Why Is Everyone Being an A-Hole Today?

Is it just me? Rushers rushed down the stairs as if I weren't there. I seemed to say the wrong thing and with my scratchy voice, it never sounds good. Cellphoneaholics blocked my path to and from my destination. The treadmill didn't want me. And mostly, I've encountered snappish humans who've made me snappish. Screw you all!

Now that that's out of the way.

Maybe I'm upset because I am resisting Glee. I don't want to get hooked into another season yet the guilt might make me cave. Then again, if I turn on the TV, it might interrupt someone's more important work. All I do is flit and flutter about.

Alison Pill must be drunk, desperate and off meds since she accidentally tweeted her tatas to the world. There are no accidents and she caught us yawning. I liked her in Milk and In Treatment but I've lost all respect for anything she's done. Who's next, Susan Sarandon? Actually, that would be okay. She has great jugs!

I'll have to watch this mess on Dr. Phil. And you think I'm slurring and out of it. Cannot wait to see Dr. Phil therapize the one who bore a culture killer.

Sally Struthers busted DUI.

Some scoop from Katie's new show and the episode with J.Lo. Allegedly, J.Lo was gorgeous and friendly with fans. But Katie was on edge and didn't seem to jibe with J.Lo, like something was "off." Maybe J.Lo demanded too much, i.e. Vitamin Water, monogrammed M&Ms and peppermint flavored laxatives, in her dressing room. Dish is applying for free tickets IMMEDIATELY.

Since I heard Daniel Day Lewis was playing Lincoln, I was itching for a trailer. Sadly, the vomitatious Spielberg music and self-righteous over-acting might make me skip this in favor of The Master.

Seeing Stars?

Dish stumbled to feed the cat at 3:41am and hit the noggin' hard against the wall, which felt like the kitchen. The bruise on my forehead plagued me all day. Fear not, a little mugwort fixed that right up*.

So, after ditching Hugh Hefner at the altar last year, Crystal Harris moved back into the Playboy Mansion, resuming scrotal excavations. I can only think of their love in filthy terms, but then what is dirtier than love of money? Is this true love or I-couldn't-make-it-on-my-own-itis?

To erase all complex musings, I continued my Ally McBeal journey Take 2 and am now at the point (season 3) where Calista and Portia are scary, scary skinny. This didn't phase me in 2000 since I had the same upper body. THINGS CHANGE ONCE YOU TURN 40...and that's okay no it's not.

I won't mention anything about Scout Willis being arrested in NYC for underage drinking. This is one of the problems of being a starchild. Suri Cruise is SOOOO going to jail at some point. Though I hope not.

I'm a little nervous as we near the end of The Shield (two seasons left) but tonight we might get our television-crack, The Glee Project. I'm not into it, but TG is. He hates Glee, though. Go fig!

*bonus points if you know which movie this comes from.

She's My Hero!

Ryan Seacrest caused a stir by possibly not hosting American Idol due to stomach flu. But now she's my role model because she did the show and now I will too even if I can't breathe due to flowering juniper in the air which turns me into the Scratchy Queen of the Watering Eyes.

In other news, Barack is being groovy with Jimmy Fallon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAFQIciWsF4. Barack's a little stiff, but Jimmy and the Roots have it going on.

I'm eager to know what Hershey thought of last night's Glee. Kurt definitely took several stupid pills but let's hope it resulted in lots of spontaneous makeout sessions.

The John Edwards trial seems to be revealing the ick of this man. What could he possibly do except get sh*ttier haircuts to show he's not such an elitist douche.

Happier: Katherine Heigl and Josh adopted again.
Happier still: Jason Trawick is now her Britney Spears's conservator. I want a conservator. I'm tired of writing checks and ordering takeout--I mean, cooking hot meals for my man. Can't someone hire someone to do all this for me? Jason and Papa Spears, your services are needed here. Britney and I would totally get along.

Wasn't Matt Bomer amazing on Glee?

Best line: "I'm going to pour you a tall glass of 'this is how it is.'" I've never seen White Collar, but Bomer is freaking funny. His chemistry with Criss worked well, too. If the show could be just Jane, Darren and Matt, I'd be happy. Dish lost consciousness seeing Jane Lynch sing along to "Rio." Jane and Duran Duran combined: like farting/sneezing at the same time, i.e. too much happiness released in one moment. I couldn't take it.

As brilliant as he is, Alec Baldwin can't seem to escape his woman problems (I can't quit Altoids). The drama over his alleged stalker continues. Alec sarcasti-Tweeted about The Post's mean girl (whom I find wildly entertaining) Andrea Peyser's journalistic integrity. She answered with an even more vicious column. Dish's advice for Alec: Ditch Yoga and knock AP's boots already! JK. It's hard when Mommy and Daddy fight.

During my lunch break, had to see on Radaronline 10 female celebrities with cellulite, not to judge but to relate...heavily. We mortals can sometimes share a bond more meaningful than a 25M movie deal. It's called cottage cheese legs.

Gossip Girl: Dishcousin and I agreed that Rufus put his balls in a Dixie cup and handed them to Lily when they got married. Must look to Dan and Chuck for seething masculinity in contemporary elitist Manhattan. Blair and Lily continue to be my imaginary BFFs.

Smash (spoiler alert): Shining moment occurs as Anjelica Huston sucks face with the handsome bartender from All My Children. I was a little turned on and repulsed, as I would be watching DishGramma kissing George Clooney. I like the idea but the image would embed itself in my consciousness, felling me during random moments.

4 and 1/2 Hours Until...

Duran Duran Mash-Up on Glee tonight. Bomer and Criss do Le Bon. For the love of Simon, John, Nick, Roger and Dom, let it be awesome!

Can you feel the rage of Alec Baldwin's stalker? I'm fascinated by stalker language (I must see you, let's have a baby, I need your baby). This one's slightly intelligent, only because she got herself on the front page of The Post (Dish's dream), tarnishing Baldwin's engagement glow. The problem is that stalker's fifteen minutes should last about two since her repertoire is kinda skimpy. Stalker needs to spread her seed, seek out other stars and then gossip about it with friends, build her entourage and rep, minimizing her lame stalking. No man wants a woman who's chasing after him, calling him constantly. The Rules go double with a celebrity. Like I know...

Half Pint hurt herself on DWTS--and no Ma and Pa to tend to her wounds!

Amanda Bynes, stop drinking and get back to work. We want What a Girl Wants II. She is so darling. I hate to imagine her loaded on whiskey sours.

Bikini shot of Julia and I noticed...a tattoo in the bitch spot. You know what this means, don't you? Dish needs one.

Santorum dropping out of race. Hmmmmm. VP candidate?

And who is this new group One Direction? Do I need to know about them? Am still pondering the cultural relevance of Justin Bieber (the haircut is getting olddddd).

Ps. Today Steven Seagal turns really old.

166 Hours Until the Duran Duran Mash-up on Glee!

Young triple threats Darren Criss and Matt Bomer will sing Duran Duran on Glee next Tuesday. Can you think of anything better? My hope is that their song doesn't leak. Dish is having too much fun imagining what they'll sing. Is anyone Hungry to go to Rio?

So, Sarah Palin is on TV, Levi Johnson knocked up his girlfriend, Obama is campaigning. It must be 2008. It isn't? Oh, thank GOD!!!! What a difference four years can make, n'est-ce pas?

Where were you when you heard that Ashton Kutcher would play Steve Jobs? I read the news and promptly forgot it...until now. My reaction is mixed: I want Ashton to grow into a fine actor and hope this role does it. He looks the part, but can he pull it off? He'll need to go on a diet...which could win him an Oscar.

Titanic 3-D. I'm ashamed that when I saw the trailer, I had tears running down my cheeks. TG never noticed. It's such a crappy movie, yet moved the world. Do I dare break my revolt against 3-D and see it?

Last night's Smash: Who got goosebumps over the trailer for next week's Uma Thurman appearance? Cannot wait! I wish I weren't so hooked on the show. It's a mistake.

I am officially ending the reign of the Housewives. They've all gotten to be so very boring. Erasing DVR after the millionth staged ladies lunch and mud run...

How Do The Stars Cope With Stress?

If only I knew how Julia or Sandra or Nicole dealt with stress, maybe it would help me. Dish tends to stop eating and sleeping at the merest twitch in the universe. I haven't eaten a full meal in four days. No pills help during agita (though my agita tends to be small potatoes). The whole Rx-booze way of coping seems so mundane and TMZ--though I am guilty of the easy way out sometimes. So what do celebrities do when they really lose their sh*t and need some courage?

I hear Jennifer Aniston hates to fly, and yet she does. How does she get herself on the plane? Adele has terrible anxiety before her performances--so how does she do it? I don't have challenges nearly as big and yet such little things make me crumble. The big things, well, I tend to breeze through them (i.e. public speaking, dentistry, death). All stress-relieving anecdotes and suggestions welcome--as long as not the usual "lots of exercise and fresh veggies." I already do this. And the fish oil, magnesium, manicures, meditation. Maybe a lot of $$$ and vacation would help.

My go-to cure for stress is to watch the stars in action. When I befriended Frank Miller many years ago, he seemed a reclusive type but lots of fun out on the town. I asked him, "How do you go out and appear in public at events?" He responded that he had to invent a new personality for himself.

Ergo, to alleviate stress, one needs to act, i.e. be a celebrity. Problem solved.

Oh...and Duran Duran relieves my stress almost instantly. Their songs will be covered on Glee April 10th, which is also Steven Seagal's birthday, in case you were wondering.

Happy Valentine's Day from Latest Sufferer of Acquired Situational Narcissism!

It's true: Dish and TG have the syndrome suffered only by celebrities. We've spent the entire day watching ourselves on The Rachael Ray Show over and over again -- to the point where hearing Rachael Ray say our names is as normal/expected as Dishcat whizzing on the couch (a daily event). We loved our moment in the sun. Oh what's this, TG is replaying the clip again! We love Rachael.

On Whitney watch: Her broken vessel was flown to New Jersey. How gruesome and yet details I kinda wanna know. You look at the hearse and think, she's in there. The speculation and blame continues. Was it murder? Nancy Grace asks. Whitney wanted to die, Bill O'Reilly claims. CNN reported is poorly, says Jon Stewart. I'm done. Ready to celebrate the good Whitney times.

Disastrous: I just read a Radaronline spoiler for The Bachelor and am now thoroughly deflated. I also wonder if it's a lie. If not, I foresee a marital disaster! Bring on Emily Maynard STAT.

Matt Bomer: has come out, just in time to appear on Glee. Why do I have to wait until April for his Duran Duran episode? I won't make it. Darren Darren, Finn, Jane Lynch and the OCD guidance counselor are the only ones keeping me going.

I hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day. For 40 years, it seemed a bizarre, often cruel holiday. Now it's bearable if you focus on loved ones and chocolate. With TG, every day is a gift.

Ricky Martin Still She-Bangs!

Dish was *this* close to giving up Glee forever (because the Michael episode was lackluster and they gave Darren Criss a pitiful eyepatch and keep him far too mute in general) when Ricky Martin appeared in the next episode--and Jane Lynch* talked about freezing her own eggs in the 70s so that she could bear a child with a student's donated spunk. Ricky's part was small but he himself was larger than life, showing viewers what Sexy looks like--even fifteen years after he was The Thing and my office mates slobbered over his Vida Loca. Okay, I'll admit, when I first saw him all those years ago, I thought, my goodness, he resembles Dish's first BF ever way back a million years ago--a big reason to sort of dislike him. But since then, Ricky has surpassed my negative nostalgia, creating his own legend in my mind. Watching him dance and sing makes me happy. He was born to entertain and be awesome. Enjoy this trip to the past and know that he just got better with age. And the frosted tips gave him away: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p47fEXGabaY.

*I have mentionitis when it comes to Jane. The purple track suit was to die for!

Did You Get Your 11-11-11 On?

It was okay, this day, wasn't it? I mean Kim Zolciak from Atlanta Housewives got hitched. Everyone and their mother had the same 11-11-11 status update. Demi Moore turned 49 and is better than ever (though too skinny!). Kris Humphries has lawyered up to face the truth and dodge a massive bullet. Charmed witch Holly Marie Combs filed for divorce herself.

Dish tried to watch Boss but it looked bad. I'm not sure Kelsey Grammer can really act. Only got through two minutes. Did catch up on my Glees and see what Hershey was so a-twitter about. Agree now that Darren Criss is a god. My favorite moment was seeing the Warblers singing "Uptown Girl": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSDqzbN2-zo. Reminds me to get a ticket to "Jersey Boys." Here's another one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB1cx16TEfk&feature=related.

Beyond exhausted. As we were watching Law & Order, TG informed me that he met Jerry Orbach and Benjamin Bratt--that Bratt was especially nice. The two stars were so enthralled with TG that they invited him back "to the trailer for coffee." Probably a huge lie but you gotta give TG props for trying.

Oscar Hissies

The big news is that Brett Ratner resigned/was fired from producing the Oscars after many offensive comments. Was it the fag remark rather than his usual--often violent--misogyny that did him in? He always struck me as a Gigantic Tool, but the world is so politically correct. No one can say anything. Worst of all, Eddie is gone, too! He would have been an interesting host. Make no mistake, I find Ratner to be a vile creature but I still hate that this happened.

Herman Cain: More sexual harassment charges. He says he'd take a lie detector test. Oh really? Speaking of pizza, Mariah has lost her baby weight. Wonder when it'll come back on because she yoyos--which I'm all for because that's reality. I'm told Glee was positively gorgeous last night. Was sex and Darren Criss involved?

Dish is going to read Sartre's Les Mots, about some chick who becomes crazy when she hangs out with someone crazy. I will read in the original French because It's French Existentialist Wednesday!

Happy Birthday, France and Jane Lynch!

Emmy awards were announced and here's the list: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/14/2011-emmy-nominations-63r_n_898094.html Who are you rooting for? To be honest, Dish has been so busy, there's no time to scrutinize the nominees. All I cared about was The Killing.

Apparently, Chris Colfer, Corey Montheim and Lea Michele won't return after next season for Glee. Room for other stars? What about Dish and TG? We just discovered new singing software on our iPads and had a song-fest last night. I'm told I can't sing...

Daniel Baldwin seems to have married a drunken, violence wackadoo. Divorce filed and I hope he gets out before an episode of Snapped airs. That family has the worst luck with their relationships. Just discovered Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? Love it!

Update on Brooke Mueller's photograph with what looked like smoking paraphernalia. She alleges she wasn't smoking crack, just pot which was prescribed for anxiety. Hey, I have anxiety too.

It's official: Kim Kardashian is getting married August 20th. Another ass off the market.

Most of all, Happy Birthday to the great Jane Lynch, who keeps Dish in stitches every time she's on a screen. Though she did some wonderful dramatic work on Criminal Minds, as well.