Run, Don't Walk to See "Betrayal" on Broadway

I lost my mind on my Dish-writing hiatus this past spring: I stopped caring about tabloid stories. Imagine my chagrin. Am I depressed? Who am I but a lover of star trash? As it turns out, by investing in a worthwhile cause, I extracted myself from worthless causes, i.e. the Lindsays, the Parises, the Britneys and the Kardashians as portrayed by the media. My time on TMZ greatly diminished, I felt/feel a little empty. How else to fill this space?

To begin, I've started reading again--like, good books, studying sales numbers from week to week. I'm not sure why. Then I watch writers talk about their writing and they've become my new tabloid (they're not as pretty but they at least can form sentences). Talking to people more helps ease my star-gazing withdrawal. It's been a 45-year addiction so I still have to look if the Jenners split up or Charlie pulls out of Fifty Shades (proof that film already in trouble).

A couple months ago, I bought a ticket to see Betrayal purely because am obsessed with the Daniel Craig/Rachel Weisz marriage, like do they emit hot chemisty sparks between them on stage? I almost blew it off because, as I say above, I stopped caring about the stars. A friend urged me to reconsider, that I'd miss something great (i.e. the play itself and Daniel Craig on stage). Dishreaders, I am so glad I pulled myself together this past Friday. One should never miss this play or James Bond doing theater. What a pleasure--the cast, a Pinter play. My faith in some celebrities, literature, and pop culture has been renewed.

TG and I are going to see the hot Cherry Jones and Spock in The Glass Menagerie. Dish is a Tennessee Williams virgin and preparing to be thoroughly mind-f*cked.

So Not into the Golden Globes, Not Sure Why!

I'm watching them anyway... Resentful of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for cruelly stealing Ricky Gervais's spot. Resentful of friends who thought Ricky was over the top. Fighting the tide of change. Missing TG who's visiting family. He loves award shows for some reason, gets perked up by "the biz" in its glory.

Observations so far:

Daniel Day: Awesome for doing the ET thing. I thought he'd be a douche and pretend it was beneath him. Caught a glimpse of my sort-of neighbor Sally!!!
Jennifer Lopez is naked.
Sofia, as always, was robbed.
Why is Julianne Moore becoming more and more awesome as the years go by? Love hair and dress.
Rooted hard for Damien, glad he won for Homeland.
What's happened to Salma Hayek's career?
Daniel Craig needs to powder his face. Adore seeing him with his wife, Rachel (we're on a first-name basis since The Constant Gardener in which she's brilliant)--a golden couple
Adele is awesome. Have to check--Duran Duran never won a GG for View to a Kill, touted as best Bond song ever (at least in my imagination)
Oh, Anjelica Huston...

That is all for now.

Dish Thoughts During Skyfall:

The Adele song sounds boring out of context but is perfect for this movie.

Daniel Craig keeps running fast to save the day--I need to step up my game and stop jogging like I'm 100.

Bond spends entire night boozing it up--Oh god, I feel so much better. I do the same only it's my brain that keeps me intoxicated, not scotch. 85% of the time, I feel crappy in the morning from my shenanigans.

Perfect casting for Ralph Fiennes and Javier Bardem. Javier has a knack for spewing weirdness in one movie, then dashing romance in another. How does he do that? Must investigate the chameleon within Dish.

After Bond's physical, the doc says he has addictions, alcohol and pills--I feel so much better about my own medicating.

Warning: Just as greeting cards mostly mock your age, there are tons of age jokes about Bond. His skin is indeed leathery. This helps me deal with my own wrinkleswho am I kidding, I want to get Botox.

During one of the many times Bond takes off his shirt, I think: If he can be that built at 44, I can do the same. I can barely open a jar of mayonnaise. Note to self: stop eating mayonnaise. Bond probably doesn't. Will strengthen the bod so that I can be ready for my spy job as head of the CIA.

Bond takes an elevator ride by jumping and holding on to the bottom of the car--F*ck, I could never do that but now I'll stop whining about being afraid of heights. Why do spies always dangle in mid-air???

He and M drive all night to desolate area in Scotland--Where did they piss?

The movie is: too long, still satisfying because of the trifecta of DC/Dame Judi/Bardem. Tenderhearts: there is some heartbreak but go see it anyway. And now I'm going to look for a Bond bloopers. I would like, for once, to see them giggling over the cheesiness of this franchise.

TG and I Are Obsessed with Candice Delong

Every time she's on TV, this former FBI profiler has a new hairdo and fabulous insight into the minds of killers. And check out those probing blue eyes. They pull you in and say, "I am not making you pancakes for breakfast, Jackson." I don't know where that came from This foxy g-lady is direct, no-nonsense and full of truth. She's blond. Brunette. Hair short. Hair long. Bangs. She is the scary woman who goes into the bathroom to cut her hair so that she'll go undetected...or noticed right away. What's more, she is poised for TV. She hostesses Deadly Women and a number of other killer babe shows that TG and I adore. 


Ever since...well, a month ago, I can't seem to stop staring at the walls. I figure after Sandy, NancyNoreaster, my unusual workload and this very long election, I'm allowed to be out of my mind for a while. I'm sticking to those simple pleasures: talking to Dishbrother and father-in-law on the phone, ironing TG's shirts, picking out clothes for the next day, making the bed. Maybe Skyfall will resurrect me this weekend. Sure, Daniel Craig is my fave Bond, but it's not a love thing (maybe a little--I've adored him since Layer Cake). If you know the true Dish Psyche, the one that melts over all Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Seagal, Van Dammness, you understand it's the testosterone-action-exploding-car-awesome-reflexes I can't live without. Plus, Judi Dench could put me on a leash and I would bark and fetch for her till the cows come home.

Today's confession: I watched last night's Couples Therapy and cried my eyes out. Alex's "confrontation" with her sweet mother was so real! Damn you, Dr. Jen. We're all just trying to get through this crazy life... and on TV is always better.

We Were on The Today Show...

...for a split second yesterday. Our appearance is so minimal that I haven't even watched. You know I can't get enough of seeing myself on TV. Well, I'm also a mite angry at Matt for his extreme douchiness so avoid The Today Show. The segment was on Facebook, which is responsible for my marriage (Skype and our high school helped). By the way, Robin Roberts is doing well after bone marrow transplant. Go GMA Team!

Lots of sensational news. By sensational, I mean over the top. Ben and Courtney from The Bachelor broke up! He's semi-hideous and she is crazy.* How long could it last? I'm only await the announcement that Jef and Emily are also splitsville. Let's not pretend that these reality shows create real couples. It is simply a way for one person to have sex/get drunk/make out with as many people as possible.

If things couldn't get more sick, the rumor mill alleges Chris Brown and Rihanna are "friends" again, which is code for banging. I don't see how this could end in a good way. Maybe when we stop caring about them, they'll go on Couples Therapy, which is a super-lame, trainwreck of a show, not at all devoted to therapy but peacocking for the cameras and starting fights. I COULD DO THAT! Hello, TG and I are masters of antics. I even have a purple wig.

Adele's song for the new James Bond Skyfall is out. I sort of like it. Very classic and Bondesque, like older Bond songs. Of course my fave is Duran Duran's View to a Kill, The Living Daylights by A-Ha, then Another Way to Die with Gods Jack White and Alicia Keys.

Speaking of Bond, my favorite JB of all time will be hosting SNL this weekend. I hope he's hilarious.

*just as they appear on the show, which I'm sure is not real life.

The Elephant in the Room

Can we admit the obvious? Paul Ryan is handsome as sin and this is problematic for Democrats. Ryan may heart Ayn Rand and support radical reform that will cut many of us off at our knees, but Romney made the perfect choice. Romney by himself is so incredibly boring. Ryan is not boring. He may be a little too polarizing, though Dish feels he will begin an age of young hotties in the Republican party -- which the GOP desperately needs. A couple years ago, I saw him speak and thought, oh f*ck, he's going to be President someday. Mark my scary words, Dishreaders. I was a little surprised he was Mitt's choice, only because PR would gun for the presidency. The VP is erectile dysfunction itself. This campaign just got interesting...unfortunately. (Go Hillary!)

TG and I enjoyed The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo starring our friend Daniel Craig and the interesting Rooney Mara. Or Mara Rooney. It was a mite slow but my strep throat found it leisurely in the best possible way.

WTF, Fareed Zakaria, lifting a paragraph? If this ruins his career, then surely, television can stop enlisting Doris Kearns Goodwin as a beloved commentator on the presidents. Vomitte.

Fifty Shades of L.A. Dish

Fess Up, Your Majesty! You're Totally in Love with James Bond!!!

There was an urgency in Dishmama's voice when she called me. The woman's been scouring online rags, no doubt dying of boredom in her sickbed (she's recovering, FYI). Go to Paris Match's website STAT, she ordered. See? It's James Bond and the Queen. Do you think she dyed her hair to meet him? It looks so silvery. Doesn't she look happy? He's the best James Bond ever, I said knowing it was blasphemy but still how I feel. Interesting, she responded noncommittally, shutting down the notion of Dishmama and Dish having a girls' night watching Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. Bottom line, she said: Bond might be opening the Olympic games this summer. Methinks Dishmama Queen Elizabeth has un petit crush on Monsieur Craig!

Good news all around today for the OMPs: Bruce Willis's wife gave birth to his fourth girl. Congratulations on a super-estrogen family! Our favorite comedic actor with anger management issues just got engaged! Think back to last summer when Alec Guinness Baldwin was Twitter-flirting with his then cutie-patootie yoga instructor. Now she's got a rock. Who says helping a celeb exercise doesn't pay off?

The Killing: Nice twists, still too slow. Linden is such a bad mother.

My Resolutions for the Stars

1. Kate Middleton gains weight. She's been gaunt since her engagement to Wills. Is it stress?

2. The Kardashians fade out and a new family emerges: the Franzens. Imagine if Jonathan Franzen and his family had a reality show. They'd discuss literature, agonize over words (lots of them) and wonder where to get a shitty black turtleneck so they can hide away from this feckless universe. For now, let's rant and rave about the Ks manufacturing overseas and potential use of slave labor. This flock of brunettes has become the symbol of all things bad. Greed, vanity, recklessness and possessing stultifying speech patterns.

3. Kris Humphries thrives as a NJ Net. Not sure I see him as a victim but the best revenge is living well.

4. Julia Roberts makes a romantic comedy with ... I can't believe I'm saying this ... Tom Cruise. The most expensive movie in history but it needs to happen. He would wear major pumps to meet her chin. Okay, too much. Maybe I'd go for Hugh Jackman if he weren't so ... maybe Liev Schreiber. Okay, no one. No one matches Julia.

Dish reached rock bottom of the holiday blues, arranged herself artfully on the muddy earth, and looked up through tears to see a light in the distance. Maybe it's the "grow light" for TG's terrarium and I'm soaking up the photosynthesis. I'll take it and my Vitamin D. Just enough time to enjoy the holidays now. Oh wait ... they haven't even started.

Today's topic: Is Daniel Craig worn out looking, as Dishbrother maintains? He does have the appearance of being run over by a truck and was too skinny in Cowboys and Aliens. Looking forward to James Bond. Watching moviestars run makes me happy.

Phase 1: Steal Underpants

If anyone knows where this headline comes from (and you're not TG), you win an autographed dish from Dish!

Daniel Craig allegedly called the Kardashians "f*cking idiots" in January's issue of GQ. This James Bond rules. Waiting patiently for him to send Rachel 'round for tea and girl-talk on newlywed bliss, my treat. Ever since The Constant Gardener, I've imagined we're best friends.

Marie Osmond has had some scary facial work done. I love my Marie. She's a faintin' Jenny Craigin' re-marryin'-first-husband Mormon masterpiece goddess. She had me at "Which Way You Goin', Billy" way back in the 70s. I even had the doll with the leafy purple dress. But I hate it when my icons' faces are smoother than mine.

Quickies that are so disturbing I can't delve too deep: Conrad Murray sentenced to four years which is not a lot, the Norway massacre-er deemed insane like what was your first clue, Alexis from RHoOC got a nose job and looks just like everyone else thank jebus, Britney Spears is reading a book and it's a funny thing that deals with things about love, Herman Cain rethinking his campaign after another woman comes forward about wayward wang tendencies--which makes the Republicans an even more fun bunch, Miranda Kerr on Dish-Sh*t-List for ALSO claiming she was ugly growing up. Boo!

RIP, Patrice O'Neal, leaving this earth too soon at 41.

Cowboys & Indians & Aliens

The Native Americans always get the shaft even though they played an integral part in Cowboys & Aliens, Dish's mild disappointment of the summer. It was a little slow and in love with itself. The clichés were beyond predictable (boy, dead chick, dog, knife, who's an alien, key deaths), though I realize cowboys and alien movies are all about the clichés, plot contrivances and sllllooooowwww pacing. So how did I amuse myself? By wondering about Daniel Craig's diet: turkey, egg whites, water, lettuce, cigarettes. In this movie, he is pure hat-wearing lollipop--big head, little body. I wanted to give him a sandwich while also vowing to go on the same diet immediately. How Dish would love to have twig legs and no ass in chaps just for one day. Olivia Wilde, also a skinny bitch who eats nothing, is luminous on screen with those wide set eyes, flowing hair and Terminator-fashioned square jaw. Harrison Ford kvetched and scowled throughout, getting in one half smile toward the end. The most entertaining parts were whenever Daniel Craig landed a punch. He is a master of action.

What's new this Sunday? By now you must have heard how Charlie Sheen dies on Two and a Half Men. If Pam Ewing could dream an entire season of Dallas, they could always bring him back. Some telling photos of Jessica Simpson's alleged baby bump. She does look preggo though this is just another pebble in the Land of Who Cares. Forgive Dish's negativity--sinus issues.

Post-Wedding Lounging

Congratulations to Dishbrother who married his love Dishbrotherpartner! It was very moving. How else to recover from a great wedding than to watch the catty Part 2 of The Real Housewives of New York City? Even TG had a hard time breaking away. Speaking of housewives, Desperate Housewives's last season is ending a year shorter than planned. Maybe because it's been blowing lately? Maybe the fast-forward five years wasn't brilliant, though it did give Gale Harold more work.

Why I love Kathy Griffin:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZFlHALukD4 My favorite incorrigible whore.

I'm reading things about The Normal Heart, to be directed by Ryan Murphy and possibly starring Julia and Mark Ruffalo. Cut to Dish running toward Julia yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The play has had a huge resurgence but I just don't see it as a movie and after Eat Pray Love, well, I can't say it because Julia is Love itself. What about Notting Hill 2 instead?

A tidbit that seems like bs: Ryan Reynolds ended things with Charlize Theron b/c she was getting too serious. Women are such wily creatures. All we do is get too serious. One look at a man and we *have* to nail him down. After 10 years with a steady beau (whom she never married), I can't really see this as true.

So, Janet Jackson was vindicated when Nicki Minaj slipped her nip GMA. And it was a huge slip with a bulging boob popping out of her spandex. WHY DIDN'T SHE WEAR A BRA??? When you have large gozongas, you keep them from popping out.

Allegedly, Daniel Craig's ex charged a million $ on his credit card when he dismissed her for Rachel Weisz and wouldn't return her phone calls. That's hard core but I get it.

Butt...Butt...

Cowboys and Aliens has been getting decent reviews. I would love to see it except cowboys and aliens don't do it for me. Not even for the nostalgic appeal of Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig, locking horns, sweating and acting all pissy...on horses.

So, maybe I spoke too soon. It seems the whole engagement proposal between Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed happened months ago and ever since their relationship has hit the skids. C'mon, kids, 28 years is a long time. Though, I'm not sure I could take GS in large doses either...

Because I can't help myself, I watched the premiere for the second season of The A List: New York. Same group of unpleasant characters (though Mike seems nice and educated). The rest just hiss and scratch like well-groomed, faux-hawk kitties. I was hoping for a new cast. Oh wait, they've added an angry rich hag, who is even more asinine than the boys. Will I watch the next episode, dear god, I just might.

Meatloaf passed out during a concert. NJ Governor Christie felt woozy on his way to sign a bill. To keep rocking and ruining NJ respectively, both might consider hitting a treadmill, STAT.

Pickin' and Passin'

Dishbrother, wish granted. New dirt on Britney Spears, and I mean, dirt. It may not be true, probably isn't, but here goes! Her former bodyguard Fernando Flores is suing her, I guess, for like sexual harassment (did not read article thoroughly b/c attention span at 0). He says her personal hygiene is not so great. She picks her nose and passes gas (which a real person would never do). Despite all the advances she made, he wouldn't succumb cause she stank. I'm sorry, Dish finds this hard to believe. Britney must smell like orchids and bubble gum. And if you love the stars, you put on that gas mask, look the other way and please the Queen Bee. Oh well, I wasn't there.

Other than TG cooking a great dinner, my big excitement today was seeing the trailer for Dream Home, starring newly married in real life, Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIeMYPfnST0. First priority: see if they have on-screen chemistry. I couldn't see it. Maybe they were being cautious. My second observation: I do not like Daniel when his hair gets too long. Third: This flick looks scary as sh*t which means I have to see it!

Kim Kardashian has psoriasis.