The Apocalypse Is Near

Another sort of shocking Hollywood split: Diane Lane and Josh Brolin. My Dish-vibe tells me--based purely on excessive sniffing of tea tree oil and vapor analysis--their marriage might have been tumultuous. She seems like a delicate flower. He's a bad boy, mind-numbingly good actor. Of course, he's going to blow that to hell, though I hope he doesn't. Diane Lane will continue being sweet and amazing.

This weekend is devoted to Oscar. Sure, I'll spend time looking in the mirror and wondering how to transform into Jessica Chastain. If I tape up the sides of my face and hide the flaps under my hair, no one will see the difference. And then I just throw on a gown and act awkward and modest--there. I am she.

Hilariousness from Michelle Obama and Jimmy Fallon.

Mainlining Twix

My engagement ring is too lose on my finger so I'm storing it away until I get some bacon fat under my belt. F*kk my Anne Hathaway diet or any diet. TG was, like, what the hell, why did you lose weight? I did--but just in my forearms and my fingers. The rest of me is the same. Okay, so maybe I'm a little after-school special with my too-baggy pants and spine coming out of my back. I've been buried in work in a way I haven't experienced since 1997. But, no more. I want to look pudgy on TV again so I rushed to the deli and got a gigantic sandwich, a candy bar, some soda and I'm guzzling like there's no tomorrow. The ring comes back pronto!

When you don't eat, your blood sugar takes a dive. Then you do weird things, like look up music obsessions from the past. For me, that was Vanity. I loved Ms. Denise Matthews and her songs got me through some rough times. This one especially--which is cool since it's very close to TG's name. Oh, and this one is legendary. Now, this talented singer has found Jesus! Hey, whatever gets you through...

I thought I'd want to learn about celebrities' crushes but this is incredibly boring. Some of them go on and on...like they love the attention. Kind of wondering what Julia Roberts thinks of Jessica Chastain, a younger replica who is getting all those serious acty roles Julia didn't get till later (sort of). Is Julia pisssst? That would only make me work harder. And then I'd go up to Jessica and snap her bra. Ooops, need more candy--and protein!

So no big surprise, Liberty Ross is divorcing her two-timing director husband, Rupert Sanders--you know, the one who threatened the all-mighty love of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I don't care.

"You might really like me again!!!"

It took a great act of self-restraint to keep from slipping a congratulations note to Sally Field for her chubby now Oscar-nominated performance as Mary Todd Lincoln who had really ugly hair. Sall threw some excellent Nora Walker-style hissies. As for you, Ms. Chastain, how dare you try to impersonate me. I've just ordered the Pringles and Entemann's trucks to park right on your lawn. You're so jealous of me, aren't you? I see you in all those movies, being all willowy and acty, like Julia. Let's get this straight--there is only one Julia here. And that's me. Oh, who took the blanket off my cage?

Here you go for some of the nominations and my bitchy comments:

Best Picture--i.e. No Film Left Behind: "Beasts of the Southern Wild"(What's this?)
"Silver Linings Playbook"(Bipolar)
"Zero Dark Thirty"(Osama)
"Lincoln" (Freeing slaves = Gay marriage)
"Les Miserables" (Wa, wa, wa, wa, I'm miserable)
"Life of Pi" (in a boat with a tiger, seasick, yet TG cries during this trailer every time)
"Amour"(You had me at Isabelle Huppert, but still haven't seen it)
"Django Unchained"(Spike Lee is PISSED)
"Argo" (wanna see)

Best Supporting Actor:
Christoph Waltz, "Django Unchained"(again?)
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "The Master" (again?)
Robert De Niro, "Silver Linings Playbook" (again?)
Alan Arkin, "Argo" (again?)
Tommy Lee Jones, "Lincoln" (again?)

Best Supporting Actress: Sally Field, "Lincoln"(Queen of the Hissy)
Anne Hathaway, "Les Miserables"(Shoo in)

Jacki Weaver, "Silver Linings Playbook"(?)
Helen Hunt, "The Sessions"(full frontal, yes)
Amy Adams, "The Master" (eh)

Best Director: Won't Comment to Protest Omission of Ben Affleck David O. Russell, "Silver Linings Playbook"
Ang Lee, "Life of Pi"
Steven Spielberg, "Lincoln"
Michael Haneke, "Amour"
Benh Zeitlin, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"

Best Actor:
Daniel Day Lewis, "Lincoln"(lock)
Denzel Washington, "Flight"(idea of drunk pilot is too scary to win)
Hugh Jackman, "Les Miserables" (he'll get there)
Bradley Cooper, "Silver Linings Playbook"(crazy = Oscar, but prosthetics acting > crazy)
Joaquin Phoenix, "The Master" (Tom will prevent the win)

Best Actress:
Naomi Watts, "The Impossible"(pretty)
Jessica Chastain, "Zero Dark Thirty" (pretty)
Jennifer Lawrence, "Silver Linings Playbook"(pretty)
Emmanuelle Riva, "Amour"(old)
Quvenzhané Wallis, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"(young)

Best Original Screenplay:
"Zero Dark Thirty"
"Django Unchained"
"Moonrise Kingdom"(win)
"Amour"
"Flight"

Best Adapted Screenplay:
"Lincoln"
"Silver Linings Playbook"
"Argo"(might win)
"Life of Pi"
"Beasts of the Southern Wild"

Who got ignored, Dan: Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio,Kathryn Bigelow

Today's video clip: In my next life, I'd like to come back as Michael Des Barres. Also, Crockett and Tubbs have no idea just how lucky they are.

"I Didn't Do It on Purpose. Tee Hee."

Maybe J.Lo's nipple likes to travel. Anyway, that's what I remembered from last night's Oscars. In my haze, somewhere in the middle, my eyes alit on these globes, this sparkling dress, and the globes again. Off to the side, peeking over as if to say, "I'm here too!!" was her nipple. And now everyone's talking about it. She did it with Diddy, she did it today. Dangerous booby dress by J.Lo! Love her and good night.

Just kidding. Of course, Billy Crystal was a delight. I figured out why he's the only one who can host the Oscars. He appeals to every demographic unlike his predecessors. He is classic, often classy and rolls with the punches. Billy never really offends but tweaks you just enough and pulls away. We need nostalgia badly and he brought it back. The opening was anticlimactic for Dish only because the hosts after him did the same thing. But I'll take Billy. He should do the Oscars forever.

There were no surprises in award winners--Yay, THE ARTIST!--so I must react to the fashions:

Viola Davis needed a wig/shaping or a different dress but she is so damn pretty it doesn't matter.

Meryl finally wore something glamorous.

Angelina looked great in that black dress instead of the funeral dresses she tends to prefer. She's been gorgeous this season.

Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain needed better hair. Hair was a big problem more than dresses this season.

Rose Byrne: gorgeous girl, bad Anna Wintour bob that is so off-putting, the kind of hair only an arch-nemesis would have.

Sandra Bullock has had something facially done but I still love her (not that blousy branch dress). Even TG noticed she didn't look like Sandra. You gotta invest in the face, especially if you're a Hollywood actress. My feeling is that when you've had face work, just hide it with some poof. I did just this when I accidentally shaved a side of my head. I cut a strand and taped it to my bald spot, a middle-schooler's weave, if you will. This was not recent.

Adored Rooney Mara's look though she seemed snarky during interviews. Like she's so over it all.

Emma Stone looked willowy and buzzed young happy. Did she have to hide her neck? Maybe Dish's swan neck makes her think everyone has one as elegant. It is just not so.

I'm not a fan of white against blond unless LOTS of shimmer so back to the drawing board Gwyneth and Cameron. J.Lo stole their thunder with those tatas wanting to burst free and see America.

Cirque du Soleil: Take that, Debbie Allen!!!

Today I went trolling for afterparty scandal and only found a picture of Jessica Chastain and our favorite newly-rehabbed lady-killer Gerard Butler. Don't do it, Jessica. Then again, redheads never have more fun (it's a myth) so have at it and continue acting your heart out, you fierce Gingie!

Tonight's Oskahs

Dish has been under the weather with the Celine Dion virus for several days now so I can't put in as much alcohol energy as I want into tonight's Oscars. But there are a few items that make me violent:

1. If The Help wins Best Picture, I will never ever watch the Oscars again. It was boring (but had some great performances by Viola Davis and Jessica Chastain). This would be the politically correct choice, which the Academy often goes with and it's Steel Magnolia-esque, but the pacing is WAY off. Read the book instead.

2. If The Descendants wins Best Picture, my cynicism will be unmanageable. Again, Dish had a pacing issue with this one. Performances were good, Clooney was good but Michael Clayton was his shining star, not this.

3. The Best Actor/Actress: I want Jean DuJardin to win. He did something so wonderful--and different--on screen, aside from the usual reacting to catastrophic event and picking up the pieces crap. For Best Actress, I'd be happy with any of these babes: Meryl, Michelle, Viola. They were fantastic.

4. The Tree of Life has to win something. It was the most visually stunning movie last year and would be amazing to watch while stoned.

This may be sinful but I'm going to DVR the event since I can't stay up late to watch to the end. Monday I'll take a vow of no-Internets so that I can see who wins. Do you think Billy Crystal will be amazing or anti-climactic?