"I Have a Little Bit of a Temper"

Am I brain damaged or was the Mel Gibson interview on the Tonight Show really strange, disturbing, yet a smidgeon reasonable? It sort of was like Real Housewives in that it involved a group of unlikeable people, venting publicly. Eszterhas seems to loathe women, as does Gibson, they fought, and Jay, well, he has no filter. I guess I never warmed to him after Johnny Carson left, and the Conan fiasco was truly barbaric. He seems to smile away the bad stuff, like when Hugh Grant got caught with the prostitute and he had that "What were you thinking?" line. And yet, despite the insanity, I can't bring myself to throw away my Lethal Weapon DVDs. Luckily, Conspiracy Theory has Julia, thus is a keeper for life.

Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian are at the White House Correspondents Dinner, guests of Fox News. There will be jokes, made by more liberal media (anything is more liberal than Fox!), which will backfire. We've heard enough about these two.

Buffy is preggo with baby #2.

Thank you to Nick Rhodes for his liberal use of eye makeup these last 29 years. I had an errand to run, my face was wan from too much indoor time. I thought of Nick and took out my black eyeliner. It gave me a boost.

2 Tired Women, 2 Angry Men

These women are so tired. I'm so tired. This week, Sarah Linden and Emily Thorne are my role models. On The Killing, Sarah walks around sleep deprived yet determined to solve a case. How she drives around endlessly, chasing leads, I don't know. On Revenge, Emily hides a whopper of a secret and must carry through a genius plan of revenge against the Graysons. Does she sleep? No, because she has to stay one step ahead and she still looks awesome and can beat the crap out of anyone. Dish is horribly sleep deprived now for almost a week. Insomnia makes me dizzy, angry, weepy, spacey, anxious and depressed. I tend to become this on the couch until Sweet Morpheus finds me again. The only good thing about sleeplessness is that I stop eating, ergo can go back to my runway days. TG has fled until sweet Dish returns.

I learned so much today by listening to the latest Mel Gibson rant, released by Joe Eszterhas. You cackle but Gibson should teach classes on unleashing one's demon. Can you imagine, rows of gym bunnies, music pumping all screaming: you f***cking *($)#( c**ks**ckkking [insert ethnic slur] sl**ttttbagwhoooooorrreeeee. Oh, sugar t*ts, you really went off the rails when you did What Women Want. I keep wondering why any woman would want Mel these days. Maybe it's the promise of a sweeter side, the genius that peeks out now and then. Now if only Mel and Alec Baldwin would mud wrestle and scream at each other, it would make my year. At least someone needs to put their rants to club music.

Sadness: Greg Ham from Men At Work was found dead in Melbourne. I'm bathing in tears over insomnia the genius of this song.

Gladness: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer pregnated!!! Awwwww, Sookay.

Make the Celebrities Stop Fighting! Someone's Going to Get Hurt!

It's an epidemic! Stars are fighting with writers. Let's get a big pool of creamed corn and watch these violent flesh-balls go at it. I'll bring the Bratwurst and Pepsi.

In ring 1: Sleaze writer Joe Eszterhas and Mel Gibson are dueling over anti-semitic remarks the actor/director allegedly made. Mel claims Joe's script for Maccabees blew moose testes. These two skeeve me out to the max. My advice: Get out a ruler. What else is there to do now that Maccabees is a no-go? And we were all so excited about this one.

In ring 2: The love fest between Andrea Peyser and Alec Baldwin continues--as does Dish's fascination! Though, I find some faulty reporting in her dwelling on his I-swallowed-a-water-buffalo appearance adopted by many doughy middle-aged male stars*. Alec has slimmed down, no doubt encouraged by his seemingly-awesome fiancee**. Doesn't Alec remind you of a certain temperamental, weight-shifting Democrat with woman problems? Teddy Kennedy lives! Okay, I just blasphemed. Is it possible for me not to take sides in this issue? Can't I love them both?

In ring 3: Alec is pissed at NBC and said he's dumping the network after their news crews camped out at his place. I'd rather see his hissy than read passive-aggressive tweets, but as an avid stargazer, do feel stars should have some privacy. Curiosity is a sick beast.

Marc Anthony filed for divorce from J.Lo citing irreconcilable differences, which means 1. Let's just end this thing 2. Something really bad happened. 3. Celebrity marriage ADD. In the case of these two, I'd go for option #1.

Zimmerman was finally charged with second degree murder. Can I get an It's About Time?

*Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal--though Crowe may have slimmed down and Seagal did look svelte in Exit Wounds. These boys yo-yo diet like teenage girls!
**I can't articulate why but she seems like a cool cucumber to Dish.

Geezer News

Robert De Niro and his wife Grace Hightower gave birth to a divine girl (via surrogate). Let this latest De Niro be intense and ever mindful of making as many pictures as possible, some good, some bad. Mazel Tov, you crazy kids!

Ladies and Sugar T*ts, let the matrimonial race begin. Mel Gibson is official single again. Hubba, hiccup, hubba! I just can't help remembering the precious voicemail he left for his last babymama, "I want you to get over here and BLOW ME NOWWWWW!!!!" Who says romance is dead?

Prince Phillip underwent emergency heart surgery. For the sake of the monarchy, let's hope he recovers soon. Stiff upper lip!

The holiday season means more Jacquie Lawson ecards. They're sort of like The Highline to Dish--don't get the appeal but lots of my friends/colleague think they're fabulous. In our age of immediate gratification, I can't sit still long enough to see the bird create a centerpiece for the Christmas table, then light a crappy candle in the window. Am I on crack?

Long live someecards.com.

Speaking of crack, I'm thoroughly hooked on Breaking Bad. The acting is just ... I have no words. It brings back my years in New Mexico, when in 3/4 neighborhoods, you could count on a someone breaking into your house and stealing all your jewelry. The good old days! Despite this, I'd go back in a heartbeat for the desert beauty. The series doesn't capture the lusciousness of NM, just the seedy part.

Duran Duran at MSG Tonight!

I'm revving up the 80s pop engine and getting ready to hit MSG. I will breeze in as the opening band plays because I don't do General Admission even though I have a GA ticket. Cannot wait to see the boys again! Surely, the sight of Simon, Roger, John and Nick will cure my ailments. Dish is back to wearing eyeliner again, thank heavens.

New candidate for celebrity landfill: Michael Lohan was arrested for domestic violence, i.e beating the crap out of Kate Major, his ex-fiancee. At least he keeps himself in the news. And his sweet daughter is allegedly posing for Playboy. Great! Because she's such a sex symbol...

Darrell Hammond comes clean about all his drug abuse. Dish has a friend who spent a lot of time with him before SNL. Boy do I have stories. They will go to my grave.

The Beaver starring Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster: Touching in areas, really ridiculous, absolutely NO vagina innuendo.

Shutter Island starring Leonardo DiCaprio: Unwatchable even as live streaming.

Yesterday's Studs Making News

Sugar t*ts Mel Gibson wants to make a movie about Jewish hero Judah ­Maccabee. Dish doesn't worry about his intolerant comments about Jews, gays, women, stem cell research. Dish wants this movie to be made because of how gay it could be. Ever since Braveheart, Mel has been swimming in undulating homoerotic waters, all while making adorable gay slurs. His recent movies contain loinclothes, glistening muscles, torture scenes where men wear these orgasmic expressions, and who could forget when Mel wears hose and waxes himself in What Women Want? At the beginning of Apocalypto, the men discuss eating testicles, maybe because they would rather eat balls than visit the hut where their wives are waiting for baby-making boinkage. I'm sorry, but I can't wait for what Mel does next. His last movie The Beaver, well, hahahaha there, especially given the connection to Jodie Foster, who vehemently supported him during his domestic violence/custody snafus. Mel's splendor has taken quite a dive since Braveheart and I doubt he'll rise again. In the meantime, can't we twisted viewers have a little fun and not take him so seriously? If groups want to express their outrage, fine. The real tragedy in the comedy of Mel is that...he used to be an amazing actor. Now he just seems bananas.

Another amazing actor who's made some great movies and real crap (Anger Management), Jack Nicholson had a house burn up in the Hollywood Hills. I almost burnt tonight's meatloaf, my wandering attention due to the pain of Federer losing. Dish was dreaming of a Federer/Nadal rematch but will settle for Nadal/Djokovic.

Toronto International Film Festival is happening. Angelina wore another black dress. I will catch Moneyball, the first Brad movie I really want to see since...since...Se7en. Who am I kidding? I see all of his movies even though I don't think he's cute at all. It's my job.

Congratulations to Amy Smart and Carter Oosterhouse who got hitched!

Just Going With It Wednesday

A very low key day in celebrity haps. Mel Gibson had a large victory in court. He only has to pay his babymama 750K. And he's worth gazillions. They both seem bananas. Another victory, some mysterious buyer (hmmmm) wants to take Kim Kardashian's sex tape off the market. Now that she's married, it doesn't seem right to watch it incessantly as one is wont to do.

So, Dish got around to watching Just Go With It because Aniston can't be missed. The story is highly predictable and The Wedding Singer is miles better as far as Sandler flicks go (yes, I saw Punch Drunk Love). Brooklyn Deckler has huge melon-breasts and she's perfect. But so is JA. Older + not-so perfect (since it's Aniston, not-so = perfect) - stable family/good income = funnier + more attractive. Nicole Kidman and Dave Matthews are fantastic, bright spots in this dull as dirt movie. Nicole and Jennifer have amazing chemistry and I wondered, WHY? Wouldn't they be competing? This is not the case. They complement each other beautifully--one sunny, funny honey-brown-blonde and one frosty crazy redhead. Then I realized they have one big thing in common: They both got ROYALLY screwed by their A-List exes. Can you imagine being a fly on the wall? Would love to see Aniston and Kidman star in their own movie.