New Members of the Get a Life Club

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller and some judge are feudin' and gaggin' over custody of the twins, who must be so severely damaged by their crazy rents that TG and I are ready to open our loving arms to these boys, bring them into our dusty cubicle of an apartment and raise them to read books, be snootie-mcsnoots about mediocrity and eat Poptarts (we love those). Welcome to the club.

Tom Cruise allegedly alleges that his stunt work is like a tour of Afghanistan. Just uttering something close to this is blasphemy. I don't even say "military" since I might be misunderstood. You don't mess with the soldiers. They actually face death. Tom is just fine--sipping on his vitamin-enriched space juice. Welcome to the club, Tom. And me too because, hell, I love all his movies, even the shitty ones. Love ya, Tom, even though you kinda suck!

Doug and Courtney--fighting for their love, or separated. Can't tell but let's see how much we can cling desperately to fame by making out in public and say that we're separated. Here's what Dish thinks. She wants to bang someone else. I mean fifty more years with this guy? I can't take another hour! Get my fake boobs and schoolgirl laugh outta the House of Ben Gay.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Loving the 'tude. Loving the filler on Brandi's face. Love that she has such a hot boyfriend and their awkwardness on television. They just want to run into a bathroom and boink since talking is so strange for them. New brunette housewives, but waiting for the claws. Get a life because this show won't last that much longer.

Vanderpump Rules: Losers keep dating and breaking up with losers. Get a life, gorgeous waitstaff.

Parenthood: My love for Lauren Graham grows each day. I love how she's gained weight since her Gilmore Girl years. She's a normal woman, beautiful, luscious, fun and makes me feel the same way. Plus, only she can help make Ray Romano hotter than hell. They don't need to get lives because they sizzle our socks off.

Barbara Stanwyck is a Goddess

I saw Double Indemnity and didn't get what the fuss was about. Stanwyck, Shwanwyck. You don't necessarily love everyone, right? Then I watched The Thorn Birds this weekend and now I get how she's amazing. Just watch this. Isn't she awesome/creepy? Maybe I just hated her hair in Double Indemnity. It's really hideous. Must go back through her repertoire. This will take months...

I'm catching up with my stories:

Smash: Is Debra Messing pregnant? I'm mystified by her maternity tops, though her wardrobe on the show has been rather fug. I might officially give up. The "talented" young artist Karen discovers is lame. His music is like what I just heard my cat hack up behind the couch. I will do anything for J-Hud and A-Hust, but the direction is just not one I like (I've been saying this since Day #1). Not only that but Jersey Boys's Matt Bogart was only on for three seconds, which is a waste of talent. If my DVR accidentally still records the show, okay, I'll watch obsessively every Tuesday.

Real Housewives of BH: Adrienne and Camille not on the reunion show. Hmmm. Okay. Just bring on Brandi. Wondering if there will be any catfighting at all. Put Faye on the couch.

Vanderpump Rules: ____ like _____ like ______like

Hillary Opens Up a Can of Whoop-Ass!

It takes a hot broad to put these old white guys in their place, but that's what she did when she testified in front of the senate on the Benghazi affair. I love my Hillary. When I think about flying, about panic, about accidentally eating raw chicken and what if I die, I remember she's out there. My understanding of politics comes straight from CNN and thin air, but here's my thought about the Benghazi mess: Pourquoi the hysteria about why we didn't know all the information (unless your relative died--then I get it). Wouldn't you rather conduct a thorough investigation instead of spew bursts of what could be misinformation to a mostly ignorant population (I still love you, America)? Investigations take time.

See? I should be in the White House as Consumer of Frosted White House Sugar Cookies.

In this vein, I've realized I might take a punch for Lisa Vanderpump though I bruise like a peach. Not only does she look better now than she did thirty years ago, but she makes everything seem effortless because she's British. I love her, love her dog, love her clothes, love her husband. And of course, now I'm addicted to Vanderpump Rules, which is The Hills but with young people doing even LESS. The drama, oh the drama! Everyone is overreacting. Kristen is dating gayish Tom who uses all her product but he slept with a girl who used to live with him who Kristen accidentally met at a modeling shoot. Sheena (sp?) slept with a famous actor while he was married so all the other waitresses hate her (how could she? he's like MARRIED). Then while on the gay pride parade float, Sheena-homewrecker put suntan lotion of Jax's back while he was in a fight with Stassi (a blond tyrant, who's like 23 and doesn't want to like date a loser--please, that's when you happily START dating losers). Jax is a sad aging-manwhore-bartender but you could see him guesting on NCIs: Los Angeles as "The Guy Who ODs." Mayhem ensues where evil Frank moves in on Stassi and says Jax knocked up some hooker in Vegas. Out for revenge, Stassi drinks Jax's Cristal and leaves empty bottles for him to find--along with her rage-studded sick, I'm sure. Pump just wants her staff to work--leave the personal life at home. Such important life lessons. Can't wait till the next episode!

Downton Abbey--Spoilers and Thoughts

Finally--I am all caught up and saw the juiciness of Season 3's premiere. Overall, it's moving along nicely. Boring and Boring got married and are now boring in bed. Shirl, all trussed up in her 1920 old-lady finery, played Cora's mamala in a more understated way, which was sheer brilliance. Why? Because she can't out-do Maggie nor should she try. Of course, they made her sing. Wish only she'd hiked up her skirt and showed off her showgirl legs, given us some jazz hands. Edith still needs a good lay. The mystery for me is why Dishbrother hates Bates. I finally figured it out: because Bates is earnest, portly and crippled. It's like hating puppies and kittens!!! No but seriously, Dish sort of sees it now. Bates is kind of a sad sack, one of those people that always attracts trouble. The romantic fire between him and Anna is gone. So who am I rooting for? As always, Elizabeth McGovern because she's the most beautiful woman ever and the most tolerant wife. Imagine, she's supportive of her husband (i.e. the finance person in Notting Hill, as in he got to meet JULIA!) after he pisses away her millions. I'd kick him unconscious and then make him pay for dinner. No, I'd probably do what EM did, too, since I don't care about $$$.

Review of Vanderpump Rules: Don't even bother. Lisa Vanderpump is intriguing, like candy to watch but this show sucks major donkey dong. The setting is a nice restaurant, lots of hot waitresses and bartenders and their hotness. The plot: mostly Shasta and Fresca fighting, putting on superior waitress airs. Everyone hates Shasta because she slept with a married celebrity, like they wouldn't have done the same thing. It's a giant pile of the green stuff that came out of a donkey's ass on my white shoes when I was five and living in Paris. We were at the park. 


Review of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Abe's mom gets murdered and he's PISST. He goes after the vampire killer but his weenie human powers are no match for the undead! Somehow, Abe escapes, revenge burning hot in his loins. The boyfriend from Mamma Mia witnesses Abe's impotence from afar and decides to help him trash vampires. He montage-trains Abe to fight, lots of thrusting and ax-play -- because that's how you kill the undead. Then Abe meets Mary Todd, a sweet young thing. I'm sure he marries her and whatever. I stopped watching.