To the Point

Not to use too many notes:

Kris Humphries is doing an elaborate tap dance with divorce proceedings. His 15 minutes are over. Just play basketball, dude. Let the Ks unveil their new performance piece with Kanye. I predict 71 days of marriage.

As I watched the latest nonsensical episode of RHofNY, I realized Sartre would have loved this freak show. First, he'd try to bang all of them. He'd steal their tranquilizers. And the petri dish housing these women is classic No Exit. Only Carole and Heather seem somewhat normal. Though I loves my LuAnn.

Political Animals. May it last forever.

TG and I were pleasantly surprised by Major Crimes. Mary McDonnell is a brilliant actress -- not the scenery chewer that is Brenda Lee but Mary captivates by stealth. We were glued to the screen and eating up her acting chops. Trying to figure out her Botox intake. Regardless, I just love her since Grand Canyon.

What Are You Doing in this God-Forsaken Heat?

It is so hot out. I'm home with a gassy cat, a stack of Julia movies I could never sit through, and a "cat" puzzle. Isn't this the saddest thing? To me, it's ecstasy except for the gassy cat.

As predicted, Kris Humphries's ex's pregnatiousness could upset his divorce battle, proving that he wasn't so heartbroken that he couldn't bang a chick. Though, I'm sorry, judge, he banged a chick who looked like Kim. And sometimes when you feel like crap, you have to bang someone. The real crime is that they might not have used a condom ... and that the chick herself felt so little self-esteem that she had carnal relations with an athlete, which leads to doom.

Who knew Arafat could be such a soap opera post-demise! TG was telling me all about his possibly being poisoned, the mysterious disappearance of 200M dollars, and a suspicious widow, among other rumors. I need to turn my gossip radar to the Middle East.

Dish is gearing up for campaign season. I can't wait for the debates and real CNN/MSNBC punditing.

Happy Birthday, GWB!

I don't mean the George Washing Bridge! Again, sad that I remember such birthdays. Maybe it's just that I want desperately to forget my own next week. 44 is OLD. It's not 40 or 35. It's not HOT. I'll try to make it hot. Enough about me.

Kris Humphries's ex-GF is pregnant allegedly with his child. Vileness. This is smelling more and more like Jersey Shore. I predict a quicker divorce for KK.

Let's talk about my shopping fantasies. Anthropologie.

Happy Gay Pride

Since my self-esteem hinges on how many Likes I get for my George Takei share, I will try to tear myself away and focus on the stars. Oh right, and Gay Pride. I should have hauled my butt to a pier to party with the girls from The Real L Word, but my butt urges me to stay on the couch. It's saying, "Please, Dish, no effort today. We have a little vertigo." Happy Gay Pride, Everyone! It's a glorious event, which should occur daily.

Today, I'm pondering the Kris Humphries downward spiral and instead of fighting, I think he should walk away and sign the divorce papers. Stop speaking to anyone and just play basketball. Marrying Kim K is like being an alkie. After extricating yourself, follow the steps, know that you're powerless to Kris Jenner and that while under the K umbrella you are not yourself. It's time to cut the cord.

I rewatched I Love Trouble, seeing the crabby side of Julia. It's obvious she loathed filming with Nick Nolte. I'm just that attuned to all Julia emotions. Just to give you an idea of the movie's stellar script, Nolte says this at one point to my imaginary BFF: "Where'd you come from? Bitchville?" After my viewing, I did a Google search "Julia Roberts, temper tantrum, mean in real life" and follow the links. I then chastised myself for my negative activities.

Following this, I lit bugs on fire.

Look Who Stalked Dish in Salem?

I swear, Anderson is so obsessed with us, he follows us to the ends of the earth. Dish is back from vacation--and what fun we had: investigating witchipoos, visiting with vivacious and lovely Dishcousin, and soaring over the well-worn route between New York and Boston.

It was difficult to keep from stargazing. Somehow, the alleged Kim K. and Kanye romance penetrated the deep layers of my vacation. My first, last and only comment on their relationship: It's bullsh*t unless ...*. How do I confirm this? The showing of the hickey. Anyone can give anyone a hickey. How high school and tacky is that? Most people over the age of 16 hide their hickeys because hickeys are lame. So why wouldn't Kim hide hers? Because she wants us to see it, and their relationship is BS. No wonder why Kris Humphries is unaffected by the coupling. It's a lie.

More importantly, Mike Wallace, a crabby yet significant figure in the news world died at 93. I'll never forget, about 8 years ago, I was walking to get my head shrunk, probably to agonize over ways that I could steal Russell Crowe (gag!) away from Danielle, when I passed Mike Wallace on East 86th Street, talking on his cell phone. I figured I needed to push myself to do better things with my life. Look at all that he did. Blessings on his coming and going.

*See JJ's comment on previous post.

My Resolutions for the Stars

1. Kate Middleton gains weight. She's been gaunt since her engagement to Wills. Is it stress?

2. The Kardashians fade out and a new family emerges: the Franzens. Imagine if Jonathan Franzen and his family had a reality show. They'd discuss literature, agonize over words (lots of them) and wonder where to get a shitty black turtleneck so they can hide away from this feckless universe. For now, let's rant and rave about the Ks manufacturing overseas and potential use of slave labor. This flock of brunettes has become the symbol of all things bad. Greed, vanity, recklessness and possessing stultifying speech patterns.

3. Kris Humphries thrives as a NJ Net. Not sure I see him as a victim but the best revenge is living well.

4. Julia Roberts makes a romantic comedy with ... I can't believe I'm saying this ... Tom Cruise. The most expensive movie in history but it needs to happen. He would wear major pumps to meet her chin. Okay, too much. Maybe I'd go for Hugh Jackman if he weren't so ... maybe Liev Schreiber. Okay, no one. No one matches Julia.

Dish reached rock bottom of the holiday blues, arranged herself artfully on the muddy earth, and looked up through tears to see a light in the distance. Maybe it's the "grow light" for TG's terrarium and I'm soaking up the photosynthesis. I'll take it and my Vitamin D. Just enough time to enjoy the holidays now. Oh wait ... they haven't even started.

Today's topic: Is Daniel Craig worn out looking, as Dishbrother maintains? He does have the appearance of being run over by a truck and was too skinny in Cowboys and Aliens. Looking forward to James Bond. Watching moviestars run makes me happy.

Another Reason I Should Have Been a Kardashian...

...if I'd gotten a 90K Range Rover at a young age, I might not have confused our family's Volvo with the female vulva. I learned both words around the same time and I can't hear one without the other--those dirty, dirty Swedes. Then again, the Saturn Spenis is suggestive.

You need to live on more than Melrose Place. Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner called off their engagement. I'm devastated except maybe Hez can set her cap for Kris Humphries, up her profile. Do Not Return to David Spade. Unless he's nice.

I saw my first lesbian KY commercial. PROGRESS!

The police/the mayor evicted the OWS protesters and hosed down Zucotti (?) Park. I just pray the protesters don't get near my daily environs. I believe in the cause but not really this particular physical protest itself.

I didn't think it was possible but The A List: Dallas contains more vile morons than New York. The cast is incredibly affected, playing diva-moviestars and it's a given that everyone is a lush. And the drama: OMG, he pushed me in a pool. OMG, he's drunk. OMG, how will I throw this party when I'm so drunk? I can't come to your party because I have business. Eyerolls. A loser-fest. I thought it might be interesting to give gay Christian Republicans a voice on TV but they are as awful as the liberal Dems. It's the poorest, most insulting representation of the gay community that I've ever seen--aside from the usual cliches. The Real L Word was more interesting with some complex people and relationships.

Hasselbeck vs. Maher on The View. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kBHy2HiWjc. Good for her for having the confidence to pick a fight with someone who's way smarter than she is. She needs a martini and a Xanax.

Did You Get Your 11-11-11 On?

It was okay, this day, wasn't it? I mean Kim Zolciak from Atlanta Housewives got hitched. Everyone and their mother had the same 11-11-11 status update. Demi Moore turned 49 and is better than ever (though too skinny!). Kris Humphries has lawyered up to face the truth and dodge a massive bullet. Charmed witch Holly Marie Combs filed for divorce herself.

Dish tried to watch Boss but it looked bad. I'm not sure Kelsey Grammer can really act. Only got through two minutes. Did catch up on my Glees and see what Hershey was so a-twitter about. Agree now that Darren Criss is a god. My favorite moment was seeing the Warblers singing "Uptown Girl": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSDqzbN2-zo. Reminds me to get a ticket to "Jersey Boys." Here's another one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB1cx16TEfk&feature=related.

Beyond exhausted. As we were watching Law & Order, TG informed me that he met Jerry Orbach and Benjamin Bratt--that Bratt was especially nice. The two stars were so enthralled with TG that they invited him back "to the trailer for coffee." Probably a huge lie but you gotta give TG props for trying.

Boycott the Kardashians While You Occupy Wall Street

It's the only way to get these boring people off your screens. As Al Pacino might say, they are "a waste of my mother-f*cking time." I sort of feel that when you start your career on your back, you die there. During intense discussions, Dishmama alleges that Kris Humphries was used. Kim has fled to Australia. Maybe she'll meet someone there.

So many juicy tidbits, the mind is a-whirl! Hugh Grant is a new dad. Never thought he'd reproduce though it was an accident. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora dating again. Makes me feel better about him and Heather breaking up. Zooey Deschanel and her hubs split.

The saddest news for our dear Hillary. Her mother Dorothy Rodham dies at 92. A great lady birthed a great lady.

Amy Winehouse has a new album coming out on December 5. Janis Joplin has brand new material coming around Christmas.

This is enough news for me. I'm sentencing myself to one more chapter of Dangerous Liaisons. I'm furious at TG (and writing this will infuriate him) because he's mean to me when he's sick. For some reason, my being mad makes him giddy. Maybe this will boost his immune system.

Trick or Treat: Kim Kardashian Filing for Divorce

OMG--and they said it wouldn't last. Can you see how this will prolong the reality show? Jackasses! How casually these brainless boobs treat the sanctity of marriage, though I feel bad for Kris Humphries. He's looked like a deer in headlights from Day 1. So many questions: Will she give back the ring? What about the gifts? Will Kim wind up doing a tearful interview with Baba Wawa? Poor Kim totally upstaged Jessica Simpson who was upstaged 15 years ago by Britney who announced she was preggo.

Even sicker is this picture of Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison dressed as her. They must have the freakiest sex life. This is a Lifetime movie about to erupt. I fear someone will die.

DishFriendwithConnections just showed me recent pics of her with Duran Duran after a concert. I've seen many of these over the years. My future is clear: One day, Dishmama will come home, "Oh I just met this lovely Nick Rhodes at Bergdorf's and we marveled at an emerald tulle cape." Or Dishbrother, "Roger Taylor came in to have his forearms massaged." or DishMatronofHonor: "I met Simon at a drumming ceremony last week. That boy can howl at the moon." Dish will die with Bucket List unresolved. There was an episode of South Park that dealt with this issue but I won't go that far.