Mark Sanford Back in Congress

I shouldn't be surprised, though I am this time--and every time. When politicians act like dogs, they get re-elected. This means Anthony Weiner (I would have voted for him before that Twitter thing) is sure to come back into the...um...fold. Everything sounds so dirty! Chris Christie just had lap band surgery, which I've heard involves a stripper sitting on him and stretching her breasts around his stomach. I'm sure he's going to run for Prez in 2016. Getting thin is a precursor to a big run. I'm all for health, as long as it doesn't involve tweeting your nethers!

Upon full examination of the Met Gala fashions, I'm shocked that I loved Kim Kardashian's wallpaper dress. So refreshing to see her in something other than solids. She looked glamorous and stylish. Also, enjoyed Anne Hathaway's blond hair. But what the hell was Ginnifer Goodwin thinking? That scared me.

Smash update and spoiler: I can't quit this show. With each episode, I hate it more and more, even if they bring in Liza and Bernadette Peters. I would give myself a severe bob just for the chance to have Anjelica throw a drink in my face. Karen finally does something interesting and almost sleeps with that Simon Cowell director. But does she allow actual penetration? NO! She's in love with that drugged-out idiot who's got a bad case of me-me-mes. I keep wishing he'd jump off something high, but he continues to act like he has serious lady cramps. Sadly, his BFF--who is one of the few characters I'd love to hang out with in real life (other than Debra Messing because she's fabulous no matter how ugly her clothes are on the show)--gets tossed in front of a car. I want to cancel everything, scream at the television, and I know it's only a matter of time before someone says, "The show must go on." Oh God, please erase this from my brain! (can't wait until next ep)

The Real Housewives of Orange County: Introduction of Lydia's mom who sprinkles fairy dust on strangers and smokes a whole lot of pot. Best thing that ever happened to the show.

It seems Criminal Minds is going through some hardships since two pivotal female characters might be leaving (allegedly) due to crappy contracts. Very screwed up. I don't know what I'd do without my weekly Garcia fashions. My last two pairs of glasses, I purchased with her as inspiration.

Barbara Stanwyck is a Goddess

I saw Double Indemnity and didn't get what the fuss was about. Stanwyck, Shwanwyck. You don't necessarily love everyone, right? Then I watched The Thorn Birds this weekend and now I get how she's amazing. Just watch this. Isn't she awesome/creepy? Maybe I just hated her hair in Double Indemnity. It's really hideous. Must go back through her repertoire. This will take months...

I'm catching up with my stories:

Smash: Is Debra Messing pregnant? I'm mystified by her maternity tops, though her wardrobe on the show has been rather fug. I might officially give up. The "talented" young artist Karen discovers is lame. His music is like what I just heard my cat hack up behind the couch. I will do anything for J-Hud and A-Hust, but the direction is just not one I like (I've been saying this since Day #1). Not only that but Jersey Boys's Matt Bogart was only on for three seconds, which is a waste of talent. If my DVR accidentally still records the show, okay, I'll watch obsessively every Tuesday.

Real Housewives of BH: Adrienne and Camille not on the reunion show. Hmmm. Okay. Just bring on Brandi. Wondering if there will be any catfighting at all. Put Faye on the couch.

Vanderpump Rules: ____ like _____ like ______like

Star Sighting--Annie Golden!!!

3:00pm: 15th and 7th. Dish was exiting Westside Market, with bags of TG's favorite foods, and almost ran right into my FAVORITE person from the movie version of Hair, the delightful Annie Golden. Even more awesome, she was talking to herself--as was I! If I hadn't been doing heavy lugging, I would have followed her the hiding-behind-the-bushes-when-TG-ran-after-Will-Arnett begs to differ.

I've caught up on The Bachelor and feel Sean is a serial killer. He fits the profile and keeps making the women do these physical tests--jumping in ice water, climb or descend a tall structure, get in a boat, drink goat milk (as IF) and walk around the mansion. He wants to see them suffer. I don't get why Tiera keeps getting a rose. Her injuries alone make her a bad investment. It's all rigged. Sean can't kick off Tiera because she's ratings gold and the other women are boringly normal (I'm pulling for either trailer park Katie Holmes or the adopted woman).

Smash: Jennifer Hudson is my only reason for watching stop lying, Dish. It's the truth: J-Hud is magic. Everything else seems so cliche. Loved Ivy's opening dress, how it meshed with her brassy blond. Which online stores must I raid to find this exact one??? Glad Messing got rid of milktoast husband--hope she gets with someone who will help her dress sexy again, I mean, for the first time. Sorry, that was unkind.

If You See Kevin Bacon on the Subway, Say Hello!

This tidbit comes courtesy of TG, who is obviously revealing his closet-love of the stars. I like to live in a world where Kevin is friendly, waving to us, and breaking into his Footloose dance. But I also remember a time when a now famous personality brought a group of friends through Central Park and they all waved at Kev & Kyra. K&K sneered and covered their faces. Well, I would have run in the opposite direction because of, well, a certain parade where women were assaulted in the park. You just never know and celebs need extra protection.

You know I'm a fool for love because I'd give up Downton Abbey I've already watched all of season 3--and my reaction, Dishbrother says, means I've a heart of stone to watch Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cookoff. It's down to Dean and Carnie Wilson. TG and I love Carnie, because she's a mess. Don't give her too many crayons at once otherwise she'll have a hissy. I adore Dean since Tori Spelling and I have been imaginary friends these last 20 years. Dean's the better chef, I think.

Oh God...I forgot...Smash Trash is BACK! And I forgot to watch this sh*tty sh*tty show that I'm totally obsessed with. Give me more weird Anjelica face/bob, bad Messing clothes because she's so artsy and NYC, soapy story-lines, McPhee dead-behind-the-eyes, wimpy hubby, pretentious Brit director who married Debra's cheating sister Amy Adams in The Wedding Date knows everything, unamazing music and well, I can't get enough.

Marilyn Never Sounded Like THAT!

Smash finale: Katharine McPhee belted out that last tune like she was on American Idol, but those of us well schooled in Marilyn know the siren never really belted*. She sang in that whispy, sweet breathy voice. Every now and then she belted but never, never like a McPhee. Hmmmmm. I'm not sure about the finale but I will keep watching because Smash is a virus that lasts 9 months. The songs really suck!

Dizzying thought: Obama was one block away from Dishhouse. No wonder all the screeching in my hood. It even brought me and Douchebag--who lives on my floor--into semi-civil proximity. TG likes DB but he's an XY.

Let's try dazzled: The Daniel Craig/Rachel Weisz marriage fascinates me so I had to see The Whistleblower. It's a gruesome story, goodish performances, a bit predictable in its telling--still worth the watch. I'll be even more wishy washy: It's an important story, especially to remind us of the rape/trafficking rampant in Bosnia and how we participated in it. It's a cruel world, the plight of women hopeless. I'm not sure how those survivors survived--with daily abuse. Weisz played the good cop, reminding me slightly of Angelina Jolie in The Bone Collector--sober, quietly fearless, trying to be less gorgeous but FAILING MISERABLY.

I feel better about my thighs: I saw a pic of KK wearing tights and shorts and it made me feel skinny. My IQ just dropped 50 points from previous paragraph, didn't it? How about another 50 (see below)?

Duran Duran is throwing a contest for fans to advertise their new Diamond in the Mind CD/DVD. Dish was so excited! But then realized: I'd have to make it about the band's concert in the UK and not about Me and My Love for Them. This stopped me in my tracks. Where would I even begin? Will watch DVR-ed The Bachelorette instead...or read more Sartre.

Dish is all about the contradictions.

*Why does Tony Curtis in drag make this song even sexier?

Who's Suffering from Post Traumatic Tabloid Disorder?

I need therapy. There are rumors of another Kardashian reproducing. I'm sure they're false, but the suspense is dizzying. Is she fat or pregnant? Baby bump or no? Why is she wearing big clothes? Will her baby end all her sentences in question-marks? Will she drive a Bentley or a sh*tty Jaguar? Let the merry go-round stop.

I've got better things to do, like book tickets to my next Duran Duran concert. Will this finally be the one where I meet them? If so, I'll wear large sunglasses to hide my tears of joy. Must also hide details of expensive trip from TG. He doesn't read this blog anymore so I can write whatever I want! No holds barred.

Last night's Smash: I'm not sure what happened. Love Uma but I see Jaws snaking through the water with Marilyn ready to jump.

I heard of a lawsuit against The Bachelor/The Bachelorette for discriminating against African-Americans. They *must* discriminate since there haven't been anything but white Bachelor/ettes. They sneak in another race--and someone from NYC--now and then as rivals for affection but inevitably that one person takes a hike early on. I'm all for diversity in my crappy reality shows!!! Counting the days until Emily Maynard gets her chance. What if Brad shows up during the season?

Everyone is abuzz over the Brangelina marriage. Plans being made for France, in a chateau, small town church. I don't buy ANY of it. With a big rock on her finger, she's just another skeletal UES socialite, not the woman going on crusades for the poor/hungry. Is Vera Wang going to make the dress? Is she giddy with excitement over food tasting, party favors and invites? I'm thinking nyet!

Speaking of wedding and skeletal people...Dishbrother and I have vowed to be super-skinny for a wedding related event we're attending in three weeks. We want people to think we're sick with match-stick legs and sunken cheeks. Lucky for me, cutting my portions in half has helped me lose about 5 pounds. Artificially-induced stress does wonders as well. I'm blowing it all to hell with a corn muffin tonight. This is why I'll never be on television (Anderson, you also spoiled my dream by leaving me on the cutting room floor).

Gerard Butler Is Enjoying Himself. Stop Him!

First he's singing in bars, now he's whooping it up at Coachella. Gotta keep close watch on him because stars cannot have fun, especially once they leave rehab. Especially if they are adults. For stars, adulthood usually begins around 32 but ends suddenly at 40. In the fifth decade, stars become sad (but potentially interesting at long last). The salary plummets and desperate antics make for excellent headlines. Oh Gerard. Do a great movie, fast...Get rid of the skanky hair. Dish has seen you in the hood during better days. You can do better!

Bones: The Culture guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy starred and stunk up the place. J.J. would have been much better as the evil hairguru. Kidding, getting hair done this weekend. I'm thinking highlights.

So...Simon Cowell is not marrying is fiancee? I need a tranquilizer.

Most important question: How will I resist watching Smash? So bad, so good, so bad.

Wasn't Matt Bomer amazing on Glee?

Best line: "I'm going to pour you a tall glass of 'this is how it is.'" I've never seen White Collar, but Bomer is freaking funny. His chemistry with Criss worked well, too. If the show could be just Jane, Darren and Matt, I'd be happy. Dish lost consciousness seeing Jane Lynch sing along to "Rio." Jane and Duran Duran combined: like farting/sneezing at the same time, i.e. too much happiness released in one moment. I couldn't take it.

As brilliant as he is, Alec Baldwin can't seem to escape his woman problems (I can't quit Altoids). The drama over his alleged stalker continues. Alec sarcasti-Tweeted about The Post's mean girl (whom I find wildly entertaining) Andrea Peyser's journalistic integrity. She answered with an even more vicious column. Dish's advice for Alec: Ditch Yoga and knock AP's boots already! JK. It's hard when Mommy and Daddy fight.

During my lunch break, had to see on Radaronline 10 female celebrities with cellulite, not to judge but to relate...heavily. We mortals can sometimes share a bond more meaningful than a 25M movie deal. It's called cottage cheese legs.

Gossip Girl: Dishcousin and I agreed that Rufus put his balls in a Dixie cup and handed them to Lily when they got married. Must look to Dan and Chuck for seething masculinity in contemporary elitist Manhattan. Blair and Lily continue to be my imaginary BFFs.

Smash (spoiler alert): Shining moment occurs as Anjelica Huston sucks face with the handsome bartender from All My Children. I was a little turned on and repulsed, as I would be watching DishGramma kissing George Clooney. I like the idea but the image would embed itself in my consciousness, felling me during random moments.

166 Hours Until the Duran Duran Mash-up on Glee!

Young triple threats Darren Criss and Matt Bomer will sing Duran Duran on Glee next Tuesday. Can you think of anything better? My hope is that their song doesn't leak. Dish is having too much fun imagining what they'll sing. Is anyone Hungry to go to Rio?

So, Sarah Palin is on TV, Levi Johnson knocked up his girlfriend, Obama is campaigning. It must be 2008. It isn't? Oh, thank GOD!!!! What a difference four years can make, n'est-ce pas?

Where were you when you heard that Ashton Kutcher would play Steve Jobs? I read the news and promptly forgot it...until now. My reaction is mixed: I want Ashton to grow into a fine actor and hope this role does it. He looks the part, but can he pull it off? He'll need to go on a diet...which could win him an Oscar.

Titanic 3-D. I'm ashamed that when I saw the trailer, I had tears running down my cheeks. TG never noticed. It's such a crappy movie, yet moved the world. Do I dare break my revolt against 3-D and see it?

Last night's Smash: Who got goosebumps over the trailer for next week's Uma Thurman appearance? Cannot wait! I wish I weren't so hooked on the show. It's a mistake.

I am officially ending the reign of the Housewives. They've all gotten to be so very boring. Erasing DVR after the millionth staged ladies lunch and mud run...

Sneaking in Smash While Husband Asleep!

When I put on Fashion Police, TG went out for a walk. Then, as I geared up for Smash, he went into the bedroom with his sleeping device (thick book on France). I try to keep my guilty pleasures secret, but after my foot massage, my manicure, the pampering is seeping out.

Smash brought in Bernadette Peters, who stole the damn thing in 90 seconds. My eyes also filled during "Everything's Coming Up Roses." Then, we know how much Dish loves Geezer Sex. If we play our cards right, Anjelica Huston's going to knock knees with the bartender hunk from All My Children. Please let this happen. If it doesn't work out between them, bring in Geezer Emeritus Christopher Plummer to sex Anjelica silly.

In other news, Kim Zolciak and Adriana Lima are preggo again! Those VS models are the embodiment of Astarte, the goddess of fertility. Dr. Conrad Murray is allegedly having explosive diarrhea in jail due to prison food. Maybe they're feeding him Grape Nuts and Kale, Drano for the intestines. Kirk Cameron alleges that he loves all people. He doesn't hate anyone. What about Hitler?

Now Dish is going to get serious.

Smash: Getting Under My Skin

I resisted the hype of Smash, even pooh-poohed the first few episodes and said, I've seen it before. Well, I have. And I haven't. Now I'm obsessed with the show, fully relishing the behind-the-scene antics of a musical. Maybe because Dish was in the chorus for Fiddler on the Roof way back in middle school? Or that Debra Messing is the only one over-40 who hasn't adopted the excess-filler-trout mouth. She looks so normal and beautiful, which is why I will continue to watch Smashed. Plus, the McPhee is hypnotic.

This helped me cope with the vile photos of Donald Trump's son triumphantly holding a tusk while standing next to a dead elephant. Now I *really* hate that family. Then again, as I kill a cockroach, I like watching the guts fly out. The shiny coat makes pretty earrings.

Heartwarming celebrity moment: The sight of Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes on a blanket watching a soccer game together. It brought me to tears.

Delicious is the New Fabulous!

Since when are people "delicious?" I've been hearing this word used while gushing at others and it vexes me. Am now burying rage in the Superbowl, rooting for the Giants, scooping Cool Whip onto leftover Dulce De Leche ice cream.

Smash has been getting rave reviews so I had to watch. I'm a little song-tired but I tend to like Debra Messing and want her to succeed. Smash is Broadway focused, with dishy theater glitz and the usual pushy ahole divas running the show. Katherine McPhee is lovely and talented. I keep expecting an Ethel Merman to re-emerge. I miss the real gusto and character in a singing voice--like a Lady Gaga who really puts herself in a song, without needing to close her eyes to convey emotion. I wasn't blown away by Smash but it's okay. Then again...this is what I said about Prison Break, Glee, Queer As Folk and 24. Then I got hooked.

Who's glued to Downton Abbey tonight? And who thinks Bates is the new Darcy? DISH!