Kate Is Yakking Again!

Oh wait, I said I wouldn't cover them during their pregnancy. Can I blame it on my Lindt overdose? So anyway, Kate is vomiting again. I feel it's only fair Wills gets equal coverage of his bodily functions. Tell us where/when he lays a giant royal turd, please?

So, that Party Animal Who Played Liz seems to be attaching at the member to a member of The Wanted. Now Dish has to research and see what this band is about. Then watch something by New Direction, to whose member Taylor Swift (I think that's her name) is attached to one of the members. I'm so tired.

On a serious note: Say a prayer for Mexican-American singer Jenni Rivera whose plane crashed early this morning. No news on where she is but so far, authorities fear the worst.

Star Spotting--Christine Quinn!!!

1:14pm at Plein Sud in Tribeca. Dish was scarfing down bread loaded with butter when someone said, "Oh, there's Christine Quinn." I whipped around to see the woman herself, wearing an awesome suit, headed toward a corner table. All I really know about her is that she's a politician and a lesbian...and a celebrity! Ergo I love her. She looked nice. I hope her meal was better than mine...

I don't think I've gone a day without hearing about how method Daniel Day Lewis is. Grrrr. One of these days, I have to see Lincoln even though my intestines gurgle at the thought. On a more cheerful note, Emily Maynard has been cast on Dancing with the Stars, which confirms her fame-whoring ways.Who the hell wants to be an anonymous single mom in Charlotte when you can be on TV? Right there with ya, Ems!

Kate Middleton was discharged from hospital. Pictures show her smiling next to her dashing balding husband. No yakking, but it's only a matter of time before it's caught on camera. Dish is obsessed.

I'm Ready for My Botox

Dish had her first procedure yesterday, the most serious since wisdom teeth extraction 1993. Yes, my derm froze off a patch of sun-damaged skin on my cheek. I showed off the hideous scab to random neighbor in elevator and he said, "I don't know what to say." Say that it's awesome! Derm was so nice and I hinted that I might get Botox, but he didn't take up the thread of conversation. You'd think he wanted me out the door fast. Hey, buddy, it's not everyone who gets to see me in my underpants! Maybe in 1996 and 2005...

Everyone's talking about Kate's pregnancy. Because I want to give the royal couple their privacy, I won't say another word--except that I now know so much about that Hideous Gravarium condition aka Yakking- Constantly-Due-to-Bun-in-the-Oven-itis. They're even speculating about twins--Gaggus Majoris!

Rob Kardashian barely got his sh*t together to start a sock line, but he did find the time to call his ex a whore on twitter. Wasn't he supposed to go to law school?


And now I shall retire to focus on my enviable state--the need to gain 6 pounds. The sound of my bones scraping together, not cool. Thank the lords, it's raining corn muffins and vanilla lattes!!!

Princess Kate Is Yakking Her Brains Out!

Poor Katie-kins! When Dish thinks of hell, this is what it looks like: being so sick from yakking that one needs hospitalization. The next circle of hell is seeing all the comments from sympathizers with remedies for Kate Middleton's morning sickness. If her yakking hadn't been so severe, she might have waited to spew the news of the growing royal. According to commenters, the child could be a girl or a boy--based on the fact that she has morning sickness. Get well soon, KM!

And big congratulations to the royal couple!

I Think Uranus Delivered Its Load This Week

So yeah, the Mitt Romney thing has stuck. Everyone is talking about it. Now we just stand back and see if he's truly sunk or if Obama will do something worse. Is Mitt like Teflon? Will his nasty words change the minds of voters? Dish tends to think people know their candidate and the vote doesn't change. Though...I wasn't going to vote in 2008. I'm not sure what changed my mind, maybe that I overcame my irritation over the starry-eyed Obama devotees who left Hillary in the dust. I still am bitter about that, but the election isn't about me. I definitely voted in an election that mattered, even though my vote didn't really matter. It didn't make me feel amazing. I was just being a citizen. This year, it's much clearer to me.

I'm not sure I like seeing Jennifer Aniston pregnant. It's a disturbance in the force! But I enjoy her humor. Am I being un-PC to prefer her un-pregnant?

Alexis, by far the most fun one to hate, is leaving The Real Housewives of Orange County. Rumor has it that she got kicked off, but I don't see how the network could do that. She's too fun to watch. Was it the weird husband? I'll never buy that she wants to live life away from cameras.

I love Kate Middleton's reaction to the titty photos: smile and dance. Really, who gives a flying scone slathered in clotted cream? There's not much you can do except stay covered forever. That means you, Prince Philips. Please avoid all future wang shots.

The rags can't help playing up the American Idol feuding between Mariah and Nicki. So pathetic. Why does it have to be the divas? Why can't they talk about tension between Randy and Keith. I don't believe a word. We see through your paltry ways, AI machine.

Tori Spelling had emergency surgery after complications with her recent C section. My uterus is yowling in pain. Get well soon, Tori!

Special healing prayers for Robin Roberts as she goes for her bone marrow transplant on Thursday. You can keep up with her on this blog. Go Robin!!!

Rising Above the Shaky Camera in End of Watch

Ever since Blair Witch and Traffic, Dish has hated the oh-so artistic shaky camera and whiplash editing styles of today's filmmakers. I understand you have to show Stress, Desperation and a Sense of Urgency, but can't you do that without turning my stomach?

It was with great trepidation that Dish went to last night's Director's Guild showing of Jake Gyllencute's End of Watch. I did it for Jake and Michael Pena, both of whose work I've enjoyed over many years. After about 20 minutes, I got used to the shaky camera even though it still pissed me off. This flick is a delight and one of the few cop/buddy movies that seemed realistic, without the usual law enforcement baloney. Gyllenhaal and Pena are credible as cops who deal with enormous stress and boredom on a daily basis. I highly recommend. Really hope this gets some Oscar attention since it's well deserved for both actors.

Jake and Michael (I can first name them) came out afterwards for a Q&A session. I was stunned at how articulate they both were, as if they each had college degrees and read actual books. In fact, they were mega-nerds. Such wits, the boys were so obviously into their "craft." Some superficiliaties: Jake is not a super-stud in person, not so tall either. He has a nasty beard and seems very mountain-man-ish or still recovering from 90s grunge. Dishbrother and I ditched our Jake-napping plans immediately. After the Q&A sesh, we walked out, slowing down so that we could catch up with Jake-i-poo. Wearing the usual star-baseball-cap, he walked unnoticed with some friends, then whipped out a cigarette. We shadowed him for about a block, then realized we were too old/not losers to keep following him.

In other news, as the Middle East freaks out over that silly film (which I'm surprised anyone takes seriously because it's so stupid), Europe keeps sucking on the teet of exploitation with topless pics of Kate Middleton. Mitt Romney is trying to be hip by saying he likes Snooki. Please, don't insult us. She is so three years ago.

In This Time of Crisis...

...a French magazine has nothing better to do than publish photos of Kate Middleton topless, thereby spoiling our visions of her in sleek solid dresses and skyscraper heels. Now all we see are her tatas. Celebrity breasts are invading the world!

I'm going to escape Mammary Cove with a Director's Guild viewing of End of Watch, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, who will appear in person for a Q&A session. It goes without saying that Dish and Dishbrother's gorgeosity will make it hard for Jakeipoo to concentrate. But we're married, therefore, off limits. And yet, I wouldn't mind a peck on the cheek because those are the lips that kissed Heath Ledger, one of my favorite actors ever. Jake is no slouch either. Maybe if Maggie shows, we could go out on a double sibling date.

On this double sibling date, I'd ask all kinds of questions. Like how Maggie felt taking over for Katie Holmes in the Batman movies. Did Jake like dating Reese or was she a total bitch? No, she was probably awesome. Why wouldn't she be? What was with the homoerotic workout fests with Jake, McConaughey and Lance? And is Peter Skarsgard (or whatever), Maggie's husband, still running in barefoot sneakers or did he give them up as Dish did? I think I'd have more in common with Maggie though it's not as if this is Duran Duran.

I'm sure I'll still need a Snickers to relax.

My Resolutions for the Stars

1. Kate Middleton gains weight. She's been gaunt since her engagement to Wills. Is it stress?

2. The Kardashians fade out and a new family emerges: the Franzens. Imagine if Jonathan Franzen and his family had a reality show. They'd discuss literature, agonize over words (lots of them) and wonder where to get a shitty black turtleneck so they can hide away from this feckless universe. For now, let's rant and rave about the Ks manufacturing overseas and potential use of slave labor. This flock of brunettes has become the symbol of all things bad. Greed, vanity, recklessness and possessing stultifying speech patterns.

3. Kris Humphries thrives as a NJ Net. Not sure I see him as a victim but the best revenge is living well.

4. Julia Roberts makes a romantic comedy with ... I can't believe I'm saying this ... Tom Cruise. The most expensive movie in history but it needs to happen. He would wear major pumps to meet her chin. Okay, too much. Maybe I'd go for Hugh Jackman if he weren't so ... maybe Liev Schreiber. Okay, no one. No one matches Julia.

Dish reached rock bottom of the holiday blues, arranged herself artfully on the muddy earth, and looked up through tears to see a light in the distance. Maybe it's the "grow light" for TG's terrarium and I'm soaking up the photosynthesis. I'll take it and my Vitamin D. Just enough time to enjoy the holidays now. Oh wait ... they haven't even started.

Today's topic: Is Daniel Craig worn out looking, as Dishbrother maintains? He does have the appearance of being run over by a truck and was too skinny in Cowboys and Aliens. Looking forward to James Bond. Watching moviestars run makes me happy.

Star Sighting--Hugh Dancy!!!

Texted by DishfriendMel at 3:18pm to say she saw this gem on 41st and 8th Avenue. And Dish was just mentioning Billy Crudup, who is sperm brothers with Hugh who is married to Claire Danes. I first saw Hugh in Evening, one of the crappiest on record with an all-star cast of Claire, Meryl, Vanessa Redgrave and others. It couldn't have sucked more. He was a delight in The Big C. He and Billy C. resemble each other so I can see how Claire Danes got confused in the dark and bonked Hugh by accident while she was with Billy, though I'm just making that up, I don't think it's true.

No Peanuts = Preggo? You learn something new every day! Dish knows nothing about pregnancy other than you can get knocked up sitting on the toilet, you yakk every morning and go through excruciating pain unless you get a scheduled C-section like the stars do. So, Kate Middleton refused something peanut related which the paps took to mean she's got a royal bun in the oven. Really? I thought it was just blue cheese and tunafish you couldn't have. My woman's intuition says Kate isn't pregs yet. Maybe next year.

Courtney Stodden got tit-tested, going on national television to prove her gigantic melons are real. People are starving, celebs are divorcing, the economy is in a tail spin. We worry about this?

Even more important is the trouble Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are having. Their love must survive. Someone wants to kill adorable Selena and another person claims pre-pubescent Bieber fathered her child. Has the world gone crazy?

Just saw amazingly talented Dishniece in Sweeney Todd, a darling production put on by some crazy college kids. Moved to tears during a couple songs. Dishniece will be famous someday. But will she introduce me to Julia?