2 Tired Women, 2 Angry Men

These women are so tired. I'm so tired. This week, Sarah Linden and Emily Thorne are my role models. On The Killing, Sarah walks around sleep deprived yet determined to solve a case. How she drives around endlessly, chasing leads, I don't know. On Revenge, Emily hides a whopper of a secret and must carry through a genius plan of revenge against the Graysons. Does she sleep? No, because she has to stay one step ahead and she still looks awesome and can beat the crap out of anyone. Dish is horribly sleep deprived now for almost a week. Insomnia makes me dizzy, angry, weepy, spacey, anxious and depressed. I tend to become this on the couch until Sweet Morpheus finds me again. The only good thing about sleeplessness is that I stop eating, ergo can go back to my runway days. TG has fled until sweet Dish returns.

I learned so much today by listening to the latest Mel Gibson rant, released by Joe Eszterhas. You cackle but Gibson should teach classes on unleashing one's demon. Can you imagine, rows of gym bunnies, music pumping all screaming: you f***cking *($)#( c**ks**ckkking [insert ethnic slur] sl**ttttbagwhoooooorrreeeee. Oh, sugar t*ts, you really went off the rails when you did What Women Want. I keep wondering why any woman would want Mel these days. Maybe it's the promise of a sweeter side, the genius that peeks out now and then. Now if only Mel and Alec Baldwin would mud wrestle and scream at each other, it would make my year. At least someone needs to put their rants to club music.

Sadness: Greg Ham from Men At Work was found dead in Melbourne. I'm bathing in tears over insomnia the genius of this song.

Gladness: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer pregnated!!! Awwwww, Sookay.

Don't Ever Doubt Me Again

The Shows (mild spoiler alerts):

Nurse Jackie: My politically correct self is happy she's in rehab. Devilish Dish wants her to keep taking pills because she's so good at it. Those furtive snorts are genius.

The Killing: The most exciting thing was the nurse putting in Billy Campbell's catheter (you know where).

The Big C: Kinda lame after the AMAZING finale from last season. She gets drunk.

Mad Men: Joan is *back*. Would love her to do a book on how to be a productive vixen.

Lamar Odom leaves the Mavericks, which means he and Khloe are destitute. You gotta wonder if Kardashianism has become cursed, or at least for the boys. One could discuss how emasculating female archetypes (yes, I'm talking to you, Helen and Clytemnestra) are thriving. I like strong women. Just wish these K. powerhouses were more articulate and cracked books. Celebrity Book Club with Dish? I'm about to read House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Squeee!

Today I had to watch Anderson to see my second favorite hypnotist (first is Dishfriendsincediapers) Dr. Paul McKenna put guests into trances and AC's scornful reaction. I will attest to McKenna's awesomeness. He puts me to sleep every night. If you're an insomniac, BUY HIS BOOK, then download accompanying CD onto your iPod.

Fess Up, Your Majesty! You're Totally in Love with James Bond!!!

There was an urgency in Dishmama's voice when she called me. The woman's been scouring online rags, no doubt dying of boredom in her sickbed (she's recovering, FYI). Go to Paris Match's website STAT, she ordered. See? It's James Bond and the Queen. Do you think she dyed her hair to meet him? It looks so silvery. Doesn't she look happy? He's the best James Bond ever, I said knowing it was blasphemy but still how I feel. Interesting, she responded noncommittally, shutting down the notion of Dishmama and Dish having a girls' night watching Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. Bottom line, she said: Bond might be opening the Olympic games this summer. Methinks Dishmama Queen Elizabeth has un petit crush on Monsieur Craig!

Good news all around today for the OMPs: Bruce Willis's wife gave birth to his fourth girl. Congratulations on a super-estrogen family! Our favorite comedic actor with anger management issues just got engaged! Think back to last summer when Alec Guinness Baldwin was Twitter-flirting with his then cutie-patootie yoga instructor. Now she's got a rock. Who says helping a celeb exercise doesn't pay off?

The Killing: Nice twists, still too slow. Linden is such a bad mother.

The Killing is Back!!!

Tonight, The Killing returns. I've waited for this all year, way more than Mad Men, which sent me to Lily White's Party*. My favorite red-haired detective, played by Mireille Enos, is an inspiration. She runs like a gazelle, doesn't eat or sleep or marry her weird fiancé until she finds out who killed Rosie (much like Who Killed Laura Palmer but without the freakiness).

There are public figures one can't help but watch. Keith Olbermann seems a vile creature (based mostly on Dish's psychic thoughts and Page Six) and yet I adore watching him. It didn't surprise me that he was fired by Al Gore's Current TV or that he was replaced by vile-scenery-hogging Elliot Spitzer. The yicky boys stick together, sort of like chunked noodles when one forgets to put oil in the boiling water and then stir. Taking this metaphor further, Keith has popped open the lid, strayed from the clump and jumped, sauceless, onto the white stainless steel stovetop where he will stick forever more. Deep Dish Lesson: Slather yourself in olive oil, separate from the pack while remaining in the pot.

Once Mary Ann's was demoted to a B-rating in my neighborhood, my husband and I raced to eat dinner there. We felt that the potential for vermin scurrying through the kitchen and pooping in corners and other unsafe cooking practices made for more exciting meals. Our expectations were met. The table was sticky and my fork had not been washed. The bus-bathroom deodorizer permeated the main room, reminding me of when TG popped the question over chips and salsa. My cheese quesadillas were delicious, as were the frozen margaritas and pork enchiladas. This place will always be special to me.

*My parents' bald-faced lie to get me to sleep

Happy Birthday, France and Jane Lynch!

Emmy awards were announced and here's the list: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/14/2011-emmy-nominations-63r_n_898094.html Who are you rooting for? To be honest, Dish has been so busy, there's no time to scrutinize the nominees. All I cared about was The Killing.

Apparently, Chris Colfer, Corey Montheim and Lea Michele won't return after next season for Glee. Room for other stars? What about Dish and TG? We just discovered new singing software on our iPads and had a song-fest last night. I'm told I can't sing...

Daniel Baldwin seems to have married a drunken, violence wackadoo. Divorce filed and I hope he gets out before an episode of Snapped airs. That family has the worst luck with their relationships. Just discovered Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? Love it!

Update on Brooke Mueller's photograph with what looked like smoking paraphernalia. She alleges she wasn't smoking crack, just pot which was prescribed for anxiety. Hey, I have anxiety too.

It's official: Kim Kardashian is getting married August 20th. Another ass off the market.

Most of all, Happy Birthday to the great Jane Lynch, who keeps Dish in stitches every time she's on a screen. Though she did some wonderful dramatic work on Criminal Minds, as well.