Where Is My Merch, @DuranDuran?

Many months ago, I signed up to be a Gold Member of the Duran Duran fan club. This means I get lots of free sh*t for only 70$. I'm supposed to get a letter from the band, certificate of Duran Duran awesomeness, a Nick Rhodes tongue depressor, Simon's speedo circa 2008, the witchy spell to conjure Roger Taylor's intensity, special John Taylor nose hair plucked from his coke days and laminated, and Dom's new CD. I want this sh*t.

Do I dare pull out the big guns and start obsessing over Spandau Ballet instead?

Oh wait! Apologies. Forgot that Mercury has been in Retrograde!

In Case You Missed the Republican Convention...

...Here's what happened:

Rick Santorum: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.
Ann Romney: I love Mitt.
Chris Christie: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.

And yet, it was such a sexy grouping of Caucasians!

Even hotter were the updates on Hurricane Isaac by ever-luscious Anderson Cooper and some hunkalicious meteorologist. Anderson's hair was totally f*cked from the rain, which made the reporting authentic. Dish kept hoping the rain would blur the camera, shielding viewers from a soft brush of lips. Oh, whoops? Dish has been missing her Queer As Folk. CNN is all I have...

With one week left, DD canceled the rest of its tour. Kinda cringe-worthy, isn't it? One lap left of the marathon and Nick was felled by a virus. Reminds me of when I slept through my very first college class: Calculus II--a moment I'll never get back. I disappointed everyone, especially the barely-conscious octogenarian prof who gave me a C- (I should have failed). I needed my sleep. Sometimes, you just have to stop the world.

Because Donald Trump Is So Gorgeous!!!

Sir Ginger Combover Red Dye #69 Snapper Donald Trump shot a steaming wad from his piehole, attacking Arianna Huffington for whatever reason. He thinks her husband was right to leave her because she's an uggo. Funny, he said this right around the time Dishcat took a steamer on the carpet and called it breakfast. The hole in the ozone widened just a little more, just as polls laughed at his idea to run for President in 2016. SGC's wives, surely, love him for his poetic soul and daunting charisma, the way his stormy eyes glisten when he sees a child hugging a stuffed bear. It's not the money. He is a beautiful man inside and out*.

Bachelor Pad Observation: The best part about this show is the burgeoning love between evil Kalon and sweet Lindzi. The next best thing is watching the Mensa candidates participate in a spelling bee. What dastardly beings these producers are! Lastly, Ed is a tool. I think we've all dated several versions of him. A faux hawk at his age = lame.

DD Update: They've canceled Ohio gig, which is so understandable. If you're sick, it's the last place you want to be.** Get better, Nick Rhodes. If you have that nasty sore throat/chest/streppy thing, it takes weeks to recover, but a Z-pack antibiotic will wipe out the worst of it. Take a flashlight to the throat for advanced entertainment.

Roger Moore's favorite bond is Daniel Craig. Dish's too! Though Roger is #2 for me.

*NOT!

**Please, PC police and residents of Ohio, allow Dish her hatred of Ohio. It's based on years of concrete experience, including birth which my parents couldn't help. At least I was born in the USA.

Ps. Arianna is hot. And way powerful.

I Hate to Break It To You...

...but there is nothing going on today*. We are so bored. TG is listening to a Rabbi and Muslim debate Jesus on Youtube. We're one step away from watching Small Town Security, except Dish erased them before TG could find them in our queue.

I was so bored, celebrity-wise, I searched for updates on Nick Rhodes's health. The word "exhaustion" always raises a red flag for me, but I can't believe Master Rhodes would ever, ever abuse his body with anything other than cigarettes, vino and vegetarianism. I found no news and can only pray he recovers swiftly with B-12 shots and a few days' rest. On the treadmill, I wondered what I'd do if one of the Durans got really ill. I don't know how I'd cope. You hear about illness all the time but when it hits someone close to you...

I need to eat dinner.

Congratulations to Rosie O'Donnell on her marriage. I managed to see a snippet of Kelsey Grammer and his new wife interviewed by Oprah. Just bizarre, but she seems nice. Jennie Garth has lost a lot of weight (boo), looks haggard amidst all the praise for her skinniness.

TG is cooking. Who needs to be deathly thin when someone is willing to cook for you?

*Except for Isaac's "surges" and the Republican Convention.

Snooki Is a Mom

I haven't broken the news to TG, that Snooki had a baby boy. His little girl is all grown up, a mama herself. The lambs are screaming in my head. I think she might be a good mother, after all.

Snooki named her boy Lorenzo. Reminds Dish fondly of the Oberlin, Ohio pizza joint by the same name. It added to my Freshman 15, making my ass into a large, flat caboose. Lorenzo's (and pitchers of Killian's Red) got me through college in the Ohio cornfields. Translating passages of Cicero also helped. I had to throw that in there, didn't I? Money well spent, Dishmama!

Florida is having a hurricane, postponing the Republican Convention. Randy Travis is melting down faster than you can say Wild Turkey. Duran Duran canceled another mega-gig due to illness. My hair is frizzier than ever. Mother Nature is PISSED off about something. I'm sticking 80% dark chocolate on my window sill so she leaves me the f*ck alone -- with all due respect.

Mentionitis: Duran Duran never cancels so keyboardist must be sick as a dog. Because I'm Dish, I can't help but think my panicked vibes from Friday caused this. I feel terrible about letting down the fans.

My Last Duran Duran Concert

Not everything is rosy when it comes to Dish and Duran Duran. My love is tied up in adolescent angst, many shitty albums, abandonment issues with Roger and John, who left the band and almost didn't come back. Dizzying solo projects, untapped movie/book potential. Simon's beard bothers me because it's so obviously hiding middle-aged jowls. He looks like Shakespeare. Nick's brooches resemble the ones I wore circa 1985 but I let it slide because he's so artsy and a trendsetter. My love isn't blind. Okay, I guess I wouldn't change a thing about them.

By choice, I ditched mountains of work and hundreds of dollars to trek out to Foxwoods yesterday. It's a given that Duran Duran is a bright spot, but something made me cry as I left last night's concert. Maybe because they didn't play Rio.

Then it occurred to me: I'm having an existential crisis, which makes sense since I've been reading so much Sartre. These were my desperate thoughts:

I've been a fan for 30 years. I'm too old/too much of a fan to keep getting nosebleed seats. I've never flown First Class either. That really sucks.

The two women next to me were drunk and loud. One of them fell on me. She was a cow.

I always dread the moment when Simon Le Bon picks up a guitar and pretends to strum during Save a Prayer. I hate that song. I hate fake guitar playing. Stop it, Simon.

I didn't have enough space to dance. I didn't know what to do with my hands, so I felt awkward.

They played 17 songs. I knew they were stuck in traffic on the way to Foxwoods, but Dish would never cut it off at 17. What they did play was awesome.

Before the show, I met people who hung out with the band on a regular basis. They were in the very front row, lapping up band-sweat. I was green with envy. I wish I could have tagged along with them, but I was the outsider. Maybe if I'd been pushier...Oh well, I sort of wanted to just go to bed after the show.

If this is so painful, how could I possibly attend John Taylor's book signing on 10/16? I probably wouldn't even get in the door.

It made me sad to realize that I'd need to spend more $$$ on VIP packages, be at death's door or freakishly win some deal from a radio show ever to meet them. Or I'd need to know someone and they'd have to follow through (which usually never happens). I could stake out their hotel in NYC, but I'm not a loser. It must be my choice to be meet-less thirty years later.

This didn't make me feel better. Here's what did:

I left the concert, mascara running, a woman suddenly barfing in front of me, and realized I hit the jackpot when I met TG. He is a real person and gives me joy at every moment (except when he drives in parking garages). He is there at the end. He won 35$ at the slots and got a free Hard Rock Cafe glass -- which is his equivalent to seeing Duran Duran.

A couple years from now, when the closest place they play is Wallingford, Connecticut, I think I will just stay home (unless I win something).

Happy Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Today is the official appreciation day for Duran Duran, though Dish feels this should be a daily event. I greet the dawn with Simon's quirky lyrics filling my head "with chopstick." By mid-morning, my sense of Nick Rhodes aesthetic kicks in. I notice architecture, the ripple in my coffee, well-rounded nostrils. At noon, I Tweet my every move to the masses, just like John Taylor. Tea-time is quiet, like Roger Taylor--well, except for my drumming on the coffee table while watching reruns of Sex and the City. By night I prepare again for my New Religion by rocking out like the unofficial but no less precious member of Duran Duran: the indubitable Dominic Brown. To all this, let's say Amen.

So...my mother has a wild crush on heartily enjoyed the star of Jersey Boys, John Lloyd Young, who dazzled us last night. She raved how impressed she was with his sparkling brown eyes vocal range and could we go see the show again? Tee hee. I bet she's obsessively watching Youtube videos of Jersey Boys right this second to enhance her knowledge of music history. Hurray! This means I might see the show again! Dish is beyond barking-batsh*t-obsessed with the music of Jersey Boys. John Lloyd Young was pure magic.

Rumors that smells like bullcrap: 1. Brangelina getting married this weekend in France? I dunno. This smells old to me. 2. That X-Files costars Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny are doing the XXX, which is the fervent wish of diehard fans (and greatest heartbreak of Disholdestfriend).

Patriarch Joe Simpson was busted for DUI. LOL! Frowny face.

A Diamond in the Mind Is a Girl's Best Friend

If you even mildly like Duran Duran, you will enjoy their latest concert DVD, A Diamond in the Mind, which had a special Facebook premiere this afternoon (TG was so excited!!!). The boys always give good video. You can buy it here. Just remember, you haven't lived until you've seen Simon Le Bon sing "White Lines" in his glittery shirt. Nick Rhodes rocks a diamond brooch like no one else. The "live" Q&A after was a little snoresville since you could only hear them and they sounded suspiciously like my late grandparents.

Dish watched the last bit of Wimbledon where Roger Federer proved once again that beauty and robotic engineering win out over scrappy Scotland. Can't wait for US Open and shots of icy Anna Wintour and aroused Gavin Rossdale in the stands.

Justin Bieber filed a complaint about a nasty pap, which was why he was speeding down the highway. I don't care. He is dead to me since his reference to the "the Sixteenth Chapel" on Letterman.

Barney Frank married his long-time partner and Sienna Miller popped out a baby. Shazam!

Celebrities in the bathroom: I try not to imagine the stars on the can. For some, I can't help myself: John Goodman, Jenny McCarthy, Judd Hirsch, Fergie...but this weekend, another name was added to my list: George Clooney. Isn't that terrible? He and his lady love got food poisoning in Italy, which only means the middle-aged hunk was perched over a toilet, perhaps with projectiles coming from both ends. I'm seeing her sitting in the bidet while he's on the can and spewing into the bathtub. Let's hope someone was there to remove all evidence of the horror.

Is There Life after HBO?

Maybe not since I can't critique Newsroom, the new Jeff Daniels, Emily Mortimer, Aaron Sorkin show. I'll Netflix it just as I did zzzz-Mildred Pierce. But you don't care about what I don't see. There's nothing on with all my stories wrapped up. I only hold on for the final The Closer (so over it), The Real L Word and Bachelor Pad.

Oh right, Sandusky was convicted, as if there was any doubt. Big victories for his victims and those future victims who've been saved. Hallaylooya! So much innocence lost. I do follow the news. Last night, TG and I toyed with the idea of taking a picture of me next to big Anderson Cooper so as to recreate the real-life pic of me and AC. It'll never happen again. His blue eyes are scorching.

It's a heartbreaking day in our household. We finished The Shield. When the final episode ended, we were like WTF was THAT? Open ending with so much ACTING. Blink, Vic. It makes the tears come faster. Think of something SAD! We've decided Walton Goggins wins Best Actor for the series with a special award to Andre Benjamin for being awesome on the show and in general.

Now we are so bored that TG called our landline from his iPad. When I wouldn't pick up the phone (because I knew it was a prank), he answered and conversed with "Nick Rhodes." At least he got the name right, instead of Jill Kardashian!

Breathing the Same Oxygen as You Know Who

Damn you, Nick Rhodes. You're probably strolling by Chelsea art galleries as we speak. I live so close to Barney's Co-op, I could just camp out in the hopes that famous pop stars might need to load up on Kiehl's or 400$ t-shirts. It kills me to think the boys are HERE in NYC. Simon's beard is collecting flotsam and jetsam, covering my favorite diva's fluffy jowls. Then there's John Taylor. Ditching the vices of yesteryear, John is juice detoxing (he Tweets EVERYTHING). From what I know about detoxing, it involves multiple visits to the bathroom and that's too real for me. Dom and Roger are probably sitting somewhere being quiet. Where is Dish? Going about the business, as usual, because I'm not a big freak. Deep down, though, I'm standing near their hotel*, hoping for a peek.

If I have to acknowledge other stars, here you go: That dastardly Gisele might be preggo again. This causes the cosmos to heave majestic beauty hormones so violently, you might have felt a shower of glitter and laughter (saying you're not as sexy as I am, hahahahha!!!). There go my intestines, rumbling sympathetically with John Taylor's spastic colon. Kim revealed to Oprah that her marriage wasn't a sham. This sounds like the most boring interview ever. What else would she say? In sadder news, Ozzy Osbourne's son, Jack, just announced that he has MS. Poor guy. Sending him healing vibes.

Lastly, a virtual high-five to Ronan Farrow, an impressive fellow, who recently decimated his father Woody Allen on Twitter: "Happy father's day -- or as they call it in my family, happy brother-in-law's day." I'm so down with him on vengeance against dads who are sh*ts. Ronan Forever!

*I know which one!

Happy Birthday, Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran!

And you thought I'd forget! He has the best nostrils in the business. I'm not talking drugs here, but actual flare-tastic dream-catchers. Plus, he can carry off adrogyny even into his...FIFTIES!

Cheers to the Duran Duran member I was in love with from 83-4 (I was all about the John-Simon sandwich). If you watch this, you'll experience his pleasant demeanor. It's like a bubbling bath for the tortured soul. If he ever gets stressed, all he has to do is listen to himself.

I might be relaxed enough for a nap.

"I Have a Little Bit of a Temper"

Am I brain damaged or was the Mel Gibson interview on the Tonight Show really strange, disturbing, yet a smidgeon reasonable? It sort of was like Real Housewives in that it involved a group of unlikeable people, venting publicly. Eszterhas seems to loathe women, as does Gibson, they fought, and Jay, well, he has no filter. I guess I never warmed to him after Johnny Carson left, and the Conan fiasco was truly barbaric. He seems to smile away the bad stuff, like when Hugh Grant got caught with the prostitute and he had that "What were you thinking?" line. And yet, despite the insanity, I can't bring myself to throw away my Lethal Weapon DVDs. Luckily, Conspiracy Theory has Julia, thus is a keeper for life.

Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian are at the White House Correspondents Dinner, guests of Fox News. There will be jokes, made by more liberal media (anything is more liberal than Fox!), which will backfire. We've heard enough about these two.

Buffy is preggo with baby #2.

Thank you to Nick Rhodes for his liberal use of eye makeup these last 29 years. I had an errand to run, my face was wan from too much indoor time. I thought of Nick and took out my black eyeliner. It gave me a boost.

My Oscar Predictions Are...

...exactly the same as those of Nick Rhodes and Katy Krassner, who do a rigorous and fascination dissection of each award, including what should win and what WILL win. I tend to side with Katy the most as Nick can be too unwavering in his delicious snootiness (I get it, I spent much of my childhood in Paris and bathed in culture but I can give Sandy an Oscar and live with myself) http://www.duranduran.com/wordpress/2012/nick-katys-2012-oscar-picks/. I love these two! (Esp. Katy. Nick, too)

So, the love story of TG and Dish has spread to other blogs. We found one accounting of our reunion (on lovetrekker.com, right around Valentine's Day) and IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS THERE. We realized this blogger was "on the inside" even though we didn't recognize her. It's official that we're famous. People just keep talking about us.

They do, don't they?

Back to the Republican Debate. It's like watching Seinfeld. Wish one of them would bump into furniture or pee on the chair cushion.

Kim does not look good crying...

Not many celebs do, except for Demi Moore, Julia Roberts, Keanu Reeves, Harrison Ford, and Barbra Streisand. Watch here the raw emotion Kim expresses over her changed feelings for her husband: http://www.eonline.com/videos/kourtney-and-kim-take-new-york-season-4/174759. I have too many TV commitments on Sunday to watch. But I probably will. Not.

Michael Lohan was rushed to the hospital to have emergency heart surgery. Just when you think he got off scot free. A bad ticker is a great equalizer especially if you're violent and awful. Cheers to his health.

Piers Morgan's wife gave birth to a girl named Elise. I was horrified to see that Piers is close to my age, which means I better kick some ass to be as accomplished as he is. Damn!

Another movie is causing convulsions! Breaking Dawn's birth scene is said to make you sick. Maybe because it hurts like hell to give birth?

Dish's new 2012 Duran Duran calendar is here. First off, Dr. Nick Rhodes is wearing a cross broach. Has he found Jesus? If so, why not make the leap to quitting smoking and exercising? Dish doesn't keep up, maybe he's done both. I worry about his health more than the others. Don't know why.

Selena Gomez's mother is preggo. Is she as old as Piers?

Paging Dr. Nick Rhodes

Oh. Not that kind of doctor, eh? Whatever! The University of Bedfordshire has upgraded Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes's title with an honorary doctorate. He is easily due for a degree as his deft use of the English language and fabulous spin have done the band proud for 30+ years. Even more admirable is his devotion/contribution to the art world. Dish is holding up her copy of Interference and yelling to Occupy Wall Street Protesters who are so close,"All hail Dr. Rhodes!"

Some incriminating texts have surfaced where Maria Yeater asks a friend to erase texts referring to her baby's real father (who is not Justin Bieber). JACKASS! If you're going to be a gold-digging liar, at least be smart about it. Dr. Rhodes would no doubt suggest a trip to the Whitney as repentance.

Thank goodness for attention-getters and social media addicts because when you're feeling blue, you feel compelled to share with the world. Medics can be at your house within seconds of your suicidal postings. Kim K's former PR person who went on record calling her marriage a sham got the gag order from Kim's lawyers and then had a mournful, self-flagellating hissy. He's getting medical attention, Thank Jesus. Dr. Rhodes would find such public suffering wasteful of a person's shining potential.

JJ just texted Dish: What do we need? A cure for turrets. When do we need it? C*nt! Dr. Rhodes would never use this vocabulary. He would gel with J.J. like cats in a bag.

Almost forgot: Demi is divorcing Ashton. I'm sure it's irreconcilable differences and they'll remain best friends.

Trick or Treat: Kim Kardashian Filing for Divorce

OMG--and they said it wouldn't last. Can you see how this will prolong the reality show? Jackasses! How casually these brainless boobs treat the sanctity of marriage, though I feel bad for Kris Humphries. He's looked like a deer in headlights from Day 1. So many questions: Will she give back the ring? What about the gifts? Will Kim wind up doing a tearful interview with Baba Wawa? Poor Kim totally upstaged Jessica Simpson who was upstaged 15 years ago by Britney who announced she was preggo.

Even sicker is this picture of Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison dressed as her. They must have the freakiest sex life. This is a Lifetime movie about to erupt. I fear someone will die.

DishFriendwithConnections just showed me recent pics of her with Duran Duran after a concert. I've seen many of these over the years. My future is clear: One day, Dishmama will come home, "Oh I just met this lovely Nick Rhodes at Bergdorf's and we marveled at an emerald tulle cape." Or Dishbrother, "Roger Taylor came in to have his forearms massaged." or DishMatronofHonor: "I met Simon at a drumming ceremony last week. That boy can howl at the moon." Dish will die with Bucket List unresolved. There was an episode of South Park that dealt with this issue but I won't go that far.

So Close to the Stage!

This is what happens when old cell phones take pictures. We were very close to the Almighty Simon. I didn't hyperventilate once and the key is Don't Look Back (because All You Need Is Now) at the crush of people. Indeed, we were in embedded in Duranmania but I kept breathing and singing and dancing. DishfellowDuraniefriend accompanied me, which made all the difference. There's nothing like sharing an obsession with someone who understands. Mark Ronson and Ana Matronic (goddess) guest-starred. A heavenly two hours overall. I went into the concert sick as a dog and emerged cured. Simon's sparkly pants were out of this world, as was Nick's bejeweled brooch.

First Steven Tyler fell in the shower and knocked out his front teeth. I dig. Showers are slippery when wet. That's why Dish puts down a mat for traction. But Steven's story didn't end there. In an update, the slip in the shower was blamed on food poisoning. This qualifier makes me suspicious. If you have food poisoning, why go in the shower since the heat can make you wither further? If you want to hose down a shit-puke perfect storm, I suggest a cold shower administered by a caring assistant. I tend to stay in bed for 7 days before trying to move. I anticipate the next plot point in this story will be: Slipped in the shower because of food poisoning due to exhaustion.

Amy Winehouse's official cause of death: too much booze.

Go See Duran Duran, If You Can

Behold this sh*tty picture, taken by Dish. The blob in the middle is a Simon/John/Dom roast beef sandwich. We got our pic taken by DD's FB team. Then Dish's "Nice butt, Nick" tweet showed up on the Jumbotron during Tiger Tiger. Our seats faced Nick Rhodes's ass so what else could I tweet? Simon's voice has never sounded better. Whatever witch doctor he visited while resting his vocal cords cured him. It was a visual orgy of flashing lights, video clips, triumphant guitars, drums and keyboard--and my new favorite person, Chastity Ashley, on percussion. That Gingie's hair swung to and fro as she wildly got into the music. We had a blast--well, I did. TG tolerated it and admitted they were "show men." Best songs: Before the Rain, Safe, The Reflex, Blame the Machines, Leave a Light On, View to a Kill. Oh hell...it was all good. And I get to see them again in a week!

Serious News: Giuliana Rancik has announced she has early stage breast cancer. This seems too much as she and her husband have faced much heartbreak in trying to conceive a child with no luck. They need some good news.

Here's great news! Steven Seagal has been ordained as a border sheriff in Texas so he'll be pushing back those illegals--Seagal-style.

Susan Sarandon called the pope a Nazi. A gray area and a bit much as far as comments go. Can't we leave Germany alone? I'm not saying forgive/forget but just chill and stop the hyperbole.

Bill Clinton No Longer Eats the Meat

Why does this make me think of Brian Kinney from QAF? Because that the slogan for one of his ad campaigns (Eat the Meat--oh so Brian!). Anysnooches, the big news is that Bill Clinton has gone vegan. How does he do this? Well, Dish has tired of that heavy-meat-eating feeling but a good steak now and then hits the spot. Then again...Madonna is macrobiotic, Nick Rhodes is vegetarian. I'm cracking under the pressure!

There really is no other news (okay, West Memphis 3 released and had huge celeb support in Eddie Vedder and Natalie Maines but Dish hasn't caught up on this case) except that Kim Kardashian is about to take the plunge in the most over-hyped wedding of the year--yes, even more than Wills and Kate. There is no reason for the hype, is there?

So...Duran Duran possibly in Atlantic City. The Boston one might be tough since it's on a weekday. But who knows, maybe I'll go bananas this fall! You only live once and I have held back for too long.

Happy Birthday, Nick Rhodes!

Today Duran Duran's keyboardist turns 49 and Dishcommunity hopes he has the best of days! Watch this important address: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqNRvldMBDc&feature=player_embedded.