I Know You're All Worried...

...about my incessant watching of The West Wing. Fear not. Tonight I caught up on Shahs of Sunset with TG until he fell asleep during Resa and Adam's "seaglass" hunting and snacking on prepared exotic foods on the beach. Then I went back to Josiah Bartlett's announcing he was running for a second term even though he has MS. Stockard Channing is pisssed.

Now I regret missing the Grammys since I didn't see Justin Timberlake's stylish return to performing. Chris Brown remaining seated when Frank Ocean won his award. Taylor Shift (oh god, I know that's not her name but I can't think of it) singing that sourpuss song, dissing her British ex. J.Lo flashing her leg like Jolie, though I prefer my J.Lo in a sparkly flesh-toned body-stocking. I don't get why the leg flash or The Highline in NYC is such a big frigging deal. More impressive is Katy Perry defying the CBS body-censoring memo with the unleashing of her glorious tatas in that awesome seafoam dress from American Apparel. I should have watched....

Out of fear that TG will see how much sh*t I watch rage against the networks for scheduling my two must-sees at the same time, I'm not watching The Bachelor or RHoBH, which is why I'm writing this during the 8-10pm hour.

Oh wait: This just in--LeAnn got BANGS!!! I'm seeing Jersey Boys for the 8th time on Wednesday (an accident!). And the pope resigned.

So Not into the Golden Globes, Not Sure Why!

I'm watching them anyway... Resentful of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for cruelly stealing Ricky Gervais's spot. Resentful of friends who thought Ricky was over the top. Fighting the tide of change. Missing TG who's visiting family. He loves award shows for some reason, gets perked up by "the biz" in its glory.

Observations so far:

Daniel Day: Awesome for doing the ET thing. I thought he'd be a douche and pretend it was beneath him. Caught a glimpse of my sort-of neighbor Sally!!!
Jennifer Lopez is naked.
Sofia, as always, was robbed.
Why is Julianne Moore becoming more and more awesome as the years go by? Love hair and dress.
Rooted hard for Damien, glad he won for Homeland.
What's happened to Salma Hayek's career?
Daniel Craig needs to powder his face. Adore seeing him with his wife, Rachel (we're on a first-name basis since The Constant Gardener in which she's brilliant)--a golden couple
Adele is awesome. Have to check--Duran Duran never won a GG for View to a Kill, touted as best Bond song ever (at least in my imagination)
Oh, Anjelica Huston...

That is all for now.

And I Love YOU, Honeypants!

Didn't O kick butt last night? He needed to and the bayonet comment slayed--though of course, now the bayonet association is pissed. Romney just kept repeating what O said and stuttering. I would be a basket case in a debate so I give plenty of kudos to anyone who survives the process. Still, as much as I quibble about our choosing O over Hillary, I feel more secure with Obama as Prez. Though Romney doesn't scare me as much as Bush/Cheney did. Of course, Bob Schieffer is heralded as the best moderator ever, though my fave was Martha Raddatz.

Yesterday's post was a little diet obsessive. Well, fair readers, I was punished for my food absorption and my bad temper. After my snapping about who would get dinner, TG procured a rotisserie chicken, which poisoned us. Since 3am, we have been misery itself. It's the real part of any relationship.

J. Lo had a nip slip during a concert. I did too. Just now. I would tweet it but I'm not a loser. Seriously, you gotta paste those puppies in. No excuse, even if you're dancing. Swimsuit malfunction in the pool, okay. Especially if it falls off as your father-in-law comes over to say Hi. It's not a crime, but it is embarrassing.

A Haunting and Burgers...

Dish had a very difficult day. I can't afford to dwell on the following:

Hulk Hogan's sex tape and do I risk bleeding from the eyes by watching it or not.

Can I trick TG into watching The Real Housewives of New York City Reunion 2?

J. Lo had a nip slip. So did I just now.

Neal Schon and Michaele Salahi are engaged. Love is forever.

Worried that Mitt Romney will win, though TG says nothing will change. The only scary part is the supreme court aspect.

Why Is Everyone Being an A-Hole Today?

Is it just me? Rushers rushed down the stairs as if I weren't there. I seemed to say the wrong thing and with my scratchy voice, it never sounds good. Cellphoneaholics blocked my path to and from my destination. The treadmill didn't want me. And mostly, I've encountered snappish humans who've made me snappish. Screw you all!

Now that that's out of the way.

Maybe I'm upset because I am resisting Glee. I don't want to get hooked into another season yet the guilt might make me cave. Then again, if I turn on the TV, it might interrupt someone's more important work. All I do is flit and flutter about.

Alison Pill must be drunk, desperate and off meds since she accidentally tweeted her tatas to the world. There are no accidents and she caught us yawning. I liked her in Milk and In Treatment but I've lost all respect for anything she's done. Who's next, Susan Sarandon? Actually, that would be okay. She has great jugs!

I'll have to watch this mess on Dr. Phil. And you think I'm slurring and out of it. Cannot wait to see Dr. Phil therapize the one who bore a culture killer.

Sally Struthers busted DUI.

Some scoop from Katie's new show and the episode with J.Lo. Allegedly, J.Lo was gorgeous and friendly with fans. But Katie was on edge and didn't seem to jibe with J.Lo, like something was "off." Maybe J.Lo demanded too much, i.e. Vitamin Water, monogrammed M&Ms and peppermint flavored laxatives, in her dressing room. Dish is applying for free tickets IMMEDIATELY.

Since I heard Daniel Day Lewis was playing Lincoln, I was itching for a trailer. Sadly, the vomitatious Spielberg music and self-righteous over-acting might make me skip this in favor of The Master.

Making Light of Atrocity

Dish loves un-PC and off-color jokes but it takes skill to make 9/11 or the latest Batman tragedy funny. Comedians push the "funny atrocity" envelope, I think, to get into tabloids and they almost always fail. Most recently, Dane Cook did it and Jeff Ross followed suit in the Roast of Roseanne. Maybe South Park is successful at this. The Book of Mormon is the only instance where I laughed hysterically at child sexual abuse and AIDS. Otherwise, why go there?

Monday's news was light or maybe I am too focused on my cold. TG over-surfed and fell ill in California. I woke up this morning with that raw, scratchy throat. My week is busy with a viewing of Jersey Boys and then...TG and I are filming yet again on Friday. We are soooooooo famous. A cold might be a good thing. If my voice--probably my least attractive trait--is affected, I'll sound like a sexy Kathleen Turner instead of my usual Marge Simpson rasp. We can only hope. Dish will breathe in some mold and drink from TG-tainted glasses.

Please say a loud f*($k for me since my DVR erased the last three episodes of Breaking Bad. Where the hell can I find them? And please get Amanda Bynes a driver since she might have been involved in another hit and run. I have Skyline on speed-dial with their floaty Lincoln Town Cars and mysteriously quiet drivers who always get me to the church on time. Amanda, please listen.

Couples in hell: Rumor has it that J. Lo is about to dump Casper Smart. And, the kinky pair who never seemed to share a distressing moment Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen might be on Couples Therapy to repair their marriage. Smells like a desperate way to get back on TV. I don't blame them. They were fun in the spotlight.

NBC is sucking eggs right now. They fired Jack Osbourne after he announced he had MS and Sharon just quit her show. Matt Lauer swung his mighty hammer at Ann Curry's career with less than happy results. And today, Matt Lauer used the term "Indian Giver" on The Today Show. Oh so glib, Matt. Talk about making light....

A Waiter Dishes...

Last night, while out with my excellent in-laws, we were blessed with an eavesdropping waiter. The second TG mentioned his Charlie Rose experience, Waiter piped in and seconded what a great guy the newsman was. Of course, I was eager for more. Waiters are this country's most powerful untapped resource. They know everything.

"Who else is awesome?" I screeched.

Well, Dishreaders, Waiter complied and gave some fabulous dirt:

Who's awesome: Heather Locklear. She is the embodiment of sweetness. This filled me with pleasure. I've loved her since Dynasty when she played gay Steven's hot jailbait wife.

Who's AWFUL: Jennifer Lopez. If only this would stop me from watching Monster-in-Law. It's a sickness!!!

Uma gave birth to a little Uma. When's she going to get ass back to work? Clock is ticking and Dish needs another Netflix!

Gossip I don't believe: That Demi is pissed at her daughters because they have relationships with Ashton. Dr. Dish feels this is understandable but Demi still needs to step up and just be their mother -- and do another movie! So Melanie Griffith took off her wedding ring to do the dishes. The paps got a picture of her ringless hand and are going batsh*t. Suddenly, she and Antonio are on the rocks. They've been married for 15 years so a divorce is long overdue. Ms. Bony A** needs to get that ring back on.

I'm at the part of Ally McBeal when she has the daughter from frozen eggs and Bon Jovi is doing her plumbing. Do I see a shark? BJ needs to stop wearing turtlenecks and put on some mascara.

Omarosa Saves!!!

Remember how a few years ago Omarosa Stallworth was that b*tch we loved to hate? She picked fights with everyone, including Bethenny, Wendy Williams and Piers Morgan. I never bought her treachery because often TV bitchery is just simple fame-whoring. What lies beneath is a heart of gold. I know, I couldn't say that with a straight face either. Say what you will, Omarosa came to Michael Clarke Duncan's rescue early this morning as he went into some cardiac arrest distress. Because I love Duncan, I now love Omarosa.

American Idol is officially screwed since J.Lo and Steven Tyler quit. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone -- both of them. A flower can't grow without the water of Aerosmith's lead singer or the sweet nectar of our favorite maid in Manha'in. I didn't watch this season, and I double-won't-watch next.

Today in quotable TG: "Life is more than just protein." It's funny because he tells this to the cat.

I Feel Love...

Dishbrother introduced me to Donna Summer in the 70s when we were living in France. He was in love with her, she sounded awesome, was so purty and we danced to her tunes often. What a sad day. But have a listen and glory in the legend.

Forbes says J.Lo is most powerful celebrity in the world. But leaving AI? Say it ain't so, J. Lo! How could you not want to sit with Steven Tyler every day?

The Killing & Mad Men: I love them both but this season has been illin'. I'm realizing now that all these seasons are ending. What am I going to do this summer? Oh right, the campaigns...

Where is Nick Stahl? The actor has been reported missing since May 9th. The world is going to hell. But I'm going to see Duran Duran. And I have those purple J-Crew minnie pants.

Make the Celebrities Stop Fighting! Someone's Going to Get Hurt!

It's an epidemic! Stars are fighting with writers. Let's get a big pool of creamed corn and watch these violent flesh-balls go at it. I'll bring the Bratwurst and Pepsi.

In ring 1: Sleaze writer Joe Eszterhas and Mel Gibson are dueling over anti-semitic remarks the actor/director allegedly made. Mel claims Joe's script for Maccabees blew moose testes. These two skeeve me out to the max. My advice: Get out a ruler. What else is there to do now that Maccabees is a no-go? And we were all so excited about this one.

In ring 2: The love fest between Andrea Peyser and Alec Baldwin continues--as does Dish's fascination! Though, I find some faulty reporting in her dwelling on his I-swallowed-a-water-buffalo appearance adopted by many doughy middle-aged male stars*. Alec has slimmed down, no doubt encouraged by his seemingly-awesome fiancee**. Doesn't Alec remind you of a certain temperamental, weight-shifting Democrat with woman problems? Teddy Kennedy lives! Okay, I just blasphemed. Is it possible for me not to take sides in this issue? Can't I love them both?

In ring 3: Alec is pissed at NBC and said he's dumping the network after their news crews camped out at his place. I'd rather see his hissy than read passive-aggressive tweets, but as an avid stargazer, do feel stars should have some privacy. Curiosity is a sick beast.

Marc Anthony filed for divorce from J.Lo citing irreconcilable differences, which means 1. Let's just end this thing 2. Something really bad happened. 3. Celebrity marriage ADD. In the case of these two, I'd go for option #1.

Zimmerman was finally charged with second degree murder. Can I get an It's About Time?

*Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal--though Crowe may have slimmed down and Seagal did look svelte in Exit Wounds. These boys yo-yo diet like teenage girls!
**I can't articulate why but she seems like a cool cucumber to Dish.

You Found Me Out, New York Magazine!

And you've captured me beautifully. The glasses, the hair, the shoving a pill/Altoid in my mouth. My thanks. I'm truly blessed...and even more famous.

I don't need the tranquilizers on the subway anymore and last night marked a first as I also resisted Couples Therapy, the Ch1 special where celebrity has-beens rehash their toxic relationships. I realized, after DMX gave up his bottle to the counselor, that Vienna and Kasey now bore me to tears.

Celebrities should no longer be allowed to name their children. Jeremy Sisto and his babymama named his child Bastian Kick. It's abuse, like Dish trying to sing.

Tebow with the Jets? I'm not sure why this excites me. Maybe breathing life into this cursed franchise?

TG and I are now going to watch American Idol. We haven't followed it, but TG likes the show. I just enjoy the sunshine that is J.Lo and pretend that Steven Tyler is my secret daddy. I vote for Bar-Voice Blonde or Mr. Ponytail.

"I Didn't Do It on Purpose. Tee Hee."

Maybe J.Lo's nipple likes to travel. Anyway, that's what I remembered from last night's Oscars. In my haze, somewhere in the middle, my eyes alit on these globes, this sparkling dress, and the globes again. Off to the side, peeking over as if to say, "I'm here too!!" was her nipple. And now everyone's talking about it. She did it with Diddy, she did it today. Dangerous booby dress by J.Lo! Love her and good night.

Just kidding. Of course, Billy Crystal was a delight. I figured out why he's the only one who can host the Oscars. He appeals to every demographic unlike his predecessors. He is classic, often classy and rolls with the punches. Billy never really offends but tweaks you just enough and pulls away. We need nostalgia badly and he brought it back. The opening was anticlimactic for Dish only because the hosts after him did the same thing. But I'll take Billy. He should do the Oscars forever.

There were no surprises in award winners--Yay, THE ARTIST!--so I must react to the fashions:

Viola Davis needed a wig/shaping or a different dress but she is so damn pretty it doesn't matter.

Meryl finally wore something glamorous.

Angelina looked great in that black dress instead of the funeral dresses she tends to prefer. She's been gorgeous this season.

Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain needed better hair. Hair was a big problem more than dresses this season.

Rose Byrne: gorgeous girl, bad Anna Wintour bob that is so off-putting, the kind of hair only an arch-nemesis would have.

Sandra Bullock has had something facially done but I still love her (not that blousy branch dress). Even TG noticed she didn't look like Sandra. You gotta invest in the face, especially if you're a Hollywood actress. My feeling is that when you've had face work, just hide it with some poof. I did just this when I accidentally shaved a side of my head. I cut a strand and taped it to my bald spot, a middle-schooler's weave, if you will. This was not recent.

Adored Rooney Mara's look though she seemed snarky during interviews. Like she's so over it all.

Emma Stone looked willowy and buzzed young happy. Did she have to hide her neck? Maybe Dish's swan neck makes her think everyone has one as elegant. It is just not so.

I'm not a fan of white against blond unless LOTS of shimmer so back to the drawing board Gwyneth and Cameron. J.Lo stole their thunder with those tatas wanting to burst free and see America.

Cirque du Soleil: Take that, Debbie Allen!!!

Today I went trolling for afterparty scandal and only found a picture of Jessica Chastain and our favorite newly-rehabbed lady-killer Gerard Butler. Don't do it, Jessica. Then again, redheads never have more fun (it's a myth) so have at it and continue acting your heart out, you fierce Gingie!

Off to See God Himself AKA Alan Rickman in "Seminar"!

I cannot wait to see AR on stage again. Review to come. I hear Jerry O'Connell is fabulous too.

More happiness: Drew Barrymore is taking the plunge for the third time! What I love about Drew is that she has a type: dorky dudes and she tends to up their star points. Dishfriend once stood in line with her at Bed, Bath and Beyond and said she was darling.

Keri Russell (aka Felicity) gave birth to a girl! I can't be bothered to look up the name but I imagine it's something like Peach or Lorelei Buzzkill or Raine. Meanwhile, I'm trying to heal the indigestion from seeing the latest Twitterpic of Marc Anthony--all fuzzy-eyed--smooching on a J.Lo twin. Quick, J.Lo time to mount Casper on a bench!

Star Sighting--Wallace Shawn!!!

12:15pm, suspiciously close to Barney's Co-op. I was so starstruck I had to look away. People reference him from The Princess Bride, but Dish never saw it. Every ex of mine had it in his collection. With each beau, I'd see The Princess Bride and think, Not this again. My recent-ish fave: Vanya on 42nd Street.

So, photos surfaced of J.Lo cuddling with a much younger, far less accomplished back-up dancer. Madonna-Britney much? Then again, Marilyn falls for youngster Colin in My Week with Marilyn, which I just saw. It's above average movie-wise and Michelle Williams is stunning as Marilyn, aka the hardest role in the world to play. For a few seconds, I forgot that it wasn't Marilyn, especially from the side. Kenneth Branagh and Judy Dench remain brilliant.

The trailer for War Horse made me giggle. Dishbrother was touched by the play, but the overly-sentimental Spielbergesque trailer induced laughter. I expected the boy and the horse to make out.

This is what we're seeing tomorrow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDY8dfwGQNU&feature=fvst. Jean Dujardin's time has come. He is what happens when Gene Kelly and Sacha Baron Cohen have sex. TG turned me on to Jean at the beginning of our courtship: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYxPpx1yCY4.

Dish Is Thankful...

*for amazing powers of prediction with the marriages of Kim Kardashian, J.Lo, Demi & Ashton, Christopher Knight, Olivia Wilde and the frequent jailings in the Lohan family.

*that J.R. Martinez won Dancing with the Stars, though I knew he would from Day #1. I'm thankful not because of his service to our country, but his service to All My Children, which went off the air, for which I'm *not* thankful. The last show was an epic WTF.

*that there's a light at the end of the dark Julia tunnel that was Larry Crowne.

*that Gale Harold is employed on The Secret Circle, though the show doesn't compel me.

*that I have such a wonderful husband who married me on 1/16/11 and I'm thankful I didn't faint at the altar and only needed 1/2 of 1/2 of a tranquilizer.

*that I got to hug Anderson Cooper this year.

*that with minimal effort, I can bring back a flat stomach.

*for Born to Run by Christopher MacDougall.

*that Hillary Clinton isn't vilified as much and she's being recognized.

*for my Tom Ford glasses. Not sure if they'll be cool in six months.

*for the extra space in my accidental purchase of men's jeans a size too big.

*for my family, friends, and health.

Vavavavoom!

There's No Room at the In-and-Out Burger

I've been hearing that Jessica Simpson can't sell the news of her impending baby or its pics. Remember when you could just announce your pregnancy without expecting money? I only care about Papa Simpson's reaction to her burgeoning womanliness. Has he noticed that her melons are ripe with milk? Or offered to help the nurse deliver the child unto grampappy's hands? What about the fact that Jessica is knocked up and not married? What would Jesus say about that?

Devastating article about Bethenny Frankel in The Post today. Granted this rag is no bastion of literary truth, but it made me even more frightened of this former Housewife, for no reason other than she screeches.

During a song about love, J. Lo broke down crying. Damn, girl, I would have to. She's been through so many phases of Amore. It must have overwhelmed her. Meanwhile, my ducts are still clogged and I haven't even gotten into my Qasimodo costume yet. Toodles.

Say it Ain't So, J Lo!

Do I believe the rumors that J Lo and Bradley Cooper are dating? Not even a little bit. Dish just doesn't see zing. Maybe because I still--irrationally--feel he tortures small animals and lights girls' hair on fire for fun. J Lo needs a man who will spread petals on the floor leading to a romantic master bedroom containing jacuzzi, mirrors on ceiling and a sultry haze which makes everyone look better. Never mind that. J Lo doesn't have time to date right now with American Idol, her resurgence as an A-Lister, and then caring for precious Max and Emme. My wish is that, for once, J Lo date someone as big as she is--both physically and famously.

Tennis anyone? I tend to avoid watching Serena Williams play (love Venus, tho!) given her penchant for mouthing off at umps, especially if she's not playing well. Why can't athletes behave like sportsmen/women? She was fined, according to recent reports. Congratulations to Samantha Stosur!

Prayers to the family of Spartacus actor Andy Whitfield who died too young at 39 after battling non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. So sad. I remember when he left the show and this is terrible news indeed.

How do we tread water in this life? We do it by trying to get on television. I could have big news in a few days. Dish might bask in someone's greatness tomorrow and let us all pray no one faints! No, it ain't Duran Duran, but definitely a hero.

I Was on TV, AGAIN!

Yes, Dish has extended her fifteen minutes of fame. It all has to do with my phenomenal love story and wedding to TG. I'd give you the link, but then I wouldn't be so anonymous (wink, wink).

Also in the news: J.Lo celebrating her 42 years on Earth, gracing us with some very spontaneous killer ab shots. Thanks, Jennifer! Dish would do the same but you'd need sunglasses with how snowy white my belly is.

Amy Winehouse autopsy inconclusive, funeral tomorrow. Her song sales have skyrocketed. Can you just imagine the Amy memorabilia and imitators that will surface?

Right now, TG and I are catching up on our The Closer. He just claimed to have met Alan and Adam Arkin at a party in Bel Air (lie). Now he's yelling at me that I'm not paying attention to Jon Tenney, a fond love of Dish's since he was on Equal Justice. What will we do when we go to Montreal on vacation? We might have to do touristy things and grace the world with our fluent French...

The Elephant in the Room

For a few years now I've wondered when Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony would divorce, which is cruel of me. They announced their split yesterday. I remember when they got married. June 5, 2004, the day Ronald Reagan died (I think). What a sweet couple, though it seemed like a rebound marriage. She'd been engaged to Ben Affleck and Marc Anthony had only recently divorced from his wife. Jennifer is larger than life, a burst of sunshine on the screen. Every time she appeared with MA, she seemed bigger--though I have a large faction of Marc Anthony fans who felt she tainted him and his career. He's looked terrible of late, withering to nothing and hiding behind sunglasses. I won't speculate any more. I just hope the split is amicable for them both.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wife Taylor is divorcing Russell, who seemed like a total jackass. Maybe he volunteered for a shelter in his spare time. Benefit of the doubt?

In happier news, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Manillo finally got married in a private ceremony away from the hullabaloo. Yeah, I'm sure their nuptials would have been flooded with paps. Forgive the snarkiness. TG has strep throat. Today is our six-month anniversary but he is on the couch, healing. Even sick, he is a joy to be with.