How I'm Going to Be Famous

I've made a command decision. The way for me to get on TMZ is if I run my face into Lindsay Lohan's fist. She is brilliant at getting arrested and picked on (see today's news). Why not ride on her coattails? This will also attract the attention of my alleged true father Michael Lohan. The idea of bruising my porcelain skin does make me crave a comforting Snickers, but it's worth the extra weight on my ass a black eye if my name can be in lights. Please, Lindsay, you frozen-faced nightmare of a drunk? I don't really mean this, but isn't it worth a good POW in the jaw?

More bad behavior: Whitney/Bobby progeny broke up with her sort-of brother, to whom she was engaged, and wrecked her car. Whatever happened to reading self-help when you're depressed? Est, anyone? I'm signing her up for Dianetic testing right this second. Or...she needs a good dose of Dolly Parton who charmed the dickens out of Colbert on Tuesday night. Now there's someone who works.

Cheating: There is no longevity in celebrity marriages--with the exception of Gwen Stefani, whose cuteness should enthrall a spouse for 50 years. She goes the extra mile by appearing in full makeup at all times. Even Julia Roberts has a crush on her which means I do, too. With Gwen's perfection, why would Gavin Rossdale grab the nanny's ass? It could be innocent.

Robbing the Cradle of Civilization: If you've been living under a rock, the Middle East isn't fighting right now, which means it's safe for Kim Kardashian to go there and brush up. Just as important, Demi is boinking a boy half her age.If she hadn't married Ashton, I'm sure we wouldn't care. She was good in Margin Call.

Dish is off to see Les Miserables. Will Russell redeem himself? Why is Anne Hathaway not being pretty?

I'm So Confused--Are Ashton and Demi Back Together?

There's talk of secret meetings. New vows of love. I was just getting used to Demi Moore forging ahead, finding her womanity after the demise of her third marriage. I fantasized about her going on The Conversation and Wendy Williams a few times, being all strong yet vulnerable with her glasses, eyes filling because some love never dies. She would go on to make millions producing films and do the occasional Margin Call. She and Courtney Cox would morph into one person.

As for Ashton, he's starting to look like a man. Before the split he resembled the college student I always yearned to date in my teens but didn't until my mid thirties. He has all these great projects in his future. Does he want to go back?

More importantly, I was just getting over this breakup, so the alleged reunion takes me by surprise. I would rather they get back together but there isn't enough Ativan in the world to ease the stress I'll feel day by day (are they okay, having fun, is he hanging with skanky blondes in bars? did they go to their Kaballah meeting). After 7 years, they do seem to have a special kind of love. Fret not. I will buckle down, get out the scotch, and pray that they rediscover the joy in their marriage.

One must always look to Danny Moder and Julia Roberts for marriage spice. They leave "angel cards" for each other around the house. Must get on the stick and do likewise. What is an angel card and how do I find one? Does it fly?

Rumors are a-swirl about Britney reviving crazy behavior on The X Factor. Doing this show might have been a mistake, though the whispers of old Brit might be Simon-hype to bring in viewers. Britney seems to excel in 10-minute increments and judging takes hours and hours. Poor girl.

Congratulations to Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni on their marriage. I love these two gingies.

So Glad I Don't Work in Television!

Dish must remain cryptic about television appearance for another week--maybe another 5 days--but TG and I did our taping today. We enjoyed our one minute of air-time, though the 5 hours of waiting without adequate snacks took its toll. Don't get me wrong, we would do it again and again. Just next time, we're bringing work and a suitcase full of breakfast and lunch. The host of the show was as cute as a bug's ear. Still, we didn't get to meet her or him. We were quarantined from all celebrities--which we understood as normal (Anderson spoiled us rotten). At this taping, I *did* recognize the brother of one of my FAVORITEST moviestars and this was enough to make me hyperventilate. Proximity to a star or shared celebrity DNA is enough for Dish! Everyone associated with Adorable Host was lovely and helpful. The makeup artist was a delight and she gave me Kris Jenner eyes, which has opened new avenues for future Sephora outings. My hair turned out like crap, and I blame my overuse of Aveda's anti-humectant pommade and the sad mistake of thinking I can live without JJ for one second (I won't make that mistake again). So I look like the Human League from 30 years ago. At least I had my moment in the sun and you'll see soon how wonderful my husband is.

Other news:

1. M.I.A. split with gazillionaire beau/babydaddy. Maybe that's what the finger was for--or just to the universe itself.

2. Real Housewives of BH Reunion 2: I hated Brandi at first but now I love her, especially since she admitted to slashing her cheating ex's tires. What a complicated person you don't want to mess with. She's like the Oracle of Delphi. A truth teller, especially on taboo topics. Power to strong women!

3. Downton Abbey: I may be killed for saying this but I'm not enjoying this season as much. All the war stuff is so depressing. Wanna make a bet William's wiener will start working again, which will disrupt all of Mary's plans? Let's get back to Bates.

4. Proposition 8 ruled unconstitutional today! Wahoo!

5. Demi Moore is in rehab and apparently not allowed to look at the scale. I won't if you won't, Demi!!! I need Spanx for my Spanx!

Donkey Sperm--Take Two

There's a chance that Fear Factor episode may be pulled due to outrage for donkeys. So many questions here. Why not use human sperm? In large quantities, this could be deemed highly disgusting especially if mixed with urine. Why not just eat sh*t? Please, Fear Factor. Sh*t hurts no one the way donkey sperm does. I still want to know how they got the donkeys to ejaculate. It was Lindsay's Playboy spread, wasn't it?

I'm digging here. All I can find for news--aside from anchorman Greg Kelly being accused of rape which I'm avoiding--is that Demi Moore might have a Red Bull addiction. Like Red Bull instead of food, which is a little like the Dish diet of Diet Coke in large quantities and nothing else. The problem is that I can't stick to my diet the way Demi can, which is why I'm not a star. Yet. I might have to go on this diet next week. Stay tuned for details.

Oh wait, there is Mary Hamer, guardian angel to convicted murderer Joran van der Sloot. She made her second appearance on Anderson this week and seemed just as insane (but fabulous television). Her reasoning for taking on this cause makes no sense aside from Desperate Woman Syndrome (I hate that I wrote that but it's written all over her face). And while she preaches peace and rehabilitation of a murderer, her facial expression conveys something positively demonic and rage-filled. Somehow, I'm sure, this all relates to donkey sperm.

Insomnia struck again and I made the colossal mistake of watching the pilot for Prison Break. Now I'm hooked. We know why. Because it's a little gay--as gay as Fox will allow--and I'm still mourning the end of Queer As Folk (7 years now). The acting/writing is not mind-blowing but I. Don't. Care.

Demi to Get Her Groove Back

Yesterday Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion" and other medical issues. I'm tired too! The gossips are fueling the fire with reports of anorexia (um, duh--but could be situational), an epileptic seizure (didn't know that), does she miss being married to David Arquette, and was substance abuse involved, specifically whip-its? The real problem is that Dish isn't there to scoop up these over-40 female celebs and plop them into my new school:

The Academy for Female Celebs Who Can't Cope with Being Over the Hill in Hollywood AFCWCCBOTHH.

My first pupils would be Heather Locklear, Courtney Love (though she's needed this since her 20s), and Demi Moore. Here are some courses:

Reinvention 101: Do as Madonna does just with a little more substance and without the ropey arms.
Substance Use in Moderation: Sometimes you might need a glass of Pinot or a Xanax, just don't take 5.
Too Much Botox Means No Oscar: But fab for reality show? What will make you famouser? Discuss.
Sexy at Any Age: Guest lectures by Jacqueline Bissett and Helen Mirren.

Dish watched The Ides of March. It's pretty good, compact, delivers a not-so-subtle message against repubs and dems, George Clooney is charming, Evan Rachel Wood and Ryan Gosling are brilliant. Hopeful politico becomes jaded and finds a way to use the system, hence why Washington is broken. Not so Oscar-ish.

Dish Is Thankful...

*for amazing powers of prediction with the marriages of Kim Kardashian, J.Lo, Demi & Ashton, Christopher Knight, Olivia Wilde and the frequent jailings in the Lohan family.

*that J.R. Martinez won Dancing with the Stars, though I knew he would from Day #1. I'm thankful not because of his service to our country, but his service to All My Children, which went off the air, for which I'm *not* thankful. The last show was an epic WTF.

*that there's a light at the end of the dark Julia tunnel that was Larry Crowne.

*that Gale Harold is employed on The Secret Circle, though the show doesn't compel me.

*that I have such a wonderful husband who married me on 1/16/11 and I'm thankful I didn't faint at the altar and only needed 1/2 of 1/2 of a tranquilizer.

*that I got to hug Anderson Cooper this year.

*that with minimal effort, I can bring back a flat stomach.

*for Born to Run by Christopher MacDougall.

*that Hillary Clinton isn't vilified as much and she's being recognized.

*for my Tom Ford glasses. Not sure if they'll be cool in six months.

*for the extra space in my accidental purchase of men's jeans a size too big.

*for my family, friends, and health.

Vavavavoom!

Do You Think Natalie Wood Slipped and Fell?

Her death has plagued me for thirty years though I hate to think that Robert Wagner had anything to do with it. I mean, he was 1/2 responsible for this masterpiece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBzcrAcOBHI. Dish thinks this was a drunken brawl gone bad and swept under the carpet. The sheriff said there were several sources with new information. Maybe TG and I should take our iPads to the boat and do some ghost-tracking ourselves. At the very least, I'll rewatch West Side Story, Splendour in the Grass and Rebel Without a Cause and honor the goddess that was Natalie. I'll cast Christina Ricci or Mila Kunis in the movie of her life.

The rumor is that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage and she was into women also. Also threesomes. And orgies while bathing in Philly cheese steaks. Please. Tell me she stuck Buzz Lightyear up his rectum and then I'll be impressed.

Here's the whitest/sickest thing I've ever seen. Scientology needs to get with the times. Their new rap song is beyond dated and Wonder Bread lame. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_K_QLUWM3X4. Diversity should be celebrated in all cults.

Paging Dr. Nick Rhodes

Oh. Not that kind of doctor, eh? Whatever! The University of Bedfordshire has upgraded Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes's title with an honorary doctorate. He is easily due for a degree as his deft use of the English language and fabulous spin have done the band proud for 30+ years. Even more admirable is his devotion/contribution to the art world. Dish is holding up her copy of Interference and yelling to Occupy Wall Street Protesters who are so close,"All hail Dr. Rhodes!"

Some incriminating texts have surfaced where Maria Yeater asks a friend to erase texts referring to her baby's real father (who is not Justin Bieber). JACKASS! If you're going to be a gold-digging liar, at least be smart about it. Dr. Rhodes would no doubt suggest a trip to the Whitney as repentance.

Thank goodness for attention-getters and social media addicts because when you're feeling blue, you feel compelled to share with the world. Medics can be at your house within seconds of your suicidal postings. Kim K's former PR person who went on record calling her marriage a sham got the gag order from Kim's lawyers and then had a mournful, self-flagellating hissy. He's getting medical attention, Thank Jesus. Dr. Rhodes would find such public suffering wasteful of a person's shining potential.

JJ just texted Dish: What do we need? A cure for turrets. When do we need it? C*nt! Dr. Rhodes would never use this vocabulary. He would gel with J.J. like cats in a bag.

Almost forgot: Demi is divorcing Ashton. I'm sure it's irreconcilable differences and they'll remain best friends.

Did You Get Your 11-11-11 On?

It was okay, this day, wasn't it? I mean Kim Zolciak from Atlanta Housewives got hitched. Everyone and their mother had the same 11-11-11 status update. Demi Moore turned 49 and is better than ever (though too skinny!). Kris Humphries has lawyered up to face the truth and dodge a massive bullet. Charmed witch Holly Marie Combs filed for divorce herself.

Dish tried to watch Boss but it looked bad. I'm not sure Kelsey Grammer can really act. Only got through two minutes. Did catch up on my Glees and see what Hershey was so a-twitter about. Agree now that Darren Criss is a god. My favorite moment was seeing the Warblers singing "Uptown Girl": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSDqzbN2-zo. Reminds me to get a ticket to "Jersey Boys." Here's another one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB1cx16TEfk&feature=related.

Beyond exhausted. As we were watching Law & Order, TG informed me that he met Jerry Orbach and Benjamin Bratt--that Bratt was especially nice. The two stars were so enthralled with TG that they invited him back "to the trailer for coffee." Probably a huge lie but you gotta give TG props for trying.

Bienvenue à la Nouvelle Sarkozy Daughtaire!

It's all about les bébé as Mr. Le Short President Sarkozy and son modèle wife (qui a slept avec Mick Jagger, le ewwww) a welcomed une petite mignone little girl aujourd'hui. Son name--we ne savons pas yet, but because ce sont les célébrités, je guess ça va être something like "Runny Brie Sarkozy" or "Get-Cozy Sarkozy" Big felicitations aux parents!

In autre bébé news: Les L&O veterans Mariska Hargitay et Peter Hermann on adopté un baby boy. Maintenant, ils ont 3 bébés. Est-ce que c'est my imagination or does Mariska devient more et more belle each year?

Une tragédie: Demi Moore a dropped beaucoup de weight. Elle est officiellement une skeletrice. Je can so relate. Quand je suis stressed, je stop eating, too. Je look awesome dans les clothes quand je don't eat, mais je feel like merde. J'espère que Demi refinds son "inner-Twinkie-eater" ASAP.

La Lohan est dans la jail parce qu'elle a effed up encore!

There's Really Nothing Going On...

Um, it's raining in NYC. TG is eating my lunch. Charlie Sheen keeps dissing his wives, then going out with them for dinner. Beyonce and Jessica Simpson have bumps. There's a moving van outside of Ashton and Demi's home. What are the real stories of the day?

Dish is packing, tying up loose ends before trip to D.C. TG always packs in the last thirty seconds and is loosey goosey about travel. I'm folding laundry, gathering my tickets, cleaning litter box. Frantic.

Will keep you abreast with all the news while I'm en route.

This Could Be a Disaster

Dishbrother and I fear that Meryl Streep's The Iron Lady will be the new Mommie Dearest. The poster is just too much. I enjoyed Meryl's Julia Child, but have the icky 6th sense her Thatcher will have us rolling in the aisles and not in a good way. Bon appetit! Scrub, Christina, scrub!!!

Day 3 of Ashgate: Demi and Ashton were caught celebrating Rosh Hashanah together today. That's MADNESS! Ash's alleged bed partner is allegly trying to make tons of money over the tryst. Did she CSI the "remains" of the lay? I wonder what Demi/Ashton are doing right now. Do they care what I'm doing? Dish is posted in front of a fan, hoping the dank heat in the apartment lifts. Oh hell, maybe it's early menopause. Cut to Samantha from Sex and the City hurling her wig into the audience and wiping her boob sweat.

Speaking of boobs, the buzz is that Chris Christie might run for Prez. As a resident of New Jersey, Dishmama is, no doubt, fuming. But can we cut the fat jokes? David Letterman did a dull, offensive top 10 that probably incensed most of America.

Justin Theroux woke up to bologna on his motorcycle. There are so many jokes one could make.

The Big C finale has blown my mind with one of those "twists." And just started watching one of 5 last episodes of All My Children. Seeing Angie and Jesse together made me sob like a jackass.

Demi & Ashton: Silence is Deadly!

You gotta wonder--no one is denying the breakup, which makes me think: 1. They might really be breaking up. 2. Someone has crabs. 3. We've been punked. 4. They are building hype for world domination. That would be so Ashton/Demi. In all of this, I envision many, many hot Twitter pics of Demi in a bikini.

So where were you when Ashton and Demi began their courtship? It must have been 2003. 9/11 still fresh, which means Dish wasn't sleeping much, along with most of NYC. I was single, long hair, getting ready for a trip to New Mexico. Dating a little but not into it, going to a Hell's Kitchen bar every Friday to ogle a bartender who had no interest in me. Not so bad really. When Ashton and Demi started dating, I felt hope that I could be a hot cougar someday. I didn't have to automatically date mildly-depressed paunchy men twenty years older than me (because that was all that responded to my online ads the second I hit 35). I couldn't envision then that I'd ever meet my own hunkalicious Prince Charming...

...or that we'd appear on Anderson Cooper's new talk show (and I do mention "Duran Duran" in the interview). Details to come. Dishmama will kill me for spilling but it's a slow news day and I'm immersed in drudgery not of a personal nature. This picture is worth the jinx. Move over, Kathy Griffin. Dish is Anderson's new BFF.

Demi and Ashton: Is It True?

An End of Days clue came last year with whispers of Ashton straying. Ash & Demi then posed seductively on Twitter afterwards, with her arms and legs all over his. Phew, marriage intact. Now there are more whispers, with Demi hinting oh so cryptically that maybe life ain't so rosy with a man who could be Dish's son (using high science). Posting/not posting on Twitter is clear evidence of clear BS to Dish. I believe all was done for a while. Most stars break up. I just want to know...when will Bruce and Demi get back together?

RHoBH: New housewives Brandi Glanville is branding herself as a bitch, but I'm so over it. There are enough bitches in the housewives franchise. How is she different? Does she read books? It's sad to see how Taylor *is* getting frighteningly skinny. I say, send her and her daughter to Canyon Ranch for at least six months. I'll join!

A List New York: I keep saying I'll stop watching but I can't. It's Gay White Trash.

Dr. Conrad Murray's trial is happening. My problem with this is, yes, he was probably irresponsible. But so many other doctors are involved...and Michael Jackson did the bulk of the damage to himself in his adult years.