New Members of the Get a Life Club

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller and some judge are feudin' and gaggin' over custody of the twins, who must be so severely damaged by their crazy rents that TG and I are ready to open our loving arms to these boys, bring them into our dusty cubicle of an apartment and raise them to read books, be snootie-mcsnoots about mediocrity and eat Poptarts (we love those). Welcome to the club.

Tom Cruise allegedly alleges that his stunt work is like a tour of Afghanistan. Just uttering something close to this is blasphemy. I don't even say "military" since I might be misunderstood. You don't mess with the soldiers. They actually face death. Tom is just fine--sipping on his vitamin-enriched space juice. Welcome to the club, Tom. And me too because, hell, I love all his movies, even the shitty ones. Love ya, Tom, even though you kinda suck!

Doug and Courtney--fighting for their love, or separated. Can't tell but let's see how much we can cling desperately to fame by making out in public and say that we're separated. Here's what Dish thinks. She wants to bang someone else. I mean fifty more years with this guy? I can't take another hour! Get my fake boobs and schoolgirl laugh outta the House of Ben Gay.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Loving the 'tude. Loving the filler on Brandi's face. Love that she has such a hot boyfriend and their awkwardness on television. They just want to run into a bathroom and boink since talking is so strange for them. New brunette housewives, but waiting for the claws. Get a life because this show won't last that much longer.

Vanderpump Rules: Losers keep dating and breaking up with losers. Get a life, gorgeous waitstaff.

Parenthood: My love for Lauren Graham grows each day. I love how she's gained weight since her Gilmore Girl years. She's a normal woman, beautiful, luscious, fun and makes me feel the same way. Plus, only she can help make Ray Romano hotter than hell. They don't need to get lives because they sizzle our socks off.

Poor Bachelorette, Poor Unemployed Selma, Poor Nigella!

Really, the batch of suitors for Dez is seriously sad. I mean, not a drop of testosterone except for the army guy. They're all so emotional with "I've got a kid" or "I have diabetes" or "I've been abandoned and it hurts." Yeah? Me too, I've got mild IBS problems! They don't ask much about what she's thinking or feeling. It's incredibly blah and I don't want her with any of these guys. Maybe one will show his true colors.

That Charlie Sheen is a career killer! Romantic comedy vixen Selma Blair allegedly complained about Sheen's work ethic and CS had her fired. Wowzers. I think this is how fascism starts. Selma will go to a better place because Anger Management sucks. Sheen was fun to watch twenty-five years ago...Selma is fun NOW.

More misogyny--luscious Nigella Lawson was the unfortunate victim of her husband's alleged playful choking her and making her cry. Now I know what I want for my birthday! (leave him, N'ella)

Movie and Writing Legend Nora Ephron Dies

What is happening? I remember watching Heartburn and thinking, What depressing sh*t is this? Then I grew to love the movie and appreciated how it delved into women's lives. Everyone has seen When Harry Met Sally... and wondered if it could happen in real life -- your best guy buddy is the love of your life*. Sleepless in Seattle made me realize that you should never marry a man with sinus issues, because Bill Pullman so obviously wasn't right for Meg Ryan. Nora wrote Silkwood (no hotter screen lesbian than Cher, oh wait, forgetting Katherine Moennig), visualized Julie & Julia and so many others (we'll forget Hanging Up because it consisted of Meg and Diane screaming). Nora Ephron is one of those women who changed us and showed women as witty and intelligent. I don't know what else to say. She should have had another twenty years of rocking our worlds.

In less interesting news, Charlie Sheen might have decimated another hotel room but no details have come to light. Really. It's shameful all that talent going down the toilet.

TG and I are so intrigued by Hollywood news that we've decided to storm California in late July. We are going on The Shield Re-enactment Tour. Seriously, though, we'll take meetings, hang out in The Hills, be on The Hills, get Botox and do initial consultations for filler. TG and I are already spray tanning -- or at least I am. TG always is bronzed naturally, which is so unfair.

RIP, Nora Ephron.

*He usually just wants you to be his shrink and has sex with your roommate instead.

She's Gotta Go to Rehab, She Said Maybe, Maybe, Maybe But Only as Outpatient

Like that works for someone who keeps crawling back into the bottle/pipe! Addiction is scary so let's send Brooke Mueller healing vibes. She seems to have a serious, serious problem. Those two boys are cute, she's pretty so why can't everything be perfect? Who knew chaos would ensue all those years ago when she swooshed into Sheen's life moments after Denise left him. Those kids need non-dysfunctional nannies to raise them. As I write this frantic post, Fantasia herself is in labor.

Ah, women in transition. Creating and destroying. Dish spent the evening checking out stars in unflattering bikinis on radaronline.com. It made me feel so much better to see Cindy Crawford's normal lady gut. Another piece of banana bread for me. If they can jiggle, so can I!

Lindsay got her purse stolen in Hawaii. Didn't this happen when she went to Cannes and had to face the judge but couldn't get back because she had no ID? She is like a modern-day Job this one.

Just caught up with Dexter. The show seems to want Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall to make out and this must be *so* uncomfortable for them. Jen has looked haggard this season and I wonder, how is she coping? He seems to have moved on quickly. The finale looks fantastic. Even TG, who says Dexter is "stupid", gazed fixedly at the preview. Collin Hanks wasn't as frightening as Trinity, but he's better than last season.

There's Really Nothing Going On...

Um, it's raining in NYC. TG is eating my lunch. Charlie Sheen keeps dissing his wives, then going out with them for dinner. Beyonce and Jessica Simpson have bumps. There's a moving van outside of Ashton and Demi's home. What are the real stories of the day?

Dish is packing, tying up loose ends before trip to D.C. TG always packs in the last thirty seconds and is loosey goosey about travel. I'm folding laundry, gathering my tickets, cleaning litter box. Frantic.

Will keep you abreast with all the news while I'm en route.

Deep Thoughts on the Emmys

Why are award shows so lame? The writers just aren't funny, the stars are acting same-old and the speeches are repetitive. How many times can you hear, "I didn't prepare anything to say. I didn't think I would win." Dish likes scandal and crazy at her awards-- like Meryl Streep saying she needs to do yoga or Jack Nicholson's talking through his butt or, yes, Ricky Gervais who makes the stars/audience tense. I love Jane Lynch. I thought she did a good job as hostess--especially the "why I'm a lesbian" and introducing the cast of Entourage, but the show dragged. Cut Emmytones, SNL dance/song number--make it a 2-hour show.

Highlights: Charlie Sheen was gracious indeed. Some lovely dresses, though Christina Hendricks's boobies are two giant air bags squashed into a dress. I couldn't look at anything else. Rainn Wilson tweeted his rage that Steve Carrell didn't get an Emmy and I'm right with him there. Kathy Griffin--looking great in red--kissed Ryan Seacrest, an abomination.

Dish was on vacation today and, aside from speculating about Jennifer Aniston being preggo or not (wearing big coat does NOT help!), watched Limitless. I still believe--for no reason--that Bradley Cooper tortures small animals (his French is better than mine so must hate him!) but keep giving him a chance. He is competent in this sh*t-fest that is an obvious reference to our current drug culture. It might have been more interesting if Billy Crudup had been cast. Robert De Niro does his usual mentoring and you have to wonder why he's in so many crappy movies. The biggest philosophical question Dish must raise: If we can take a pill to realize our fullest potential, doesn't that mean no contact with others? When you bring the hell that is other people into the mix, that renders us vulnerable and imperfect. OMG, whole point of movie. Brilliance.

That took so much effort. Time for Dancing with the Stars!!!

Blessings on Dolores Hope who passed away at 102.

Cowboys & Indians & Aliens

The Native Americans always get the shaft even though they played an integral part in Cowboys & Aliens, Dish's mild disappointment of the summer. It was a little slow and in love with itself. The clichés were beyond predictable (boy, dead chick, dog, knife, who's an alien, key deaths), though I realize cowboys and alien movies are all about the clichés, plot contrivances and sllllooooowwww pacing. So how did I amuse myself? By wondering about Daniel Craig's diet: turkey, egg whites, water, lettuce, cigarettes. In this movie, he is pure hat-wearing lollipop--big head, little body. I wanted to give him a sandwich while also vowing to go on the same diet immediately. How Dish would love to have twig legs and no ass in chaps just for one day. Olivia Wilde, also a skinny bitch who eats nothing, is luminous on screen with those wide set eyes, flowing hair and Terminator-fashioned square jaw. Harrison Ford kvetched and scowled throughout, getting in one half smile toward the end. The most entertaining parts were whenever Daniel Craig landed a punch. He is a master of action.

What's new this Sunday? By now you must have heard how Charlie Sheen dies on Two and a Half Men. If Pam Ewing could dream an entire season of Dallas, they could always bring him back. Some telling photos of Jessica Simpson's alleged baby bump. She does look preggo though this is just another pebble in the Land of Who Cares. Forgive Dish's negativity--sinus issues.