One Marriage Begins and Another One Ends

Kate Winslet married Ned Rocknroll (give me a break) and Leo gave her away! Isn't that sick? No really, very sweet. This is Kate's third marriage. That happens to people sometimes. My friend *Betsy* loved getting engaged because of the ring. She wound up marrying one guy but it bombed hard. She rebounded two seconds after by marrying someone else, who might have been gay. That ended pretty quickly. Now, many years later, she's single. Oh wait. Different situation entirely. Never mind! So Kate married for the first time immediately after Titanic--I like to think because she secretly loved Leo even though he pissed in the water tank during filming. Then she married a nice, steady on-the-rise director. That fizzled and now she's married someone with a fun name and who's related to Richard Branson. Fun is fun. My best wishes for the happy couple.

If you've been keeping up with your US magazine, Bettheny and Jason are done. I'm crying angry tears that there will be no more Bethenny Ever After and her kicking Jason's ass. I watched the talk show but didn't latch on. She belongs on television, screaming at people.

Redheads Don't Have More Fun, But The Victory Is Greater When We Do Have a Little Fun!

I often get mistaken for the Flying Tomato himself, Shaun White, gingie supreme. We redheads fight the crippling stigma of being whorish, ill-tempered, Irish, weird and Satanic. So when I hear the news that Shaun White is dating DiCaprio's castaway Bar Rafaeli*, I must stand and do the slow clap. Way to go, Paula. Way to go.

Continuing in my Love to Hate James Franco series, look at what the mother-fella wrote for Huffpo.Could he name-drop more excellent movies and if he loves Sean Penn so much, why doesn't he marry him? Wasn't making out with him in Milk enough? Just kidding. The boy is immersed in books and films, has the name to get published on HuffPo and by Amazon's publishing arm, even if a mite choppy. I'm sure he could re-tile my bathroom, the learned Renaissance bastard!

Katie Couric has a new talk show and new boyfriend. SCORE! I don't care if she shrieks at her makeup people. I love this woman. I watched Bethenny's new show and wasn't thoroughly wowed. I mean, she's hilarious and overpowers mere mortals. And don't we have enough talk shows? Shouldn't say that since she *could* discover the story of Dish and TG and FLY US OUT AND HAVE US APPEAR. Bethenny's show is awesome. Love her! Really, I do.

*Though Bar should remember Dish's maxim: Never date an athlete. Never ever.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend, Y'All!

So what are you doing this long weekend? Dish and TG are off to Atlantic City to catch ZZ Top. I never thought I'd ever do such a thing: go to the Land of Trump or see those long beards (Angela's dad on Bones) filling my ears with their sassy noise. ZZ Top is highly sexual for a band's name, especially if you know French and TG thinks this choice was on purpose. I grew up seeing them as the ones whose videos took precious airtime away from this awesome showstopper. TG will be happy.

Speaking of happy, Keira Knightley got engaged to James Righton (Right on! I bet you never hear that). Lindsay Lohan found the man who's going to play Richard Burton, as if we aren't all going to be glued to the screen opening night.

The Bethenny divorce rumors are a scam, in my view. How else to build excitement for her talk show starting June 11 on Fox? I'm incensed and will not watch already DVRed.

Say a prayer for Jenna Jameson's tortured soul. She survived a porn career and, after doing the whole husband and kids thing, drunkenly drove into a pole. Someone should write a book about sabotage.

Shame and Bethenny Frankel

What a long week. I don't know about you but it seemed to drag on forever. Maybe I shouldn't have spent three hours unraveling a big knot in a skein of silk yarn (thanks, Dishcousin, for the kerchief pattern!) or tried to convince TG to watch Bridesmaids or Bridget Jones. He is obstinate in not watching but every six months, he'll give in to one piece of crap.

To commemorate the institution of marriage, I watched Bethenny Ever After. The woman scared me on The Real Housewives of New York City, like her arguments with the other women were frightening. But she's far more sedate and funny with her own show. How strange and different that women aren't fighting all the time on a reality show--which makes me wonder if Andy Cohen is actually Satan. I found myself desperately wanting to hang out with B-Frank after two episodes. I'd learn so much. And who knew Hoda was such a delight!

Then, after rampant buzz, Charlize Theron's flirtatious crack about Michael Fassbender's wang and Dishfriend's ooh-lala-ing of him, I had to watch Shame. I'm only 30 minutes through and it's quite good. Thoughtful, hard to watch (no pun intended), moving. Fans of full frontal will enjoy, but for Dish the novelty wears off when you see how "overused" the characters are. M-Fass and Carrie Mulligan are so talented. What I love most is how the flick captures the unrelenting loneliness of life in Manhattan. I highly recommend...so far, especially if you love deeply depressing movies, which I do!

You'd think celebrities would watch what they say...

...but often they just spout nonsense and cliches. Every now and then you'll get an articulate jewel like George Clooney, Meryl, Julia, and--yes, I'm biased--every member of Duran Duran (the British sound smarter). Sadly, some stars have no control. They go with the moment and forget to think. Then it's too late and every group is demanding an apology. Relevant talk show host ten years ago Carson Daly made a string of offensive gay jokes that coincided with the airplane pilot meltdown. I read what he said and cringed. He's apologized but it seems so canned. Maybe it helps ratings as Piers might do by dissing Madonna.
Martina Navratilova was voted off DWTS, which is sad because athletically she's the most qualified and she looked great all glammed up. Of course, she got the boot since she's accomplished so much but doesn't attract the drama of other contestants. I would take getting voted off as a reward.

Dishfriend and I went out to Chelsea Market to ravage Anthropologie. Alas, no dress for Dish but we had a Fat Witch Brownie (one of Oprah's favorite things though Dishbrownies are even better) and discussed the pros and cons of Bethenney Frankel. Yes, she's scary and, like Madonna, she's probably too potent to be around 24/7. I can't see anyone as a match for her. I mean this as a compliment. Maybe when she's 55, she'll meet a James Brolin. Dishfriend might have convinced me to watch her show. We both agreed Real Housewives of Orange County had only one viably interesting character, Vicki's daughter--though I tried to convince Dishfriend that Alexis might be fun without the group pressure.

There's No Room at the In-and-Out Burger

I've been hearing that Jessica Simpson can't sell the news of her impending baby or its pics. Remember when you could just announce your pregnancy without expecting money? I only care about Papa Simpson's reaction to her burgeoning womanliness. Has he noticed that her melons are ripe with milk? Or offered to help the nurse deliver the child unto grampappy's hands? What about the fact that Jessica is knocked up and not married? What would Jesus say about that?

Devastating article about Bethenny Frankel in The Post today. Granted this rag is no bastion of literary truth, but it made me even more frightened of this former Housewife, for no reason other than she screeches.

During a song about love, J. Lo broke down crying. Damn, girl, I would have to. She's been through so many phases of Amore. It must have overwhelmed her. Meanwhile, my ducts are still clogged and I haven't even gotten into my Qasimodo costume yet. Toodles.

This Really Scares Me

I'm all for Julia playing a bad guy, but this...this is bordering on Elizabeth and we can't have that. Oh, Julia. She might have a heart of gold underneath the wickedness. After all, she's just a girl, standing in front of a princess, asking her to love her wicked stepmother.

I've reached an age where I can't stand yelling. I love my Rosie O'Donnell but am reluctant to invest in her next show (was devastated twice when she left) just because of the yelling. Bethenny Frankel was enjoyable on RHoNY, the single underdog who worked hard. Then she shot to fame and is now yelling all the time, complaining about how busy she is. And now...I guess she claims she was lost at sea. This article cracked me up. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/07/bethenny-frankel-lost-at-sea-story-scam-lies_n_1000571.html?ref=mostpopular

Al Sharpton is for Occupy Wall Street, which means that TG is now on board.