What I Learned from Last Night's Criminal Minds

Dean Cain played an insane man who kills people and wins lots of money when he stops sleeping. Dish doesn't sleep either. It may turn me homicidal but at least I'll be rich! And when the stuff goes down, Joe Montegna can sweet-talk me with laughable BS--that I'm not like all the other killers, that the place is surrounded, that he'll "get me out of this." The best part is further confirmation that Garcia has the coolest array of glasses and I want to be her with her delightful pudge, boundless knowledge and zest for life. My purple turtleshell Tom Ford frames may need an upgrade to HOT PINK. Long live Kristen Vangsness!

Tonight Dish is attending Mama Gena's Radical Step Intro Course. I hope it's fun and not just three hours of encouragement to enroll in the program, which costs way too much for Dish's meager pennies. I just wanna see Mama Gena in action and I need to get my groove back. There's a pink boa and French maid's uniform with my name on it!

Divorced couple Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter caught canoodling again! They're doing Dexter-aholics a mitzvah. We love this couple.

Russell Brand is probably the coolest person ever. He wants none of Katy Perry's money from their marriage (she made 44 million). Can you hear TG crying with confused rage? He would find this deplorable but understandable on a deeper level (maybe that's my wishful thinking).

The Lindsay Lohan downward spiral continues with new pics of her looking about 45 with what appears to be botched work but then my eyes aren't so good.

Happy Birthday, Dolly Parton!

Words to live by from Mistress Dolly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKeulwZ3sGE. This song got me through a very bumpy plane ride to Canada. She was adorable on the talk show by He Who Is No Longer Mentioned.

Politics are the new soap opera: Rick Perry has dropped out, Newt Gingrich's wife spilled about his wanting a open marriage and being an overall dick, Santorum actually won Iowa, and there's a debate tonight. It's epic WTF time in the Grand OLD Party!

During lunch trolling, I saw a pic of Snooki without makeup. Being a catty female, I never say this, but she's BEAUTIFUL without makeup. I was transfixed.

Today's rumor--that Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter back together and were caught canoodling. This would make me so happy. This past season of Dexter, you could see the strain. She seemed way too thin and he wasn't as dynamic (or maybe I'm adapting observation to fit this rumor). Please let them be back together! Let's double the incest vibe already on the show.

I just fainted: Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell as Rachel Berry's gay dads on Glee. Ryan Murphy should get a medal for bringing together two tall drinks of water who are perversely attractive to me: Jane Lynch and Jeff Goldblum. Please put them in bed together for a drunken The Next Best Thing twist.

She's Gotta Go to Rehab, She Said Maybe, Maybe, Maybe But Only as Outpatient

Like that works for someone who keeps crawling back into the bottle/pipe! Addiction is scary so let's send Brooke Mueller healing vibes. She seems to have a serious, serious problem. Those two boys are cute, she's pretty so why can't everything be perfect? Who knew chaos would ensue all those years ago when she swooshed into Sheen's life moments after Denise left him. Those kids need non-dysfunctional nannies to raise them. As I write this frantic post, Fantasia herself is in labor.

Ah, women in transition. Creating and destroying. Dish spent the evening checking out stars in unflattering bikinis on radaronline.com. It made me feel so much better to see Cindy Crawford's normal lady gut. Another piece of banana bread for me. If they can jiggle, so can I!

Lindsay got her purse stolen in Hawaii. Didn't this happen when she went to Cannes and had to face the judge but couldn't get back because she had no ID? She is like a modern-day Job this one.

Just caught up with Dexter. The show seems to want Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall to make out and this must be *so* uncomfortable for them. Jen has looked haggard this season and I wonder, how is she coping? He seems to have moved on quickly. The finale looks fantastic. Even TG, who says Dexter is "stupid", gazed fixedly at the preview. Collin Hanks wasn't as frightening as Trinity, but he's better than last season.