"Great Role Models for Other Married Couples"

Just when you thought it was safe to scour the internets for wholesome news items, this awesomeness hits you like a sharknado and you Can't Turn Away. I confess, Doug is fantastic actor and I sort of like Courtney Stodden. She's a rude interruptor with gigantic fun bags, but in twenty years, she might rule the world and we won't know how it happened. I suspect her IQ is freakishly high. For now, though, she's a guppy with 0 impulse control.

In Scientology, I scanned a list of celebrity devotees and found...Jeffrey Tambor, acting genius of Arrested Development. REALLY? I'm fascinated.

Today's divorce news: Natasha Henstridge--my very first girl crush--is splitting with her man. Could my ultimate star-fantasy come true, that she and her co-star from The Secret Circle Gale Harold did more than kiss on-screen (I didn't see it but can only assume)? Please say yes. Otherwise, I'll have to watch her with Michael Vartan in little known screen masterpiece It Had to Be You.

Spike Lee released his must watch movies--all men, mostly predictable.

The Bachelorette: Forgive me, feminists, but Brooks is a gigantic pu**y. He's just not that into you, Des.

Mark Burnett and Roma Downey's The Bible Has Made Me Lose Respect for Christianity

You would have thought I'd go atheist when Simon Le Bon came out as a non-believer. His argument made perfect sense to me, but I couldn't quite take the plunge. While I still believe in mystical occurrences (because too much crazy stuff has happened to me), I am not down with the Christian god according to Mark and Roma's new hit miniseries on the Hitler History channel. Disclaimer: My ignorance in the area of religious doctrine is infinite. I only know from a few Easter services and The Ten Commandments. Forgive my blaspheming. I do love the idea of faith.

But still, thank the Holy Whatever for The Bible because I learned so much and decided that this god isn't for me. Lessons from this amazing show:

1. People from yon before are from Great Britain. Surely, 'twas.
2. God committed multiple acts of ethnic cleansing. When he's pissed, he wipes out whole nations and makes people build an ark (hello, vomit train!).
3. The Devil is Obama. I'm sorry, but you can't plead ignorance on this one. The actor doesn't resemble Obama, but Mark and Roma MADE HIM LOOK LIKE OBAMA. There is no accident here.
4. Eve was hot and so was Jesus. Please, important historical figures can't be hideous.
5. For all period pieces before, say, 700 AD, please act as if you're in your church's Christmas pageant.
6. Poor Sarah's womb is all withered and stale so she tells Abraham that he can boink the servant girl. Thanks to God's IVF, Sarah does get preggo. Love triangles are legit.
7. God is bored and needs more adoration so he tells Abraham to kill his son. NICE! But just at the last minute, God says, "Just kidding!" Kill this lamb instead, that's what I really meant.
8. There's something about the Sodomy Village that pisses off God, so he orders an African American, an Asian man schooled in martial arts, and someone else to fight off the bad people. Little glimpse of Obama as this is happening. Like maybe he's involved. Thank heavens, Abraham the Almost Child Killer is spared.
9. Young Moses wore makeup, but he soon grows up to be Gale Harold's seedy uncle! He fights with his childhood enemy Pharaoh, who is still overusing charcoal around the eyes.
10. Pharaoh gives his son a Gameboy, which ensures his silence for the rest of the show. And then he dies.

That's as far as I got. Maybe I need to read the Bible, which might be a purer translation of God's word.

My Favorite News Story of the Day!

I shouldn't laugh about this, but I am anyway! Tom Brokaw accidentally took Ambien this morning before going on the air. He complained of being light-headed and was rushed to the hospital afterwards before the truth was revealed. I know this probably was scary (but did you eat from the craft table, flash your t*ts and tell hilarious stories about your childhood, Tom?).

If you've missed Brian Kinney Gale Harold, here he is jumping on the It Gets Better train. I kind of hate him for being so literary, she says as she reads Andre Schiffrin's A Political Education. What are you trying to do, Gale--educate us???

Hurray and Boo:

Camille Grammer gets 30 Mil in her divorce. Hurray!
Drew Peterson found guilty of murdering his third wife. Hurray!
Will Arnett and Amy Poehler separating after 9 years. Boo! Did you know he was once married to Penelope Ann Miller? Interesting!

Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara, Gale Harold and Jessica Simpson!

Who knew so many stars shared this blessed day? Sofia has a new accessory to go with her splendid bosom--an alleged engagement ring! Now that's how you soften the blow of turning 40. I'm so glad she got back together with that guy (though he was trashed in the rags after they broke up) since the lure of a newly single Tom Cruise must have been torture those three minutes she was single!

If your brain enjoys those tasteless crustaceans at the bottom of the ocean, here's more loser deliciousness: It seems Kris Humphries's babymama was never pregnant--JUST FAT. And psycho. Poor Kris, always the pawn and never the queen.

TG and I are now addicted to Cupcake Wars, especially that French judge Florian whose accent and bitchiness we want to bottle and drink all day long.

(Yes, I realize my former imaginary boyfriend Gale's birthday is today and I should give him proper attention but he's not so appealing in real life. JK! Happy Birthday, Dear Lord Brian Kinney!!! I wish I could *be* as cool as you, especially with destroying furniture and dancing all night in clubs--though this is only good in theory)

I'd Know Those Obama Ears Anywhere!

After announcing his stance on gay marriage, of course the Prez would do a drive by in Chelsea. After O's speech, TG came home just in time to stand by the barricade with me and watch Obama go by. The windows were slightly tinted but Dish had her spidey sense so saw/felt the power of those gigantic ears. What was he doing in Chelsea? Going to Loehmann's to get 'Chelle a nice new purse on sale...or perhaps sauntering over to Splash?

Did you read about the alleged feud between Oprah and Michelle? It's easy to pit these two titans against each other. The media loves to watch girls feud. I always wondered what Michelle thought of Oprah's influence on her hub but the idea that the two women would be jealous of one another. Pullleuuuse. It's someone's wet dream...though perhaps totally true.

In between deliriums, I accidentally stumbled on the last night's finale of Desperate Housewives. TG kept saying, "This is excellent. So tightly written." Especially disturbing were the makeout scenes between Bree and Quantum Leap. I don't know why. Middle-aged hanky panky isn't as sexy to watch as geezer sex. For two hours, we didn't get much of a bang until the end with some lovely cameos and a goose-pimply last 30 seconds. I loved the brief return of Dana Delaney, though waited and waited and waited for Gale Harold to come back and whisk That Woman away from her boring grieving over the boring plumber. I guess the ending was satisfying.

Many shows just got canceled: Most significantly GBC, Pan Am, Awake, Bent, Harry's Law, CSI: Miami, The Finder, Ringer, and The Secret Circle.

The greatest question for our time: What will Gale Harold do now??? They should have just had Gale do the entire show and get rid of those pesky witchy teens. It would have been a hit.

Will spend the night researching and confirming whether or not Charlize and Fassbender are dating. Talk about utter cuteness.

Desperate Measures Call For Queer As Folk

It's been an awful week. So awful that I've only scoured my tabloids once a day. I cannot wait until tomorrow around 5pm. I'll be home, snuggled up and at peace.

For now, I need a little courage, inspiration and healing. I'm summoning the strength of God himself: Brian Kinney: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUlJwAF5XxI&feature=related.

Watching Season 5. Might skip to Cindy Lauper singing "Shine."

William Devane Sexes Up "Revenge"

I think he went to school with Dishbiologicalfather but despite this I was so happy to see him on Revenge where frozen-face-and-squint acting meets WASPington Mansion! It hits too close to home for me in the best way with all the air-kissing, repressed rage and sarcasm. While I was glued to the episode, I predicted it from Minute 1 when Danny was frozen-face-down in the sand. They always kill off the ugly a-hole and there had to be a twist, right? What did you think of this non-shocking episode?

Dishbrotherhusband informed me of a Queer As Folk Reunion/conference in Germany this year. Color me dizzy in all the colors of the rainbow. I'd swoon breathing the same oxygen as Sharon Gless. My lung capacity was tested when Gale Harold starred in Suddenly, Last Summer on Broadway and I survived the experience.

Rest in peace, Gary Carter--a baseball legend. Poor guy.

As I sign off, please pray for me, readers. I might have sprained my toes due to really bad sneakers that don't support the foot properly. And I just keep running.

Dear God, Not the Brand-Perrys!

It's official that Russell Brand has filed for divorce with the usual irreconcilable differences. The clue came when they spent Christmas apart. Don't worry, folks. Just because TG and I are spending New Year's apart, doesn't mean we're not happy kids. In fact, I'm near tears that he's leaving for a week. Ah well, it just means a Breaking Bad marathon will happen tonight in the nation of Chelsea.

Tabloids report that Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are canoodling on the Sunset strip. I kinda hoped he'd get back with our skinny-as-string Renee, but then one can't place money on Hollywood romance.

So Dish slugged through a face/hair ruining rainstorm to attend a party thrown by glamorous people on the inside. Big news: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a great guy. Super nice (no, he wasn't there). Dish caught some major bombshells about who's gay and who's not. Mostly what we already know but details. I'll take them to my grave.

Here's a travesty of justice: Khloe Kardashian wants to go blond but her mother Kris Jenner won't let her. This is a national crisis, especially since Khloe is hotter as a blond. Please God, send in Sean Penn and George Clooney and a telethon.

Stephanie Kramer of Hunter fame is joining The Secret Circle (as Gale's mamala) and she is AWESOME. Gale Harold fans, did I stop watching too soon?

Prayers for the Health of King Funkalicious

Dish follows many stars, and lately has become concerned over Chic god and Duran Duran savior (among many legendary projects) Nile Rodgers. He has an "aggressive cancer" which he details on http://nilerodgers.com/. Let's send good vibes out to the universe that he continues to rock into infinity and beyond. Love Nile! See the awesomeness for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsKPPL-j6kE.

There's always something new for the Kardashians: Kourtney is reproducing again. I've never watched the show, never intend to (sort of want to) but from trailers, she seems like the least offensive. Am I wrong?

Just saw that Gale Harold will get back to sexing up the place on The Secret Circle, which is when I'll start watching again. But I'll try to substitute Justin instead of the girl he's supposed to bed. Will I ever get over Queer As Folk?

Stalin's daughter died. RIP?

Mindy McCready and son reported missing in Florida but she says they're fine. National Enquirer alleges she's 5 months preggo with twins. Wouldn't it be great if she gave birth to baby kittens? That would up the drama.

Dish Is Thankful...

*for amazing powers of prediction with the marriages of Kim Kardashian, J.Lo, Demi & Ashton, Christopher Knight, Olivia Wilde and the frequent jailings in the Lohan family.

*that J.R. Martinez won Dancing with the Stars, though I knew he would from Day #1. I'm thankful not because of his service to our country, but his service to All My Children, which went off the air, for which I'm *not* thankful. The last show was an epic WTF.

*that there's a light at the end of the dark Julia tunnel that was Larry Crowne.

*that Gale Harold is employed on The Secret Circle, though the show doesn't compel me.

*that I have such a wonderful husband who married me on 1/16/11 and I'm thankful I didn't faint at the altar and only needed 1/2 of 1/2 of a tranquilizer.

*that I got to hug Anderson Cooper this year.

*that with minimal effort, I can bring back a flat stomach.

*for Born to Run by Christopher MacDougall.

*that Hillary Clinton isn't vilified as much and she's being recognized.

*for my Tom Ford glasses. Not sure if they'll be cool in six months.

*for the extra space in my accidental purchase of men's jeans a size too big.

*for my family, friends, and health.

Vavavavoom!

Gaddafi Dead?

I'm having a hard time grasping that so many tyrannical leaders have been killed this year. We are free! Yay! The world is a better place, prosperity reigns and we will have no more violence or crazy a-holes rambling at the podium. Oh wait...I forgot about Congress. I suggest avoiding graphic images of the Heinous Highness dying even though it's so tempting. Read Foucault's Discipline and Punish instead.

Do I dare say it? Lindsay Lohan 40 minutes late to her community service at the morgue today. Someone needs to set her alarm clock earlier and just haul her butt where she needs to go. Or put her in jail.

JJ just texted me, asking me if I've seen Gale Harold in The Unseen. Do gay bears have anonymous sex in the woods? He's so brilliant in this, I'm scared for the people living in his brain. Or maybe it's called acting.

Should I be shunned for thinking The A List: Dallas is more civilized than New York?

Last question: Dish has seats in the General Admission section near the front at MSG for next week's Duran Duran (yes, I'm going again). I am too damn old to stand in a line to get in early to rush up to the front and hyperventilate. Will I be allowed entry if I go at the last minute? At this moment, a friend of mine is at their concert in Chicago. Envious.

Star Sighting--Joan from Say Yes to the Dress!!!

At around 9am at my deli, I kept a reasonable distance while listening to every word, "An egg on 7 grain toast..." is what Joan ordered. Gotta get that combo of protein and carbs and fiber--good for her! She looked slick in a black pantsuit and pressed hair.

Biggest shocking news: that Kat Von D and Jesse James have split again--even before they had a chance to take Dish's elocution lessons (derrr, like, whoa, derr). My main rules are: 1. Never go back to an ex. 2. Never date/marry an athlete. With so many fabulous decades ahead of her, Kat Von D already has impressive skills and business savvy. I wish her the best in life, love and moisturizing lipsticks. My feeling is that she dodged a bullet.

Tonight: Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (hard to accept Christina Ricci on TV but she's so coquette). Will Pan Am make me feel better about flying, enough so that I could go to Paris next year? I have True Grit from Netflix, which TG had wanted to see. Will wait a week and if he doesn't ask to watch, I'll send it back. It looks like True Sh*t. The Secret Circle has disappointed me with its slowness and teen guy-liner. Gale needs to get off the teen shows and plunge into a sexy drama. Queer As Folk: The Movie!

22 days until Duran Duran in DC. TG is plotzing.

Political Passings

Two daughters of political figures died within twenty-four hours of each other and at 51: Kara Kennedy, eldest daughter of Ted and Joan Kennedy, and Eleanor Mondale Poling, daughter of Walter and Joan Mondale. Very sad. My heart goes out to these families.

Life should be appreciated, right? Sinead O'Connor is to controversy as the Pope is to Being Behind the Times, thus it isn't odd that such a public figure would ask via Twitter for ways to commit suicide. Dish immediately started following her and went on her website: http://www.sineadoconnor.com. The site is quite a rambling-me-fest, which makes me think she'll stay alive. If not on Earth, where would the me-fest go? Her voice is from the gods.

Why reality shows rule: so many baaaadddd scripted shows. Dish watched The Secret Circle last night. Verdict: the teens are a big bore except for the one who thinks she's Angelina Jolie. Gale Harold and Natasha Henstridge are awesome and Dish hopes they have an ecstatic super-witch coupling, skyclad under the stars with moonbeams illuminating their fleshy middle-aged yet lightly muscled pale bodies. I will fast-forward to get to the adult scenes, as with Hellcats. Ringer just sucks. I expected more from SMG but it is mostly slow pacing, bad filming (fake ocean background!) and lame dialogue.

The funniest thing all week: seeing Anderson Cooper get all batsh*t excited to dish with the cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Anderson. Looking forward to the episode with his mother, Gloria the Great.

And God Said, Let There Be Gale and Natasha

As you may know, Gale Harold was my imaginary boyfriend from 2005-2009. We broke up when TG arrived on the scene, which made Gale cry. Now that some time has gone by and we've both healed, I view his work with joy detachment. Gale-aholics, you must already know he stars with goddess Natasha Henstridge in The Secret Circle (9/15) where they both are Hot As Beans, Witch-Style! Their combined gorgeousness might cancel each other out on screen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWK0vfwYhqA. I don't have high hopes for witch shows after my beloved Eastwick got axed, but this one has Gale and where there's Gale, there's a hit show (except for Vanished, Hellcats). Anderson Cooper's Anderson talk show (9/12) also starts, which should be tons of fun. Oooh, and Sarah Michelle Gellar's Ringer. Gotta watch!

Blake and Holly from Bachelor Pad are ENGAGED! I love this pair because they seem equally bubble-headed and nice, plus Michael was being a controlling tool and their relaysh had too much baggage. Dish feels one should never go back to an ex.

Candace Bushnell's novels are Dish's guilty pleasure and now I read that One Fifth Avenue is being made into TV series. It's no Jeffrey Eugenides, but I would never turn down an NYC-based Melrose Place! Hand me a cocktail and a bikini and I'm there. Oh wait, New York City. Hand me an Ambien and a pleather jacket and I'm there!

What's the big deal with SkinnyGirl Margarita pulled from shelves of Whole Foods? TG is crying buckets over this news. Is everything at Whole Foods really ALL natural? I'm not sure I believe this.

FYI--Halloween and Little House on the Prairie do not mix! Avoid at all costs. I don't like to see Half Pint all freaked out over Nells possibly beheading Mrs. Oleson-not even believable. Nells is such a p________.

Post-Wedding Lounging

Congratulations to Dishbrother who married his love Dishbrotherpartner! It was very moving. How else to recover from a great wedding than to watch the catty Part 2 of The Real Housewives of New York City? Even TG had a hard time breaking away. Speaking of housewives, Desperate Housewives's last season is ending a year shorter than planned. Maybe because it's been blowing lately? Maybe the fast-forward five years wasn't brilliant, though it did give Gale Harold more work.

Why I love Kathy Griffin:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZFlHALukD4 My favorite incorrigible whore.

I'm reading things about The Normal Heart, to be directed by Ryan Murphy and possibly starring Julia and Mark Ruffalo. Cut to Dish running toward Julia yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The play has had a huge resurgence but I just don't see it as a movie and after Eat Pray Love, well, I can't say it because Julia is Love itself. What about Notting Hill 2 instead?

A tidbit that seems like bs: Ryan Reynolds ended things with Charlize Theron b/c she was getting too serious. Women are such wily creatures. All we do is get too serious. One look at a man and we *have* to nail him down. After 10 years with a steady beau (whom she never married), I can't really see this as true.

So, Janet Jackson was vindicated when Nicki Minaj slipped her nip GMA. And it was a huge slip with a bulging boob popping out of her spandex. WHY DIDN'T SHE WEAR A BRA??? When you have large gozongas, you keep them from popping out.

Allegedly, Daniel Craig's ex charged a million $ on his credit card when he dismissed her for Rachel Weisz and wouldn't return her phone calls. That's hard core but I get it.

Star Sighting--Joan from Say Yes to the Dress!!!

9:01 am, a deli right near Kleinfeld's. Yes, Dish's star-sighting senses are set to 11 even this early!!! And yes, I recognize stars from reality shows I don't really watch. By "really" I mean I don't watch them all the time--just most of the time. This morning I spotted a bright-eyed Joan from Say Yes to the Dress, clad in black, getting her coffee. A portly husband recognized her and said something like, "Oh my wife watches your show..." I think. I might have imagined that but Joan clearly had the look of "I'm getting attention." The man asked if she had a busy day ahead and she said yes. I did all I could not to spill my coffee from the shock and joy of seeing her. I loves my celebs!!!

A big shout out to Gale Harold, who is Dish's age (for the next 5 days) today. Happy birthday, GH! Both Kate Hudson and Posh Spice gave birth today, which means their wee bairns also share Gale's birthday. How can you beat that?

We Duranies Will Still Be Here When Duran Duran Is Ready To Tour!

I'm a little blue with TG out of town and me not supposed to gorge on those chocolate covered graham crackers from Starbucks. At the supermarket, I wandered past the cupcakes and thought, I'll grab a quick one. Not this time, Dish. More somber thoughts ensued...until the supermarket radio announcer said, "Duran Duran has canceled their summer tour because of lead singer Simon Le Bon's ongoing vocal problems..." Dammit, it was the Universe telling me other people--Simon--are suffering way more. Their album just came out. International dates were set. How frustrating for them and FOR THE WORLD that they can't tour. Dish can refuse the brownie with ice cream, hot fudge and almond slivers. I'll eat heinous celery in solidarity. Or maybe fried chicken.

Something else important happened today. Atlantis went up in space. I don't understand why it's The Final Journey. Is there new space technology that doesn't require a rocket?

I treadmilled a little longer to witness the landing of Will and Kate in California. The plane approached, stopped, blocks put under wheels, steps came down...and then that Damn John King interrupted with a real news show.

Last item: Rebecca Gayheart--PREGS! Last I saw her, she was on Vanished with Gale Harold (whose birthday is Sunday). Today, eat some heinous celery to honor Anjelica Huston's day of birth!

All About Death or Yay, MaryAnn's Is Open Again!

And thank goodness, since this is where TG proposed marriage to me. We are now dying from excessive burrito consumption. Won't think about the potential health violations that might have closed them down in the first place...

...instead, let's focus on how Dish got the sh*t scared out of her two nights ago. TG had gone to sleep, so I plopped in Fertile Ground starring The L Word's Leisha Hailey and hunkalicious Queer As Folk veteran Gale Harold (i.e. my imaginary boyfriend from 2005-2009). Nothing about this story is extraordinary. She goes back into the house, into the basement, doesn't run screaming from danger. And yet, it's still scary. Leisha is a fantastic actress, growing leaps and bounds since that Yoplait commercial. Our Gale shows his range--from Brian Kinney to supportive husband/crazy a-hole. A nice diversion if you like creepy indies with no hope at the end.

Speaking of no hope, a bright light has gone out in the music world. Clarence Clemons died of a massive stroke, deeply saddening. At least he didn't whizz away his talent: Amy Winehouse got booed for a horrific performance in Belgrade (it was *really* bad, as in Dish could have done a better job of singing). My precious Tone Loc was arrested allegedly for domestic violence. Now he's dead to me. The Killing finale is tonight. Death, death, death.

Quel somber posting...Back to reading Virginia Woolf.

Continuing the Jim Carrey Love with Liar Liar!

I read something about a criminal probe into Arnold's affairs (or just into Arnold) and my brain went into the sewer. Now that's a movie in itself. Rumor has it there will be a July wedding for Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp. Seems rash but I sort of love them together. Whatever works! TG and I got married fast. Sometimes you just have to do it. Today, Dish was ill from potential sinus infection and TG thrashed around the apartment to The Doors's "Peace Frog," instantly curing me. I'm happy to be Mrs. TG.

Dish will be watching The Secret Circle this fall and so should you as it looks good and trashy. And who doesn't adore it when Gale plays a royal a-hole? Love also Natasha Henstridge who has been a goddess since Species. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxtzRF8I9uI.

Anthony Lane always writes fabulous reviews in The New Yorker and his review of Terrence Mallick's The Tree of Life does not disappoint. I'm not a bit Pitt fan but this might be inneresting (as my grandmother used to say).

Allergy Attack!

Happy Friday, everyone. Supposedly the world is ending tomorrow, so Dish chose Little Fockers as My Last Movie. It is atrocious. If only it had been 2 hours of Owen Wilson and Barbra Streisand it might have been tolerable as they were the only bright spots--all due to a non-story. Jessica Alba was surprisingly wonderful, as well.

A little disappointing is this interview with Dish-favorite-since-2005 Gale Harold. http://www.zap2it.com/videobeta/9610544b-69df-44b3-8de9-4c493b5ffbcb/Entertainment/Fall-TV-2011-The-Secret-Circle-s-Gale-Harold. Maybe it's just Brian Kinney that I love. GH is being a tw*t to this reporter who is just doing her job. This is why I never want to meet stars in person!

Sad news is that Ginnifer Goodwin and fiancé broke up after short engagement. Sometimes getting to know a person isn't as fun as it should be. At least she didn't walk down the aisle!

If you know who Michael Bolton is (though someone in Dish household doesn't), don't miss this hilariousness where MB hijacks a music video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI6CfKcMhjY. Love him!