I Dropped an Ativan Down My Bra During Jersey Boys

Trapped between Typhoid Ted and two nice people close to death, I knew I'd get jittery by "Opus 17." It takes lot of effort to dodge coughing fits and seek alternate routes should Grim Reaper start singing "Oh what a night..." Dish flees in a crisis. I put off medicating until right before "Too Good to Be True" when the fidgets got too Sybil, even for me. I deftly reached into my purse, brought out my First Aid Kit, and oh-so gingerly pulled out the little white speck. The minute I put it up to my mouth it dropped into the abyss. I started laughing, thinking, Thanks, Universe. Message received. So I closed my eyes and just listened, felt so much better naturally because of that fabulous song.

More drama from the Met Gala. Gwyneth Paltrow didn't like it and now we hate her even more. Imagine, a costume party that's not FUN. Can I go in her place next year? And also, now that Randy Jackson is leaving Idol at the end of the year, I'm volunteering to replace him, with all my years of experience. Oh no, wait. I can't sit with Nicki Minaj. Mariah, yes.


Allegedly, Real Housewives of NYC have threatened to walk if they don't get gigantic paychecks. I say, Andy Cohen, drop this particular cast immediately. This past season was a big fat snore. (I'll be a housewife for free--plus 100K
...)

To the Point

Not to use too many notes:

Kris Humphries is doing an elaborate tap dance with divorce proceedings. His 15 minutes are over. Just play basketball, dude. Let the Ks unveil their new performance piece with Kanye. I predict 71 days of marriage.

As I watched the latest nonsensical episode of RHofNY, I realized Sartre would have loved this freak show. First, he'd try to bang all of them. He'd steal their tranquilizers. And the petri dish housing these women is classic No Exit. Only Carole and Heather seem somewhat normal. Though I loves my LuAnn.

Political Animals. May it last forever.

TG and I were pleasantly surprised by Major Crimes. Mary McDonnell is a brilliant actress -- not the scenery chewer that is Brenda Lee but Mary captivates by stealth. We were glued to the screen and eating up her acting chops. Trying to figure out her Botox intake. Regardless, I just love her since Grand Canyon.

The Bachelorette--More Spoilers

This could be a complete ploy to f*ck with Dish's head (most things are), but Perez is reporting that there are Bachelorette spoilers beyond the spoilers. Perhaps, Dish's wish for Emily will come true.

On a more tragic, non-wedding note, Vera Wang is separating from her hubby of five kajillion years. I wish I could feel bad but she makes so much damn money. Money can keep you warm on a cold day, especially if you hire Eddie Cy-Brain's character from Living Out Loud to rub out your troubles.


Real Housewives Updates (Your Group of Girlfriends in the Technology Age):

RHoOC Reunion: Jesus Jugs. The bird flying into Andy Cohen. The monstrous blond hair that took over Tamra and Gretchen's heads. The super-trampy outfits--okay for sunny OC but total Ross Dress for Less hooker in New York. Heather is the only normal one (flawless lip gloss, BTW). I could criticize and judge the whole lot of them but, turns out, I like them all passionately. Sure, Alexis is as dumb as a box of hair, is married to Dr. Strange and won't let criticism penetrate her cotton candy brain, but I still like her. I don't know why. They all seem to be better than the men they've chosen (except for Heather--he's a rich doctor, who are we kidding).

RHoNY: The London trip makes me want to travel and poor Ramona is back giving classes at the Learning Annex. Remember those classes? Dish took one to be more social. What a bomb! They split us up into smaller groups (the way lazy speakers often do) and I was stuck making small talk with Toupee and Grandpa.

Really Real

Real Housewives of New York: Sonja is starting a catering company*. Twitchy Ramona gives her advice on business. LuAnn wants to breed with Jacques--cool, she and I can go get our decrepit haggy eggs tested. Carole is so over all of it. Aviva has phobias (identical to mine) but long flowing blonde hair and a whipped husband to make up for it. I dunno, the ladies don't quite mesh this season. It's hanging by a thread with the animosity between Lu & Ram, Ram & Hez. Bring back Jill Zarin and Alex McCord to stir up the fun!

Real Housewives of Orange County: Really, eating a bow off of someone else's cake at a party is okay? Really, Sarah? How drunk are you? I have the feeling this is the only excitement available. Team Heather.

*Please, she should start a Tarot reading service and pimp out Dish's psychic gifts.

This Really Scares Me

I'm all for Julia playing a bad guy, but this...this is bordering on Elizabeth and we can't have that. Oh, Julia. She might have a heart of gold underneath the wickedness. After all, she's just a girl, standing in front of a princess, asking her to love her wicked stepmother.

I've reached an age where I can't stand yelling. I love my Rosie O'Donnell but am reluctant to invest in her next show (was devastated twice when she left) just because of the yelling. Bethenny Frankel was enjoyable on RHoNY, the single underdog who worked hard. Then she shot to fame and is now yelling all the time, complaining about how busy she is. And now...I guess she claims she was lost at sea. This article cracked me up. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/07/bethenny-frankel-lost-at-sea-story-scam-lies_n_1000571.html?ref=mostpopular

Al Sharpton is for Occupy Wall Street, which means that TG is now on board.

Star Sighting--Daniel Day Lewis!!!

8:25 am, 18th and 7th: Don't try to go all scruffy on me, Daniel Day Lewis. We all know you have those sparkling green eyes and one of the winningest smiles. Alas, hello, good morning, Dish was crawling on the concrete, wishing for an espresso when she passed DDL who...was mumbling to himself. One never knows what's going on in the mind of DDL. All I can say is: I've abandoned my child!!!! I've abandoned my BOY!!!! Stay alive! I will find you!!! I will blow dry my hair!!!

Beautiful people events: January Jones popped out her wee bairn and named him Xander Danes Jones. That name is so cool he will be turning away suitors in droves. Hunkalicious Joe Manganiello broke off his engagement--perfect timing for DishfriendMel, who can have a True Blood sandwich with Skars and Manga, two of her dearest loves.

Watching The Kennedys and Katie Holmes is impossibly beautiful. Still feel she's too immersed in the Cruise filmy glow. Good performances. JJ is right--it picks up after a few episodes.

Alex, Kelly and Jill were fired from Real Housewives of New York City. I'm sure they don't care that much and have better things to do. This season was slow anyway.

Post-Wedding Lounging

Congratulations to Dishbrother who married his love Dishbrotherpartner! It was very moving. How else to recover from a great wedding than to watch the catty Part 2 of The Real Housewives of New York City? Even TG had a hard time breaking away. Speaking of housewives, Desperate Housewives's last season is ending a year shorter than planned. Maybe because it's been blowing lately? Maybe the fast-forward five years wasn't brilliant, though it did give Gale Harold more work.

Why I love Kathy Griffin:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZFlHALukD4 My favorite incorrigible whore.

I'm reading things about The Normal Heart, to be directed by Ryan Murphy and possibly starring Julia and Mark Ruffalo. Cut to Dish running toward Julia yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The play has had a huge resurgence but I just don't see it as a movie and after Eat Pray Love, well, I can't say it because Julia is Love itself. What about Notting Hill 2 instead?

A tidbit that seems like bs: Ryan Reynolds ended things with Charlize Theron b/c she was getting too serious. Women are such wily creatures. All we do is get too serious. One look at a man and we *have* to nail him down. After 10 years with a steady beau (whom she never married), I can't really see this as true.

So, Janet Jackson was vindicated when Nicki Minaj slipped her nip GMA. And it was a huge slip with a bulging boob popping out of her spandex. WHY DIDN'T SHE WEAR A BRA??? When you have large gozongas, you keep them from popping out.

Allegedly, Daniel Craig's ex charged a million $ on his credit card when he dismissed her for Rachel Weisz and wouldn't return her phone calls. That's hard core but I get it.

Melting in NYC

When I got home this afternoon, I felt dizzy. I checked the weather and it was 104 and humid as *%&$. Reminded me of my days in the Southwest, where it reached 107 in July and all you did was stay indoors. So that's what TG and I did. We watched 2 episodes of Real Housewives of New York City [Ramona pregnant? That much Pinot can make anyone feel pregnant]. Even TG got into the cat-fighting. His favorite housewife was "the blond with the gay Australian husband." We tried to figure out what LuAnn's song "Chic, c'est la vie" really meant since we are both fluent in French. Is there subtext? A Haunting... came next, where the actual devil, Mr. Satan, haunted a family in Connecticut. A few episodes of The Office, Scary Movie 4 and now we're at The Blues Brothers, though I never cared for John Belushi. I know, blasphemy. The Beatles aren't my favorite either. I don't really like apple pie and don't get why everyone thinks the High Line in Chelsea is so great. There, I said it.

TG made two types of pasta and I broke my sugar fast with a Reese's Peanut Butter cup. Desperate times. It was too hot to feel anything for the stars. Wanted to see Horrible Bosses but did not want to hike over to a theater.