Making Light of Atrocity

Dish loves un-PC and off-color jokes but it takes skill to make 9/11 or the latest Batman tragedy funny. Comedians push the "funny atrocity" envelope, I think, to get into tabloids and they almost always fail. Most recently, Dane Cook did it and Jeff Ross followed suit in the Roast of Roseanne. Maybe South Park is successful at this. The Book of Mormon is the only instance where I laughed hysterically at child sexual abuse and AIDS. Otherwise, why go there?

Monday's news was light or maybe I am too focused on my cold. TG over-surfed and fell ill in California. I woke up this morning with that raw, scratchy throat. My week is busy with a viewing of Jersey Boys and then...TG and I are filming yet again on Friday. We are soooooooo famous. A cold might be a good thing. If my voice--probably my least attractive trait--is affected, I'll sound like a sexy Kathleen Turner instead of my usual Marge Simpson rasp. We can only hope. Dish will breathe in some mold and drink from TG-tainted glasses.

Please say a loud f*($k for me since my DVR erased the last three episodes of Breaking Bad. Where the hell can I find them? And please get Amanda Bynes a driver since she might have been involved in another hit and run. I have Skyline on speed-dial with their floaty Lincoln Town Cars and mysteriously quiet drivers who always get me to the church on time. Amanda, please listen.

Couples in hell: Rumor has it that J. Lo is about to dump Casper Smart. And, the kinky pair who never seemed to share a distressing moment Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen might be on Couples Therapy to repair their marriage. Smells like a desperate way to get back on TV. I don't blame them. They were fun in the spotlight.

NBC is sucking eggs right now. They fired Jack Osbourne after he announced he had MS and Sharon just quit her show. Matt Lauer swung his mighty hammer at Ann Curry's career with less than happy results. And today, Matt Lauer used the term "Indian Giver" on The Today Show. Oh so glib, Matt. Talk about making light....

Steven Seagal Still Follows Dish

FYI it's very hard to post from an iPad but mucho convenient. Sorry for the no pics. I'll make up for it on Saturday when we return. But seriously, way back in 2006 I must have posted about how Steven Seagal "appears" whenever I travel. He did not let me down. Spotted him in today's NYT and his hands/feet outside of Grauman's Chinese Theater. Today we did some touristy things and I got to give Morgan Freeman the finger at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. So satisfying.

What is unsatisfying: Cuba Gooding Jr is wanted for shoving a female bartender. It's the Oscar curse. This is why I do a sh&tty job so as not to win awards. Oh wait, I sort of did, so I expect life will go downhill immediately. Cuba, there's no excuse for violence, especially in New Orleans, the funnest town on Earth, except the heat drives you mad in July.

NBC Today ratings continue to decline, bahahahahahaha, chortles Ann Curry and Katie Couric.

Obama Care Stays, Ann Curry Goes

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Wasn't that Leo Tolstoy? JK. Maybe. So, Dish was watching Fox News (just for Judge Alex) when they broke through with the URGENT and DIRE decision to keep Obama-care. There was a lot of sighing and head-shaking. I still feel Obama should have gone further with this policy but I'll take this victory! (Vote Hillary)

Earlier this morning came another history-making event: Ann Curry announcing that she's leaving Today. This is probably one of the most awkward TV moments that I've ever witnessed--especially Matt's suggestion that she might jump out of a plane soon: .

Matt Lauer is a douche*. I haven't watched this show since Katie Couric left, but I hope that this botched departure hurts Today's ratings. And I hope Ann Curry's popularity grows exponentially! (Thanks, TMZ!)

I predict continued low ratings. Meredith Viera was a hard act to follow.

*So are the "high priority" emails flooding my inbox. Nothing is that urgent. Really. It's making Dish cranky.

Paris is now a DJ?

I'm all for Paris Hilton trying to find herself. This past week, she debuted as a DJ somewhere south of Dish. I saw the clip and, first of all, I don't get the DJ as rock star. Aren't they supposed to be off to the side, up in the booth? Where's the mystique if they stand on stage and push buttons? Not interesting at all! I say, Paris needs to go to college.

TV Land aired American Film Institute's honoring of Shirley Maclaine. I confess my eyes filled at the start-up music. A room filled with Julia, Meryl, Jack, Don Rickles (It's not always about you, Morgan Freeman!). How could I not cry a little? I love my Shirl but what the hell animal died on her head? She wore a weird wig but those sparkling blue eyes are mesmerizing. Julia did well, looks great with her tanner but...I hate to admit this...I'm turning a little. The wind tells me she might not be my imaginary best friend after all. Must consult an acquaintance in the know. Jack Nicholson should never speak in public again. It's okay because Jack Black blew everyone away, facing her reincarnation stuff head-on.

The skinny: Koda is frontrunner to take over for Ann Curry. I like that but hate that Ann Curry is being skewered. I think she's been treated like crap from Day #1. Let the tide turn and make her beloved. Octomom has a boyfriend but Dish smells a beard to get on TV.

So Dish has written her scandalous and bitchy fictitious memoirs and needs a good first name pseudonym, something modern and peppy. Any ideas?

Can't You Feel the Love in this Picture?

My fairy godmother had a special Julia movie delivered to me for the weekend. In 1994, I was chasing cyclists, using email for the first time, signing up for a master's program and hearing all about how Julia and Nick Nolte hated working with each other on I Love Trouble. In this flick, he looks semi-normal, but you kinda don't want to see them kiss. Poor Julia. I can't wait to watch this mess!!!

The condition of Dish: Still aching over missing the mini-DD concert. Do you think Simon has stopped crying and forgiven me for staying in the a/c and watching The Shield with TG?

Speaking of Simons, today I pondered Simon Cowell and the rumor he's had plastic surgery. The man must have engaged in Botox, but perhaps having heaps of $$ necessitates severe procedures. I see my sags and don't blame him one bit. But is it lonely at the top, Simon? Two failed engagements to women. So much pressure to reinvigorate his brand. I keep wanting him and Seacrest to give in to the sexual tension simmering between them. The hottub is just right.

Recently divorced James Marsden, whom I always thought was gay talented, knocked up a brazilian model, i.e. the kryptonite for most actors, musicians and sports figures. Children, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

The Curry firing furor still keeps everyone guessing. She's pretty classy to keep on going. Will remember her cool as I'm in the enemy's sights.

Ann Curry Leaving Today?

According to TMZ, Ann Curry is almost out the door of Today. Dish always thought her not the ideal choice to cohost, especially with douchey Matt. Ann's soothing voice works so much better delivering news. Who could sit next to Matt? He needs someone next to him whom he's not likely to boink or want to boink. Someone for whom he'll have respect since he seems like a tool. I do love his Tom Cruise and Madonna interviews! He finesses La Madge like a fine instrument.

Just desserts: Bristol Palin's show bombed. I'm not sure why Lifetime found her story interesting for TV. I mean very little disrespect because TG and I learned today that we're not interesting either!!! We went to "audition" for a show and we put the casting people to sleep. Maybe for a Metamucil commercial, we could have sh*t colorful, perky rainbows. Alas, we're not a "fun couple." Wiping away our bitter tears, we console ourselves with the thought that we might be too educated to appear on TV. Damn you, fine education!

Carrie Underwood enraged some of her fan base by coming out for gay marriage. Nicely done, girl. Stick up for what you believe!

Kristin Davis and Aaron Sorkin a couple. I LOVE IT! I've been waiting for her to partner up forever. Charlotte pretty. Aaron crazy and smart. Maybe they need to be on TV. Oh wait...