Because I can't vote for Hillary...

Along with these celebrity women, I will shamelessly endorse Obama especially since Gloria Steinem and Jane Lynch are for him and I'll do anything for those bitches. Are you ready for the debates? I'm so excited I couldn't sleep these last three days. Just call me CNN's whore. I might wander over to FOX so that I can be balanced.

Leave it to the media to pit two women against each other, though it seems to be real fighting. Nicki and Mariah are practically bar-brawling on American Idol. Do I hear the sound of shrinking testicles? As much as Mariah is a diva, Nicki is just being trashy and immature. She's new to the business. If I were her, I'd let Mariah be in the spotlight, otherwise, Nicki's going to make enemies and everyone will hate her. If you don't have love, you're left with talent and she doesn't seem to have much of that. Mariah, at least, has a great voice--though her vibrato is irritating. Oh well, Dish is only interested in catching glimpses of Nicole Kidman in the audience Keith Urban's serene countenance.

TG made a delicious Coq au Vin yesterday. What did I do to deserve this angel?

Tommy Lee is 50. He's an adorable metal dork. Remember his going-back-to-school reality show? Loved it!

The Roast of Roseanne

I wasn't a big watcher of Roseanne (it was a little too real for Dish) but I appreciate all the good that Roseanne Barr has contributed to this world. She does have one of the best laughs in existence. Hillary Clinton's boozy bar laugh is a close #2. The celebrity roasts are really really mean, not with light fun-poking, but mean and wounding zingers. I kinda hate them.

Here's the rundown of Roseanne roast's jokes:

Wayne Brady: He's black, potentially gay, talented but no career. Mostly just black--hahahahaha
Carrie Fisher: Druggie, was Princess Leia, now insane. What happened? ahahahahahaha
All the women over 50: Menopause, hahahhahahaha
Seth Green: He's short, hahahahahhhahahaha

But then, there was Jane Lynch. As you know, I can't resist her. She's like that cupcake I see in the window and must have. I read her book, watched all her movies, only tolerate Glee for her (and Darren Criss!!). Jane is the greatest. When I found out she was roastmistress, I had to see. Of course, Jane got the lesbian/vagina jokes.

The main reason to watch was Tom Arnold, Roseanne's ex. If you were conscious in the 90s, you saw the wild chemistry between them, like two firecrackers on an endless 4th of July bender. Tom is hilarious (Exit Wounds!) and I loved them together. Their divorce was a nightmare. So the fact that he would appear on stage with her after 18 years of bad blood gave me goosebumps. He did not disappoint with his light teasing and final acknowledgment of how Roseanne changed his life. Worth it for those few minutes. And Gilbert Gottfried.

Maybe there's hope for all of us to get along.

Fifty Shades of L.A. Dish

Kissin', Smackin' and Collapsin'

Will Smith smacked a reporter for kissin' him. I might have done the same thing. You just don't kiss a star without permission unless you're a star yourself. Stars can take liberties and kiss without the consent of a Little Person. If you really want to get celebu-kissed, play by The Rules. Know that in all likelihood, you'll remain kiss-less but this is far less demeaning than a smack. Then again, the smacked reporter is now FAMOUS.

Chyna the female wrestler turned porn actress collapsed at a porn convention. I never thought I'd ever write this sentence. Remember the good old days when Chyna and Michael Knight's model fiancee (Adrianne?) were on The Surreal Life? I weep over those precious memories. We've got a downward spiral here. Can somebody help?

And now, because Jane Lynch is my kryptonite (I just can't resist her), here is 10 minutes of her for my your viewing pleasure: http://video.msnbc.msn.com/the-rachel-maddow-show/47454909#47454909. I don't even care what she's saying. Maddow harshes my mellow. I'm in the minority.

Wasn't Matt Bomer amazing on Glee?

Best line: "I'm going to pour you a tall glass of 'this is how it is.'" I've never seen White Collar, but Bomer is freaking funny. His chemistry with Criss worked well, too. If the show could be just Jane, Darren and Matt, I'd be happy. Dish lost consciousness seeing Jane Lynch sing along to "Rio." Jane and Duran Duran combined: like farting/sneezing at the same time, i.e. too much happiness released in one moment. I couldn't take it.

As brilliant as he is, Alec Baldwin can't seem to escape his woman problems (I can't quit Altoids). The drama over his alleged stalker continues. Alec sarcasti-Tweeted about The Post's mean girl (whom I find wildly entertaining) Andrea Peyser's journalistic integrity. She answered with an even more vicious column. Dish's advice for Alec: Ditch Yoga and knock AP's boots already! JK. It's hard when Mommy and Daddy fight.

During my lunch break, had to see on Radaronline 10 female celebrities with cellulite, not to judge but to relate...heavily. We mortals can sometimes share a bond more meaningful than a 25M movie deal. It's called cottage cheese legs.

Gossip Girl: Dishcousin and I agreed that Rufus put his balls in a Dixie cup and handed them to Lily when they got married. Must look to Dan and Chuck for seething masculinity in contemporary elitist Manhattan. Blair and Lily continue to be my imaginary BFFs.

Smash (spoiler alert): Shining moment occurs as Anjelica Huston sucks face with the handsome bartender from All My Children. I was a little turned on and repulsed, as I would be watching DishGramma kissing George Clooney. I like the idea but the image would embed itself in my consciousness, felling me during random moments.

Happy Valentine's Day from Latest Sufferer of Acquired Situational Narcissism!

It's true: Dish and TG have the syndrome suffered only by celebrities. We've spent the entire day watching ourselves on The Rachael Ray Show over and over again -- to the point where hearing Rachael Ray say our names is as normal/expected as Dishcat whizzing on the couch (a daily event). We loved our moment in the sun. Oh what's this, TG is replaying the clip again! We love Rachael.

On Whitney watch: Her broken vessel was flown to New Jersey. How gruesome and yet details I kinda wanna know. You look at the hearse and think, she's in there. The speculation and blame continues. Was it murder? Nancy Grace asks. Whitney wanted to die, Bill O'Reilly claims. CNN reported is poorly, says Jon Stewart. I'm done. Ready to celebrate the good Whitney times.

Disastrous: I just read a Radaronline spoiler for The Bachelor and am now thoroughly deflated. I also wonder if it's a lie. If not, I foresee a marital disaster! Bring on Emily Maynard STAT.

Matt Bomer: has come out, just in time to appear on Glee. Why do I have to wait until April for his Duran Duran episode? I won't make it. Darren Darren, Finn, Jane Lynch and the OCD guidance counselor are the only ones keeping me going.

I hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day. For 40 years, it seemed a bizarre, often cruel holiday. Now it's bearable if you focus on loved ones and chocolate. With TG, every day is a gift.

Ricky Martin Still She-Bangs!

Dish was *this* close to giving up Glee forever (because the Michael episode was lackluster and they gave Darren Criss a pitiful eyepatch and keep him far too mute in general) when Ricky Martin appeared in the next episode--and Jane Lynch* talked about freezing her own eggs in the 70s so that she could bear a child with a student's donated spunk. Ricky's part was small but he himself was larger than life, showing viewers what Sexy looks like--even fifteen years after he was The Thing and my office mates slobbered over his Vida Loca. Okay, I'll admit, when I first saw him all those years ago, I thought, my goodness, he resembles Dish's first BF ever way back a million years ago--a big reason to sort of dislike him. But since then, Ricky has surpassed my negative nostalgia, creating his own legend in my mind. Watching him dance and sing makes me happy. He was born to entertain and be awesome. Enjoy this trip to the past and know that he just got better with age. And the frosted tips gave him away: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p47fEXGabaY.

*I have mentionitis when it comes to Jane. The purple track suit was to die for!

Happy Birthday, Dolly Parton!

Words to live by from Mistress Dolly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKeulwZ3sGE. This song got me through a very bumpy plane ride to Canada. She was adorable on the talk show by He Who Is No Longer Mentioned.

Politics are the new soap opera: Rick Perry has dropped out, Newt Gingrich's wife spilled about his wanting a open marriage and being an overall dick, Santorum actually won Iowa, and there's a debate tonight. It's epic WTF time in the Grand OLD Party!

During lunch trolling, I saw a pic of Snooki without makeup. Being a catty female, I never say this, but she's BEAUTIFUL without makeup. I was transfixed.

Today's rumor--that Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter back together and were caught canoodling. This would make me so happy. This past season of Dexter, you could see the strain. She seemed way too thin and he wasn't as dynamic (or maybe I'm adapting observation to fit this rumor). Please let them be back together! Let's double the incest vibe already on the show.

I just fainted: Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell as Rachel Berry's gay dads on Glee. Ryan Murphy should get a medal for bringing together two tall drinks of water who are perversely attractive to me: Jane Lynch and Jeff Goldblum. Please put them in bed together for a drunken The Next Best Thing twist.

Dish's 2012 Wishes and Predictions

1. Julia Roberts will make a romantic comedy -- something light and fluffy where she will laugh uproariously and spout repeatable lines. Please, Julia! (Sean Penn should do one too because he's still kind of hot--well, he reminds me a lot of TG--and you two would be great)
2. Sofia Vergara will win SOMETHING. She is amazing and needs recognition pronto. Don't judge her because her melones fairly pop out of her dresses.
3. Annoyances will fade from our psychic landscape: the Kardashians (still like Kris Jenner, though), the Lohans
4. Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani will run for President which will make us laugh even harder at the parade of fools in this campaign.
5. Mad Men, Dexter, The Closer, and Breaking Bad will shock our faces off with amazing new seasons.
6. Please God, let me not even turn on The Bachelor which premieres January 16th. I got so screwed last year with Brad and Emily.
7. I will meet a huge celebrity (2011 brought Anderson Cooper but we can aim higher--especially since HE NEVER AIRED OUR SHOW).
8. Queer As Folk will return. Please? Even if Gale and Hal don't mesh.
9. A tabloid, production company, star will hire me as a consultant and overall delight. I am an expert.
10. An A-lister will fart on The View and it won't be Whoopi.
11. Demi will find true love again before Ashton and she'll stick with the kids.
12. Demi and Courtney Cox will look even more alike in 2012 thanks to a new treatment developed in Switzerland.
13. Derek Jeter will finally get married.
14. Hillary Clinton and her ever-growing blond locks will find even more success as she rises higher. More streakers will parade through official events and she will laugh like a bar floozy, which we love.
15. An A-list divorce will shock the hell out of everyone.
16. January Jones reveals the Lord as the father of her child.
17. Britney gets pregnant and married.
18. Olivia Wilde will leave Jason Sudeikis in the dust for someone more famous...and off limits.
19. Jane Lynch will do a dramatic role that has us gasping in wonder. Okay, I'm projecting here. I basically want people I like to rule the world. Is there anything wrong with that?
20. Getting back to Julia, she and I will embark on a lacy-beaded shawl knitting pattern this year. Race ya.
21. Bryan Cranston will be declared God.
22. I'm going to have a beer.

Happy Anniversary, TG, + 3 Days!

Dish hasn't been in much of a party mood and, truth be told, I'm so ready for this year to end, as wonderful as it was. What made it wonderful? Well, obviously, I married a gem. He puts up with a lot of BS from me, and with good humor. For the two-year anniversary of when he flew here from Switzerland to live with me immediately after not seeing me for 26 years (look at post from 12/17/09), he got me gems! Gorgeous blue topaz earrings with little diamonds. I've never been that into jewelry but this is changing FAST. Having such a great guy fall so unexpectedly into my life makes me endlessly lucky.

Because I'm twisted and it's the only news of the day, two couples who didn't end up so lucky but had a good run: Sam Shepherd and Jessica Lange -- together since 1982 -- split. This doesn't surprise me. Debra Messing and her husband split as well after, if I do the math, what could be 18 years together. A college try.

Just finished Jane Lynch's auto-bio and am sad that it ended. I see that she sponsors B&N's Nook. Must change over immediately!

Loving Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch...

Dish has been in a deep pit of despair. The holidays and I don't get along. Plus, I've received more reminders that I'm old. Life has passed me by. I have nothing to look forward to. In fact, I have awful things to look forward to. These thoughts come despite knowing that I'm lucky as sh*t. I have health, great husband, family, friends, roof over head.

So, I go for a sure-thing when it comes to depression cure-all and instantaneous happiness. Jane Lynch. Her book Happy Accidents is a hoot. I can hear her voice narrating in my head and that makes things better. That and Angry Birds. My editor hat feels there's a lot of "tell, tell, tell" in the book but I like reading about a celebrity who isn't a complete freak, who doesn't live life in a toilet, doesn't rage and ruin hotel rooms and has read a book if not several. I love Jane even more now that I know her life story.

Another sure-thing: Alan Rickman. So I went and booked myself a seat to see him in Seminar during my solo holiday week. See's Candy helps but I overdosed last night and woke up with severe sugar withdrawal.

And now, back to work...

Khloe and Lamar Will Do Dallas!

I've never watched their show but I know they are going to Dallas. They're allegedly getting fertility treatments and they have sex...a lot. Every clip I turn on (not often, I swear) that Khloe is talking about banging. Good for her but you have to do something else. When he retires, I worry about all that time together. Well, I really don't. Who knew these kids would make it!?

This weekend, I needed a mood-boost so I started reading Jane Lynch's Happy Accidents. So far, nice parents, gawky childhood, big lesbian secret, drinking at an early age. In my gaggle of imaginary best friends, you need one crowd-pleaser and Jane is it for me. Every time she's on screen, I can't help but smile. In fact, let's watch this (warning--contains the F word a few times): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vV_drM1jW58&list=HL1323643214&feature=mh_lolz.

New Year's Eve is #1 at the B.O. So many stars in one movie. It's bound to be bad (Evening, Valentine's Day), but juicy. Must see!

Deep Thoughts on the Emmys

Why are award shows so lame? The writers just aren't funny, the stars are acting same-old and the speeches are repetitive. How many times can you hear, "I didn't prepare anything to say. I didn't think I would win." Dish likes scandal and crazy at her awards-- like Meryl Streep saying she needs to do yoga or Jack Nicholson's talking through his butt or, yes, Ricky Gervais who makes the stars/audience tense. I love Jane Lynch. I thought she did a good job as hostess--especially the "why I'm a lesbian" and introducing the cast of Entourage, but the show dragged. Cut Emmytones, SNL dance/song number--make it a 2-hour show.

Highlights: Charlie Sheen was gracious indeed. Some lovely dresses, though Christina Hendricks's boobies are two giant air bags squashed into a dress. I couldn't look at anything else. Rainn Wilson tweeted his rage that Steve Carrell didn't get an Emmy and I'm right with him there. Kathy Griffin--looking great in red--kissed Ryan Seacrest, an abomination.

Dish was on vacation today and, aside from speculating about Jennifer Aniston being preggo or not (wearing big coat does NOT help!), watched Limitless. I still believe--for no reason--that Bradley Cooper tortures small animals (his French is better than mine so must hate him!) but keep giving him a chance. He is competent in this sh*t-fest that is an obvious reference to our current drug culture. It might have been more interesting if Billy Crudup had been cast. Robert De Niro does his usual mentoring and you have to wonder why he's in so many crappy movies. The biggest philosophical question Dish must raise: If we can take a pill to realize our fullest potential, doesn't that mean no contact with others? When you bring the hell that is other people into the mix, that renders us vulnerable and imperfect. OMG, whole point of movie. Brilliance.

That took so much effort. Time for Dancing with the Stars!!!

Blessings on Dolores Hope who passed away at 102.

All About Weiners

As SJP says in First Wives Club, it's class all the way: Tareq Salahi is filing for divorce against his fellow famewhoring spouse and claims that Journey guitarist Neal Schon sent him a pic of his wang to flaunt the affair. In other penis news: the penis on Mila Kunis cell phone, which had been hacked, was NOT that of Justin Timberlake. Then in other shocking reports, Melissa Rivers's BF -- Name? Does it really matter? -- is out of the picture when caught appearing in adult picture.

I will attempt to clean my mind with a belated viewing of The Secret Circle. Review to come.

The Emmy's are on Sunday. My girl Jane Lynch is hosting.

Nothing Against Irene...

...but reaction to her has already annoyed me. I know, catastrophes make you reach out to others. Though with 9/11, Facebook hadn't been an issue. You were out of touch, but you called and emailed people. Now it's the FB status updates that are setting off my stereotypical red-headed temper: "Light rain so far..." "Oh...it's looking gloomy." "OMG, so bored." So am I. Maybe it's that everyone has become a broadcaster (including me), maybe it's because even the broadcasters are melodramatic. Maybe it's because I'm in Canada and can't experience the anxiety firsthand. People are vulnerable so one should be compassionate. Right now I'm Irened out and she hasn't really hit NYC. Though...I will admit FB did prove useful with getting married and knowing that I lived through an earthquake that I didn't feel. Never mind my bad mood.

So enough kvetching, Dish, what's new in celebrity land? There's some news that Ricky Gervais might host the Golden Globes again. I say, Halleluliah! He's one of the few hosts who isn't politically correct and kissing an audience's ass. I hope, hope, hope Jane Lynch is the same for the Emmys. But, yes, please bring on Ricky to make stars remember how privileged they are to wear beautiful clothes and be in movies/television and make...um...art.

I had the fortune of seeing the trailer for Fireflies in the Garden where Julia plays a MOTHER to Ryan Reynolds. I can't tell if it's good, but we do know it's another Serious Julia Movie, where in the crux of the turmoil, she will cry beautifully and at some point, flash her brilliant smile: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=81556.

Happy Birthday, France and Jane Lynch!

Emmy awards were announced and here's the list: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/14/2011-emmy-nominations-63r_n_898094.html Who are you rooting for? To be honest, Dish has been so busy, there's no time to scrutinize the nominees. All I cared about was The Killing.

Apparently, Chris Colfer, Corey Montheim and Lea Michele won't return after next season for Glee. Room for other stars? What about Dish and TG? We just discovered new singing software on our iPads and had a song-fest last night. I'm told I can't sing...

Daniel Baldwin seems to have married a drunken, violence wackadoo. Divorce filed and I hope he gets out before an episode of Snapped airs. That family has the worst luck with their relationships. Just discovered Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? Love it!

Update on Brooke Mueller's photograph with what looked like smoking paraphernalia. She alleges she wasn't smoking crack, just pot which was prescribed for anxiety. Hey, I have anxiety too.

It's official: Kim Kardashian is getting married August 20th. Another ass off the market.

Most of all, Happy Birthday to the great Jane Lynch, who keeps Dish in stitches every time she's on a screen. Though she did some wonderful dramatic work on Criminal Minds, as well.

Pink Raincoats Everywhere in NYC--I Want One, Too!

OMG, nothing going on in celebuworld. Lady Gaga is everywhere, Miley getting a tattoo, latest action-hunk walking his little dog. Jennifer Aniston's doggie died. Ahnold's babymama has been revealed and it's the housekeeper. Camille and Kelsey Grammer are fighting for sole custody (what a joke!) and Maria went on Oprah. Will you be watching Oprah's last few shows?

Just watched last night's Glee and it made me cry buckets. Jane Lynch is not only a hot, mean mama, but she is a real actress.

Pray for Zsa Zsa Gabor who is in a coma--and, of course, Simon Le Bon who has been struck down by laryngitis (a sexy affliction--Dish had it and sounded like Lauren Bacall with laryngitis) and SHOWS WERE CANCELED.

Dish Dream Come True: Jane Lynch Writing Memoir!

I can't imagine anything more titillating: Jane Lynch on my Kindle. Her memoir (published by Hyperion) is scheduled for September 2011 release. I cannot wait that long.

And if my day couldn't get better, it seems Ricky Gervais was asked back to host the Golden Globes again! Bahahahahah! Did Dish call it or what? So predictable and now I pronounce Ricky The Smartest Comedian of All Time. He knows how to work the system. Update: Jokes on me, it was a rumor. I can dream, can't I?

The cap on Tuesday: Barbara Bush (the granddaughter of "Bar") endorses gay marriage.

Do You Have Your Alarm Clock Set for Duran Duran?

They will be on The Today Show tomorrow between 7-9am, most likely promoting their latest album: "All You Need Is Now"--which will bring them up more frequently in Google searches for The Beatles "All You Need Is Love." Excellent strategizing, boys! With new album, a tour is sure to follow. Getting palpitations already...

Gwyneth Paltrow: I enjoy her when she's being funny and have wanted her to sing more since her touching performance in Duets. For those who haven't seen this week's Glee, she's comedy in motion but fast-forward to the last four minutes--unless you love Jane Lynch, which Dish does.

Star Sighting--Twilight's Peter Facinelli

23rd/7th Ave, 5:02pm: Dish was in full business-suit regalia, salivating over the possibility of a latte when lo Peter Facinelli whizzed by. He looks about 25 years old, very cute in a college-boy sort of way. No eye contact made even with Dish boring a hole through him. Hard to believe he's father to three kids, though no problem visualizing him with her royal 90210 highness gorgeous Jenny Garth.

The Lord giveth and He taketh away: Lindsay failed a drug test, but then she's scheduled not to make us laugh on SNL this December. Can't they just have Jane Lynch host for the entire fall?

Shock through the heart: Because we don't care enough to buy her projects, Nadya Suleman is going on welfare. Better yet would be to let these children grow up in a loving home where they're not part of a factory. TG and I could easily take one, though it better not touch any of our beer.