Star Spotting--Christine Quinn!!!

1:14pm at Plein Sud in Tribeca. Dish was scarfing down bread loaded with butter when someone said, "Oh, there's Christine Quinn." I whipped around to see the woman herself, wearing an awesome suit, headed toward a corner table. All I really know about her is that she's a politician and a lesbian...and a celebrity! Ergo I love her. She looked nice. I hope her meal was better than mine...

I don't think I've gone a day without hearing about how method Daniel Day Lewis is. Grrrr. One of these days, I have to see Lincoln even though my intestines gurgle at the thought. On a more cheerful note, Emily Maynard has been cast on Dancing with the Stars, which confirms her fame-whoring ways.Who the hell wants to be an anonymous single mom in Charlotte when you can be on TV? Right there with ya, Ems!

Kate Middleton was discharged from hospital. Pictures show her smiling next to her dashing balding husband. No yakking, but it's only a matter of time before it's caught on camera. Dish is obsessed.

Here's Why You Should Never Peak Too Early

Olivia Newton John and John Travolta kill the dream of Gen-Xers everywhere with this pile of sh*t. I mean, do they think we're morons? It's not even cute. It's just stupid and insulting. What's with the soul patch and severe horrible chia pet pate on your head, JT? How did Olivia lower herself for this drek that I could have filmed on my iPad? This is so upsetting to me. Christmas sucks now.

Some good things: Dish is going to see Jersey Boys again! I've worked for the same place for 15 years and I'm getting extra dinero which will fund my Row 2 on December 19th. Who Loves You! And my fave Beverly Hills Housewife Brandi Glanville dissed LeAnn Rimes for letting her son accidentally eat her laxatives. Ugh...This smells so ugly. Dish has always been on Team Brandi. I'd totally be her BFF.


If you haven't heard enough about Emily Maynard, get ready for her stint on Dancing with the Stars. I'm done with her, though. Picked the wrong guy, rumors she was a big diva.

Okay! Off to Lily White's Party.

"I'm Crying in My Jello Shots, Y'All!"

Oh, Emily Maynard, what are you doing? Dish used to believe in you and your giant fake teeth! Am I to believe what I'm reading--that your Bachelorette love with Jef Holm is a sham? First you get chosen by Brad Womack and you can't hold him down. Sure, he was a scary rageaholic bar-owner, but you could have had everlasting bliss in Texas, dammit!!! Now Dish is totally writing you off, Engagedthreetimes Maynard. I don't care how darling you are or that Dolly blessed your search for love. I'm going to believe the whispers that you really want $$$ and your own reality show! Arie Shiny-face dodged a bullet!

Just caught the first episode of Scandal and I might never watch it again. It's all about Kerry Washington yelling out orders and giving speeches. Yawn. Bring on the hunkalicious presidential debates!!!

Facebook crisis: I have this Friend, we'll call her Madame X, and I check her profile every few days. Sometimes I comment, though not usually because I already feel like a stalker. We're not really friends, but our paths crossed for a few years and I worship her. She does things I wouldn't dare venture. Every update makes me giddy and when she "likes" my status, it's like having Julia Roberts notice you're alive. So, after my FB fast, I checked to see if she posted anything new and SHE WAS GONE. I wondered if maybe she caught on to my mild stalking because it's all about me. I checked mutual friends lists and she was gone there. Since I've seen so many episodes of Snapped, Deadly Women and Dateline, I frantically checked the web to see if something bad happened. Nothing. I hope she just decided to unplug from the world for a while because that's something I want to do, too, but can't venture right now. Best wishes, Madame X, wherever you are.

Just Call Me Algernon!!!

My fast couldn't last forever, right? For 72 hours, Dish was coherent, going back to her brainiac and 50s housewife ways with ironing, reading heady literature and grooving on the To Do list. I blame Sylvester Stallone!

Okay, Dr. Phils, it's my own fault. I rented Daylight so that I could investigate Sacha Stallone's acting. He's better than his dad, but the whole movie sucks serious ass. Of course, struggling writer Amy Brenneman is going to live in a grungy New York apartment with cockroaches. Of course, because she's poor, she's going to have long frizzy hair and wear floral dresses. Of course, she keeps getting rejection letters just as thugs hang out near her door, looking for a chance to B&E because she's a victim and secretly pretty. Thank goodness she has 5 locks on that door (but no bars on the windows). Hmmmm, as she drives toward the Lincoln Tunnel, ya think she's going to encounter adventure? 

Then I went to a reading of my high school friend's fantastic book in the West Village. I even wore heels, a rarity since I like to be able to run away fast. I'm reading Pema Chodron and she encourages you to run toward the hairy dragon instead of away. A flock of us girls gabbed the night away--someone mentioned someone seeing Uma Thuman's actual breasts and we agreed they are magnificent--and reminisced about crazy days of yore.

After this, I had nowhere to do but down so I checked my TMZ, then my Facebook. Just once or twice. Holy bananas, Andy Williams passed away, then Johnny Lewis killed his landlady and then fell to his death. Two celebrities expire in 24 hours? The rate of death is speeding up, you wily Mayans. Now I *really* have to watch Sons of Anarchy in earnest before time itself stops.

Oh, and KD Lang is back on the market (I have a girl crush on her voice) and US Weekly is claiming that all is not well in the Jef Holm/Emily Maynard union. How is that possible?

I'll try to be good for the rest of the night, but FB narcissism persists. Someone posted a pic of last night's festivities and I have to see all the comments, tabulate them, giggle over the attention, and then fantasize about superstardom.

Dish's 9th Duran Duran Concert--Tomorrow Night!

I can't think of anything else. Well, I can, but I don't want to. 30 years is a long time to love a band. It's been hard to focus on the important things.

Like if The Bachelorette's Emily Maynard already cheated on Jef. Apparently, some explicit texts were found between Emily and some other man. I WISH it were Arie except this would ruin his chances of being the next Bachelor. Emily didn't pick him to begin with and who wants to be the SECOND choice? So immature.

Katy Perry might have shed John Mayer, which is a great idea. Though I really don't care.

I went 24 hours without an Altoid and now I'm making up for it. Downward spiral with Katching Up with the Kardashians, as TG calls it. Tried to explain to my therapist that I watched it to examine female archetypes. She raised an eyebrow. I'm so full of crap!

Duran Duran Concert Number Nine, Here I Come!

The Bachelorette: Spoiler

Up to the last minute, 10:03pm, I waited for Emily to change her mind and choose Arie. His face may be sweaty, have less-than-clear skin (been there), he may not have the steadiest job, but he's way cuter and the chemistry! Emily didn't listen to my psychic pleadings. Despite this, my subconscious remains a placid lake of acceptance. I did, after all, invent a new drinking game: Every time Jef and Em say "like", take a shot. It makes the badness I don't really drink go away. I will erase all knowledge that I've wasted the last two months by watching tonight's Bachelor Pad. Many of the uggos from this season are on. Plus, three words: Blakely's Massive Chompers.

Summer is almost TOO exciting with The Bachelorette finale, Breaking Bad and Political Animals!

This is a gorgeous dress. It would look more amazing on me. Tonight's the night Emily chooses her man (or men...) and I'm on pins and needles. Will it be Jef or Arie? Somehow, I have to sneak in Breaking Bad, which I hear was awesome last night.

Headline: Alcohol + jail time + beating your spouse + ignoring your children + going back to the woman from whom you've been banished repeatedly + talking constantly to the tabloids = Today's White Trash. The world will end because Michael Lohan dastardly seed has impregnated the dastardly womb of former tabloider Kate Major. They are playing out a violent domestic situation for all to see with boozin', hittin', fame-whorin' and jailin'. They will wind up on Snapped. Before then, Jay Leno will invite Papa Lohan on his show and heartily congratulate him. Reality show is next.

FYI--I hate Jacquie Lawson e-cards. Don't send them to me. It takes forever and I don't give two sh*ts about little mice moving at a slow speed to decorate a freaking tree. Just tell me Happy Birthday. Then again, beggars can't be choosers.

The Bachelorette: Y'all I'm Really Scared

Due to many, many minutes of watching Emily Maynard cry and wipe away her tears with those neat white-tipped fingers, Dish is running out right now to get the SAME MANICURE. How does she manage to cry without smudging her mascara/eyeliner? I've never mastered this, which explains why TG looks away from my raccoon eyes as I'm flinging precious glass elephant artifacts willy nilly.

I watched last night's episode and, before this, made the mistake of reading spoilers for the finale. I'm SO not happy with my findings but will watch till the bitter end. Sean is too perfect, Jef is secretly 12 years old and Arie is just right, except for his sweaty face. The choice is obvious to Dish and several Dishfriends. But then...I'm not Emily (thank jebus since I couldn't handle being so darling).

There is allegedly a big announcement she's going to make at the end of The Bachelorette. My heart can't stand the suspense.

Happy Fourth of July!

Remember Born on the Fourth of July? You know who starred in it? Okay, never mind. I am so over this storyno, you're not. Because of my lack of attention span, I must do bulletpoints:

1. Someone cried during Cupcake Wars last night. I won't say who. Tweren't I.

2. Jessica Simpson wants to be 110 lbs but is satisfied to reach her pre-baby weight of 130. I scoured IMDB and discovered that she's 5'3. Using the associative property, Dish is thinner than Jessica pre-baby weight.

3. I went on a Facebook fast and lasted three days. See above idiocy to show what happens when you don't FB.

4. Bachelorette spoiler: I can see why Emily sent home Chris, though he's way cuter than Jef and Sean (not Arie). He seems like a sweet guy, though a bit uptight. Jef and Sean aren't competition for Arie, in my book.

5. Yentl: Dish had a Streisgasm this morning. Why did I not see this masterpiece before? Moral of the story: No one gets Babs because she's so special.

6. What is Suze Orman DOING? Dishmama called me in a panic last night over Suze hawking short term life insurance and her pre-paid credit card. This is not the Suze we know and love. She's already rich. Why is she doing this? I tried to find out information from her website and it smells like a duck.

The Feds Looking Askance at Lance!

There are new/old doping allegations against athlete Lance Armstrong. Dish is too close to this issue--one degree of separation. They'll throw me in the slammer over what I think I know. Okay, maybe that's overstating. Lance told my friend her legs were fat and then she made him an egg-white omelet. This was years ago, before he was LANCE. First of all, Dishfriend's body is HOT and cycle-toned for life so we kinda hate him. Second, as a former cycle widow* I learned that doping is everywhere in the cycling world. How else to get through races? How else to deal with nine-hour rides except with a little herbal infusion? Thankfully, my ex-cycle-BFs* were fairly clean in races and had moral codes with respect to the sport (but were dirty dogs in other respects). This new Lance bombshell doesn't surprise me.

Yay: Emily Maynard is reportedly engaged to one of her bachelors! Can't wait to hear which one. Blah: Chris Brown and Drake's entourage allegedly brawled in a NYC nightclub. I've had enough of this dirtbag.

Dish is bitter. Screw SJP and Obama and their fundraiser dinner. 100$ down the toilet. If they don't want me in their home, I don't want their duck confit salad and quinoa tartlettes either!!! (Just kidding. I'd kill for some quinoa and O face time)


*Never date an athlete.
**Yes, more than one. More than two. It was a dark period in Dishlore.

Miley Cyrus Getting Hitched!

Well, congratulations to the happy couple! I can't imagine getting married so young, but HEY, why not? The wedding will be beautiful (let's hope trashy too) and it's another way for Miley to reinvent herself. But...I always like my girls to keep working. It keeps you from the Bad Ds (depression, Dewars, drugs, disgusting dudes).

In far more important news: Ray Bradbury died. I take for granted all the great novelists are deceased so apologies if I'm not grief-stricken. I mourned Ray long ago, like in the 80s when I read Farenheit 451. That is what he wrote, right? Kill me.

In my solitary viewing of The Bachelorette, I noticed that all the guys were sweaty. Shiny noses and foreheads were rocking the glare and ruining the fantasy for Dish. By contrast, Emily always is a glamazon. My money is still on Arie. An outbreak of stomach flu would up the drama...

Remember how months ago when Dish considered attending the Queer As Folk reunion in Germany last month? Well, guess who was missing? I predicted this, though I would have parked myself by Sharon Gless anyway and beg her call me Sunshine. The Kinney absence seems douchey. Hard for Dish to keep the fan flame alive. Okay, one last try. Michael Fassbender would be an even better Kinney than you-know-who.

The More Celeb Babies, The Prettier the World Becomes...

Fitness goddess Jillian Michaels is now mom of two since she adopted a bambina from Haiti and her partner had a boy. (I smell a reality show) Dish is not a fan of yoga but Jillian makes it seem like aerobics in her power yoga DVD, which I bought a year ago and used once. Congrats, you crazy kids!

Childless Anderson Cooper showed his usual integrity by dissing a bad mommy. I applaud his just kicking an a-hole off his show. I change subway cars all the time when someone is talking too loudly or just being rank. Life is too short.

But it's not too short to discuss Dr. Oz controversial wang photo in Good Housekeeping. TG thought it was an unfortunate angle, that Dr. Oz had something in his pocket (like his penis) and we should give him a break. This reminds me of the time at age four, I walked in on our house-guests stark naked. They acted amused but I was shocked. And yet I didn't want to leave the room. Same thing here, I kinda want to see the pic, but I'm still disturbed.

Reality Observations: My vote is now Arie as the winner of Emily Maynard's heart on The Bachelorette. I lost interest in Doug when he used the term "check it" (which means, be quiet and mindful of what you're saying) and Ryan's pinhead hair distracts me. Plus, I saw on his love letter to Emily all the scribbles, which means he does things half-assed. On RHoOC, was touched by Heather changing to her husband's last name after 15 years of marriage. Dish also changed the last name at an advanced age. Rumor has it that Bethenny and Jason are on the verge of divorce. This has been ongoing since they met. Makes me sad, but not surprised. Relationships are complicated. I've grown to like them together.

TG and I are obsessed with The Shield and the bald brilliance of Michael Chiklis. It is who we are.

Emily Maynard Is Like Crack!

Usually I would never watch The Bachelorette, but the lure of Emily as the chooser made me giddy. She is beyond adorable with her Southern manners, sob story and bright smile and large fake chompers. I don't care if she's a fame-whore in girl-next-door disguise. Plus, Dolly Parton will guest star and...okay, I just fainted. Too much excitement with Emily, Dolly, buying Duran Duran ticket (and having them respond to my Tweet!).

My verdict on Emily's suitors are:

A few closet cases. Any guy with six-pack abs should go away as washboards are vile. My money is on: Doug, Arie, and Ryan if he gets a better haircut. The singer/songwriter should stay only for entertainment value as he used the term: "disparate facets" which can only mean he's a tool.

Conspiracy theory: This season times well with Chris Harrison's divorce. Maybe HE'LL be the wild card. I sense some unresolved shmexual chemistry.

Dish and TG Might Get a Second Life!

I saw very few "blackouts" on the web and I'm not sure this strike is happening. So I'll blog today and I won't bury the lead: We might be on TV very soon. And meet someone on a par with Anderson! Dish is already hyperventilating and counting chickens. TG asked me if it would be on a major network and if he could have blue M&Ms in his private dressing room.

Not so exciting, but juicy: Tabloids allege that Vanessa and Johnny have split. This will make many of my friends happy but for Dish, it hits right in the sternum. Watch Vanessa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJrHSfDSm34. I dare you not to fall into a trance--if only to validate the sexiness of baggy sweatshirts. Ah, jailbait.

Brad's ex Emily Maynard is the next Bachelorette. OMG but not surprised. Dish will get lulled into a false sense of southern hospitality though her teeth scare me a little.

John Taylor is having Tweet diarrhea. Mistake to follow him? Though after 29 years of love, Dish can't quit her boys!

Mark Wahlberg pissed off anyone affected by 9/11 by inferring he could have saved the plane--or something. Napoleons always say that. At least he apologized and now he can go back to making his violent feel-good movies. Mostly, I think he's awesome and this comment showed his frustration/rage over almost having been on that plane.

It's so hard to be famous when everything you say is scrutinized and mostly misunderstood!

I Want Your D.O.R., Mayo!

Louis Gossett, Jr. is one of my favorite actors. He chomps scenery like crazy, especially in An Officer and a Gentleman, earning him an Oscar. When I saw my beloved Louis on an episode of Little House on the Prairie, I couldn't believe my eyes. Black people on Little House? How fabulous of Michael Landon to promote this. During the ep, of course Pa Ingalls took a stand on racism, which was awesome. Since Pa, Mr. Edwards, a bigot and Louis were transporting dynamite, I figured Louis would get his ass blown to Kingdom Come--a sacrificial lamb to teach us about treating everyone with dignity. I was wrong. Louis survived, which made me think LHOTP was ahead of its time.

Ah, sweet respite. Elliot Spitzer's CNN show canceled, replaced by Anderson Cooper. There is a goddess.

Felicity is pregnant. Can't stop these celebs from reproducing. They're like rabbits. Emily Maynard is being courted as the new Bachelorette, which makes my head spin. This means I have to accept that she and Brad Womack are done. Tears just keep flowing. Of course, I will watch.

Click on an enjoyable rant against Nancy Grace made by Harvey Levin: http://www.tmz.com/2011/07/06/tmz-live-casey-anthony-not-guilty-verdict-nancy-grace-joan-rivers-susan-moss-phone-interview/. It's a little laughable that Nancy Grace would make such a wild statement about "knowing" someone is guilty. It stirs everyone up in a destructive way. Was she there? Harvey cracks me up even when he's dead serious. He has to be on something to keep up his momentum: cocaine, caffeine, or just scary healthy Type A person?

Do I dare state the obvious: There is no objectivity in the U.S. media.