excitement because it feels as if I'm cheating on Duran Duran. I love Barry! I hope his hip replacement work tonight. I'm ready to sing and dance and revel in being 13 again.

Khloe and Lamar are ending their show after the second season. Doesn't that sound so reasonable? Reality shows should come with a time limit. Real life takes priority. I'm going to try to watch less reality TV, though all will go to hell when The Bachelorette returns with Emily Maynard.

If it weren't for Barry, I'd say it's a Monday:

My browser seems to be flooded once again with LeAnn Rimes bikini shots. She used to be a SINGER. What happened? It's as if she went from having a career to being Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, as if that's a step up.

Some fallout from the Kimmel Correspondents' Dinner speech. Keith Olbermann zinged JK for his cracks. Why are my feelings so mixed? Keith is just so yicky, polarizing, but he is entertaining as sh*t. It's hard for me to imagine him not on TV and, yet, his diva ways make it so. Perhaps he could take over Khloe and Lamar's time slot. Keith Kardashian.

Happy Birthday, Babs and Shirl!!!

First, we must give thanks to the lives of Barbra and Shirley, whose birthdays are today. Happy Birthday, you fierce Tauruses! You girls inspire me. Here's some epic Babs and Shirl that'll make your knees weak.

Sorry for the less than dynamic segue but Lindsay Lohan was cast as Elizabeth Taylor for a new Lifetime movie. Dish feels mixed. If this had been the Lindsay of 10 years ago, I would have said BRILLIANT casting. She can look like Elizabeth and act. But she's been terrible of late in movies, like her muscles have atrophied. There is lots of gasket blowing over this casting, which is perfect for building the hype. That's all a movie needs these days--buzz and hype, not necessarily content or talent. Rosie O'Donnell, Star Jones, Michael Lohan, and Donnie Deutsch have weighed in, and you know these are the ones we all look to for up-to-date opinions. That was mean. I do actually listen to them. Can't resist Rosie's sass!

So, if it weren't for goddesses like Shirl and Babs, I'd give up. The Kardashians rule the world. They just got a 40million+$ deal from E for more reality. And will I watch them? Absolutely yes not. They are geniuses the vile scourge of the universe. Maybe I'll donate time and brain cells to more satisfying causes -- like literature and indies.

Are Mila and Ashton really dating? That's cute. I'm still not over the Demi/Ashton breakup but I have to move on at some point. And--Kleenex dab--they're adorable together, like two string beans fried up in butter with almond shavings.

I need more dinner.

Who's Suffering from Post Traumatic Tabloid Disorder?

I need therapy. There are rumors of another Kardashian reproducing. I'm sure they're false, but the suspense is dizzying. Is she fat or pregnant? Baby bump or no? Why is she wearing big clothes? Will her baby end all her sentences in question-marks? Will she drive a Bentley or a sh*tty Jaguar? Let the merry go-round stop.

I've got better things to do, like book tickets to my next Duran Duran concert. Will this finally be the one where I meet them? If so, I'll wear large sunglasses to hide my tears of joy. Must also hide details of expensive trip from TG. He doesn't read this blog anymore so I can write whatever I want! No holds barred.

Last night's Smash: I'm not sure what happened. Love Uma but I see Jaws snaking through the water with Marilyn ready to jump.

I heard of a lawsuit against The Bachelor/The Bachelorette for discriminating against African-Americans. They *must* discriminate since there haven't been anything but white Bachelor/ettes. They sneak in another race--and someone from NYC--now and then as rivals for affection but inevitably that one person takes a hike early on. I'm all for diversity in my crappy reality shows!!! Counting the days until Emily Maynard gets her chance. What if Brad shows up during the season?

Everyone is abuzz over the Brangelina marriage. Plans being made for France, in a chateau, small town church. I don't buy ANY of it. With a big rock on her finger, she's just another skeletal UES socialite, not the woman going on crusades for the poor/hungry. Is Vera Wang going to make the dress? Is she giddy with excitement over food tasting, party favors and invites? I'm thinking nyet!

Speaking of wedding and skeletal people...Dishbrother and I have vowed to be super-skinny for a wedding related event we're attending in three weeks. We want people to think we're sick with match-stick legs and sunken cheeks. Lucky for me, cutting my portions in half has helped me lose about 5 pounds. Artificially-induced stress does wonders as well. I'm blowing it all to hell with a corn muffin tonight. This is why I'll never be on television (Anderson, you also spoiled my dream by leaving me on the cutting room floor).

Don't Ever Doubt Me Again

The Shows (mild spoiler alerts):

Nurse Jackie: My politically correct self is happy she's in rehab. Devilish Dish wants her to keep taking pills because she's so good at it. Those furtive snorts are genius.

The Killing: The most exciting thing was the nurse putting in Billy Campbell's catheter (you know where).

The Big C: Kinda lame after the AMAZING finale from last season. She gets drunk.

Mad Men: Joan is *back*. Would love her to do a book on how to be a productive vixen.

Lamar Odom leaves the Mavericks, which means he and Khloe are destitute. You gotta wonder if Kardashianism has become cursed, or at least for the boys. One could discuss how emasculating female archetypes (yes, I'm talking to you, Helen and Clytemnestra) are thriving. I like strong women. Just wish these K. powerhouses were more articulate and cracked books. Celebrity Book Club with Dish? I'm about to read House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Squeee!

Today I had to watch Anderson to see my second favorite hypnotist (first is Dishfriendsincediapers) Dr. Paul McKenna put guests into trances and AC's scornful reaction. I will attest to McKenna's awesomeness. He puts me to sleep every night. If you're an insomniac, BUY HIS BOOK, then download accompanying CD onto your iPod.

It's All Downhill From Here...

But Downhill is easier than Uphill. I'm not sure what I mean, just that I have celebrity DTs--such great heights and now, eating cheap crackers and peanut butter. Must. Get. On. TV. Again. Fast! I'm not willing to drink donkey spunk, run off with the guitarist of Journey or lie on the couch dissing people then stuffing a Kardashian-sized burrito in my face (oh wait, never mind on this last one). My "normal" life is pretty durn awesome...except no one has stopped me on the street since the airing, which distresses me.

Quick remarks because I have to watch my television clip again. TG has created loop.

1. Kobe Bryant and wife might be reconciling since a photo of their smooching has surfaced! It must be love since she would have gotten kazillions in a divorce. Vanessa obvious hasn't learned the Dishrule never to date an athlete, except if you earn a giant payoff in a divorce. Well, even then...

2. Real Housewives of Orange County: the new housewife, Heather, seems just fine, a refreshing brunette. I might be done with OC because the boredom factor is just too high. The only drama is that Peggy effed Alexis's husband years ago and never said anything. It's a rule on OC that your mate is either an emoting loser or richndorky.

3. Kourtney was asked to carry Khloe's baby. Bahahahah! This sounds like a giant load of BS. Why not ask Kim? It might take her mind off the divorce.

Dish's New 2012 Diet!

TG and I might have reached a new low (or is it high)as I ate macaroni & cheese while watching him do his ab workout while he watched Jail, a self-explanatory reality show. Guess who's lost two pounds? Me!

Don't Buy Gifts Just Yet: Halle Berry is not engaged! She and Olivier are just going steady. Hurry up, Halle. You don't want to keep us from speculating further on your relationship, do you? And what's the latest on Johnny/Vanessa? It's been days since we saw the shocking photos of Vanessa without makeup, allegedly wan from the misery of a Depp-less day.

Kardashian/Beyonce drama continues with no good outcome. The Khloe Kardashian paternity issue is vile. I wouldn't wish that rumor on those I hate most but it's juicy controversy that comes at a fascinating time. No doubt Khloe will show us her resilience on an ep of Khloe & Lamar. As for the Blue Ivy birthing, I'm sure there was a big production. Beyon-Z are laughing all the way to the bank with the new baby-inspired song. I would gladly hire them to manage my 401K.

Dish signed up for Mama Gena's NYC class in February. Just a lark for this uptight New England WASP. Am envisioning coconut bras, celebrating my inner goddess and stuffing dollar-bills down my own pants. Can't wait!

My good deed for the day: 1 Chapter of Wheelock's Latin. Bad deed: Pretending cat hurl behind the couch doesn't exist.

Kardashian Bombshell That Seems Kinda Malish

The tabloids suddenly and inexplicably seem fixated on the possibility that Khloe Kardashian, the scary and least robotic one, is not biologically a Kardashian. If I were Khloe, I'd be enraged but also not surprised--since all bets are off when you're a K. On the bright side, she's richer than the people reporting these awful things. The rumors might be originating from Robert Kardashian's last wife who also spewed that Bruce Jenner cross-dresses. As if this will get me out of bed in the morning. Give me something *really* scandalous -- like photographic evidence that Bruce and Kris still do it.

In a related note, God Bryan Ferry got married to a sweet young lass. More than this? There's nothing. Well, except this clip, which made me cry despite off key. Think it was the sequins: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5JyHrqLJNk&list=FLgKF76xPBOTIX6LFpyz2cwA&index=61&feature=plpp_video.

Halle Berry is engaged to Olivier Martinez, but those pesky French boys, so secretive. He popped the question six months ago. Remember when Richard Gere clocked him in Unfaithful? Maybe I need to stop watching Snapped.

Which reminds me, Revenge. Just started watching, thanks to two gay male friends who say it's "The Best". I have misgivings when a series begins with a voice-over, "When I was a little girl..." Pointy-nosed-actress from Brothers & Sisters gives me a dull gut ache but I'm willing to get through a few eps.

So, Bill O'Reilly having NYPD spy on his wife to see if she's cheating? If true, love is alive on Fox!

Dear God, Not the Brand-Perrys!

It's official that Russell Brand has filed for divorce with the usual irreconcilable differences. The clue came when they spent Christmas apart. Don't worry, folks. Just because TG and I are spending New Year's apart, doesn't mean we're not happy kids. In fact, I'm near tears that he's leaving for a week. Ah well, it just means a Breaking Bad marathon will happen tonight in the nation of Chelsea.

Tabloids report that Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are canoodling on the Sunset strip. I kinda hoped he'd get back with our skinny-as-string Renee, but then one can't place money on Hollywood romance.

So Dish slugged through a face/hair ruining rainstorm to attend a party thrown by glamorous people on the inside. Big news: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a great guy. Super nice (no, he wasn't there). Dish caught some major bombshells about who's gay and who's not. Mostly what we already know but details. I'll take them to my grave.

Here's a travesty of justice: Khloe Kardashian wants to go blond but her mother Kris Jenner won't let her. This is a national crisis, especially since Khloe is hotter as a blond. Please God, send in Sean Penn and George Clooney and a telethon.

Stephanie Kramer of Hunter fame is joining The Secret Circle (as Gale's mamala) and she is AWESOME. Gale Harold fans, did I stop watching too soon?

Khloe and Lamar Will Do Dallas!

I've never watched their show but I know they are going to Dallas. They're allegedly getting fertility treatments and they have sex...a lot. Every clip I turn on (not often, I swear) that Khloe is talking about banging. Good for her but you have to do something else. When he retires, I worry about all that time together. Well, I really don't. Who knew these kids would make it!?

This weekend, I needed a mood-boost so I started reading Jane Lynch's Happy Accidents. So far, nice parents, gawky childhood, big lesbian secret, drinking at an early age. In my gaggle of imaginary best friends, you need one crowd-pleaser and Jane is it for me. Every time she's on screen, I can't help but smile. In fact, let's watch this (warning--contains the F word a few times): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vV_drM1jW58&list=HL1323643214&feature=mh_lolz.

New Year's Eve is #1 at the B.O. So many stars in one movie. It's bound to be bad (Evening, Valentine's Day), but juicy. Must see!