I Can't Stop Watching "Army Wives"!

It's my cousin's fault for suggesting this excellent series that takes place on an army post, where wives get together, bond, drink wine and name their lady parts. My weekend is chock-full.

This morning I began with Taken 2. You know something? 60-something action heroes rule! Even though he's wearing skunk fur on his head, Liam Neeson is bad ass.

I end with the trailer for August: Osage County. My verdict: Julia tries really hard to be a normal person but sorry, FAILURE. She is as perfect and gorgeous as ever (and Meryl does some fab scenery chewing!).

Looking for reviews of The Great Gatsby. Have the feeling it's bleh. Tobey and Leo, really? I like them in certain projects, like Cider House Rules and The Departed respectively. I don't see how they could outshine Sam Waterston and Robert Redford. I just don't, not even with Baz's pomp and circumstance. Did like his Romeo & Juliet, though.

What Really Happened with Hillary

When Hillary took this picture with Meryl Streep, I got suspicious. Meryl is such a troublemaker. She gets into everyone's business with her flashy smile and I-don't-care-about-fame facade. You know she wants to topple governments. Meryl set out to seduce Hillary or at least fog her up so that she had no idea how to deal with Libya. MS could secretly be on Boehner's payroll though I haven't confirmed. In a gigantic lover's spat--I'm guessing a pool of strawberry jello was involved and lots of bikinis--Meryl knocked Hillary to the ground and gave her the concussion. The stomach virus was pure BS, like Bolton said. And the reason why Chelsea looks so distraught coming out of the hospital is not over her mother's health. No, it's that her mom devised this elaborate scheme to lie on her back and watch Real Housewives of Miami. Me too, Hills!

A picture is worth 150 words-ish.

It's Important to Look Pretty When You Cry

I have a friend who looks terrible when he/she cries. I don't say anything and just wait it out. When I cry, I make sure that my face doesn't move too much. I also swallow my sorrow as much as possible so that I only have those romantic tears rolling down my face, like Meryl Streep. Good thing no one saw me this morning wracked with agonized sobs all the way through Hope Springs starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. Watch it not only for the geezer sex but also for the repressed lady fashions and stellar weeping.

It's sad enough when a normal person doesn't cry pretty but when a star looks bad crying, it's like 12/21/12 end of the world. I'm talking to you, Laura Dern, Diane Keaton, Kim Kardashian...and LeAnn Rimes. This last one gives an interview--airing Sunday on E!--where she sobs about having an affair on her first husband with her current husband. LeAnn is very pretty, but when she cries in this interview, her eyes twitch unevenly, those giant nostrils contract, but no real tears spew forth. This makes me suspicious that it could be fake. As a singer, she can easily make the voice wobble. If LeAnn is going to play out her life in public, she needs to learn how to cry. Watch Julia, Meryl and Demi Moore as much as possible. Only boys fake cry. I'm talking to you, Ed Harris in Stepmom.

I've never fake cried--okay once, but it turned into real cry because it was so pathetic. At least I'm sort of gorgeous when I cry.*

*Not a word, Dishfamily.

Fifty Shades of L.A. Dish

Paris is now a DJ?

I'm all for Paris Hilton trying to find herself. This past week, she debuted as a DJ somewhere south of Dish. I saw the clip and, first of all, I don't get the DJ as rock star. Aren't they supposed to be off to the side, up in the booth? Where's the mystique if they stand on stage and push buttons? Not interesting at all! I say, Paris needs to go to college.

TV Land aired American Film Institute's honoring of Shirley Maclaine. I confess my eyes filled at the start-up music. A room filled with Julia, Meryl, Jack, Don Rickles (It's not always about you, Morgan Freeman!). How could I not cry a little? I love my Shirl but what the hell animal died on her head? She wore a weird wig but those sparkling blue eyes are mesmerizing. Julia did well, looks great with her tanner but...I hate to admit this...I'm turning a little. The wind tells me she might not be my imaginary best friend after all. Must consult an acquaintance in the know. Jack Nicholson should never speak in public again. It's okay because Jack Black blew everyone away, facing her reincarnation stuff head-on.

The skinny: Koda is frontrunner to take over for Ann Curry. I like that but hate that Ann Curry is being skewered. I think she's been treated like crap from Day #1. Let the tide turn and make her beloved. Octomom has a boyfriend but Dish smells a beard to get on TV.

So Dish has written her scandalous and bitchy fictitious memoirs and needs a good first name pseudonym, something modern and peppy. Any ideas?

"I Didn't Do It on Purpose. Tee Hee."

Maybe J.Lo's nipple likes to travel. Anyway, that's what I remembered from last night's Oscars. In my haze, somewhere in the middle, my eyes alit on these globes, this sparkling dress, and the globes again. Off to the side, peeking over as if to say, "I'm here too!!" was her nipple. And now everyone's talking about it. She did it with Diddy, she did it today. Dangerous booby dress by J.Lo! Love her and good night.

Just kidding. Of course, Billy Crystal was a delight. I figured out why he's the only one who can host the Oscars. He appeals to every demographic unlike his predecessors. He is classic, often classy and rolls with the punches. Billy never really offends but tweaks you just enough and pulls away. We need nostalgia badly and he brought it back. The opening was anticlimactic for Dish only because the hosts after him did the same thing. But I'll take Billy. He should do the Oscars forever.

There were no surprises in award winners--Yay, THE ARTIST!--so I must react to the fashions:

Viola Davis needed a wig/shaping or a different dress but she is so damn pretty it doesn't matter.

Meryl finally wore something glamorous.

Angelina looked great in that black dress instead of the funeral dresses she tends to prefer. She's been gorgeous this season.

Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain needed better hair. Hair was a big problem more than dresses this season.

Rose Byrne: gorgeous girl, bad Anna Wintour bob that is so off-putting, the kind of hair only an arch-nemesis would have.

Sandra Bullock has had something facially done but I still love her (not that blousy branch dress). Even TG noticed she didn't look like Sandra. You gotta invest in the face, especially if you're a Hollywood actress. My feeling is that when you've had face work, just hide it with some poof. I did just this when I accidentally shaved a side of my head. I cut a strand and taped it to my bald spot, a middle-schooler's weave, if you will. This was not recent.

Adored Rooney Mara's look though she seemed snarky during interviews. Like she's so over it all.

Emma Stone looked willowy and buzzed young happy. Did she have to hide her neck? Maybe Dish's swan neck makes her think everyone has one as elegant. It is just not so.

I'm not a fan of white against blond unless LOTS of shimmer so back to the drawing board Gwyneth and Cameron. J.Lo stole their thunder with those tatas wanting to burst free and see America.

Cirque du Soleil: Take that, Debbie Allen!!!

Today I went trolling for afterparty scandal and only found a picture of Jessica Chastain and our favorite newly-rehabbed lady-killer Gerard Butler. Don't do it, Jessica. Then again, redheads never have more fun (it's a myth) so have at it and continue acting your heart out, you fierce Gingie!

Mama, Gives Me My Pills!!! I Needs Another Oscar!!!

I fantasize daily about watching bad movies and eating popcorn with Meryl and Julia but I'm not sure I want to see them in a movie together. Today I read that they're set to star in the movie version of August: Osage County, which you know will be all acty, acty, acty--like maybe Erin Brockovich was a gimme and now she wants to do a real meaty role without hiking up her boobs. I can already hear her practicing, "Mama?" Clearly, she doesn't take Dish's advice to do another ROMANTIC COMEDY. Please! And co-star with someone as hot as she is. She and Meryl already have an Oscar. Please, do it for your loyal fans, Julia! No more serious angsty flicks where you don't get EXACTLY what you want in the end and by that I mean Getting The Guy. And don't Eat Pray Love your way through it because you had Too Much candy in that movie. Oh dear, this is turning into a stalker rant. I could watch you brush your hair, Julia. In fact, can't I? I'm having a diva moment because I'm going to be on TV soon. What am I going to wear?

If only Kim Kardashian were here to style me (segue). Speaking of, she's allegedly secretly dating Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez who seems to have dipped his nib everywhere if you believe all gossip. My burning--feverish and not in an STD way--question: Is Kim's addicted to athletes? This never works out in the end.

My dreams were almost realized (no, not the major Duran Duran one) when I read that Adam Lambert was the new front man for Queen. It may not be true, but I've been wanting this since his AI season. He is the closest they'll get to Freddie magic, though I know FM can never be replaced. Adam's got golden pipes, a real glam presence and being in a band might settle him down. It would get me to one of his shows, for sure.

I'm Taller Than Glenn Close!

How awesome is that? Here I was thinking she was at least Uma-sized. How twisted that I would research her height, personal details for my own satisfaction. Today I pondered how Glenn must feel to be in Meryl's shadow all the time or maybe I imagine this. I love them both and feel they serve distinct purposes. Glenn chews scenery so deliciously. Meryl gets a moving truck and inhabits a scene. I sort of would like to see them in a flick together. Maybe as bakery owners who fall for the same man. They wind up throwing yeast at each other and cackle like witches.

Today's news: Bryce Dallas Howard birthed a wee bairn, female. Penn coach Joe Paterno died, kinda Greek tragique. Dish is caught up on Downton Abbey (Bates + Anna 4evs!). So much football today all of which I missed. Some tabloids are reporting that Heidi and Seal are not splitting up but the marriage is rocky. Could it be to get more publicity? I wouldn't put it past Ms. Stepford-eyed fraulein!

And now, I must to bed.

I Will Never Doubt Meryl Streep Again...

She was so good in The Iron Lady I could barely breathe. I tried to picture myself doing what she does. I couldn't. She created so many layers to Margaret Thatcher, both Dishmama and I thought we were watching Thatcher herself. She is that good. If she doesn't win the Oscar, they are just wrong. While I wouldn't say The Iron Lady is Best Picture or that the humanizing of Thatcher contained subtlety, Streep is magnificent and I remembered so much of the history in the movie. Though no Duran Duran references, which vexed me greatly. Whoever did the costumes should also win an Oscar.

The big news this weekend and another sign of the apocalypse: The one woman that frightens Dish more than real animals digitized to talk: Heidi Klum is set to file for divorce from Seal. What went wrong? I don't understand. I thought they made beautiful music together.

Latest obsession: Downton Abbey, which revives old girl crush on Elizabeth McGovern and ignites a new deep love for the honorable Bates. No need for TG to be jealous as Bates could be my uncle.

Really, People Magazine?

Bradley Cooper is People's Sexiest Man Alive. They get it wrong every year (except for Mark Harmon and JFK jr) but at least it's someone who's reached his prime within a couple years of this issue--and not 10 years prior. I see his eyes and think Serial Killer Who Must Kill Cat Downstairs. Well, he speaks better French than I do and that makes me mad.

I'm starting a new franchise: Hottest Person Who's Six Feet Under. This year, my vote is for Copernicus because he said Earth revolved around the sun, which is HOT.

Alleged With-Bieber-out-of-wedlock-procreator Maria Yeater dropped her paternity suit against the little tyke. Maybe she found a better babydaddy. Like Jesus?

I've relearned a lesson thanks to the most recent Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Women who starve themselves are more likely to have a crazy meltdown. Witness Taylor going off on the Vanderpump. A normal person with normal blood sugar would accept an apology and explanation and move on. This was truly the precipice of hell itself and, gosh, I hope she's doing better now. I like Taylor, weird party for her child and all.

This pains me: The Iron Lady trailer looks positively wretched. I love Meryl to pieces, but this is a stinker. Or at least the trailer captures the corniest moments with Meryl needing to scale back. Not the Iron Lady but Julia Child--UK! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDiCFY2zsfc.

This Could Be a Disaster

Dishbrother and I fear that Meryl Streep's The Iron Lady will be the new Mommie Dearest. The poster is just too much. I enjoyed Meryl's Julia Child, but have the icky 6th sense her Thatcher will have us rolling in the aisles and not in a good way. Bon appetit! Scrub, Christina, scrub!!!

Day 3 of Ashgate: Demi and Ashton were caught celebrating Rosh Hashanah together today. That's MADNESS! Ash's alleged bed partner is allegly trying to make tons of money over the tryst. Did she CSI the "remains" of the lay? I wonder what Demi/Ashton are doing right now. Do they care what I'm doing? Dish is posted in front of a fan, hoping the dank heat in the apartment lifts. Oh hell, maybe it's early menopause. Cut to Samantha from Sex and the City hurling her wig into the audience and wiping her boob sweat.

Speaking of boobs, the buzz is that Chris Christie might run for Prez. As a resident of New Jersey, Dishmama is, no doubt, fuming. But can we cut the fat jokes? David Letterman did a dull, offensive top 10 that probably incensed most of America.

Justin Theroux woke up to bologna on his motorcycle. There are so many jokes one could make.

The Big C finale has blown my mind with one of those "twists." And just started watching one of 5 last episodes of All My Children. Seeing Angie and Jesse together made me sob like a jackass.

Deep Thoughts on the Emmys

Why are award shows so lame? The writers just aren't funny, the stars are acting same-old and the speeches are repetitive. How many times can you hear, "I didn't prepare anything to say. I didn't think I would win." Dish likes scandal and crazy at her awards-- like Meryl Streep saying she needs to do yoga or Jack Nicholson's talking through his butt or, yes, Ricky Gervais who makes the stars/audience tense. I love Jane Lynch. I thought she did a good job as hostess--especially the "why I'm a lesbian" and introducing the cast of Entourage, but the show dragged. Cut Emmytones, SNL dance/song number--make it a 2-hour show.

Highlights: Charlie Sheen was gracious indeed. Some lovely dresses, though Christina Hendricks's boobies are two giant air bags squashed into a dress. I couldn't look at anything else. Rainn Wilson tweeted his rage that Steve Carrell didn't get an Emmy and I'm right with him there. Kathy Griffin--looking great in red--kissed Ryan Seacrest, an abomination.

Dish was on vacation today and, aside from speculating about Jennifer Aniston being preggo or not (wearing big coat does NOT help!), watched Limitless. I still believe--for no reason--that Bradley Cooper tortures small animals (his French is better than mine so must hate him!) but keep giving him a chance. He is competent in this sh*t-fest that is an obvious reference to our current drug culture. It might have been more interesting if Billy Crudup had been cast. Robert De Niro does his usual mentoring and you have to wonder why he's in so many crappy movies. The biggest philosophical question Dish must raise: If we can take a pill to realize our fullest potential, doesn't that mean no contact with others? When you bring the hell that is other people into the mix, that renders us vulnerable and imperfect. OMG, whole point of movie. Brilliance.

That took so much effort. Time for Dancing with the Stars!!!

Blessings on Dolores Hope who passed away at 102.

The Dishes Take On Nellie Oleson

TG and I are seeing Alison Arngrim's show tonight near Times Square. Maybe some of her "bitch" vibes will rub off on me. I have at least started curling my hair and scowling more. Loved AA's autobio. Everyone who needs a spine should read it. She gives good dish on her life on Little House.

These days, I feel as if everywhere I go, I'll see Lady Gaga or a Kardashian. All these young whippersnappers have taken over my People and my US Weekly. I don't need to see washboard abs. Please stop telling me who Miley Cyrus is effing. Yes, Aguilera has packed on the pounds (TG says, Don't diss my Christina!) and might be a diva on The Voice. Where are the Streeps? The Pacinos? Oh dear, it's finally happened. I am talking like an old person.

What I really care about: When will Simon Le Bon be ready to sing again? And...will Julia Roberts's movie Larry Crowne be as bad as it looks in the trailer? This won't stop me from seeing it often in the theater.

TG informed me that The Glee Project is excellent. Back to work for Dish--17 days until my independence from Hades.

Kids These Days

If Adam Lambert, Colin Firth and Jack White had sex, they'd create Benjamin Walker who shines in Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson. The show has gotten great buzz due to its star and engaging content. Upon viewing, Dish can distill the essence of BW's appeal to teenage girls. Remember, I was there circa 1983 with the succulent wave of androgynous boy bands. BW wears tons of eyeliner and this is #1 rule for achieving sexy.

Dish went to the play for personal reasons (i.e. Darling Mamie Gummer got engaged to BW and you know Dish loves all things related to Meryl Streep). I had to see if BW was good enough to be in the Streep family. And he is. He's deserving of critical acclaim and heartthrob status (he sports camel toe jeans and Rob Thomas hair), but at his core, he's a zitty sensitive theater geek. Nice to see, too, that many in the cast have done graduate work related to theater. Education is important, people! So many actors have empty brains and do what they think is acting. My favorite character was Van Buren (Lucas Near-Verbrugghe), who seemed to channel David Bowie.

Sadly, Dish was in the front row, dodging BW's copious waterfalls of sweat. Also, not that this affected my enjoyment, I saw lots of panties and someone's testicles during the Indian ballet. That's the problem with the stage at the Public Theater.

Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson is young, irreverent (which is so in these days), and is the only way kids (and Dish) will learn history.

Cougar Sucess?

Naveen Andrews and Barbara Hershey have split after twelve years together. Cougar relationships are difficult to maintain (Sarandon/Robbins; Fiennes/Annis; Dalton/Redgrave; Madonna/Richie; Cher/Everyone). A successful cougar relationship: Maxwell Caulfield and Juliet Mills, who've been married for thirty years. There is a seventeen-year age difference. Their secret: She won't let him see her in curlers. Most cougars don't give a rat's behind.

TG has his own star reports. Today he informed me that Oprah was abused by an English bulldog during her upbringing in Alaska. Not surprised. Oprah has done everything. Yesterday, he claimed to have seen Meryl Streep at Le Pain Quotidien but when Dish tried to confirm it was a woman with a huge disjointed honker--not Streep.

Almost Friday

I'm not sure who I'd rather be in this picture. How nice it would be to experience the magic of Julia and Javier up close. At the very least, I want to know what Julia is knitting. Will be satisfied to see the chemical explosion when Eat Pray Love comes out in August.

I'm not excited about Ironman 2 as it looks mediocre. Bret Michaels is on the cover of People and I don't understand how this happened. In his hospital picture, he's wearing a bandanna and fake-sleeping. It reminds a little of when Meryl Streep dressed up Shirley MacLaine when she was in the hospital in Postcards from the Edge.

At this point, life can't get better. TG is out getting me ice cream, no questions asked.

Dish's Awards

Just in case you were curious:

Best Dress: Vera Farmiglia (or however you spell her last name), Sandra Bullock (love hair and dress), Meryl Streep, Maggie Gyllenhaal, honorable mention to J. Lo
Most Hideous Dress: Demi Moore, but only because she looked very spray tanned and therefore the color of her dress
Epic Hair Failure: Almost everyone had the frizzes, SJP
Most Embarrassing Speech: The director of Music by Prudence where that nasty scene-hog interrupted him. She should be killed.
Best Speech: The guy from Up, Sandra Bullock
Worst Sexual Innuendo: Robin Williams talking about squeezing balls
Best Joke of the Night: Ben Stiller's Avatar spoof
Drunkest: George Clooney's girlfriend
Most Stoned: Morgan Freeman, Judd Nelson, Mark Anthony
Biggest Triumph: Uh, duh, Kathryn Bigelow winning!
Speech Worthy of Kleenex: Uh, duh, Kathryn Bigelow winning!
How Many Times Haiti and Chile Are Mentioned: Very few times, which is troubling, since audiences thrive on celebrity self-promotion through fake altruism and opinion about global issues
Did Alec and Steve Succeed? Was not totally wowed.

Okay, Dish's spray tan is fading already.

Dish's Official Ballot

Here's what I think will win:

Leading Actor: Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart (should have won for An American Heart 100 years ago)
Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds (groan, he’s going to make another very annoying speech)
Leading Actress: Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side (though really want Gabourey to win; Meryl might upset, which might make her record winner for Oscars)
Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique in Precious
Animated Feature: Up
Art Direction: Avatar
Cinematography: Avatar
Costume Design: The Young Victoria (period piece)
Directing: The Hurt Locker
Documentary Feature: The Cove (b/c Nick Rhodes says so)
Document Short: China’s Unnatural Direaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province
Film Editing: The Hurt Locker
Foreign Language Film: Un Prophète (lots of violence in this year's choices but it is foreign language film)
Makeup: Star Trek (prosthetic wins)
Original Score: Avatar (I see you)
Original Song: “The Weary Kind” from Crazy Heart
Short Animated Film: Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty
Short Live Action: Instead of Abracadabra (all the rest are freaking depressing and about children so I feel they will cancel each other out and this lighter one will win)
Sound Editing: The Hurt Locker (gunfire)
Sound Mixing: The Hurt Locker
Visual Effects: Avatar (Smurfs raping birds)
Adapted Screenplay: Precious (keep thinking of the dog in Silence of the Lambs)
Original Screenplay: The Hurt Locker
Best Picture: Avatar (Hurt Locker could upset but James Cameron would be pissed. It would be refreshing if he didn’t win)

Cry Baby

I'm not into Johnny Depp. This goes against a commandment (thou shalt love Obama, Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard, Clint Eastwood, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Cate Blanchett, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Denzel Washington, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, and Morgan Freeman) since he "chooses interesting roles," doesn't shower, is the Sexiest Man Alive, lives in France and doesn't care about the establishment. I love the crazy hotel-room-destroying Johnny of the 90s, but now he's all acty and Tim Burton has turned his best efforts into a pretentious freak show. That said, he usually makes me smile when he's on screen.

Michael Mann doesn't do Johnny any favors with Public Enemies. Johnny's performance is forgettable and, frankly, I enjoyed the Mark Harmon/Sherilyn Fenn version much better. A TV movie, it didn't pretend to be great. I've decided Mann shouldn't go back in time before the 1990s. You miss the intense music, the slick and bittersweet characterization, the intense melancholy at the end when your favorite hero dies. This one is a bore with great hats. The only fun part was listening to Billy Crudup do a 1930s movie accent.

Putting On Airs

TG and I thought Obama's State of the Union speech started out slow and trite, but gained momentum. Because TG makes cynical comments, it caught me off guard to hear him say, "Good for you," at our President. (I still vote for Hillary in my heart)

As successful as this speech was to us, I'm afraid the most noteworthy news of the day is that Jessica Simpson allegedly farted in a business meeting. I hate meetings, too. For my own sanity, I try to imagine celebs shooting cannon fire but it can be difficult. I'm sure Meryl Streep has never farted. If she did, it would go unnoticed. I have the feeling Matthew McConaughey lets loose a spate of dynamite as he's playing his bongos, asphyxiating all of Austin, Texas.

Speaking of gas, the Grammy's are this weekend. I adore music but these melodic functions put the dumbest people in the universe into one room.