Too Much Demise in One Week...

First Marcia Wallace, then Lou Reed follow the white light into legend, both icons--if you remember Newhart along with The Simpsons. Lou Reed I discovered in high school, though more powerfully when Duran Duran covered one of his songs.

Even sadder to me, one of my classmates collapsed at a gym and passed away last week--massive heart attack. I didn't know him well but during a party in 2008, I was there with a questionable boyfriend. Said classmate told me I looked amazing and touched my ass while reaching for his drink. It was the most affection I'd gotten in a while so I appreciated it. Five seconds later, he was seriously PDA-ing with his girlfriend. I've spent the last 24 hours reading tributes to him on his FB page. Very sobering, thus lack of attention to the stars.

My update is yesterday's news: Jamie Dornan is the new Christian Grey--another fine casting choice. And if you've seen him play a serial killer on The Fall, you are so excited. He may even be more appropriate than Charlie Hunnam, though not as raw and sexy. More like serial killer/dangerous sexy. He will be an eerie and intense Christian.

There was a seriously stupid public display of cheating between Katherine McPhee and her Smash director, who is married to goddess Mary McCormack, who must be totally pissed. If you don't want pictures taken, don't make out in public, you idiots!

So this went viral. I still sort of think Russell is a jackass. This didn't totally blow my mind but I'll buy into it a little.

Dishbrothersidekick Just Blew My Mind

Forgive my absence. My problem this week was living too much in the celebrity present. Tonight, Dishbrothersidekick pulled me from the edge of Lamar-Khloe-Dina-Lohan-DUI-Lindsay-side-boob-reveal hell. Stars are so completely boring these days with:

1. blissful union
2. reality show
3. boredom
3. despair/drunkenness
4. rehab
5. exit from rehab
6. desperate bid for more fame
7. back to rehab
8. reality show ten years later

This depresses me. I'm saved now. Let's live in the past, where celebrities were just as wasted but way more exciting! So, DBSK and I were having a side conversation at dinner about Kylie Minogue and he mentioned how she and Michael Hutchence of INXS were doing it--he says married but I verified three times that they were just consistently banging (in an airplane?). I would have never put those two together--and had NO IDEA that they traded fluids--so I spent two hours on Google, going back in time and reliving salaciousness of the 90s--which always brings me back to Duran Duran (Simon wrote a song for Michael after he died, Michael that is), who are past, present and future in all arenas (if you're a Duranie you get this amazing joke).

Back to the present, all I have to say is: That bitch. Hands off my Julia!

Oh yeah, and Mario Lopez and his lovely wife gave their new son a normal name, Dominic, and for this, I love them. Emily Blunt is preggo.

Dish Has Remembered John Taylor's Birthday 30 Times!

January 1983: New semester at my boarding school. I was still wearing velour, but had started using my allowance to puff away on Merit Ultra Lights. My BFF brought me presents from Germany and news of a phenomenon sweeping Europe and soon the U.S. She showed me a picture of the band, and I pointed: Who's THAT fox? "That's John." Dish was hooked. Spent many years filling journals full of John Taylor (though stopping upon news of his first marriage--okay, maybe sooner than that). Even though I've moved on from my celebrity crushes except for Jane Lynch, the entire cast of Arrested Development I still remember JT's birthday and wonder if he identifies himself as a Gemini or a Cancer. He seems like a Cancer to me Geminis are insane.

Aside from this, Dish had a fruitful day, a long discussion about the Kardashians with Dishmama, who always makes me feel intelligent even while I'm talking about stupid things. That's what a good mother does. Of course, I'm following the mourning over James Gandolfini. Never got too into The Sopranos but appreciate actors who stand out.

Kim and Kanye have named their baby North West. I'm not kidding.

Breakups and Babies!

I liked the pairing of Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen (who had a baby with Kate Beckinsale) so their recent breakup makes me wonder where we're headed as a society. They could have made The Notebook II. Now he might have to go back to playing Tony Blair forever. She'll take over where Jennifer Garner has left off. I don't like it.

Today Perez Hilton announced that he is a dad. I bet he'll be great at it--said with absolutely no WASP sarcasm. He's smart, has resources and seems to have a moral compass. Again, no sarcasm. I really mean it.

The best part about today--other than clean laundry, covert purchase of another Jersey Boys ticket and secret eating of mini-Rittersport and hiding evidence before TG could see it--is that Duran Duran's John Taylor now has dual citizenship, i.e. he and I are both Americans. I will now speak with a British accent!

TG is eating tripe soup. Major ewwww. Do all boys eat like that?

Get Into the Pleasure Groove (Mixed Madonna/John Taylor Metaphor!)

This book came out in October. Since I spent a few years (10) obsessed with John Taylor, you'd think I'd have used my connections I don't have any to get an advanced copy. I even signed up for his reading in New York--but didn't go. The book sat on my reading table for months. I dreaded reading it. What if it was ... bad? I already had a depressing DD concert experience at Foxwoods, realizing I'm just not cool enough to be in the DD inner circle. Why do more?

I took a leap of faith. I read the first page, then the next. Then the chapters couldn't go by fast enough. Sure, JT had help sculpting the prose, but the voice was so clever I'm so British with memories lovingly rendered. DishNarcissism took over in some places and I made connections to what I was going through at the same time! Oh sure, Antigua. I remember that. Didn't you guys get sick on that boat? Why did you and Renee break up? Oh right, I remember now. Really, you actually walked by Bryan Ferry? How awesome is that. It was a nice blast from the past.

The best part about this autobiography for me was how he got sober. It all seemed very civilized and under the radar. No ODing in a hotel room or accidentally shooting himself in the hand. He was just f*cked up for too long. He went to rehab, done, and developed ways of coping that don't involve being on TV 24/7. Anyway, it was inspiring to me. A must read for anyone who loves Duran Duran--which is most people.

Where Is My Merch, @DuranDuran?

Many months ago, I signed up to be a Gold Member of the Duran Duran fan club. This means I get lots of free sh*t for only 70$. I'm supposed to get a letter from the band, certificate of Duran Duran awesomeness, a Nick Rhodes tongue depressor, Simon's speedo circa 2008, the witchy spell to conjure Roger Taylor's intensity, special John Taylor nose hair plucked from his coke days and laminated, and Dom's new CD. I want this sh*t.

Do I dare pull out the big guns and start obsessing over Spandau Ballet instead?

Oh wait! Apologies. Forgot that Mercury has been in Retrograde!

Happy Birthday, Simon Le Bon!

How could I spend even one minute out of the last 24 hours thinking of anything other than Simon Le Bon's 54th birthday?

Happy Birthday, Charlie Shakespeare von Itch! One of my favorite divas on earth.

Genius Is Gooder than Greed

I always thought the Wachowski siblings were special geniuses because of The Matrix franchise and now I feel this doubly from watching this intriguing speech by Lana Wachowski. She makes me want to read a book and be smarter! Plus, this hair is something I have to have for myself. Will this get to me to see Cloud Atlas? I haven't trusted a Tom Hanks in a while...

Why Colbert is brilliant.


Today was a remarkable day for Duran Duran's John Taylor. Not only has he made the NYT list but he has also screwed with the cops and was caught by TMZ!!! We are so proud of you, Nigel John!!!

Sorry for the shortie. Dish is totally absorbed by Sons of Anarchy. It's a sickness called Katey Sagal!!!

Star Sighting--Kyle MacLachlan!!!

9:56am, 87th and Amsterdam: Dishbrother spotted this Twin Peaks/Desperate Housewife god smiling and carrying a script. DB said Kyle looked AMAZING. Dish believes it after a sighting at Le Singe Vert where he did seem to glow with heavenly light. His Adonis-ness was hidden by Marc Cherry who sat on it, put it in a wheelchair and grayed its hair.

It's official that Jef(f) and Emily from The Bachelorette are not lost in love. Jef is spending his post-breakup time with Arie Luyenigiveup. This would hint at the possibility that Emily ain't no cakewalk as a fiancee. Though if I were that pretty and young, I might be trying to get on every show I could. I should do that now.

The Debate: Obama kicked ass. Media is reluctant to say decisively who won. Candy Crowley skewered for biased moderating. Please. No one went after Tim Russert for his anti-Hillary, pro-Obama moderating.

Beyonce announced as halftime show for the Superbowl. Zzzzzz. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will host the Golden Globes. Sorry, but Ricky Gervais is the best. I love both women. Would rather Ricky! He knows how to keep it un-PC.

Lance Armstrong is on a downward spiral. Nothing is worse than the cancer he survived. Perspective is everything.

Nike hasn't dropped me as a sponsor. I'm in a special hell--one that would keep me from John Taylor's book signing, which I wish I could have attended--but nothing I can't handle. Worse is a gun at your back, threat of death, decades of nightmares and despair. Bad TV and Jersey Boys soundtrack keep a girl going.

I may not have made it to John Taylor's signing today...

...but this nugget arrived just in time to prevent my nervous breakdown. Maybe I'll meet Duran Duran in the next life. My love is eternal.

All I need is now.

Not Going to JT's Book Signing?

Say it ain't so, Dish! I fear the idea of long lines and no autograph, the hours of waiting have influenced my decision to absent myself from John Taylor's In the Pleasure Groove book signing on Tuesday 10/16 at B&N. It's excruciatingly appropriate my name is Patience. Plus, I'm metaphorically getting screwed up the ass with twenty dry dildos* in a different life sector. I must stay alert, like Jason Bourne. If I had a VIP pass, I'd be at JT's signing in a nanosecond, but no, 30 years of adoration later, I'm still waiting in lines.

It's time for me to be a diva.

*Sorry, Mom and Aunties.

Will I Get John Taylor's Autograph...

...if I stubbornly arrive half an hour before his reading on 10/16 at Barnes & Nobles? I *love* Duran Duran. I love John Taylor. I want to read his book and for me it's a write-off. But I refuse to wait 10 hours for a sh*tty place in line because I'm 44!!! Dish needs her beauty sleep and has been uncomfortable enough in her life. Judging from all the chatter on DD fan boards, I'm pretty well screwed for even getting a place in line for his reading. If only I could have flaunted my work in publishing but I haven't got time for the pain. Help!
 
My health this week hasn't been optimum, possibly because I'm so nervous about tonight's debate. Or I've had two mac and cheese nights in a row and bagels and mashed potatoes. Did I mention the chocolate gorging? Maybe too much self-reward for running 6 miles on Monday...

MacKenzie Phillips was one scary bitch on last night's Criminal Minds. She was my favorite on One Day at a Time--though I love my Valerie Bertinelli (thin or fat), too. Ever since she aired all her dirty laundry, I wondered when Mac-Phil would get back to acting, like in those fun cameo roles. Now here she is! I hope she keeps at it. She's an awesome villain.

Big Bird is so pissed at Mitt Romney! Watch here.



Today's King of Style and Substance: Jack White

I Snorted the Ravages of Time and Still Came Out in the Top 1% of Gorgeous

I'm sad that Jennie Garth is publicizing her miraculous 30-pound weight loss on the cover of People. She looked great with a little divorce cushion. Now she's just another skinny minnie. What's wrong with these women? I flipped through the mag, hoping for literary aloe for my fragile psyche. No, wait that Lark Saved by the Bell chick has Bipolar (who doesn't) and her remarkable journey. Flip a little more, ah, eureka, p. 95 reveals an exquisite human in the form of John Taylor, my first Duran-love, and his new life/love/book, which Dish pre-ordered the second it was announced. Can't wait to read it. Can't wait for his NYC signing. I hope I actually get in. Did he get Botox?

Dish took a day hiatus to be domestic. I'm ironing TG's shirts and running errands, folding laundry and whipping up exotic dinners for my man. Ha! Well, I am ironing shirts, which I love to do. Last night we attended a wedding reception. I felt right at home with the table of cupcakes. TG found two potential long-lost relatives and one new lifelong friend. I love that I married a socially adept person. I'm the girl who hovers on the periphery and waits for someone to approach. TG catches people's eyes and starts up conversations, works the room as if he lives there. He's so poopular!


This weekend's obsessions:

Just started reading the It-book of the year (aside from that other one) Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Nicely done so far. And then I ventured into the documentary 51 Birch Street, by filmmaker Doug Block, about his parents' marriage. My goodness. I was expecting a sappy family montage but he delves into his parents' fifty-year marriage and its shocking secrets. I was moved to tears by the end. All families have their secrets. I'm the type who wants to know all of them--I don't care how bad.

Congratulations to Audra McDonald and Will Swenson on their marriage. I just IMDB-ed them and discovered both these f*ckers are younger than I am!!! Oh the inhumanity!!!

We Were on The Today Show...

...for a split second yesterday. Our appearance is so minimal that I haven't even watched. You know I can't get enough of seeing myself on TV. Well, I'm also a mite angry at Matt for his extreme douchiness so avoid The Today Show. The segment was on Facebook, which is responsible for my marriage (Skype and our high school helped). By the way, Robin Roberts is doing well after bone marrow transplant. Go GMA Team!

Lots of sensational news. By sensational, I mean over the top. Ben and Courtney from The Bachelor broke up! He's semi-hideous and she is crazy.* How long could it last? I'm only await the announcement that Jef and Emily are also splitsville. Let's not pretend that these reality shows create real couples. It is simply a way for one person to have sex/get drunk/make out with as many people as possible.

If things couldn't get more sick, the rumor mill alleges Chris Brown and Rihanna are "friends" again, which is code for banging. I don't see how this could end in a good way. Maybe when we stop caring about them, they'll go on Couples Therapy, which is a super-lame, trainwreck of a show, not at all devoted to therapy but peacocking for the cameras and starting fights. I COULD DO THAT! Hello, TG and I are masters of antics. I even have a purple wig.

Adele's song for the new James Bond Skyfall is out. I sort of like it. Very classic and Bondesque, like older Bond songs. Of course my fave is Duran Duran's View to a Kill, The Living Daylights by A-Ha, then Another Way to Die with Gods Jack White and Alicia Keys.

Speaking of Bond, my favorite JB of all time will be hosting SNL this weekend. I hope he's hilarious.

*just as they appear on the show, which I'm sure is not real life.

In This Time of Crisis...

...a French magazine has nothing better to do than publish photos of Kate Middleton topless, thereby spoiling our visions of her in sleek solid dresses and skyscraper heels. Now all we see are her tatas. Celebrity breasts are invading the world!

I'm going to escape Mammary Cove with a Director's Guild viewing of End of Watch, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, who will appear in person for a Q&A session. It goes without saying that Dish and Dishbrother's gorgeosity will make it hard for Jakeipoo to concentrate. But we're married, therefore, off limits. And yet, I wouldn't mind a peck on the cheek because those are the lips that kissed Heath Ledger, one of my favorite actors ever. Jake is no slouch either. Maybe if Maggie shows, we could go out on a double sibling date.

On this double sibling date, I'd ask all kinds of questions. Like how Maggie felt taking over for Katie Holmes in the Batman movies. Did Jake like dating Reese or was she a total bitch? No, she was probably awesome. Why wouldn't she be? What was with the homoerotic workout fests with Jake, McConaughey and Lance? And is Peter Skarsgard (or whatever), Maggie's husband, still running in barefoot sneakers or did he give them up as Dish did? I think I'd have more in common with Maggie though it's not as if this is Duran Duran.

I'm sure I'll still need a Snickers to relax.

I Didn't Do It

Dish in Sicily, 1989.

In Case You Missed the Republican Convention...

...Here's what happened:

Rick Santorum: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.
Ann Romney: I love Mitt.
Chris Christie: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.

And yet, it was such a sexy grouping of Caucasians!

Even hotter were the updates on Hurricane Isaac by ever-luscious Anderson Cooper and some hunkalicious meteorologist. Anderson's hair was totally f*cked from the rain, which made the reporting authentic. Dish kept hoping the rain would blur the camera, shielding viewers from a soft brush of lips. Oh, whoops? Dish has been missing her Queer As Folk. CNN is all I have...

With one week left, DD canceled the rest of its tour. Kinda cringe-worthy, isn't it? One lap left of the marathon and Nick was felled by a virus. Reminds me of when I slept through my very first college class: Calculus II--a moment I'll never get back. I disappointed everyone, especially the barely-conscious octogenarian prof who gave me a C- (I should have failed). I needed my sleep. Sometimes, you just have to stop the world.

Because Donald Trump Is So Gorgeous!!!

Sir Ginger Combover Red Dye #69 Snapper Donald Trump shot a steaming wad from his piehole, attacking Arianna Huffington for whatever reason. He thinks her husband was right to leave her because she's an uggo. Funny, he said this right around the time Dishcat took a steamer on the carpet and called it breakfast. The hole in the ozone widened just a little more, just as polls laughed at his idea to run for President in 2016. SGC's wives, surely, love him for his poetic soul and daunting charisma, the way his stormy eyes glisten when he sees a child hugging a stuffed bear. It's not the money. He is a beautiful man inside and out*.

Bachelor Pad Observation: The best part about this show is the burgeoning love between evil Kalon and sweet Lindzi. The next best thing is watching the Mensa candidates participate in a spelling bee. What dastardly beings these producers are! Lastly, Ed is a tool. I think we've all dated several versions of him. A faux hawk at his age = lame.

DD Update: They've canceled Ohio gig, which is so understandable. If you're sick, it's the last place you want to be.** Get better, Nick Rhodes. If you have that nasty sore throat/chest/streppy thing, it takes weeks to recover, but a Z-pack antibiotic will wipe out the worst of it. Take a flashlight to the throat for advanced entertainment.

Roger Moore's favorite bond is Daniel Craig. Dish's too! Though Roger is #2 for me.

*NOT!

**Please, PC police and residents of Ohio, allow Dish her hatred of Ohio. It's based on years of concrete experience, including birth which my parents couldn't help. At least I was born in the USA.

Ps. Arianna is hot. And way powerful.

I Think I Need To Give Up Meat and Frito's

Dish pulled a Britney and devoured a whole bag of Frito's at 11pm, justifying that I needed "fuel to continue working." Then I finished the marinated beef TG made for dinner. This morning, I feel like Merritt Parkway roadkill. No more junk food and meat. Dishmama will have to work that much harder to fatten me up (there's always cake).

Lindsay Lohan is in more trouble. Maybe she should just go directly to jail. If she's a jewel thief, she's a bad one as she keeps getting caught. Go to college and take some humanities courses, Lindz. There's a big world out there. In the meantime, I'm going to blame Lindsay for everything that goes wrong in my life.

I know many of you despaired over my existential misery at the last Duran Duran concert at Foxwoods. Never fear! I signed up to be a "GOLD" (Spandau Ballet song) member of their fan club, which means lots of merchandise and access to stuff! I'm not sure I have time for full-on psychosis but what the hay. Don't tell TG.

Last night, I tried to watch Bachelor Pad, but TG protested, saying it wasn't "virile" enough. So we watched Cupcake Wars instead. I insisted that Florian wears lipstick, but TG maintain the French pastry master's ruby red lips are perfectly natural.

I Hate to Break It To You...

...but there is nothing going on today*. We are so bored. TG is listening to a Rabbi and Muslim debate Jesus on Youtube. We're one step away from watching Small Town Security, except Dish erased them before TG could find them in our queue.

I was so bored, celebrity-wise, I searched for updates on Nick Rhodes's health. The word "exhaustion" always raises a red flag for me, but I can't believe Master Rhodes would ever, ever abuse his body with anything other than cigarettes, vino and vegetarianism. I found no news and can only pray he recovers swiftly with B-12 shots and a few days' rest. On the treadmill, I wondered what I'd do if one of the Durans got really ill. I don't know how I'd cope. You hear about illness all the time but when it hits someone close to you...

I need to eat dinner.

Congratulations to Rosie O'Donnell on her marriage. I managed to see a snippet of Kelsey Grammer and his new wife interviewed by Oprah. Just bizarre, but she seems nice. Jennie Garth has lost a lot of weight (boo), looks haggard amidst all the praise for her skinniness.

TG is cooking. Who needs to be deathly thin when someone is willing to cook for you?

*Except for Isaac's "surges" and the Republican Convention.