Dish's 2012 Wishes and Predictions

1. Julia Roberts will make a romantic comedy -- something light and fluffy where she will laugh uproariously and spout repeatable lines. Please, Julia! (Sean Penn should do one too because he's still kind of hot--well, he reminds me a lot of TG--and you two would be great)
2. Sofia Vergara will win SOMETHING. She is amazing and needs recognition pronto. Don't judge her because her melones fairly pop out of her dresses.
3. Annoyances will fade from our psychic landscape: the Kardashians (still like Kris Jenner, though), the Lohans
4. Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani will run for President which will make us laugh even harder at the parade of fools in this campaign.
5. Mad Men, Dexter, The Closer, and Breaking Bad will shock our faces off with amazing new seasons.
6. Please God, let me not even turn on The Bachelor which premieres January 16th. I got so screwed last year with Brad and Emily.
7. I will meet a huge celebrity (2011 brought Anderson Cooper but we can aim higher--especially since HE NEVER AIRED OUR SHOW).
8. Queer As Folk will return. Please? Even if Gale and Hal don't mesh.
9. A tabloid, production company, star will hire me as a consultant and overall delight. I am an expert.
10. An A-lister will fart on The View and it won't be Whoopi.
11. Demi will find true love again before Ashton and she'll stick with the kids.
12. Demi and Courtney Cox will look even more alike in 2012 thanks to a new treatment developed in Switzerland.
13. Derek Jeter will finally get married.
14. Hillary Clinton and her ever-growing blond locks will find even more success as she rises higher. More streakers will parade through official events and she will laugh like a bar floozy, which we love.
15. An A-list divorce will shock the hell out of everyone.
16. January Jones reveals the Lord as the father of her child.
17. Britney gets pregnant and married.
18. Olivia Wilde will leave Jason Sudeikis in the dust for someone more famous...and off limits.
19. Jane Lynch will do a dramatic role that has us gasping in wonder. Okay, I'm projecting here. I basically want people I like to rule the world. Is there anything wrong with that?
20. Getting back to Julia, she and I will embark on a lacy-beaded shawl knitting pattern this year. Race ya.
21. Bryan Cranston will be declared God.
22. I'm going to have a beer.

Oops! Almost forgot to post, LOLZ

Dish is all snug as a bug when I realize my forgetfulness. An important discussion of Dishbrother's bday: a worthy costar for Julia Roberts. we went through countless male actors and only found one: Sean Penn. we love him because he would help draw out her best work as he did with Naomi Watts in Fair Game. That is all. Smut returns tomorrow!

What's a Cougar Starlet to Do?

First of all, rent All About Eve and savor Celeste Holm, who is now 94. Then, read this article in the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/nyregion/love-and-inheritance-celeste-holms-family-feud.html. In a nutshell, Celeste married a stud half her age, her sons put her gazillions in a trust that they managed--so far, I understand, only protecting Mama's money. Celeste gets a little dementia, her husband cares for her, sons are bitter they never had a real mommy, yadayadayada, her millions are now gone. Who's to blame?

How could I miss my fair Julia on Letterman the other night? Well, now you can see her, too: http://www.cbs.com/late_night/late_show/video/?vs=Big%20Show%20Highlights. Wish she wouldn't hide behind her hair so much! Verdict: She and Tom Hanks are too adorable. Though I doubt this'll save the movie, which I'll see next weekend...

Quick Reviews:

Fair Game: Must watch if you know nothing of the Valerie Plame, Joseph Wilson incident where Scooter Libby spilled the beans. Great performances by Sean Penn and Naomi Watts.

Client-9: The Rise and Fall of Elliot Spitzer. Basically makes a douchebag into a tragic hero of mythology. He's not mythical; he's just another douche who loves himself. This documentary seems to diminish the very dark decisions he's made. Could only get through ten minutes. Stopped at the point where he's playing vigorous, sweaty tennis.

Forecast: Cloudy with Chance of Sunshine

My fear of flying makes no sense. I've flown a few times a year since the womb. I love looking out the window, takeoff and landing but loathe every single bump along the way. Flying became a fear when Pan Am blew up over Lockerbee, only 20 years ago. This morning, at 8am, my plane was eerily empty with a mean flight attendant who made me put my carryon in the overhead even though my row was empty. Why do I keep flying? I wondered before resigning myself to two hours of terror. Then, a few minutes before pulling out of the gate, a couple dozen 8-year-old Indian children raucously boarded the plane, swarming around me. They were like my guardian angels.

Now that I'm home, I've caught up on the stars: Piers Morgan and his wife are preggo; X Men beat Hangover II, which shows just how crappy the latter is. Still wondering when the mystery of January Jones's babydaddy will be cleared up. Paris Hilton got skewered on The View for her scoffing at doing community service, then got mad that smarter people had the audacity to cross her. That girl's peaked already, so unless she does something new and amazing (like become articulate, get a degree of some kind), the low ratings of her show will continue. If my gramma were alive she'd kick Paris's bony butt. Whenever I spent too long in a lethargic stupor from hours of television, Gramma S.'s shoe would hit my backside until I got a bucket and started pulling weeds in the garden. I'm still a lazy sh*t.

Is it true that Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson have split? Cameron Diaz and A-Rod, too. Lastly, Olivia Wilde seems to be making up for years of not being able to sew her wild oats--linked to Bradley Cooper, Justin Timberlake and someone else, but keep forgetting. Well, good for her! (wear a condom)

It's All Thanks to The Donald!

I can totally see The Donald taking credit for bin Laden's death. If he hadn't pushed Obama to reveal his birth certificate, our President wouldn't have found the wherewithal to show he was a leader. I must say, the timing is quite interesting. Trump goading, Obama revealing, Correspondents Dinner, and the most sought-after kill of the last 30 years. Mission accomplished and on Obama's watch. I don't any feel better. Maybe the news didn't sink in. Maybe it's because I spent a lot of time at Ground Zero. Maybe because this will surely beget more violence. Dish's brain is fuzzy.

So let's go back to silly stuff. Did you see pictures of Sean Penn and Scarlett holding hands at the Correspondents dinner? What did you think of Seth Meyers' speech? It was okay, what I'd expect and it's the right audience for him. Would've rather seen Colbert...

Makeup Melting and It's Not Even 9 am

I can totally sympathize with Catherine Zeta-Jones. This tap dancing T Mobile goddess checked into a facility to treat her Bipolar Disorder. Who knew she suffered from this? I'd need to be hospitalized if TG had just gone through chemo/radiation for throat cancer, along with long court battle with rubber-faced ex-wife. Get well soon, CZJ!

On a happier note, Scarlett has allegedly moved in with Sean Penn. 24 year age difference but love is love. Dish wants to know, who's the bigger slob. I'd venture that it's Scarlett. She seems like the type to leave pizza crusts under the bed.

Kobe Bryant issued a gay slur during a game. It always shocks me when sports figures act badly. Maybe he can buy someone a big diamond bauble and make it all go away.

I thought the mob was so ten years ago, but apparently the Gotti story is being made into a movie starring John Travolta and Lindsay Lohan. I can see John--especially after his excellent stint as Clinton in Primary Colors, but Lindsay won't do more than sport an accent and look blonde. I hope I'm surprised.

Will You Be Watching the Royal Wedding?

William and Kate's wedding. Does Dish wake up early to watch live or DVR? So many options in the modern age. I thought I cared more about the wedding, but as it turns out, I was more interested in MY wedding.

The Flip Cam is no longer. Was it something we said?

Is it my imagination or is Nurse Jackie not as good this season? Maybe it's because she's not having sex with Eddie. I still enjoy her hidden pill popping.

We're seeing The Book of Mormon on Broadway this weekend. Not surprised it's getting good reviews since it's written by geniuses. Broadway isn't used to great writing these days.

Dish Confessions and Thoughts:

1. If Nick Rhodes and I worked together, we would have creative differences.
2. I'd like to be one of the Real Housewives...just for a week.
3. Jennifer Hudson and Sarah Rue looked more beautiful with extra poundage.
4. My ultimate girl crushes are Katherine Moennig and Jane Lynch. (I broke up with Jennifer Connelly due to low visibility)
5. The little mics hooked to actors on stage really bother me. What happened to projecting?
6. Worried about Natalie Portman's romantic future.
7. I don't believe the rumor that Scarlett Johansson is pregnant with Sean Penn's child. I think she's just fleshy because she doesn't exercise. Still gorgeous (see #3).

Did You Watch "Mildred Pierce?"

Dish JUST got rid of HBO (to justify getting DVR) so missed Mildred Pierce last night. I will rent it, even though first reviews from friends (except for JJ) have been poor, saying that it's boring. Joan Crawford is tough to top or even equal.

Fellow Duranies, Simon Le Bon threw out his back right before his performance tonight--so had to re-SHedule. Wonder what tipped off the spasm. Today's lesson: Stilettos can be murder on the lumbar region.

I'm over them as a couple but Scarlett allegedly brought Sean Penn to Reese's wedding. Can you imagine all those celebrities using the same bathroom? The artifacts one could collect--dizzying. Though Dish has her boundaries.

Suckerpunch did poorly at the box office and not sure why this makes me happy. Probably because it looks and feels too derivative of Sin City/300/The Spirit/The Watchmen?

Dishbrother continues to torture me with Charlie Sheen packages. Oh, that didn't sound good. Can you believe? A whole few days without him in the headlines. HAS BEEN.

Moving day coming soon. We are rechannelling to larger quarters. To combat this intense stress, will watch the premiere of the always excellent Nurse Jackie. The Godiva is gone. What's left in the medicine cabinet?

Celebrity Euthanasia!

Thank goodness the U.S. has the attention span of a gnat. One scandal-ridden person in the headlines, then another. I'm sick of reading the tabs right now because only one boring sad person dominates them. I won't say who but it makes me think that euthanasia should be practiced on humans more often.

On a more gray and withered note, Sean Penn and Scarlett Johanssen might have been in Mexico together. How could his shriveled, tar-tinged fingers come in contact with her peaches and cream melons? I do love him as an actor.

Finally, Dish has started the second season of Nurse Jackie. I figured out why Edie Falco looks older than her husband. Because she's an addict. As with he who shall not be named who is in the headlines now, substance abusers tend to look like sh*t (I can already hear JJ saying, "So what's your excuse, *%&$*?"). Of course, the husband would look better as he seems grounded. Love Edie's sass and celebrate Nurse Jackie's ability to juggle so much. She would be the perfect person to administer the fatal drip to certain marquis annoyances.

"Before the Rain" Video Filming

Duran Duran and I have ESP. No sooner does Dish publicly state passion for their last track on new album than they FILM it. Let's hope video comes out soon enough to satisfy obsessive fans! I ate a big brownie just to celebrate. Well, I would have eaten it without the DD news. I did 90 minutes of cardio, okay?

Scary OldManP--s + Young Starlet Alert: Scarlett Johanssen and Sean Penn dating? They are both sexy beasts into charity and I kinda get it but still: ewww. Before I see multiple denials from their reps, I'll dream about them together. Ewww.

(Cover your eyes, JJ) Dishbrother surprised me with tickets to see Kathy Griffin on March 11th on Broadway! Love her and cannot wait. Three Gingies in one theater--too amazing!

Right now I'm catching up on my The Good Wife. Perfect role for Julianna Margulies. She was also good in Steven Seagal's Marked for Death.

I Think Keanu Might Have Had a Face Lift

Rent The Private Lives of Pippa Lee directed by Rebecca Miller. Keanu is "35." No amount of "diet and exercise" can make him shed 10 years so easily (wonder how loud I will laugh in theater if Julia is "34" in Eat Pray Love). It's a little spooky how waxy Keanu looks but I applaud his performance. He could have done much more sh*t in his career and he chooses a variety of roles. Long live Keanu even if his face is smooth and tight.

Dish made a little faux pas, which I'm now publicizing. In the movie, I thought Alan Arkin's first wife was played by a pulled and stuffed Isabelle Adjani. Turns out, it was Monica Bellucci, who is too gorgeous for this earth. It would have been sooo awkward to cast Isabelle since she doinked Daniel Day Lewis in his prime, bore their love child Gabriel Kane, then he went off and married the writer/director Rebecca. Talk about Bruce/Ashton/Demi. Crisis averted!

Bottom line: I love it when Robin Wright Penn works (and that she STETs the lines in her forehead). It's a nice reward for marriage with Sean Penn. I hope she pulls a Nicole Kidman and wins an Oscar now they're divorcing. Her household will be far more hygienic. Though I love Sean Penn, too.

Nature Freaks

Dish viewed Into The Wild, that nature flick starring the delectable Emile Hirsch (loved by every gay boy I know--peen viewing at 1:29 mark). While Dish is not into pooping in the woods, the nature was luscious and I could almost see myself hiking. Almost. Lovely direction by Mr. Sean Penn with a pleasantly languid pace and wild man Eddie Vedder singing throughout. It reminded me of Agnes Varda's Sans Toit, Ni Lois starring the fabulous Sandrine Bonnaire. Moral of the story: When you reject indoor plumbing and McDonald's, you die.

But you do get a movie made about you.

Free At Last

Robin Wright Penn filed for divorce from Sean Penn. While Dish loves his acting, I've waited so long for this. Let's hope it sticks. I always wondered if Robin was Sean's rebound after Madonna. Back then, they looked a little similar. Maybe...and this is wishful thinking...maybe Sean and Madonna will get back together. They've matured over the years. It would be an epic reunion.

Oscar

The complaining about Oscar hosts post-Billy Crystal bores me. That little twerp was good but Hugh Jackman delivered. The dazzling opening number gave me goosebumps, especially when my arch-nemesis, Anne Hathaway, showed off her pipes. Yes, I hate her because Superman adores All-American brunettes. Even I had to admit she's multi-faceted (with huge teeth). Other thoughts:

Mickey Rourke looked fantastic in white. Good hair, excellent glittering pinky ring.

Sarah Jessica has had work done. We were trying to figure out what but got only as far as cheek implants.

My party praised Marisa Tomei, thought she should have won for letting the cameras explore her nakedness in The Wrestler.

Speaking of nakedness, Kate won, which was no surprise. Enjoyed her father's whistle.

Loved Amy Adams's necklace and dress, just not together.

I asked innocently if Barbara Walters had had a facelift and my party laughed uproariously.

Every time they flashed on Frank Langella, I couldn't help but remember his running naked in Lolita.

Was Beyonce lip-synching and "does the Pope sh*t in the woods?" as someone in my party asserted.

We loved Meryl Streep's gunbattle gray dress and elegant hair.

Sean Penn can call me a "commie, homo-loving son of a gun" anytime. His butt looked great in jeans throughout Milk. Oscar for his butt's performance alone.

The shot of Angelina during Jennifer Aniston's presentation was gross.

As I thought, PC awards to all! Harvey Milk won over a rueful wrestler. Twin Towers, poverty in India, cleft palates, Nazi Germany and its horrors, and a dead actor (who really should have won for Brokeback Mountain!). Not that I'm complaining--just noticing a long-time trend!

Madonna and A-Rod

2gether 4ever? I don't think so. Madonna still hasn't met her match in terms of superstardom (though Sean Penn was oh-so-close). Now if Jesus were alive... Because M's divorcing, this fling with a mortal is understandable. After bad breakups, you need someone really good-looking to reinflate the ego and tell you you're pretty (Thank you, Superman). So, everyone should ignore the secret meetings between Mad-Rod. Not True Blue.