Jen's Uterus--An Update

Allegedly Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant but this could be covering up for her pregnancy. Dishmama would call this policing genitalia. It's true, we spend our time watching her belly for signs of fetus. At this point, we'll be relieved if she births even a paramecium from her shriveled internal repro-parts (I'm 12 mo. ahead of you, Jen). God forbid she go her whole life without breeding a perfect, shiny blond with gigantic blue eyes and perfect comedic timing. Seriously--these rumors have plagued her for over 10 years. Why aren't we bothering James Franco? Why isn't he reproducing? Bradley Cooper and George Clooney need to pop out some kids, too (preferably together and we can see pics).

Dishbrothersidekick informed me that a celestial event will occur: the return of Catherine Bell as The Good Witch. DBSK writes:

Mark your calendar for Sat, Oct 26!!! Hallmark is having a Good Witch marathon starting at 11am covering all 5 movies and premiering the 6th installment, The Good Witch's Destiny (at 11pm)!!!!!

And I just read they started shooting number 7 already, The Good Witch's Wonder! (which will air next year). 

Here are the links:

http://lost-sheep-2.livejournal.com/237174.html

http://www.hallmarkchannelpress.com/Schedule/Calendar?SiteID=142&NodeID=144&thedate=10/26/2013

https://m.facebook.com/pages/The-Good-Witchs-Series/

http://www.broadwayworld.com/bwwtv/article/Catherine-Bell-Chris-Potter-Reunite-for-Seventh-Installment-of-Hallmarks-THE-GOOD-WITCH-20130917

Can you feel our enthusiasm? I can't get enough of that Catherine.

Speaking of too good to be true, Dish went to Jersey Boys for the twelfth time. Wedged between enormous and loud people, I felt very uncomfortable. And just when I started to think God doesn't exist, I heard the voice of Dominic Scaglione, Jr. and I know the divine exists in his vocal cords. He is a fabulous Frankie and I never get nervous about his missing a note (that doesn't always happen). His voice is always strong. Okay, Dish just loves all the Frankies and everything related to JB.

Aniston Got Sick on a Big Mac!

So our dear Jennifer admitted to eating junk food (essential JF, tho) and it didn't agree with her. Sorry, people, but while you're celebrating the Fourth, I'll be imagining Jennifer having the sh*ts. It's just where my brain goes. It's okay, Jen, the same thing happens to be when I even look at, much less eat, gazpacho. How I love McDonald's vanilla shakes instead--and the Aniston.

Just caught up with Scientology and discovered that Tommy Davis is no longer its ardent spokesperson. Would love to have been a Xenu fly on the wall when that went down. Maybe not. They scare and fascinate me.

Scandal's Kerry Washington, it seems, secretly got married which out those nasty rumors of a flirtation with Tony Goldwyn to rest. Dish never believed that in the first place.

Starbuns in the Oven?

It looks as if Channing Tatum does have sex with his wife since she might be carrying his almighty seed. I'm sorry, ladies. Dish is rooting for Jenna since she had the good taste to appear on American Horror Story. Not so much Channing because of Magic Mike which wasted precious minutes of my life.

A controversial topic of the last ten years has resurfaced. Is Jennifer Aniston finally pregnant? She's wearing baggier clothes and refusing alcohol. Sorry to say, Dish isn't buying it. I am also enjoying baggier attire since comfort is more appealing. Track suit, anyone? And because I sleep poorly and booze keeps me awake, I refuse the sauce. Plus, thanks to some fertility clinics, Dish knows the odds of her being preggo right about now. If she is, may the force be with her. She and Justin will have gorgeous children with fantastic comedic timing.

Dish is off on a short road trip that will wind up in the second row of Jersey Boys on Wednesday night!

Wanderlust Isn't So Bad

...especially if you enjoy Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. The premise is incredibly one-note and the glow of Jenni-Paul almost makes up for it. Almost. The crazy hippie thing is funny for about two seconds until you realize this flick is a vehicle for the following:

Rudd's endearing boy-nextdoorness
Justin Theroux--who is super-hammy and clever, though his best work so far is Tropic Thunder
Bathroom and sex humor--which Apatow takes to new heights
Aniston's great hair, body and comedic timing. It's hard for me to look away when she's on a screen, she is that Julia-esque
Crazy secondary characters

It's worth a rent if you have nothing to do.

So much ado about Israel these days. I'm not sure what's happening but Kim Kardashian does. So much so that she tweeted her support of Israel, then Palestine, then never mind. Note to Kim: Resist all Ambien-tweeting.

And now, I feel I have to confess: Lincoln looks like a big pile of crap. Am I the only one who doesn't melt over Steven Spielberg and Daniel Day? In a previous post, I said I wanted to see it, but I was lying. In the previews, the only one who doesn't seem to overact is my imaginary aunt Sally Field. Maybe that's inspiration to go...

I Think Uranus Delivered Its Load This Week

So yeah, the Mitt Romney thing has stuck. Everyone is talking about it. Now we just stand back and see if he's truly sunk or if Obama will do something worse. Is Mitt like Teflon? Will his nasty words change the minds of voters? Dish tends to think people know their candidate and the vote doesn't change. Though...I wasn't going to vote in 2008. I'm not sure what changed my mind, maybe that I overcame my irritation over the starry-eyed Obama devotees who left Hillary in the dust. I still am bitter about that, but the election isn't about me. I definitely voted in an election that mattered, even though my vote didn't really matter. It didn't make me feel amazing. I was just being a citizen. This year, it's much clearer to me.

I'm not sure I like seeing Jennifer Aniston pregnant. It's a disturbance in the force! But I enjoy her humor. Am I being un-PC to prefer her un-pregnant?

Alexis, by far the most fun one to hate, is leaving The Real Housewives of Orange County. Rumor has it that she got kicked off, but I don't see how the network could do that. She's too fun to watch. Was it the weird husband? I'll never buy that she wants to live life away from cameras.

I love Kate Middleton's reaction to the titty photos: smile and dance. Really, who gives a flying scone slathered in clotted cream? There's not much you can do except stay covered forever. That means you, Prince Philips. Please avoid all future wang shots.

The rags can't help playing up the American Idol feuding between Mariah and Nicki. So pathetic. Why does it have to be the divas? Why can't they talk about tension between Randy and Keith. I don't believe a word. We see through your paltry ways, AI machine.

Tori Spelling had emergency surgery after complications with her recent C section. My uterus is yowling in pain. Get well soon, Tori!

Special healing prayers for Robin Roberts as she goes for her bone marrow transplant on Thursday. You can keep up with her on this blog. Go Robin!!!

Finally Jennifer Aniston Is No Longer Desperate!!!

Justin Theroux has saved Jen Aniston from a long, path of despair and shriveled ovaries. Brad Pitt dumped her for another woman and Jen's suffered ever since, pulling her flaxen hair into a silky sheen and beating her breasts until they became swollen mounds of bitterness. Gosh, ever since Brad left her, she's been plagued by her gazillions of dollars, making movies and dating high profile men. These last seven years have been UNLIVABLE...until now. Until Justin put a ring on her finger. But seriously, I'm happy for J.A....I mostly want her to choose better projects. Liked her in Derailed and Horrible Bosses.

At least execs are taking the Chad Johnson arrest seriously. He's been cut from the Miami Dolphins and his reality show axed. Now can we focus on more important items? Today I saw a picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. Good for her. I sort of like the not-skinny celeb "flaunting her curves*." I did this in Orlando 10 years ago, turning into the state's reddest lobster. Thank Jebus, no one documented my freckled derriere spilling out of my rainbow bikini. Kim's tush adores the camera way more. It's really hard not to look at it, but Dish knows female butts. KK's is so well sculpted that it can't be real. There has to be a combination of lypo and implants somewhere, even though she went to a doctor who verified that her butt was genuinely gigantic.**

I am not well.

Rest in peace, Helen Gurley Brown -- trailblazer extraordinaire who never denied the "girl" in the girl.

*The common term for "fat."
**That said, TG and I are obsessed with the Kardashians, a year after everyone else.

Rest in Peace, Etta James

This legendary diva gave us one of Dish's favorite yet overplayed songs ever. We thank her for the gift of her songs!

More bad news: Kenny G and his wife split, though this could be good news for some lucky perm-loving lady. Speaking of funky hair, Katy Perry unfollowed Russell Brand on Twitter. OMG!!!! Meltdown!!!

Today's rumor: Both Aniston and Jolie are pregnant! I saw an incriminating photo where Jen does indeed seem to be about 6 months along. Or it could be a huge pillow. I did that to avoid being hassled on the metro in Paris (I am *that* beautiful) and wanted a seat. Newsflash: Parisians are more apt to give up their seats for the old and pregnant than seat-hog New Yorkers (and by this, I mean men). As for Angelina, anything's possible. The poor dear does need to put on a few pounds and in our fantasies, she and Brad can never stop copulating because they are gorgeous A-lister stars.

Last night's Republican debate in SC: All the candidates except for Ron Paul spoke of Obama in such vile terms, all but saying he was an uppity you-know-what. It's very sad to see how racism lives on. Good thing Obama could out-debate any of them, though Ron Paul is fun to watch. Love that John King had the cojones to ask Newt about his skanky ways. Hillary forever!

Waiting for The Fame...

Dish and TG have two big press items about to appear. An article in a big newspaper and our appearance on a talk show. For now, we have to make do with being one of the Little People. C'mon, guys. We need to be out there. We're open to reality show offers. It will help finance our chicken/coffee farm overseas.

The news today is for the birds: Jen Aniston and Brad almost ran into each other at a movie theater. Sounds like a pile of BS to me. I'm sure these two pay people a lot of money not to casually run into each other. Charlize Theron was teased in high school. I'm putting a moratorium on beautiful actresses/models claiming they were hideous in childhood and bullied. There are pics everywhere of topless Michael Lohan in his hospital bed. He's having trouble speaking and breathing! If I were really sick, the first thing I'd do is get my pecs in the tabs.

We bagged The Artist as we were too lazy to go all the way to the Angelika. Caught up on our Andersons.

Star Sighting--Peter Scolari!!!

5:14pm, Trader Joes on UWS: Our favorite Bosom Buddy exited with what looked like an offspring. Peter Scolari, chewing gum, seemed confused, which is perfectly understandable considering that the TJ on Broadway and 72nd is a big mess. Don't you remember how brilliant Peter was in Bosom Buddies and Newhart? What is he doing now? Why isn't he EVERYWHERE? Maybe because he seems sane.

Speaking of sane...Shia LaBeouf got his ass kicked in a boozy brawl. I feel evil for my schadenfreude. Lindsay Lohan might be going back to jail, too, and I forget why. Does it matter? Jennifer Aniston wore a plunging neckline dress to some ass affair. The world is going to hell!

Here's proof: I just got caught up with my A-List: New York reunion and felt myself--self-loathing at 11 over this--liking Reichen, Ryan and Derek and feeling bad for Austin. What's wrong with Dish?

The End of the World

Not because R.E.M. has broken up but because fame-whores Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison have signed on to do a reality show. We all knew this would happen! What's even worse, Dish is curious to watch. 35-year age difference + religious fervor + underage marriage + questionable musical talent = delicious trainwreck potential. Who needs the public executions of ages past? We have reality. Oh, and R.E.M. broke up. They never did anything for me but a week ago I watched "Losing My Religion" and thought, I get it now. Best of luck to the group in their future projects.

What's real/rumor? Saw non-baby bump pic of Jen, though could be early stages. Brad said bad things about being married to Jen. Now lots of apologies. Jen happy with Justin. Could Brad be jealous? Is Jolie too skinny? Must all be hooey but hard to interpret as benign Pitt's words about his marriage. Also believe Jen's romance is selling more papers than the Pitt/Jolie old news. Yes, I'm on Team Aniston but when it comes to movies, Team Everyone. Moneyball out soon!

Hershey Kiss reports Darren Criss killed on Glee and that anything Darren related is not to be missed. I tend to agree and will catch up anon.

Dish is trying to do Atkins after major meringue creme anglaise dessert last night with TG-Daddy, who is a divine creature and gave me a pen with his name on it.

Just Going With It Wednesday

A very low key day in celebrity haps. Mel Gibson had a large victory in court. He only has to pay his babymama 750K. And he's worth gazillions. They both seem bananas. Another victory, some mysterious buyer (hmmmm) wants to take Kim Kardashian's sex tape off the market. Now that she's married, it doesn't seem right to watch it incessantly as one is wont to do.

So, Dish got around to watching Just Go With It because Aniston can't be missed. The story is highly predictable and The Wedding Singer is miles better as far as Sandler flicks go (yes, I saw Punch Drunk Love). Brooklyn Deckler has huge melon-breasts and she's perfect. But so is JA. Older + not-so perfect (since it's Aniston, not-so = perfect) - stable family/good income = funnier + more attractive. Nicole Kidman and Dave Matthews are fantastic, bright spots in this dull as dirt movie. Nicole and Jennifer have amazing chemistry and I wondered, WHY? Wouldn't they be competing? This is not the case. They complement each other beautifully--one sunny, funny honey-brown-blonde and one frosty crazy redhead. Then I realized they have one big thing in common: They both got ROYALLY screwed by their A-List exes. Can you imagine being a fly on the wall? Would love to see Aniston and Kidman star in their own movie.

Reality Suicide

Holy freaking crapwagons: Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Taylor Armstrong's husband Russell committed suicide, found dead last night. It seems severe financial problems and recent divorce filing pushed him over the edge. Yish. I'm sure having your entire life scrutinized on reality TV didn't help! Poor bastard. It's just awful that his three kids will have to live with this. There's a ton of blame going around, but Dish feels that suicide is one person's fault. Some people have a breaking point when it comes to dealing with hellish circumstances.

In lighter news: Jessica Simpson is not preggo most likely because she was seen staggering drunk recently. So, the bottom line is that she's just F*A*T, as in a normal weight by most of our standards. Enjoy it, girl!

I'm just happy that Sean Hayes is back on TV soon with a new series where he plays a gay dad raising a child with his partner. On NBC! Can life get better? Yes! Jennifer Aniston will appear on Days of Our Lives as her real-life father's wedding planner. I'm set.

Ghosts in the Machine

TG discovered a ghost tracker app on iPad and last night we communicated with ghosts in our apartment. I was ready to bake cookies for the ghost(s) until today when TG recanted his belief in the presence, claiming, "That app will say anything." Maybe we've watched too many A Haunting in...

Lovely article on the plight of redheads by Katherine Bindley: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katherine-bindley/redheads_b_921627.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009. She nails it.

Say a prayer for Jani Lane, former lead singer of Warrant, who died at 47. So many celebrity deaths related to substance abuse.

This will cheer you up: Heather Locklear is engaged to Jack Wagner and Snooki is signed up for Dancing With the Stars. Feel better now?

Patti Stanger has weighed in on Jennifer Aniston's relationship with Justin Theroux--thank gawd--and so has everyone else and so will I. Tabloids are saying Jen is desperate for a baby. She'll mount any geyser of swimmers. Then she'll latch onto him with powerful invisible handcuffs and shriek at him that he must never leave her. Like the primal she-monkey, if she doesn't have her mans, she'll cry bitter tears to the four corners of the Earth. My feeling is: Why would Jennifer Aniston ever be desperate? She has dough, friends, can sign on to do just about any movie she wants, could date anyone she wants. Justin's not that hot, but Tropic Thunder was awesome. As long as they're having fun. That what it's all about, right?

Duran Duran Appreciation Day

I'm not sure why this is Duran Duran Appreciation Day. As far as I'm concerned, that should be every day.

Dish woke up at 5am to watch the truly atrocious Bachelor Pad--mostly to see the Vienna and Jake nonsense. They could all be used as landfill (something TG might say).

Dish might be taking a break from Dish. It seems futile to dish when there is so much other dish for others to read. I love reading tabloids but I loved more writing for a celebrity-adoring audience. After five years, what is the point dishing to my inner circle? I could just talk to them directly about my feelings regarding Jennifer Aniston's sex life, Ashton's taking over for feckless Sheen, or Lady GaGa's latest baloney sandwich costume.

What is the point of a blog, aside from being watered down celebrity theory? Perhaps it's time to infiltrate. Deep cover Dish. And as always, Duran Duran forever. And Julia.

Chasing Amy

Shocking celebrity death makes for endless tabloid coverage of her demise. I hate that I crave new information. Maybe the constant updates help her fans cope. I wonder, if she'd lived, would she have still been such a legend or just a sad addict? Her death propels her into that dead troubled icon stratosphere, where we now can look at her talent and focus less on her downward spiral. We can remember her as amazing in those early years, which are still very recent. Here's probably my favorite song by Amy Winehouse, when she was great. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojdbDYahiCQ.

Are Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux moving in together? Why is this a bad idea? TG and I moved in together instantly. When you're our age, why wait? Plus, they have tons of $$$ to get new apartments in case it's a disaster. Go Jennifer!

Spike from Notting Hill was arrested at Comic-Con after shoving a female security guard. Brilliant actor but this sounds really dicky.

Kim Kardashian crashed her man's bachelor party. This might be a regular thing in their marriage. (Dish advice: Never date an athlete. Never ever.) With such a high profile wife, though, maybe her husband will be angelic. Everyone will be watching.