In Case You Missed the Republican Convention...

...Here's what happened:

Rick Santorum: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.
Ann Romney: I love Mitt.
Chris Christie: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.

And yet, it was such a sexy grouping of Caucasians!

Even hotter were the updates on Hurricane Isaac by ever-luscious Anderson Cooper and some hunkalicious meteorologist. Anderson's hair was totally f*cked from the rain, which made the reporting authentic. Dish kept hoping the rain would blur the camera, shielding viewers from a soft brush of lips. Oh, whoops? Dish has been missing her Queer As Folk. CNN is all I have...

With one week left, DD canceled the rest of its tour. Kinda cringe-worthy, isn't it? One lap left of the marathon and Nick was felled by a virus. Reminds me of when I slept through my very first college class: Calculus II--a moment I'll never get back. I disappointed everyone, especially the barely-conscious octogenarian prof who gave me a C- (I should have failed). I needed my sleep. Sometimes, you just have to stop the world.

4 and 1/2 Hours Until...

Duran Duran Mash-Up on Glee tonight. Bomer and Criss do Le Bon. For the love of Simon, John, Nick, Roger and Dom, let it be awesome!

Can you feel the rage of Alec Baldwin's stalker? I'm fascinated by stalker language (I must see you, let's have a baby, I need your baby). This one's slightly intelligent, only because she got herself on the front page of The Post (Dish's dream), tarnishing Baldwin's engagement glow. The problem is that stalker's fifteen minutes should last about two since her repertoire is kinda skimpy. Stalker needs to spread her seed, seek out other stars and then gossip about it with friends, build her entourage and rep, minimizing her lame stalking. No man wants a woman who's chasing after him, calling him constantly. The Rules go double with a celebrity. Like I know...

Half Pint hurt herself on DWTS--and no Ma and Pa to tend to her wounds!

Amanda Bynes, stop drinking and get back to work. We want What a Girl Wants II. She is so darling. I hate to imagine her loaded on whiskey sours.

Bikini shot of Julia and I noticed...a tattoo in the bitch spot. You know what this means, don't you? Dish needs one.

Santorum dropping out of race. Hmmmmm. VP candidate?

And who is this new group One Direction? Do I need to know about them? Am still pondering the cultural relevance of Justin Bieber (the haircut is getting olddddd).

Ps. Today Steven Seagal turns really old.

Celebrating a Survivor--Elizabeth Smart

I remember an afternoon in March, 2003, running on a treadmill, probably feelin' ennui when it flashed on the TV screen that Elizabeth Smart had been found alive after a nine-month abduction. I started crying openly in the gym, in front of everyone. I had to leave and then I cried some more on the way home. Life is good! She'd gone through something so horrible. People usually don't survive this, but this brave girl survived that and all the years after. She just got married two weeks ago. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Okay, let's move on to a travesty. Lindsay Lohan allegedly was cast to play Elizabeth Taylor in a movie (Lifetime, I think, but still) about her love with Richard Burton. What do you think of that, J.J.? Are you bleeding from the eyes? Because I am! Wondering which bland TV star will be cast as Richard....

Wait. There's more. Listen to this garbage and feel inflamed (in more than the hemorrhoidal, STD way) by Rick Santorum's out of touch rantings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrZtlnsBq_Y.

And if you weren't already outraged: That cute little girl on E.T. might have a bun in the oven. Yes, Drew Barrymore was caught carrying a sonogram, coming out of a doctor's office with her beau. Guys usually don't GO to doctor appointments unless baby related, he's violently whipped, or it's serious. Shocking that Fury is even having sex at her age.

The last rumor that seems so ridiculous but time will tell: Booby Brown might be reviving his tell-all book about life with Whitney. Get a ghostwriter, STAT, because something else will take center stage.

Spoiler alert for last night's The Bachelor: I was wrong about who should win. Well, she got voted off and in the Rejection Limo proved she let out months' worth of pent-up wild sobbing. But seriously, she seemed like a nice girl. Now I put all my money on Lyndzi. Sadly, The Bachelor will most likely follow his 'nads and pick the bad girl who skinny-dipped with him. Mood-swinging naked model trumps all.