Breaking Bad or Homeland? That Is the Question.

When Dish has a TV conundrum such as this, there is no choosing. Watch nothing! I haven't watched last week's BB. TG can't stand Homeland (even though he hasn't seen it, even though he loves Mandy Patinkin more than life itself), so we do work. But I cannot wait to watch both! Has Homeland jumped the terrorist shark? Will Walter White go to the white light?

In other news, SNL still stinks. And Jimmy Kimmel and Kanye are in a feud. At first, the tide seemed to go in JK's favor, but there's backlash to this tide. Like, why does Kanye get picked on all the time for being nuts? I won't say it because he's rude and nuts. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that this is beyond frivolous, as in why even bother aside from the comedy of it all...

I will learn from this since I'm sure I'll face negativity over my "art" in the next few months. I kind of don't want to hear it unless tactfully presented by, say, Katie Couric. Please, my fragile ego is only filtering in the BS right now. In secret, I am training like Jackie Chan, punching boards, sliding across roofs, hoarding yarn and puzzles while summoning some charm. If Kanye could dole out a little charm, I'd root for him in heartbeat.

Ps--reason for absence, following the rumor mill that Julia might be a b*tch in real life. There's not enough Xanax to cope with this possibility, as she is perfect.

Dish is going on a FB and news diet!

I know, I know. This happens a couple times a year and it never lasts long. I get so frustrated by my hours in front of a screen, looking at nonsense ("...but nonsense it all is."--name that quote). I keep refreshing my screen and it's awful. I can't hold a thought in my head and nothing gets done.

My last star thing is that the Emmys were incredibly boring last night and Sofia Vergara was robbed. Jimmie Kimmel was a terrible host. I like his talk show, think he's funny but you need an upbeat and sparkly host--like Ellen, Hugh Jackman, Billy Crystal. On a better note, most of what I picked WON!

This is a shameless plug for Homeland. It really is the best show on TV, debuting on Sunday. I'd even say it's better than Breaking Bad, which is perched over the great white but not quite over it. I was elated to see Aaron Paul win and plant a giant smooch on Guancarlo Esposito, one of the greatest actors alive. There's Dexter also coming though it definitely jumped the shark during the Julia Stiles season. Maybe this one will be better. Who was the chick with Dexter in the audience? I thought he was back together with Jennifer Carpenter. Ugh. See what I mean?

Once I'm done with my TV diet, I'm going to pick up my Sons of Anarchy obsession.

Just Say No or Maybe Sometimes

Real World and Celebrity Rehab star Joey Kovar, 29, died, presumably to prescription drugs. Poor guy seemed tormented. Maybe drugs have always been an epidemic but the stars seem to be dropping like flies these last few years. It makes me uncomfortable since in my forties, I'm in great health...sort of. I run a lot, have perfect blood pressure, blood sugar, weight, good teeth. My only chronic health issue is that I don't sleep well and I figure that on some nights, I'm allowed to take something to bludgeon my brain for 8 hours. It makes a big difference and I function. This was my last resort after melatonin, Valerian root smoothies, Tylenol PM, Rescue Remedy spray, excessive journaling, many holistic treatments (here take a pellet, that'll be 300$), and just plain staying up all night for nights on end (when you're watching Wings, you're in trouble). On low stress days, I take nothing and fall asleep at my natural 2am. For the merry go-round, my best solution, for now, is running + 400mg of magnesium + bludgeoning capsule + soothing hypnosis tape + face mask. These prescription drug deaths scare me, though. The heart can't take all these medications and we need to relax.

On a related note, I spent the evening catching up on Breaking Bad. I'm so glad I don't do meth. After Ted's addiction on Queer As Folk, I wouldn't touch the stuff. On BB, the only likeable person on there is Walt's son. The rest are trash (though I love them). I realized that in life and TV, people involved with hardcore drugs are mean. Ever notice that? That world would make me mean, too -- thinking you could be killed, dealing with the dregs of society, looking like hell from a crazy night, having to hide everything.

Now I'm going to catch up on my politics!

Making Light of Atrocity

Dish loves un-PC and off-color jokes but it takes skill to make 9/11 or the latest Batman tragedy funny. Comedians push the "funny atrocity" envelope, I think, to get into tabloids and they almost always fail. Most recently, Dane Cook did it and Jeff Ross followed suit in the Roast of Roseanne. Maybe South Park is successful at this. The Book of Mormon is the only instance where I laughed hysterically at child sexual abuse and AIDS. Otherwise, why go there?

Monday's news was light or maybe I am too focused on my cold. TG over-surfed and fell ill in California. I woke up this morning with that raw, scratchy throat. My week is busy with a viewing of Jersey Boys and then...TG and I are filming yet again on Friday. We are soooooooo famous. A cold might be a good thing. If my voice--probably my least attractive trait--is affected, I'll sound like a sexy Kathleen Turner instead of my usual Marge Simpson rasp. We can only hope. Dish will breathe in some mold and drink from TG-tainted glasses.

Please say a loud f*($k for me since my DVR erased the last three episodes of Breaking Bad. Where the hell can I find them? And please get Amanda Bynes a driver since she might have been involved in another hit and run. I have Skyline on speed-dial with their floaty Lincoln Town Cars and mysteriously quiet drivers who always get me to the church on time. Amanda, please listen.

Couples in hell: Rumor has it that J. Lo is about to dump Casper Smart. And, the kinky pair who never seemed to share a distressing moment Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen might be on Couples Therapy to repair their marriage. Smells like a desperate way to get back on TV. I don't blame them. They were fun in the spotlight.

NBC is sucking eggs right now. They fired Jack Osbourne after he announced he had MS and Sharon just quit her show. Matt Lauer swung his mighty hammer at Ann Curry's career with less than happy results. And today, Matt Lauer used the term "Indian Giver" on The Today Show. Oh so glib, Matt. Talk about making light....

Summer is almost TOO exciting with The Bachelorette finale, Breaking Bad and Political Animals!

This is a gorgeous dress. It would look more amazing on me. Tonight's the night Emily chooses her man (or men...) and I'm on pins and needles. Will it be Jef or Arie? Somehow, I have to sneak in Breaking Bad, which I hear was awesome last night.

Headline: Alcohol + jail time + beating your spouse + ignoring your children + going back to the woman from whom you've been banished repeatedly + talking constantly to the tabloids = Today's White Trash. The world will end because Michael Lohan dastardly seed has impregnated the dastardly womb of former tabloider Kate Major. They are playing out a violent domestic situation for all to see with boozin', hittin', fame-whorin' and jailin'. They will wind up on Snapped. Before then, Jay Leno will invite Papa Lohan on his show and heartily congratulate him. Reality show is next.

FYI--I hate Jacquie Lawson e-cards. Don't send them to me. It takes forever and I don't give two sh*ts about little mice moving at a slow speed to decorate a freaking tree. Just tell me Happy Birthday. Then again, beggars can't be choosers.

How Could I Forget?

Breaking Bad premieres TONIGHT!!!

Best thing on TV.

Geezer News

Robert De Niro and his wife Grace Hightower gave birth to a divine girl (via surrogate). Let this latest De Niro be intense and ever mindful of making as many pictures as possible, some good, some bad. Mazel Tov, you crazy kids!

Ladies and Sugar T*ts, let the matrimonial race begin. Mel Gibson is official single again. Hubba, hiccup, hubba! I just can't help remembering the precious voicemail he left for his last babymama, "I want you to get over here and BLOW ME NOWWWWW!!!!" Who says romance is dead?

Prince Phillip underwent emergency heart surgery. For the sake of the monarchy, let's hope he recovers soon. Stiff upper lip!

The holiday season means more Jacquie Lawson ecards. They're sort of like The Highline to Dish--don't get the appeal but lots of my friends/colleague think they're fabulous. In our age of immediate gratification, I can't sit still long enough to see the bird create a centerpiece for the Christmas table, then light a crappy candle in the window. Am I on crack?

Long live someecards.com.

Speaking of crack, I'm thoroughly hooked on Breaking Bad. The acting is just ... I have no words. It brings back my years in New Mexico, when in 3/4 neighborhoods, you could count on a someone breaking into your house and stealing all your jewelry. The good old days! Despite this, I'd go back in a heartbeat for the desert beauty. The series doesn't capture the lusciousness of NM, just the seedy part.