TG's Super Secret Celebrity Crushes

He's going to kill me for outing him but he's making me watch American Horror Story. Given my penchant for celebrity obsession, of course, I needed to take inventory of TG's star habits. He is the ultimate gentleman, opens doors for me, cooks me dinner, gets nervous over *my* challenging moments, tells me often I'm pretty. I know he adores me, but does the great TG have celebrity crushes? Yes, though he would never admit to such frivolity. Here they are--from my observations:

Sarah Silverman: She makes him belly laugh like no one else except for maybe his brother. I get it.

Sofia Vergara: She's so stacked. I don't blame him. I'm a little in love with her too.

Pepper from American Horror Story: Whoever plays her is mucho talented, plus there's the proximity to La Lange.

Connie Britton from American Horror Story: This one hurts. She's amazing.

Reza from Shahs of Sunset: I also can't look away when he's talking. He's a god.

Day 2 of the New Year

Okay, 2013, so far you're not amazing me. Just kidding! Just kidding kidding--screw you, fiscal cliff and congress. I'm not really sure what's happening nor have I watched the news in weeks. Someone said something bad happened. When it comes to $$$, my brain goes foggy. Where's my J-Crew catalog? So Chris Christie is mad and he just made a speech dissing all those bad people who squeaked through a crappy deal (though again, I'm not sure what the deal is). TG is slightly in love with CC now, though we both feel he's a little Me Me Me and a bully we never want to cross.

Some violence to start the year: Sofia Vergara's finance got into a fight during a NYE party in Miami.It's hard to imagine that a physically combative person would be good enough for our Sofia. Chris Guerra, a paparazzo, died while chasing Justin Bieber's car. Of course, there's a moral to the story, but the poor guy lost his life. His family must be devastated.


The Parents Television Council is pissed at Kathy Griffin over simulating oral sex on Anderson. Me too, I'm enraged. When I watch Kathy and Anderson on NYE, I expect wholesome fun and absolutely no dick jokes.

Dishmama is somewhere south of the border. Like way south. Hoping she sends a carrier pigeon soon to let me know all is well. I'm so stressed with worry, I'm seeing Jersey Boys tomorrow night!

Dish is going on a FB and news diet!

I know, I know. This happens a couple times a year and it never lasts long. I get so frustrated by my hours in front of a screen, looking at nonsense ("...but nonsense it all is."--name that quote). I keep refreshing my screen and it's awful. I can't hold a thought in my head and nothing gets done.

My last star thing is that the Emmys were incredibly boring last night and Sofia Vergara was robbed. Jimmie Kimmel was a terrible host. I like his talk show, think he's funny but you need an upbeat and sparkly host--like Ellen, Hugh Jackman, Billy Crystal. On a better note, most of what I picked WON!

This is a shameless plug for Homeland. It really is the best show on TV, debuting on Sunday. I'd even say it's better than Breaking Bad, which is perched over the great white but not quite over it. I was elated to see Aaron Paul win and plant a giant smooch on Guancarlo Esposito, one of the greatest actors alive. There's Dexter also coming though it definitely jumped the shark during the Julia Stiles season. Maybe this one will be better. Who was the chick with Dexter in the audience? I thought he was back together with Jennifer Carpenter. Ugh. See what I mean?

Once I'm done with my TV diet, I'm going to pick up my Sons of Anarchy obsession.

Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara, Gale Harold and Jessica Simpson!

Who knew so many stars shared this blessed day? Sofia has a new accessory to go with her splendid bosom--an alleged engagement ring! Now that's how you soften the blow of turning 40. I'm so glad she got back together with that guy (though he was trashed in the rags after they broke up) since the lure of a newly single Tom Cruise must have been torture those three minutes she was single!

If your brain enjoys those tasteless crustaceans at the bottom of the ocean, here's more loser deliciousness: It seems Kris Humphries's babymama was never pregnant--JUST FAT. And psycho. Poor Kris, always the pawn and never the queen.

TG and I are now addicted to Cupcake Wars, especially that French judge Florian whose accent and bitchiness we want to bottle and drink all day long.

(Yes, I realize my former imaginary boyfriend Gale's birthday is today and I should give him proper attention but he's not so appealing in real life. JK! Happy Birthday, Dear Lord Brian Kinney!!! I wish I could *be* as cool as you, especially with destroying furniture and dancing all night in clubs--though this is only good in theory)

Dish Is Turning Fifty Shades of Red!

Ya know, the author makes some mistakes with language and lofty prose it ain't, but I'm there. As TG snored lightly beside me, I devoured the latest literary trend--and I can't wait to return to it. I get why Fifty Shades of Grey is steaming up ereaders across the world. I haven't reached any firecrotch scenes yet but already the building of virginal attraction has me hooked--and erotica usually bores me! Finally, an overnight sensation I can buy into. Twilight and Hunger Games left this dish cold.

Speaking of...boo, North Carolina.

Yay: Sofia Vergara is single. TG and I love to watch her boobs on Modern Family. They just spill out everywhere and it makes us laugh. She's so talented--even with the boobs. I'm sure she'll be off the market in seconds, though something tells me she needs an interesting bloke to keep her attention. Not just anyone will do.

Now receipts and photographic evidence have surfaced of Travolta not in the place in question on the date of alleged masseur abuse. To me, the photo looks poorly shopped -- like Kate's face in Titanic as she's riding the wave down the hallway. But maybe I just need bifocals progressive lenses. This situation is like Mt. Vesuvius.

I called someone a c-word today, but behind its back. This is what will happen if you mess with Dish!

Dish's 2012 Wishes and Predictions

1. Julia Roberts will make a romantic comedy -- something light and fluffy where she will laugh uproariously and spout repeatable lines. Please, Julia! (Sean Penn should do one too because he's still kind of hot--well, he reminds me a lot of TG--and you two would be great)
2. Sofia Vergara will win SOMETHING. She is amazing and needs recognition pronto. Don't judge her because her melones fairly pop out of her dresses.
3. Annoyances will fade from our psychic landscape: the Kardashians (still like Kris Jenner, though), the Lohans
4. Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani will run for President which will make us laugh even harder at the parade of fools in this campaign.
5. Mad Men, Dexter, The Closer, and Breaking Bad will shock our faces off with amazing new seasons.
6. Please God, let me not even turn on The Bachelor which premieres January 16th. I got so screwed last year with Brad and Emily.
7. I will meet a huge celebrity (2011 brought Anderson Cooper but we can aim higher--especially since HE NEVER AIRED OUR SHOW).
8. Queer As Folk will return. Please? Even if Gale and Hal don't mesh.
9. A tabloid, production company, star will hire me as a consultant and overall delight. I am an expert.
10. An A-lister will fart on The View and it won't be Whoopi.
11. Demi will find true love again before Ashton and she'll stick with the kids.
12. Demi and Courtney Cox will look even more alike in 2012 thanks to a new treatment developed in Switzerland.
13. Derek Jeter will finally get married.
14. Hillary Clinton and her ever-growing blond locks will find even more success as she rises higher. More streakers will parade through official events and she will laugh like a bar floozy, which we love.
15. An A-list divorce will shock the hell out of everyone.
16. January Jones reveals the Lord as the father of her child.
17. Britney gets pregnant and married.
18. Olivia Wilde will leave Jason Sudeikis in the dust for someone more famous...and off limits.
19. Jane Lynch will do a dramatic role that has us gasping in wonder. Okay, I'm projecting here. I basically want people I like to rule the world. Is there anything wrong with that?
20. Getting back to Julia, she and I will embark on a lacy-beaded shawl knitting pattern this year. Race ya.
21. Bryan Cranston will be declared God.
22. I'm going to have a beer.