"Great Role Models for Other Married Couples"

Just when you thought it was safe to scour the internets for wholesome news items, this awesomeness hits you like a sharknado and you Can't Turn Away. I confess, Doug is fantastic actor and I sort of like Courtney Stodden. She's a rude interruptor with gigantic fun bags, but in twenty years, she might rule the world and we won't know how it happened. I suspect her IQ is freakishly high. For now, though, she's a guppy with 0 impulse control.

In Scientology, I scanned a list of celebrity devotees and found...Jeffrey Tambor, acting genius of Arrested Development. REALLY? I'm fascinated.

Today's divorce news: Natasha Henstridge--my very first girl crush--is splitting with her man. Could my ultimate star-fantasy come true, that she and her co-star from The Secret Circle Gale Harold did more than kiss on-screen (I didn't see it but can only assume)? Please say yes. Otherwise, I'll have to watch her with Michael Vartan in little known screen masterpiece It Had to Be You.

Spike Lee released his must watch movies--all men, mostly predictable.

The Bachelorette: Forgive me, feminists, but Brooks is a gigantic pu**y. He's just not that into you, Des.

Poor Bachelorette, Poor Unemployed Selma, Poor Nigella!

Really, the batch of suitors for Dez is seriously sad. I mean, not a drop of testosterone except for the army guy. They're all so emotional with "I've got a kid" or "I have diabetes" or "I've been abandoned and it hurts." Yeah? Me too, I've got mild IBS problems! They don't ask much about what she's thinking or feeling. It's incredibly blah and I don't want her with any of these guys. Maybe one will show his true colors.

That Charlie Sheen is a career killer! Romantic comedy vixen Selma Blair allegedly complained about Sheen's work ethic and CS had her fired. Wowzers. I think this is how fascism starts. Selma will go to a better place because Anger Management sucks. Sheen was fun to watch twenty-five years ago...Selma is fun NOW.

More misogyny--luscious Nigella Lawson was the unfortunate victim of her husband's alleged playful choking her and making her cry. Now I know what I want for my birthday! (leave him, N'ella)

Star Sighting--Kyle MacLachlan!!!

9:56am, 87th and Amsterdam: Dishbrother spotted this Twin Peaks/Desperate Housewife god smiling and carrying a script. DB said Kyle looked AMAZING. Dish believes it after a sighting at Le Singe Vert where he did seem to glow with heavenly light. His Adonis-ness was hidden by Marc Cherry who sat on it, put it in a wheelchair and grayed its hair.

It's official that Jef(f) and Emily from The Bachelorette are not lost in love. Jef is spending his post-breakup time with Arie Luyenigiveup. This would hint at the possibility that Emily ain't no cakewalk as a fiancee. Though if I were that pretty and young, I might be trying to get on every show I could. I should do that now.

The Debate: Obama kicked ass. Media is reluctant to say decisively who won. Candy Crowley skewered for biased moderating. Please. No one went after Tim Russert for his anti-Hillary, pro-Obama moderating.

Beyonce announced as halftime show for the Superbowl. Zzzzzz. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will host the Golden Globes. Sorry, but Ricky Gervais is the best. I love both women. Would rather Ricky! He knows how to keep it un-PC.

Lance Armstrong is on a downward spiral. Nothing is worse than the cancer he survived. Perspective is everything.

Nike hasn't dropped me as a sponsor. I'm in a special hell--one that would keep me from John Taylor's book signing, which I wish I could have attended--but nothing I can't handle. Worse is a gun at your back, threat of death, decades of nightmares and despair. Bad TV and Jersey Boys soundtrack keep a girl going.

The Bachelorette: Spoiler

Up to the last minute, 10:03pm, I waited for Emily to change her mind and choose Arie. His face may be sweaty, have less-than-clear skin (been there), he may not have the steadiest job, but he's way cuter and the chemistry! Emily didn't listen to my psychic pleadings. Despite this, my subconscious remains a placid lake of acceptance. I did, after all, invent a new drinking game: Every time Jef and Em say "like", take a shot. It makes the badness I don't really drink go away. I will erase all knowledge that I've wasted the last two months by watching tonight's Bachelor Pad. Many of the uggos from this season are on. Plus, three words: Blakely's Massive Chompers.

The Bachelorette: Y'all I'm Really Scared

Due to many, many minutes of watching Emily Maynard cry and wipe away her tears with those neat white-tipped fingers, Dish is running out right now to get the SAME MANICURE. How does she manage to cry without smudging her mascara/eyeliner? I've never mastered this, which explains why TG looks away from my raccoon eyes as I'm flinging precious glass elephant artifacts willy nilly.

I watched last night's episode and, before this, made the mistake of reading spoilers for the finale. I'm SO not happy with my findings but will watch till the bitter end. Sean is too perfect, Jef is secretly 12 years old and Arie is just right, except for his sweaty face. The choice is obvious to Dish and several Dishfriends. But then...I'm not Emily (thank jebus since I couldn't handle being so darling).

There is allegedly a big announcement she's going to make at the end of The Bachelorette. My heart can't stand the suspense.

Did You Get Chills Seeing the Trailer for "Dallas"?

I sure did! I cannot wait to get my fill of the dastardly JR and angelic Bobby. Those fierce Texans knocked my socks off when I was 10, they'll do it again when I'm...um... younger than all the members of Duran Duran! This show lassoed my heart and I dreamt of becoming a drunken housewife like the breathy Sue Ellen. Finally, let there be geezer sex...with a Stetson!

I'm catching up on my stories:

The Bachelorette: I don't know how Emily is going to pick from all the guys. I really don't. My money is still on Arie but Jef is kinda cool despite his zygote-ish looks. Still seems mid-pube.

Just saw finale: Screw you, Mad Men!

The Tonys: Have loved Judith Light since One Life to Live. She can do no wrong and she scares me. Matthew Broderick--what was he DOING? Why does everyone sound British? NPH awesome as always. It's true, the real talents are in the theater. Sorry, Dishbrothersidekick, no way are you right about Hugh.

Miley Cyrus Getting Hitched!

Well, congratulations to the happy couple! I can't imagine getting married so young, but HEY, why not? The wedding will be beautiful (let's hope trashy too) and it's another way for Miley to reinvent herself. But...I always like my girls to keep working. It keeps you from the Bad Ds (depression, Dewars, drugs, disgusting dudes).

In far more important news: Ray Bradbury died. I take for granted all the great novelists are deceased so apologies if I'm not grief-stricken. I mourned Ray long ago, like in the 80s when I read Farenheit 451. That is what he wrote, right? Kill me.

In my solitary viewing of The Bachelorette, I noticed that all the guys were sweaty. Shiny noses and foreheads were rocking the glare and ruining the fantasy for Dish. By contrast, Emily always is a glamazon. My money is still on Arie. An outbreak of stomach flu would up the drama...

Remember how months ago when Dish considered attending the Queer As Folk reunion in Germany last month? Well, guess who was missing? I predicted this, though I would have parked myself by Sharon Gless anyway and beg her call me Sunshine. The Kinney absence seems douchey. Hard for Dish to keep the fan flame alive. Okay, one last try. Michael Fassbender would be an even better Kinney than you-know-who.

Tuesday's Lies

NYC today--effing disgusting gorgeous with just a touch of whimsy. I threw on my brightest dress and set off for a fabulous day. I hustled, I bustled. Everything fell into place. I came home to an airy and spotless apartment. Now I'm indulging in quinoa, edamame with some salmon and fresh veggies. The cat is not pissing on the floor.

Did you watch last night's The Bachelorette: That Emily, I just want to carry her around in my shirt pocket. She sparkles and twangs and y'alls me into good humor I am not a lesbian except for that one time. On last night's episode she went to Dollywood, where the Dolly herself came out to perform. I could feel Dishbrothersidekick's bliss from 75 blocks away. Dolly blessed the young woman's romantic search, citing her own long marriage (Hershey, you need to Hulu this). My choices for Emily are Chris or Arie. She had chemistry with Chris and his bashfulness was adorable. Arie just seems like a pleasant and cool guy though might need Crest White Strips.

Mad Men: The Political Correctness police is scandalized over Joan's actions, as if trading sexual favors is a new thing or that she had much of a choice. What I found more upsetting was staying with her husband after he raped her. Sex for power/survival has existed since the dawn of man. Is it so surprising that she'd take one for the team? During that time period, I might have done the same thing--were I not married. She will win in the end.

Dish is ruthless.

The More Celeb Babies, The Prettier the World Becomes...

Fitness goddess Jillian Michaels is now mom of two since she adopted a bambina from Haiti and her partner had a boy. (I smell a reality show) Dish is not a fan of yoga but Jillian makes it seem like aerobics in her power yoga DVD, which I bought a year ago and used once. Congrats, you crazy kids!

Childless Anderson Cooper showed his usual integrity by dissing a bad mommy. I applaud his just kicking an a-hole off his show. I change subway cars all the time when someone is talking too loudly or just being rank. Life is too short.

But it's not too short to discuss Dr. Oz controversial wang photo in Good Housekeeping. TG thought it was an unfortunate angle, that Dr. Oz had something in his pocket (like his penis) and we should give him a break. This reminds me of the time at age four, I walked in on our house-guests stark naked. They acted amused but I was shocked. And yet I didn't want to leave the room. Same thing here, I kinda want to see the pic, but I'm still disturbed.

Reality Observations: My vote is now Arie as the winner of Emily Maynard's heart on The Bachelorette. I lost interest in Doug when he used the term "check it" (which means, be quiet and mindful of what you're saying) and Ryan's pinhead hair distracts me. Plus, I saw on his love letter to Emily all the scribbles, which means he does things half-assed. On RHoOC, was touched by Heather changing to her husband's last name after 15 years of marriage. Dish also changed the last name at an advanced age. Rumor has it that Bethenny and Jason are on the verge of divorce. This has been ongoing since they met. Makes me sad, but not surprised. Relationships are complicated. I've grown to like them together.

TG and I are obsessed with The Shield and the bald brilliance of Michael Chiklis. It is who we are.

Marilyn Never Sounded Like THAT!

Smash finale: Katharine McPhee belted out that last tune like she was on American Idol, but those of us well schooled in Marilyn know the siren never really belted*. She sang in that whispy, sweet breathy voice. Every now and then she belted but never, never like a McPhee. Hmmmmm. I'm not sure about the finale but I will keep watching because Smash is a virus that lasts 9 months. The songs really suck!

Dizzying thought: Obama was one block away from Dishhouse. No wonder all the screeching in my hood. It even brought me and Douchebag--who lives on my floor--into semi-civil proximity. TG likes DB but he's an XY.

Let's try dazzled: The Daniel Craig/Rachel Weisz marriage fascinates me so I had to see The Whistleblower. It's a gruesome story, goodish performances, a bit predictable in its telling--still worth the watch. I'll be even more wishy washy: It's an important story, especially to remind us of the rape/trafficking rampant in Bosnia and how we participated in it. It's a cruel world, the plight of women hopeless. I'm not sure how those survivors survived--with daily abuse. Weisz played the good cop, reminding me slightly of Angelina Jolie in The Bone Collector--sober, quietly fearless, trying to be less gorgeous but FAILING MISERABLY.

I feel better about my thighs: I saw a pic of KK wearing tights and shorts and it made me feel skinny. My IQ just dropped 50 points from previous paragraph, didn't it? How about another 50 (see below)?

Duran Duran is throwing a contest for fans to advertise their new Diamond in the Mind CD/DVD. Dish was so excited! But then realized: I'd have to make it about the band's concert in the UK and not about Me and My Love for Them. This stopped me in my tracks. Where would I even begin? Will watch DVR-ed The Bachelorette instead...or read more Sartre.

Dish is all about the contradictions.

*Why does Tony Curtis in drag make this song even sexier?

Where's Mariska Hargitay When I Need Her?

Spotted, Steven Tyler topless in Maui. He has a perky set of man-hooters.

After mostly taking an all-nighter due to the scary rantings of a lunatic (every one has a few of these, am I right?), I woke to the police knocking on my door. Two of New York's finest were cordial and asking if I knew about the sweet old lady next door and could I find the super to open her door for them. Dish to the rescue! They even used my facilities. Long story short, the sweet old lady had died a few days before. I'm not sure why this makes me happy. Maybe because she's in a better place, is probably happier now. She was quite ill and lived by herself. It puts the lunatics into perspective. TG is sad he missed all the fun, though I'm sure he would have gotten more involved in transporting the body and wondering about switching apartments.

When Dish hears about The Bachelor contestants threatening to rip a %*($*'s face off, the DVR must be set to record. Ben seems functional as this year's bachelor, a bit too Beta but most definitely the lovechild of Keanu and Nadal. I already know who should win (Kacie, the administrative assistant) and who's too batshit crazy (that blogger chick) to stay but will to keep the show interesting, which it's not.

Sandra Bernhard hates on Kathy Griffin which is beyond stupid. Jealous much of Kathy's success? I do enjoy them both but loathe when women bash each other like this, glorifying themselves by crucifying another which always backfires.

Tuesday's Highlights...

I did not watch the AMAs. Too many morons giving speeches. Taylor Swift won the big one.

Seattle Mariners Greg Halman stabbed to death by his brother. Nice! This is why Dish is not a fan of Thanksgiving. Bad things happen. What about the arrest of the "lone wolf" bomb suspect? Crisis. Must eat brownies.

Rehabbers: Ex-fiancee of Michael Lohan--who beat the crap out of her b/c he was probably wasted too--and tabloid maven Kate Major checked herself in. And bruiser Michael Lohan also checked himself in but it was court ordered. Losers.

The Bachelorette's Ali and Roberto have split. Did Dish call this or what? I didn't even watch the show, my skills of celebrity deduction are *that* good.

Justin Bieber took the DNA test. Dish is taking herself out on a date tomorrow night to Jersey Boys. Cannot wait.

Busted, Booked, and Back to Normal!

What is up with the ne'er-do-wells? Samantha Ronson arrested for DUI (Doesn't she look happy?). Redmond O'Neal arrested for heroin and pot possession. I should be arrested for the number of nail polishes I own and never use. I wonder what Lindsay Lohan thinks about all this...

The most important news yet is that 80s supermodel Linda Evangelista--known mostly to Dish for dating Kyle MacLaughlin who looks exactly like her--wants 46G a month in child support from Salma Hayek's Gingie Husband Babydaddy. What would I do with that kind of money? I'D GO SEE DURAN DURAN ON TOUR THIS FALL! Trying to decide if I should go to multiple dates: Philly, Atlantic City, D.C. and NYC. Have never done that. Voice of reason: I have other responsibilities. But is it every day that my heroes tour? And how could I deprive TG of the joy of seeing them live? Will Simon's voice last?

Oh yeah, and Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (not Kathy Griffin, TG) cast her vote in the whole debt wall-to-wall glass houses ceiling bill. This, in fact, is the best feat of all. Bravo, Gabs!

The Bachelorette, Ashley Hebert (castoff dental student from The Bachelor) has waded through her issues and decided she wasn't too career focused and has chosen her man: http://abc.go.com/watch/the-bachelorette/SH5556990/VD55137383/week-10-part-1. See the episode because I sure won't. After The Bachelor heartbreak, I can invest in another couple.

I Want Your D.O.R., Mayo!

Louis Gossett, Jr. is one of my favorite actors. He chomps scenery like crazy, especially in An Officer and a Gentleman, earning him an Oscar. When I saw my beloved Louis on an episode of Little House on the Prairie, I couldn't believe my eyes. Black people on Little House? How fabulous of Michael Landon to promote this. During the ep, of course Pa Ingalls took a stand on racism, which was awesome. Since Pa, Mr. Edwards, a bigot and Louis were transporting dynamite, I figured Louis would get his ass blown to Kingdom Come--a sacrificial lamb to teach us about treating everyone with dignity. I was wrong. Louis survived, which made me think LHOTP was ahead of its time.

Ah, sweet respite. Elliot Spitzer's CNN show canceled, replaced by Anderson Cooper. There is a goddess.

Felicity is pregnant. Can't stop these celebs from reproducing. They're like rabbits. Emily Maynard is being courted as the new Bachelorette, which makes my head spin. This means I have to accept that she and Brad Womack are done. Tears just keep flowing. Of course, I will watch.

Click on an enjoyable rant against Nancy Grace made by Harvey Levin: http://www.tmz.com/2011/07/06/tmz-live-casey-anthony-not-guilty-verdict-nancy-grace-joan-rivers-susan-moss-phone-interview/. It's a little laughable that Nancy Grace would make such a wild statement about "knowing" someone is guilty. It stirs everyone up in a destructive way. Was she there? Harvey cracks me up even when he's dead serious. He has to be on something to keep up his momentum: cocaine, caffeine, or just scary healthy Type A person?

Do I dare state the obvious: There is no objectivity in the U.S. media.