Day 2 of the New Year

Okay, 2013, so far you're not amazing me. Just kidding! Just kidding kidding--screw you, fiscal cliff and congress. I'm not really sure what's happening nor have I watched the news in weeks. Someone said something bad happened. When it comes to $$$, my brain goes foggy. Where's my J-Crew catalog? So Chris Christie is mad and he just made a speech dissing all those bad people who squeaked through a crappy deal (though again, I'm not sure what the deal is). TG is slightly in love with CC now, though we both feel he's a little Me Me Me and a bully we never want to cross.

Some violence to start the year: Sofia Vergara's finance got into a fight during a NYE party in Miami.It's hard to imagine that a physically combative person would be good enough for our Sofia. Chris Guerra, a paparazzo, died while chasing Justin Bieber's car. Of course, there's a moral to the story, but the poor guy lost his life. His family must be devastated.


The Parents Television Council is pissed at Kathy Griffin over simulating oral sex on Anderson. Me too, I'm enraged. When I watch Kathy and Anderson on NYE, I expect wholesome fun and absolutely no dick jokes.

Dishmama is somewhere south of the border. Like way south. Hoping she sends a carrier pigeon soon to let me know all is well. I'm so stressed with worry, I'm seeing Jersey Boys tomorrow night!

Happy Baby Taffy New Year!

This is only funny if you watched Kathy and Anderson bringing in the new year on CNN last night. As usual, she was bananas, which was the best way to end this f*cker of a year Dish is swearing a lot more. Her bombastic behavior melds nicely with my WASP brother Anderson's discomfort.

In gossip news, Hugh Hefner finally settled down with that runaway bride Crystal Harris. Sixty-year age difference. Hard to know what that's about.

We had a leisurely New Year's day. Went ice skating at Chelsea Piers. Dish is a good skater but was cautious to avoid falling, concussion, blood clot, hospitalization. Because I've been sleepless for a good week, my balance is off. It doesn't take much for me to bump into things. TG was fully welcome to injure himself and did some experimenting with backward skating. I didn't fall. At one point, he glided toward me slowly, grimacing and then suddenly fell on his ass--as often happens with ice. A good day overall.

A sweet movie: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. Emily Blunt can do no wrong.

Almost forgot. Seeing Jersey Boys on Thursday. This will help me forget about Hillary's health.

NYE and Shahs of Sunset

I'm trying to go as low as I can before the year ends. Not only was I desperate enough to record The Real Housewives of Miami Reunion show (they are so vile) but I also found a special documentary on Hitler. Then...as if needed more juiciness, I'm now officially hooked on Shahs of Sunset. Just seeing Reza, the Big Gay Al of Persia, sniffing a boy's armpits in a club, well, it made me weep with revulsion understanding. Poor TG is hiding in the kitchen with the See's chocolate. But I get a credit because we watched The Watch (his choice), which is one of the worst movies I've seen ever, like if Gigli and Magic Mike had sex, this would be the product--TG giggled all the way through.

New Year's Eve is posing a problem for me. It's my favorite holiday but I don't want to go out. I have to work. Am I lame because I just want to watch Anderson and Kathy? TG is more social so we will probably go to the nearest bar. No subway or bus or taxi for me with all the crazies out on the street.

No Marathon But Daylight Savings Time--Yay!!!

I didn't realize the marathon was this weekend. Cancel it? Why? Then my brain snapped back to consciousness and tried to envision a marathon this weekend--of all weekends--and that pony didn't fly. No freaking way. Dish might have to walk to the day job since it's way downtown because no way in hell am I taking the 6. The horror!


TG and I are getting our bearings back. He made dinner and I thought about ironing his shirts until I decided to do it tomorrow. Instead, I did some thinking. Here's what I believe: that Mother Nature delivered her October Surprise. Superstorm Sandy shut everyone up and slowed the race fatigue. Now we just have to vote and get this done. But one last thing from Cher and Kathy Griffin.

And now, I must tend to a big headache.

Oh, It's On...

Dish STILL wore it first...

Where's Mariska Hargitay When I Need Her?

Spotted, Steven Tyler topless in Maui. He has a perky set of man-hooters.

After mostly taking an all-nighter due to the scary rantings of a lunatic (every one has a few of these, am I right?), I woke to the police knocking on my door. Two of New York's finest were cordial and asking if I knew about the sweet old lady next door and could I find the super to open her door for them. Dish to the rescue! They even used my facilities. Long story short, the sweet old lady had died a few days before. I'm not sure why this makes me happy. Maybe because she's in a better place, is probably happier now. She was quite ill and lived by herself. It puts the lunatics into perspective. TG is sad he missed all the fun, though I'm sure he would have gotten more involved in transporting the body and wondering about switching apartments.

When Dish hears about The Bachelor contestants threatening to rip a %*($*'s face off, the DVR must be set to record. Ben seems functional as this year's bachelor, a bit too Beta but most definitely the lovechild of Keanu and Nadal. I already know who should win (Kacie, the administrative assistant) and who's too batshit crazy (that blogger chick) to stay but will to keep the show interesting, which it's not.

Sandra Bernhard hates on Kathy Griffin which is beyond stupid. Jealous much of Kathy's success? I do enjoy them both but loathe when women bash each other like this, glorifying themselves by crucifying another which always backfires.

Happy New Year!

I'm with Kim Kardashian, who Tweeted, "i wanna be more simple in 2012." Well, mission accomplished, sweetie! It's time to break out the Derrida and get those chocolate peepers perusing challenging, like, material and, like, having an aMAAAAzing experience. It will, at the very least, prevent her from getting bangs again.

Dish merged with the couch and howled over Kathy Griffin's antics. The stripping down to a bra, well, it just makes a girl think of ways to shock the world. If Kathy can do it, why can't I? There is prison to consider.

Yet another engagement: LeBron James. What does Dish say about dating athletes? Despite this, I wish the happy couple great joy.

What really broke Katy and Russell up? Dish saw it the second they started dating. KP's at the beginningish of a great career. He's kinda doing well but has a string of bummer movies. And, well, he doesn't translate as well here. Plus, the age difference and he's done partying and she's having fun. Something's gotta give.

Pictures have surfaced of Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly canoodling in Paris. Dishfriendintheoffice must be SO pissed.

My Resolutions for the Stars

1. Kate Middleton gains weight. She's been gaunt since her engagement to Wills. Is it stress?

2. The Kardashians fade out and a new family emerges: the Franzens. Imagine if Jonathan Franzen and his family had a reality show. They'd discuss literature, agonize over words (lots of them) and wonder where to get a shitty black turtleneck so they can hide away from this feckless universe. For now, let's rant and rave about the Ks manufacturing overseas and potential use of slave labor. This flock of brunettes has become the symbol of all things bad. Greed, vanity, recklessness and possessing stultifying speech patterns.

3. Kris Humphries thrives as a NJ Net. Not sure I see him as a victim but the best revenge is living well.

4. Julia Roberts makes a romantic comedy with ... I can't believe I'm saying this ... Tom Cruise. The most expensive movie in history but it needs to happen. He would wear major pumps to meet her chin. Okay, too much. Maybe I'd go for Hugh Jackman if he weren't so ... maybe Liev Schreiber. Okay, no one. No one matches Julia.

Dish reached rock bottom of the holiday blues, arranged herself artfully on the muddy earth, and looked up through tears to see a light in the distance. Maybe it's the "grow light" for TG's terrarium and I'm soaking up the photosynthesis. I'll take it and my Vitamin D. Just enough time to enjoy the holidays now. Oh wait ... they haven't even started.

Today's topic: Is Daniel Craig worn out looking, as Dishbrother maintains? He does have the appearance of being run over by a truck and was too skinny in Cowboys and Aliens. Looking forward to James Bond. Watching moviestars run makes me happy.

Demi & Ashton: Silence is Deadly!

You gotta wonder--no one is denying the breakup, which makes me think: 1. They might really be breaking up. 2. Someone has crabs. 3. We've been punked. 4. They are building hype for world domination. That would be so Ashton/Demi. In all of this, I envision many, many hot Twitter pics of Demi in a bikini.

So where were you when Ashton and Demi began their courtship? It must have been 2003. 9/11 still fresh, which means Dish wasn't sleeping much, along with most of NYC. I was single, long hair, getting ready for a trip to New Mexico. Dating a little but not into it, going to a Hell's Kitchen bar every Friday to ogle a bartender who had no interest in me. Not so bad really. When Ashton and Demi started dating, I felt hope that I could be a hot cougar someday. I didn't have to automatically date mildly-depressed paunchy men twenty years older than me (because that was all that responded to my online ads the second I hit 35). I couldn't envision then that I'd ever meet my own hunkalicious Prince Charming...

...or that we'd appear on Anderson Cooper's new talk show (and I do mention "Duran Duran" in the interview). Details to come. Dishmama will kill me for spilling but it's a slow news day and I'm immersed in drudgery not of a personal nature. This picture is worth the jinx. Move over, Kathy Griffin. Dish is Anderson's new BFF.

Deep Thoughts on the Emmys

Why are award shows so lame? The writers just aren't funny, the stars are acting same-old and the speeches are repetitive. How many times can you hear, "I didn't prepare anything to say. I didn't think I would win." Dish likes scandal and crazy at her awards-- like Meryl Streep saying she needs to do yoga or Jack Nicholson's talking through his butt or, yes, Ricky Gervais who makes the stars/audience tense. I love Jane Lynch. I thought she did a good job as hostess--especially the "why I'm a lesbian" and introducing the cast of Entourage, but the show dragged. Cut Emmytones, SNL dance/song number--make it a 2-hour show.

Highlights: Charlie Sheen was gracious indeed. Some lovely dresses, though Christina Hendricks's boobies are two giant air bags squashed into a dress. I couldn't look at anything else. Rainn Wilson tweeted his rage that Steve Carrell didn't get an Emmy and I'm right with him there. Kathy Griffin--looking great in red--kissed Ryan Seacrest, an abomination.

Dish was on vacation today and, aside from speculating about Jennifer Aniston being preggo or not (wearing big coat does NOT help!), watched Limitless. I still believe--for no reason--that Bradley Cooper tortures small animals (his French is better than mine so must hate him!) but keep giving him a chance. He is competent in this sh*t-fest that is an obvious reference to our current drug culture. It might have been more interesting if Billy Crudup had been cast. Robert De Niro does his usual mentoring and you have to wonder why he's in so many crappy movies. The biggest philosophical question Dish must raise: If we can take a pill to realize our fullest potential, doesn't that mean no contact with others? When you bring the hell that is other people into the mix, that renders us vulnerable and imperfect. OMG, whole point of movie. Brilliance.

That took so much effort. Time for Dancing with the Stars!!!

Blessings on Dolores Hope who passed away at 102.

Rock You Like a Hurricane

This is probably the weirdest thing I've witnessed in a star, and don't you get the feeling that Jim Carrey is doing something else while he's recording this? http://www.jimcarreytrulife.com/video-post/jim-carreys-message-to-emma-stone. I do like Kathy Griffin's answering creepy video: http://www.gossipcop.com/kathy-griffin-video-justin-bieber-love-message-youtube/.

The greatest victory is that reality stars won't get stars on the Walk of Fame. Because they're not doing anything that requires TALENT.

Meanwhile Dish is very tired of the fear-inducing media on Irene. We won't be returning to NYC until Monday though Dish doesn't want to get penalized in other areas so we might drive back early. I hope our cat survives!!! And to all of you affected, my warmest wishes for your safety. Who needs the stars when you have potential catastrophe? Dish is hoping the hurricane is as impactful as Y2K.

Post-Wedding Lounging

Congratulations to Dishbrother who married his love Dishbrotherpartner! It was very moving. How else to recover from a great wedding than to watch the catty Part 2 of The Real Housewives of New York City? Even TG had a hard time breaking away. Speaking of housewives, Desperate Housewives's last season is ending a year shorter than planned. Maybe because it's been blowing lately? Maybe the fast-forward five years wasn't brilliant, though it did give Gale Harold more work.

Why I love Kathy Griffin:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZFlHALukD4 My favorite incorrigible whore.

I'm reading things about The Normal Heart, to be directed by Ryan Murphy and possibly starring Julia and Mark Ruffalo. Cut to Dish running toward Julia yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The play has had a huge resurgence but I just don't see it as a movie and after Eat Pray Love, well, I can't say it because Julia is Love itself. What about Notting Hill 2 instead?

A tidbit that seems like bs: Ryan Reynolds ended things with Charlize Theron b/c she was getting too serious. Women are such wily creatures. All we do is get too serious. One look at a man and we *have* to nail him down. After 10 years with a steady beau (whom she never married), I can't really see this as true.

So, Janet Jackson was vindicated when Nicki Minaj slipped her nip GMA. And it was a huge slip with a bulging boob popping out of her spandex. WHY DIDN'T SHE WEAR A BRA??? When you have large gozongas, you keep them from popping out.

Allegedly, Daniel Craig's ex charged a million $ on his credit card when he dismissed her for Rachel Weisz and wouldn't return her phone calls. That's hard core but I get it.

Alexander McQueen at The Met

So worth the wait in line. Though if you're Dish-like, you *hate* crowds. Only McQueen's recognizable brilliance made me withstand the stop-start of shuffling gawkers like myself. I'll be dreaming about the red dresses, straight shoulders and S&M touches. Just get a membership to The Metropolitan Museum of Art and you can skip those lines. Yipee!

In high school, Katherine Heigl was the girl who found me useless. She was popular but had vicious habits behind closed doors (in-your-face flatulence, bulimia). Josh Duhamel was the hunk who paid no attention to me and was kind of a dick. He'd talk to me but have an eye for whoever was behind me. It was with some trepidation that I plopped in Life As We Know It. Verdict: Kind of cute, but Dish had a hard time getting past these two. They could be terrific in real life--except for the bad theater manners and nastiness to flight attendants. The material is average, perfect if you don't want a challenge.

According to Fitperez.com, Kathy Griffin maintains that diet and exercise are responsible for her skinniness at 50. She says she replaced unhealthy snacks with "fruits and veggies." On Broadway this spring, she was super-twiggy, a little strung-out looking. I'm sure this assessment would make her day. I love her!

Happy Easter!

It's not often I receive angry comments but I did yesterday when I posted an Anderson Cooper sighting. The comment was disparaging me for posting private information, that he was on a street (with many witnesses), that celebrities deserve their privacy. I agree with this--to some extent. It's a public life and crazy people are everywhere. (The crazies even hurt anonymous people like Dish) By posting anything about AC, I don't mean to cause harm but to show excitement over seeing someone famous.

I never approach celebrities, tell them I love their work because I do respect privacy. I don't follow them or discuss on end what they are doing, though I do linger a bit too long on Duran Duran's Twitter and FB pages. It horrifies me that strangers approach them at all for autographs or to be disrespectful. Why break the 4th wall? They could ruin my fantasies with their potentially sh*tty personalities.

I apologize to Anderson Cooper for posting his vague whereabouts and who might have been around him. I try to keep this blog somewhat respectful and "nice." I like to give attention to people who deserve it and impart information that is already everywhere. It should be obvious I love most of the people I write about (maybe not Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen, though most of this is disappointment over loss of talent), and I don't mean to feed stalkers.

So...why don't I just write glowing praise about fictitious people instead? No more celebrities. They get enough media attention and who needs them if they're not directly contributing to my income?

No more Anderson, Duran Duran, Julia, Kathy Griffin. Good thing I didn't post what J.J. said about Jessica Seinfeld. So, in this new direction, we'll start with Zelda, a magical three-legged dog, who wore special clown pants on her way to Easter services. Turned out she was Jesus reborn and could turn her whizz into Limoncello.

Salieri Would Be So Proud of Charlie Sheen!

Picture it: I can't get enough of Kathy Griffin so turned on to watch 50 and Not Pregnant. Within a couple minutes, TG flipped it off. You either love her or she grates on you. I love her. She works her ass off and is a role model for tirelessness (I know what you think, JJ).

Let the hyperventilating continue: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7Er5TsQrGg. DD gives good video. Duran Duran's rerelease of "All You Need Is Now" is days away.

Dish off to see The Lincoln Lawyer. Will not be able to stop thinking about Matthew McConaughey's armpits as he professes not to use deodorant. I hear that he's good in this and thank goodness! Have not LOVED him since A Time to Kill and Contact. Armpits.

Lost in Virginia Woolf's diary. Might subject TG to The Hours, if only to see the excellent chemistry between Nicole and whosiwhatsit who played Leonard. Bad prosthetic nose.

Charlie Sheen's show 75 minutes long? Okay, that's doable. Dish could easily teach her former high school French IV classes in that time. I'll send Sheen some lesson plans. Can't you tell he's trying to get away with the bare minimum? Mediocrity LIVES!

Honeymoon Day#2

Mohonk is bliss. Except for the construction work and the trails are closed (secret yipee since Dish hates walking uphill). We had a breakfast buffet, played pool and had cordials. During the pool, I tried to channel Tom Cruise in The Color of Money. I gloated, tried to ruin TG's concentration, took tricky shots, pranced, I lost both games. We went to the barn museum and looked at old carriage (made Dish think of Little House, coincidentally brought disk 4 of Season 1 with me just in case bored of nature). TG says he's going swimming but remains fixated on his new BFF, iPad. Dish isn't pretending she's going to do anything productive.

Celebrities: Drew Barrymore is directing How to Be Single, based on Liz Tuccillo's book. I'm sure it'll be cute and TG can't wait for it to come out. Reese Witherspoon might be getting married in a week. I'd rather see her in a great movie. And Jonathan Rhys Meyers might have roughed up a female airport worker last year and there are charges--or something. He does have that intense Do As I Say look about him. Loved him in Match Point. Where he kills someone.

Yes, I watched last night's Glee (and every one before it) to see Kathy Griffin. She was fabulous, but her role was too small. Still wondering if Brad and Emily are still together after The Bachelor.

Kathy Griffin Is a Broadway Star!!!

Picture it: Tiffany comes out to pour Kath's water--booming applause. Video clips begin, crowd goes ape as always (Cheyenne Jackson sitting two rows behind us!!!). Kathy then comes strutting out, wearing spandex pants and a black "Kath-eter" t-shirt. We were eight rows in--really close. I could see wrinkles (not age wrinkles, but denoting different planes on her face--no need for a lift!) and genuine Kathy molecules. Dish had only a few panic attacks at the celebrity proximity. Because KG's never done Broadway before, she called her fairy godmother out to give her some tips. Dish and Dishbrother nearly wet themselves when Dishmama's HEROINE OF ALL TIME Suzy Ormond (looking amazing) came out and told her to be herself. And that's what Kathy did for the next two hours. Truly, a riot and works hard for a buck. Will say, since Kathy would love it, she's REALLY skinny, like lollipop skinny in real life.

So, holy crap about Japan. Don't you feel the world is coming to an end? Plus, Great White sharks are fading out, though I have heard this for decades. Another extinction is the Justin Timberlake/Jessica Biel relationship, though they never struck me as a hot item. Jessica needs to stop doing makeup commercials and get back into movies fast. Dumped by A-list and you never recover.

As I was saying, the great balm to the world's tragedies was Kathy Griffin. She didn't go into Charlie Sheen too much, which was kind as well as depriving us gossip-hogs dirt. Plenty of other dissing. Now I'm going to follow Kristin Chenoweth who allegedly Tweets on Ambien. Thanks, Kath!

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Megan Fox stars as the brilliant protegee along with two OMPs, Mickey Rourke and Bill Murray. Passion Play comes out straight to DVD in May and I *have* to see how bad it is. Who will be her daddy or will it be a Groundhog Day/Angelheart gray turkey gizzard sex sandwich? MUST SEE.

In today's uninteresting trainwreck, Ashlee Simpson has moved on to another man. And put on your lipstick, ladies. Tony Danza has filed for divorce. Aw, that's sad. Who's the Boss was awesome!

Dish goes to see Kathy Griffin tomorrow night on Broadway. JJ can close his eyes. It was rumored that she was dating the Old Spice Guy, Mustafa. If you've read her book, you know she's probably not with someone as A-list as Mustafa. She's probably banging Mustafa's driver in some alley during intermission. Love Kathy!

A Duran Duran Nightmare

I've seen Duran Duran in concert at least 7 times, each time more spectacular than the last. You may not like DD, but I dare you not to love their live shows. Sadly, I experienced a bad show last night in my dreams. Picture it: outdoors, warm weather, a private party so intimate one could be 5 feet from Simon, Nick, Roger, John, and unnamed guitarist who isn't officially part of the band. Finally, a moment 28 years in the making. Headline: Dish meets Duran Duran. I waited an hour, then another. Finally, Simon emerged with mysterious musicians--and he was a spiky-haired little bitch! Not only that but he lip-synched. I was so distraught, I covered my ears and ran out. What does this mean? Are the gods angry that I'm walking down the aisle to "Rio?"

Let's forget this bad dream, children. Onto better topics: I got a request not to blog about a red-haired comic who turns 50 today. And no, it's not me. She's the one who got the public pap smear (how's that for an image, JJ?) Even juicier than a birthday, David Cassidy was arrested for alleged DUI. According to TMZ, he failed two breathalizers but claims they are wrong and is fighting the charge. The mug shot is one of the best I've ever seen. I think I love you!

Hello, Kathy!

I've finally got around to reading fellow Gingy Kathy Griffin's Official Book Club Selection and it's FANTASTIC! It's not as dishy as you might think but just enough. You learn Steve Martin is a dick, so is Leif Garrett and Andre Agassi. Al Sharpton is amazing and so are Jeanine Garofalo, Margaret Cho and Brooke Shields (though you kinda already knew this). At the same time, the story is heartfelt. You see her as a vulnerable, interesting person and not just a joke machine with the voice.

In movie viewing, Dish had the misfortune of watching Who Is Clark Rockefeller? starring Eric McCormick and The Chickipoo from ER with the monotone voice. Talk about a suck-fest! I enjoy Eric on Will & Grace and I even believed he was a tormented bachelor in that Lifetime movie with Roma Downey. But he was truly unbelievable in this, very much an acty caricature. Not even worth a rent. But you know, every actor does stinky projects. Even Michael Caine.

For tomorrow, I have The Ghostwriter. Must forgive Pierce Brosnan for his crappy singing in Mamma Mia, especially since he was great in The Thomas Crown Affair.