Tuesday's Lies

NYC today--effing disgusting gorgeous with just a touch of whimsy. I threw on my brightest dress and set off for a fabulous day. I hustled, I bustled. Everything fell into place. I came home to an airy and spotless apartment. Now I'm indulging in quinoa, edamame with some salmon and fresh veggies. The cat is not pissing on the floor.

Did you watch last night's The Bachelorette: That Emily, I just want to carry her around in my shirt pocket. She sparkles and twangs and y'alls me into good humor I am not a lesbian except for that one time. On last night's episode she went to Dollywood, where the Dolly herself came out to perform. I could feel Dishbrothersidekick's bliss from 75 blocks away. Dolly blessed the young woman's romantic search, citing her own long marriage (Hershey, you need to Hulu this). My choices for Emily are Chris or Arie. She had chemistry with Chris and his bashfulness was adorable. Arie just seems like a pleasant and cool guy though might need Crest White Strips.

Mad Men: The Political Correctness police is scandalized over Joan's actions, as if trading sexual favors is a new thing or that she had much of a choice. What I found more upsetting was staying with her husband after he raped her. Sex for power/survival has existed since the dawn of man. Is it so surprising that she'd take one for the team? During that time period, I might have done the same thing--were I not married. She will win in the end.

Dish is ruthless.

Happy Birthday, Dolly Parton!

Words to live by from Mistress Dolly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKeulwZ3sGE. This song got me through a very bumpy plane ride to Canada. She was adorable on the talk show by He Who Is No Longer Mentioned.

Politics are the new soap opera: Rick Perry has dropped out, Newt Gingrich's wife spilled about his wanting a open marriage and being an overall dick, Santorum actually won Iowa, and there's a debate tonight. It's epic WTF time in the Grand OLD Party!

During lunch trolling, I saw a pic of Snooki without makeup. Being a catty female, I never say this, but she's BEAUTIFUL without makeup. I was transfixed.

Today's rumor--that Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter back together and were caught canoodling. This would make me so happy. This past season of Dexter, you could see the strain. She seemed way too thin and he wasn't as dynamic (or maybe I'm adapting observation to fit this rumor). Please let them be back together! Let's double the incest vibe already on the show.

I just fainted: Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell as Rachel Berry's gay dads on Glee. Ryan Murphy should get a medal for bringing together two tall drinks of water who are perversely attractive to me: Jane Lynch and Jeff Goldblum. Please put them in bed together for a drunken The Next Best Thing twist.

Happy Birthday, Dolly Parton!

The world is a nicer place because of Dolly. "Better Get to Livin'" was the first fast song played at my wedding reception. Dolly for President! Her breasts could be Chiefs of Staff.

So, Rush Limbaugh just said some awful things about Nicole Kidman's having a child via surrogate, implying that Kidman didn't want to be pregnant. If that were true, why the f*ck should he care? As DM might say, Rush is doing "genital policing." More importantly, Rush hasn't read Andrew Morton's biography on Tom Cruise, where he details all the difficulties Nicole had getting pregnant. He is fat.

Some good news: Naveen Andrews and Barbara Hershey are back together. Some people can't stay apart--and shouldn't. Sure, they can have babies while on a break, but trials and tribulations just make a couple stronger.

A nice essay on Ricky Gervais: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pablo-andreu/gervais-proves-americans-_b_810048.html. I think he'll be back because everyone is talking about him. Go, Ricky!

Three days of being married and I love it. Downside: I have to be careful when going out since I don't want to be mobbed by my fans who read The NYTimes and saw our video. I finally understand the stress stars endure.

Oh...and some bad-good news: The A-List is coming back for a second season. I guess America likes tired gay stereotypes. I will totally not be watching.

Four Dicks and a Chick

I have to wonder: Where will the next scandal come from? These days, it's all about what cheating/abusive spouses are doing. Bruce Springsteen is allegedly involved in a couple's divorce, Tiger Woods returned to golf but his wife is not by his side (good for her!), Charlie Sheen will return to his show (needs $$$) and Jesse James left rehab after v. little time (I guess he's all better now). We need examples of great spouses, don't we?

TG and I are having a Dolly Parton moment. We watched the video for "Better Get to Livin'" and I might have convinced him to watch Straight Talk. He thinks she's "cute" and he's always liked her. Fingers crossed we can also watch Steel Magnolias, which could be the beginning of his nightmare.

Roger Federer Gagne, C'est Genial!

He ties Pete Sampras's record, he wins at the French Open in three sets, he shines in the Gillette commercials, cries sweet triumphant tears to show he's not an alien robot from Mars, nice people and a-holes love him, celebs pine for him, and he impregnates his wife with his super-tennis-DNA sperm. What *doesn't* Roger Federer do?

I bet he can't dance. Dish went to a tween dance recital yesterday and saw adorable little girls flailing around in metallic leggings. Must go to American Apparel to buy metallic leggings for myself, then sign up for tap lessons again. I may look like a shiny gold elephant. Lucky for me, I dance like one, too. Dish’s favorite moment in film (aside from Roy Scheider making the shark explode): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvglHa_P9BA
Tonight is about the Tonys not because I've seen any plays but I love all gay events and Dolly Parton (even gay men love big boobs). It's one of the few show-biz venues where being out is in. Somehow, this is funner than the closeted award shows with its audiences of tired fake marriages and beards.

Dolly Parton for Governor

Update: My bad. I thought our governor was a pimp but he's Just Another Cheating Spouse. Luckily, BF confirms I'm the only one he would hang out with in a D.C. hotel room. This makes Dish's day.

If only our elected officials could have happy hooker experiences without the onus of the pesky law. Makes me think of recently-released-from-prison Al Pacino in Frankie and Johnny when he hires a working girl to spoon him. Or in Living Out Loud when Holly Hunter hires Eric Somethingwithazinit to give her a "massage." Only in these two instances is prostitution understandable...well, except in Nevada.

Oh, and there's The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas--which Dish's pious Baptist grandparents took me to see. It was totally their idea, too. That Dolly Parton can do anything. There, ending on a positive note.

Flying Sucks

Getting up for very early morning flights is not enjoyable and even worse when the same-day flight home is delated three hours. On the first flight, the plane banked through angry clouds and, finally, glided down the Toronto runway an hour later. This city has a clean, quiet airport and I was looking forward to explaning why I was in the country for the day. For inspiration during turbulence, I listened to Dolly Parton's "Better Get to Livin'." She might be what Jesus with boobs and gallons of plastic surgery. It got me through some turbulence. Does Dolly ever have a bad moment? A few, but I've only seen them in Straight Talk and Steel Magnolias.

Six hours later after alighting, I waited in the Toronto airport, hearing for the first time that my flight would be delayed. Staring into the green and black flecked carpet, I thought I might die of exhaustion. Maybe I'm not meant to leave my couch. But then Dolly has done a lot of traveling. She, too, probably battles malignant forces from time to time (those wigs much itch like mad). What's wrong with a little sleep deprivation, stress, and malnutrition for one day? Really, I'm totally spoiled.

Today, I'm watching In the Land of Women, mostly to see how fishy Meg Ryan's lips are. The characters don't make sense. A deeply charismatic Adam Brody plays a young soft-core porn screenwriter, like that's realistic. Somehow, he manages to date a celebrity long-term, but she dumps him for Colin Farrell. And Adam's an average guy living in L.A. When he finds out his grandmother is going downhill, he does his mother a favor by taking care of the crazy bat--played by Olympia Dukakas, of course--cause mothers can't be bothered, ya know. Out in the boondocks, he befriends Meg Ryan and they take long walks together, connecting instantly. In one hot moment, they make out in the rain after she tells him she has breast cancer. Then, he makes out with Meg's daughter, too. Conflict ensues. None of it is believable, though, despite the stigma of cutesiness, Meg has excellent moments. Her lips are way puffy, yet she acts around them. I love her again and hope she does more movies--and goes back to the short hair.

And now I'm thinking, maybe Dolly and Meg should make a movie together. Hmmmm.

Brick Bronson Brings You The World
7/11/06

Brick Bronson here. West Coast correspondent for CSFTS. Happy to be among the few, the proud, the under-medicated. As a veteran journalist, I have covered the world's most significant events such as Tom and Katie's courtship; Tom and Katie's break-up; and Tom and Katie's reconciliation. (And was proud to squelch those rumors once and for all about the identity of that baby; now the world can rest in the comforting knowledge that Scientology and scientists have successfully collaborated in the first human cloning. Hello, Dolly...)

Other big stories you may remember from the annals of my work include the detailed analysis of how celebrities actually get those fabulous gowns for the red carpet in, "Hand Jobs Versus Dirty Knees;" the drama and human suffering surrounding Lindsay Lohan's successful third rehab and Pam Anderson's latest bustatory enhancements; and, finally, in just what may be the pinnacle of my investigative prowess, the truth about Nicole Kidman's panty line.

I'm honored to have finally slept my way up to the middle, and to be talking trash with the talented like of Warren Piece and Clandes Tine. I'll be here, frequently, to keep you up to date on the latest and greatest. Count on me, Brick Bronson [insert dramatic head sweep here] to bring you news that matters, news that makes a difference, news that...well, you get the point.