I'm Sorry, Michael Chiklis...

...for thinking you were lame. I only saw trailers for The Shield and avoided it like the plague of shaved-headed men I dated around the time the show aired (2002-2006), the era of Vin Diesel's Ugly Sexy. Yes, there were four in a row, all toxic bachelors. How many hours did I cry over a bottle of Mr. Clean? You can't blame me for projecting all these years. Add to this, Chiklis was filmed reacting to an Emmy nod. This sent me into an abyss of irrational hatred. But now, as my husband encourages nightly Shield marathons, I see the genius in Chiklis. There is no show without him. He's just awesome and the camera eats him up. We're on Season 5. I can't bear to think what we'll do when we get to the end. I was wrong. All wrong...Chiklis FOREVER!

More word-eating. Maybe Les Miz won't be so bad...Check out this trailer and let me know your thoughts. I wonder if Anne and Hugh singing at the Oscars started this whole thing in one of those back door meetings. I could make jokes but I won't. Russell is in the room.

Last night, Dishbrother and I had an in-depth conversation about Ashton as Steve Jobs. DB has high hopes that if Ashton can access his "dark side", he will be brilliant. DB is a tough customer when it comes to acting. He's the first to make me realize that Daniel Day Lewis is an over-actor. DB and I would be masterful casting agents.

I lost interest in Fifty Shades of Grey the second after Anastasia Beaverhausen Steele's first big O. I see the appeal but, as an editor, there are too many glaring items I'd want to fix. Am going back to reading great literature (and a celebrity memoir or two--Patti Lupone, you're next!).

I'm So Confused--Are Ashton and Demi Back Together?

There's talk of secret meetings. New vows of love. I was just getting used to Demi Moore forging ahead, finding her womanity after the demise of her third marriage. I fantasized about her going on The Conversation and Wendy Williams a few times, being all strong yet vulnerable with her glasses, eyes filling because some love never dies. She would go on to make millions producing films and do the occasional Margin Call. She and Courtney Cox would morph into one person.

As for Ashton, he's starting to look like a man. Before the split he resembled the college student I always yearned to date in my teens but didn't until my mid thirties. He has all these great projects in his future. Does he want to go back?

More importantly, I was just getting over this breakup, so the alleged reunion takes me by surprise. I would rather they get back together but there isn't enough Ativan in the world to ease the stress I'll feel day by day (are they okay, having fun, is he hanging with skanky blondes in bars? did they go to their Kaballah meeting). After 7 years, they do seem to have a special kind of love. Fret not. I will buckle down, get out the scotch, and pray that they rediscover the joy in their marriage.

One must always look to Danny Moder and Julia Roberts for marriage spice. They leave "angel cards" for each other around the house. Must get on the stick and do likewise. What is an angel card and how do I find one? Does it fly?

Rumors are a-swirl about Britney reviving crazy behavior on The X Factor. Doing this show might have been a mistake, though the whispers of old Brit might be Simon-hype to bring in viewers. Britney seems to excel in 10-minute increments and judging takes hours and hours. Poor girl.

Congratulations to Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni on their marriage. I love these two gingies.

Review of New Year's Eve: Rent If You Want to Cry and Go Awwwwww

The truth: If you paid 13$ to see New Year's Eve (I almost did), the syrupy disappointment might still be gurgling in your intestines. Maybe I'm overstating since I love Garry Marshall movies as a rule. Go ahead and rent this derivative sucker. It was better than Valentine's Day--like way better. It didn't have Julia this time but Michelle Pfeiffer makes up for this. Pfeiffer tries to be dowdy, FAILS MISERABLY at it while charming Zac Efron, who is a delight from A to Zac*. Ashton and Lea Michele are sexy together (imagine that) yet Jessica Biel needs to find her heart-light again. She just doesn't look animated or maybe I just was too impressed by her performance in that magician movie. Maybe she needs to crawl out from behind the Justin rock and work more. Bottom line: The whole she-bang is a rip-off of Love Actually, especially the beginnings and endings (someone should look into this). The mediocrity didn't stop me from suddenly bursting into tears as Hilary Swank was reunited with her father (I have daddy issues). Bon Jovi is lovable though playing an asexual ween in the red leather jacket Nancy Reagan wore in the 80s. The last vignette--the big twist--is beyond ludicrous. So when can I watch it again? I think I have 24 hours left on my rental. In two hours, it'll become my favorite movie of all time, knocking Jaws on its fin. New drinking game: Every time someone mentions a ball dropping, giggle then do a shot.

In more love news: Mark Zuckerberg married Priscilla Chan. So glad he waited until after the IPO because it must have been stressful before.

A special healing prayer goes out to Dishfavorite, Nile Rodgers, who is very sick. He is battling the big C and still touring like a rock star.

*Their dancing scene at the end is worth at least 13$ theater ticket.

Happy Birthday, Babs and Shirl!!!

First, we must give thanks to the lives of Barbra and Shirley, whose birthdays are today. Happy Birthday, you fierce Tauruses! You girls inspire me. Here's some epic Babs and Shirl that'll make your knees weak.

Sorry for the less than dynamic segue but Lindsay Lohan was cast as Elizabeth Taylor for a new Lifetime movie. Dish feels mixed. If this had been the Lindsay of 10 years ago, I would have said BRILLIANT casting. She can look like Elizabeth and act. But she's been terrible of late in movies, like her muscles have atrophied. There is lots of gasket blowing over this casting, which is perfect for building the hype. That's all a movie needs these days--buzz and hype, not necessarily content or talent. Rosie O'Donnell, Star Jones, Michael Lohan, and Donnie Deutsch have weighed in, and you know these are the ones we all look to for up-to-date opinions. That was mean. I do actually listen to them. Can't resist Rosie's sass!

So, if it weren't for goddesses like Shirl and Babs, I'd give up. The Kardashians rule the world. They just got a 40million+$ deal from E for more reality. And will I watch them? Absolutely yes not. They are geniuses the vile scourge of the universe. Maybe I'll donate time and brain cells to more satisfying causes -- like literature and indies.

Are Mila and Ashton really dating? That's cute. I'm still not over the Demi/Ashton breakup but I have to move on at some point. And--Kleenex dab--they're adorable together, like two string beans fried up in butter with almond shavings.

I need more dinner.

166 Hours Until the Duran Duran Mash-up on Glee!

Young triple threats Darren Criss and Matt Bomer will sing Duran Duran on Glee next Tuesday. Can you think of anything better? My hope is that their song doesn't leak. Dish is having too much fun imagining what they'll sing. Is anyone Hungry to go to Rio?

So, Sarah Palin is on TV, Levi Johnson knocked up his girlfriend, Obama is campaigning. It must be 2008. It isn't? Oh, thank GOD!!!! What a difference four years can make, n'est-ce pas?

Where were you when you heard that Ashton Kutcher would play Steve Jobs? I read the news and promptly forgot it...until now. My reaction is mixed: I want Ashton to grow into a fine actor and hope this role does it. He looks the part, but can he pull it off? He'll need to go on a diet...which could win him an Oscar.

Titanic 3-D. I'm ashamed that when I saw the trailer, I had tears running down my cheeks. TG never noticed. It's such a crappy movie, yet moved the world. Do I dare break my revolt against 3-D and see it?

Last night's Smash: Who got goosebumps over the trailer for next week's Uma Thurman appearance? Cannot wait! I wish I weren't so hooked on the show. It's a mistake.

I am officially ending the reign of the Housewives. They've all gotten to be so very boring. Erasing DVR after the millionth staged ladies lunch and mud run...

Not Much for a Saturday...

...except that Dish has procured a celebrity LETTER, handwritten (probably by an assistant) but it's mine, mine, mine. It's not addressed to me, but I have it. Will spend all day tomorrow analyzing handwriting.

Camille Grammer is not returning to RHoBH which makes me respect her even more. What a sane decision, though it'll be sad not to see her.

The rumor mill has Ashton and Rihanna dating. This smells like fabrication to revive their reps. Now that he's Demi-less, people don't see him as so interesting and with all the Chris Brown flack, Rihanna seems emotionally crippled. Why not put them together?

KK might be pressing charges against the woman who threw flour at her. Really? I'd be pissed in case it was anthrax, but following through on this seems like a big nothing.

Dish Is Thankful...

*for amazing powers of prediction with the marriages of Kim Kardashian, J.Lo, Demi & Ashton, Christopher Knight, Olivia Wilde and the frequent jailings in the Lohan family.

*that J.R. Martinez won Dancing with the Stars, though I knew he would from Day #1. I'm thankful not because of his service to our country, but his service to All My Children, which went off the air, for which I'm *not* thankful. The last show was an epic WTF.

*that there's a light at the end of the dark Julia tunnel that was Larry Crowne.

*that Gale Harold is employed on The Secret Circle, though the show doesn't compel me.

*that I have such a wonderful husband who married me on 1/16/11 and I'm thankful I didn't faint at the altar and only needed 1/2 of 1/2 of a tranquilizer.

*that I got to hug Anderson Cooper this year.

*that with minimal effort, I can bring back a flat stomach.

*for Born to Run by Christopher MacDougall.

*that Hillary Clinton isn't vilified as much and she's being recognized.

*for my Tom Ford glasses. Not sure if they'll be cool in six months.

*for the extra space in my accidental purchase of men's jeans a size too big.

*for my family, friends, and health.

Vavavavoom!

Do You Think Natalie Wood Slipped and Fell?

Her death has plagued me for thirty years though I hate to think that Robert Wagner had anything to do with it. I mean, he was 1/2 responsible for this masterpiece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBzcrAcOBHI. Dish thinks this was a drunken brawl gone bad and swept under the carpet. The sheriff said there were several sources with new information. Maybe TG and I should take our iPads to the boat and do some ghost-tracking ourselves. At the very least, I'll rewatch West Side Story, Splendour in the Grass and Rebel Without a Cause and honor the goddess that was Natalie. I'll cast Christina Ricci or Mila Kunis in the movie of her life.

The rumor is that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage and she was into women also. Also threesomes. And orgies while bathing in Philly cheese steaks. Please. Tell me she stuck Buzz Lightyear up his rectum and then I'll be impressed.

Here's the whitest/sickest thing I've ever seen. Scientology needs to get with the times. Their new rap song is beyond dated and Wonder Bread lame. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_K_QLUWM3X4. Diversity should be celebrated in all cults.

Paging Dr. Nick Rhodes

Oh. Not that kind of doctor, eh? Whatever! The University of Bedfordshire has upgraded Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes's title with an honorary doctorate. He is easily due for a degree as his deft use of the English language and fabulous spin have done the band proud for 30+ years. Even more admirable is his devotion/contribution to the art world. Dish is holding up her copy of Interference and yelling to Occupy Wall Street Protesters who are so close,"All hail Dr. Rhodes!"

Some incriminating texts have surfaced where Maria Yeater asks a friend to erase texts referring to her baby's real father (who is not Justin Bieber). JACKASS! If you're going to be a gold-digging liar, at least be smart about it. Dr. Rhodes would no doubt suggest a trip to the Whitney as repentance.

Thank goodness for attention-getters and social media addicts because when you're feeling blue, you feel compelled to share with the world. Medics can be at your house within seconds of your suicidal postings. Kim K's former PR person who went on record calling her marriage a sham got the gag order from Kim's lawyers and then had a mournful, self-flagellating hissy. He's getting medical attention, Thank Jesus. Dr. Rhodes would find such public suffering wasteful of a person's shining potential.

JJ just texted Dish: What do we need? A cure for turrets. When do we need it? C*nt! Dr. Rhodes would never use this vocabulary. He would gel with J.J. like cats in a bag.

Almost forgot: Demi is divorcing Ashton. I'm sure it's irreconcilable differences and they'll remain best friends.

This porridge is too cold!

Lindsay and her long, flowing "blonde" locks showed up at the morgue a 5:30 am then supplied the staff with cupcakes and burgers. At noontime, when the employees were happily munching on their carbohydrates and processed beef, she snuck into the embalming room. She tiptoed to the forbidden cabinet, letting her eyes sweep the room. Oh these darlings, didn't they know who they were dealing with? Actress, singer, crotch-flasher. She opened one of the white wooden cabinets and saw a large bottle filled with amber liquid. "Mmmm..." she purred and pulled it from the shelf. She took a long chug of the brew. "Just right..." she said. Just kidding! Dish would forget all misdeeds for a few cupcakes and burgers. Well done, Linz!

6 staffers from Michelle Bachmann's NH team quit. Wonder why. Maybe she forgot the burgers and cupcakes.

Ashton Kutcher has released what sounds like a lame video about the truth in media and how lies spread on the Internets. I don't feel like watching it...okay I will. I just did. The truth about media and literature. Heartfelt, earnest, flashing ringless ring finger the whole time. WE ARE BEING PLAYED. I don't think anything much is going on here.

Hershey, I hate to break it to you but it seems Jessica Biel is back with Justin Timberlake. It's a sad day.

There's Really Nothing Going On...

Um, it's raining in NYC. TG is eating my lunch. Charlie Sheen keeps dissing his wives, then going out with them for dinner. Beyonce and Jessica Simpson have bumps. There's a moving van outside of Ashton and Demi's home. What are the real stories of the day?

Dish is packing, tying up loose ends before trip to D.C. TG always packs in the last thirty seconds and is loosey goosey about travel. I'm folding laundry, gathering my tickets, cleaning litter box. Frantic.

Will keep you abreast with all the news while I'm en route.

Happy Birthday, Hugh Jackman!

Dishfriend Mel is in love with Hugh so am sending out big b-day wishes. I'm not sure he would return the love but that's okay. He can torture us with his sculpted abs, positive attitude and sardonic glances. Mel is also in love with Alex Skaarsbar who is newly single.

Some people are saying the Gene Simmons/Shannon Tweed marriage is a sham. Sorry but after 28 years, Shannon and Gene have earned the right to do whatever the eff they want with their marriage. They could both dress up as eggs and get their freaks on.

Ashton's alleged barfly tryst Sarah Leal allegedly alleges she and Ashton had sex for two hours. LIGHTWEIGHTS!

Just watched the Anderson episode with Carre Otis who dished on her abusive marriage to Mickey Rourke. She looked serene and fabulous with nice alleged cheek implants and those signature puffy lips. Did a quick search on IMDB to find out she is two months younger than I am--though heroin and Mickey might have aged her some, she still seems older than 43. Or maybe I am still 15. I hope I look half as good when I'm her age. Good for her to stand up against spousal abuse.

Nothing makes Dish happier than to see "Bikini Babes with Cellulite." I always wonder how the celebs stay so toned. Turns out, many are not flawless and that's just awesome (Paris, Eva, Britney, Julia). Dish will wear her bikini with pride. Can you tell Dish is suddenly obsessed with weight since being 43 means that everything STICKS TO THE A**? Three cookies later...

This Could Be a Disaster

Dishbrother and I fear that Meryl Streep's The Iron Lady will be the new Mommie Dearest. The poster is just too much. I enjoyed Meryl's Julia Child, but have the icky 6th sense her Thatcher will have us rolling in the aisles and not in a good way. Bon appetit! Scrub, Christina, scrub!!!

Day 3 of Ashgate: Demi and Ashton were caught celebrating Rosh Hashanah together today. That's MADNESS! Ash's alleged bed partner is allegly trying to make tons of money over the tryst. Did she CSI the "remains" of the lay? I wonder what Demi/Ashton are doing right now. Do they care what I'm doing? Dish is posted in front of a fan, hoping the dank heat in the apartment lifts. Oh hell, maybe it's early menopause. Cut to Samantha from Sex and the City hurling her wig into the audience and wiping her boob sweat.

Speaking of boobs, the buzz is that Chris Christie might run for Prez. As a resident of New Jersey, Dishmama is, no doubt, fuming. But can we cut the fat jokes? David Letterman did a dull, offensive top 10 that probably incensed most of America.

Justin Theroux woke up to bologna on his motorcycle. There are so many jokes one could make.

The Big C finale has blown my mind with one of those "twists." And just started watching one of 5 last episodes of All My Children. Seeing Angie and Jesse together made me sob like a jackass.

Demi & Ashton: Silence is Deadly!

You gotta wonder--no one is denying the breakup, which makes me think: 1. They might really be breaking up. 2. Someone has crabs. 3. We've been punked. 4. They are building hype for world domination. That would be so Ashton/Demi. In all of this, I envision many, many hot Twitter pics of Demi in a bikini.

So where were you when Ashton and Demi began their courtship? It must have been 2003. 9/11 still fresh, which means Dish wasn't sleeping much, along with most of NYC. I was single, long hair, getting ready for a trip to New Mexico. Dating a little but not into it, going to a Hell's Kitchen bar every Friday to ogle a bartender who had no interest in me. Not so bad really. When Ashton and Demi started dating, I felt hope that I could be a hot cougar someday. I didn't have to automatically date mildly-depressed paunchy men twenty years older than me (because that was all that responded to my online ads the second I hit 35). I couldn't envision then that I'd ever meet my own hunkalicious Prince Charming...

...or that we'd appear on Anderson Cooper's new talk show (and I do mention "Duran Duran" in the interview). Details to come. Dishmama will kill me for spilling but it's a slow news day and I'm immersed in drudgery not of a personal nature. This picture is worth the jinx. Move over, Kathy Griffin. Dish is Anderson's new BFF.

Demi and Ashton: Is It True?

An End of Days clue came last year with whispers of Ashton straying. Ash & Demi then posed seductively on Twitter afterwards, with her arms and legs all over his. Phew, marriage intact. Now there are more whispers, with Demi hinting oh so cryptically that maybe life ain't so rosy with a man who could be Dish's son (using high science). Posting/not posting on Twitter is clear evidence of clear BS to Dish. I believe all was done for a while. Most stars break up. I just want to know...when will Bruce and Demi get back together?

RHoBH: New housewives Brandi Glanville is branding herself as a bitch, but I'm so over it. There are enough bitches in the housewives franchise. How is she different? Does she read books? It's sad to see how Taylor *is* getting frighteningly skinny. I say, send her and her daughter to Canyon Ranch for at least six months. I'll join!

A List New York: I keep saying I'll stop watching but I can't. It's Gay White Trash.

Dr. Conrad Murray's trial is happening. My problem with this is, yes, he was probably irresponsible. But so many other doctors are involved...and Michael Jackson did the bulk of the damage to himself in his adult years.

Naked Ashton, Dancing Chaz

What did you think of Ashton Kutcher on Two and a Half Men? He killed in the ratings. The walking around naked thing might get old, but I enjoyed the funeral scene and how easily the writers could turn a tragic event into comedy. My favorite part of the show: seeing our beloved Dharma & Greg. It wasn't the funniest show I've ever seen, but it's better than most shows on the air.

Sadness: Mary Ann Mobley and Gary Collins have separated after 43 years. Such a strong marriage from Dish's childhood. I vaguely remember her talking about a colonoscopy or something intimately butt-related on Entertainment Tonight and thinking, wow, how romantic. Or maybe they had joint-colonics? If Gary and Mary Ann can't make it work, who can? Save a Prayer for Ms. Mobley as she endures treatment for Stage 3 breast cancer.

Chaz Bono, David Arquette were spectacular on DWTS. Also spectacular: Gays can now serve in the military. Openly, I mean.

Duran Duran Appreciation Day

I'm not sure why this is Duran Duran Appreciation Day. As far as I'm concerned, that should be every day.

Dish woke up at 5am to watch the truly atrocious Bachelor Pad--mostly to see the Vienna and Jake nonsense. They could all be used as landfill (something TG might say).

Dish might be taking a break from Dish. It seems futile to dish when there is so much other dish for others to read. I love reading tabloids but I loved more writing for a celebrity-adoring audience. After five years, what is the point dishing to my inner circle? I could just talk to them directly about my feelings regarding Jennifer Aniston's sex life, Ashton's taking over for feckless Sheen, or Lady GaGa's latest baloney sandwich costume.

What is the point of a blog, aside from being watered down celebrity theory? Perhaps it's time to infiltrate. Deep cover Dish. And as always, Duran Duran forever. And Julia.

Director Madonna for a Day

I did a lot of filming today, only this time I was behind the camera. I have new respect for anyone involved in movie production. It is grueling work that kills your feet and saps all energy. Then there's editing, which I will have to learn licketty split. Prayers that the outcome is a good one. I went beyond my limit just a bit and did not do half-assed work. All while nursing a cold.

Regarding celebrities, I know nothing today, other than Desperate Housewives fallout. Something about a recession, plunging stock market, financial disaster, shows canceled right and left, and Ashton holds up the rear. It's good that TV is being ruthless about programming, though it hasn't stopped hasbeen reality shows from spreading like baby spiders.

Sigh...There is a rift between me and TG over Cowboys & Aliens, which he loved. I'm pretty sure it's not a guy movie since I have some sh$teous action movies in my collection. Maybe he's upset I made him watch Notting Hill. And now I shall retire. Tomorrow I'll be back with dirt.

Vomit = Exciting Celebrity News

You know you're kewl when u hurl offstage during a concert. Kings of Leon singer, Jared Followill, went barfy barf during a very hot concert in Dallas. He even announced it aheadoftime. I pheel 4 u, bro. Sometimes the heat makes me want 2 yakk 2. Lukkily they reskeded during a kewler time.

More essentials: Ashton Kutcher has a *big* trailer (wink, wink) on the set of 2 and 1/2 Men.

Today's alleged big lie: that Amy Winehouse was in the process of adopting 10-year-old girl from St. Lucia before her death. I'm having myself cloned so that I can be two places at once. My silicone self will have big hairy monkeys flying out of its butt.

Speaking of hair, Dish viewed Rabbit Hole. Nicole Kidman's tresses looked fabulous, and she is her usual statuesque and striking self. Yes, I spent a lot of time examining her face and how it's changed since Birth. Her brow had normal wrinkles, which I found refreshing. The lips have been altered, but not so ass-lips as when she was pregs with Sundae-Brunch. Film is v. sad, as you might predict. Great performances by everyone, including Jon Tenney who had the courage to go shirtless at 50. Overall, a touching "it never goes away but you gotta move on" film about death.