"You might really like me again!!!"

It took a great act of self-restraint to keep from slipping a congratulations note to Sally Field for her chubby now Oscar-nominated performance as Mary Todd Lincoln who had really ugly hair. Sall threw some excellent Nora Walker-style hissies. As for you, Ms. Chastain, how dare you try to impersonate me. I've just ordered the Pringles and Entemann's trucks to park right on your lawn. You're so jealous of me, aren't you? I see you in all those movies, being all willowy and acty, like Julia. Let's get this straight--there is only one Julia here. And that's me. Oh, who took the blanket off my cage?

Here you go for some of the nominations and my bitchy comments:

Best Picture--i.e. No Film Left Behind: "Beasts of the Southern Wild"(What's this?)
"Silver Linings Playbook"(Bipolar)
"Zero Dark Thirty"(Osama)
"Lincoln" (Freeing slaves = Gay marriage)
"Les Miserables" (Wa, wa, wa, wa, I'm miserable)
"Life of Pi" (in a boat with a tiger, seasick, yet TG cries during this trailer every time)
"Amour"(You had me at Isabelle Huppert, but still haven't seen it)
"Django Unchained"(Spike Lee is PISSED)
"Argo" (wanna see)

Best Supporting Actor:
Christoph Waltz, "Django Unchained"(again?)
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "The Master" (again?)
Robert De Niro, "Silver Linings Playbook" (again?)
Alan Arkin, "Argo" (again?)
Tommy Lee Jones, "Lincoln" (again?)

Best Supporting Actress: Sally Field, "Lincoln"(Queen of the Hissy)
Anne Hathaway, "Les Miserables"(Shoo in)

Jacki Weaver, "Silver Linings Playbook"(?)
Helen Hunt, "The Sessions"(full frontal, yes)
Amy Adams, "The Master" (eh)

Best Director: Won't Comment to Protest Omission of Ben Affleck David O. Russell, "Silver Linings Playbook"
Ang Lee, "Life of Pi"
Steven Spielberg, "Lincoln"
Michael Haneke, "Amour"
Benh Zeitlin, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"

Best Actor:
Daniel Day Lewis, "Lincoln"(lock)
Denzel Washington, "Flight"(idea of drunk pilot is too scary to win)
Hugh Jackman, "Les Miserables" (he'll get there)
Bradley Cooper, "Silver Linings Playbook"(crazy = Oscar, but prosthetics acting > crazy)
Joaquin Phoenix, "The Master" (Tom will prevent the win)

Best Actress:
Naomi Watts, "The Impossible"(pretty)
Jessica Chastain, "Zero Dark Thirty" (pretty)
Jennifer Lawrence, "Silver Linings Playbook"(pretty)
Emmanuelle Riva, "Amour"(old)
Quvenzhané Wallis, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"(young)

Best Original Screenplay:
"Zero Dark Thirty"
"Django Unchained"
"Moonrise Kingdom"(win)
"Amour"
"Flight"

Best Adapted Screenplay:
"Lincoln"
"Silver Linings Playbook"
"Argo"(might win)
"Life of Pi"
"Beasts of the Southern Wild"

Who got ignored, Dan: Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio,Kathryn Bigelow

Today's video clip: In my next life, I'd like to come back as Michael Des Barres. Also, Crockett and Tubbs have no idea just how lucky they are.

My Holidays Are All About TV and Cat Puzzles

It's been implied that I'm a monster during the holidays. Hmmm. Well, then. I'll delve more deeply into my escapist entertainment. Here goes:

Episodes: I'm obsessed. Who knew Matt LeBlanc could be so funny? Love the two Brits. You must watch, if only to see how a Hollywood show gets made.

Lincoln: Okay, Daniel Day, you win. You are awesome. You only overact in one scene. I love you again. But I love Tommy Lee Jones even more!!! Dish doesn't think this'll win because it's too literate, i.e. thinky. Steven did not go for the waterworks so much until the end (cue same sh*tty music), which makes me like him again. I predict Lez Miz will win Best Picture because it's sentimental and easy to follow. Sally Field threw a marvelous hissy, so Nora Walker I squealed.

Jack Reacher: Sucks hard. Really hard. I usually enjoy Tom but he is completely miscast as the hulking law enforcer. The freaky villain made me laugh with his wonky eye and creepy villain voice. Luckily, Robert Duvall came in with a blower to get rid of some of the stink. My butt would've written a better script, too. Skip!

Two Star Sightings in Five Minutes: Sally Field and Nicholas Feitel!!!

Fresh from the gym, I went to my supermarket, heading toward the produce section. Dish is trying to turn over a new leaf. After procuring two Fuji apples, I passed the nut section where an adorable Sally Field was exploring the shelves of almonds, quinoa and M&Ms. She looked back at me as if I'd sprouted horns. Naughty Sally! My shirt was a mite see-through. Or maybe it was the rash delivery boy plowing by us in rough buffalo fashion. As I passed by Sally's cart, I tried to memorize her products. All that stuck was: Smuckers!!!

I left the supermarket and walked up toward 15th and 7th. Within seconds I passed Nicholas Feitel (Bethenny's food blogger), checking his phone while dragging a suitcase. He was lost in a land of words, oblivious to the fellow Gingie that is Dish. AND I'M A FAN!

A good day.

More Proof that Celebrity Heteros Shouldn't Marry!

Golden voiced Sinead O'Connor ended her marriage after 18 days. I couldn't understand her reasoning but here's the gist: Husband freaked out, wedding night search for maryjane wound up hurting them deeply, people around them were haters, they rushed into marriage and are now rushing out of it. Kim is off the hook! To be fair, Sinead is truly ill upstairs--and she knows it--and at least has the wherewithall not to screw her public into watching a televised marriage. At least Sinead didn't marry every five minutes either. She spaced them out within 10 years of each other (except for these last two).

The most exciting part of this Christmas was discovering that Nora Walker and Dishmama live practically next-door to each other, which means Dish could *easily* run into her in the elevator. I will make it so. I need a cup of sugar from the Flying Nun.

Sad condolences to friends, fans and family of Clare Veronica Walsh, a goddess spin instructor, who died at the far-too-young age of 22 and SNL writer Joe Bodolai, who left this earth by his own design. Blessings on their coming and going.

Not Bad for a Monday

Monday! My favorite day of the week. A kind stranger bought my way onto the subway, saying I seemed lost. I think it was the big red hair in my face. Was it Jesus? I *am* reading Joel Osteen's Become a Better You just for the hell of it, even though I'm not *into* any kind of traditional God (aside from worship of Julia). His Sunday sermons are comforting. J.J. is bleeding from the eyes. No worries--I am still a heathen.

Desperate Housewives: Not sure why TG and I still watch this. We keep saying, "Wow, the writing is so tight." Or "I didn't expect that." Why is Susan still alive? Bring back Gale Harold. Did not watch Brothers & Sisters but the lure of Sally Field might make me Hulu it. Damn that woman.

Still riding the high of The Book of Mormon. Thanks to my husband for being obsessed with South Park and getting the tickets.

Coachella: What was Rosanna Arquette doing interviewing musicians? Francis and the Lights seemed like a moron. Maybe not the most intellectual bunch overall. Duran Duran killed with Ana Matronic in "Safe."

Here's someone interesting to follow on Twitter: Elizabeth Hurley. A delight. This morning she had a flaky croissant with her coffee. This made me happy.

All My Children and One Life to Live Cancelled!

What will Susan Lucci do? Maybe she'll have her own reality show where she looks for a job. Maybe she'll join the temping pool, which will give her new experiences. No, wait...I have it...SHE'LL JOIN THE CAST OF BROTHERS & SISTERS and play Sally Field's LONG LOST SISTER. There, I've put myself into an ecstatic coma.

Dish is embarking on a new project: The Gwen Stefani Challenge. For one week, I must put my face on and dress nicely before leaving the house or before TG even sees me in the morning. Gwen Stefani starts the day in full makeup and never lets herself slack off in ratty house skank-wear. Can I do this? I will need a haircut first.

Sally Field cast as Mary Todd Lincoln alongside Daniel Day Lewis. I can see it now, Sally in hoop skirt, "Abe, you have GOT to free the slaves, goddammit. Otherwise, this Civil War won't be so civil."

A Quick One

Dish did the wedding tasting today and rediscovered the joy of drinking wine with lunch. TG and I are basking in the food coma haze, to the point where I forgot to find out anything on celebs. I'm behind on my Glee and Modern Family. All I know is: the world is going bananas over Wills and Kate; Eva and Tony might have an icky divorce; and, wait for it, the ever-hot Beau Bridges is going to be a new love interest for Sally Field on B&S!!! It's brilliant to reunite them decades after Norma Rae! As for Dish, the more Sally gets serviced on that show, the happier I am. When Sally--wearing, we hope, another tight t-shirt--holds up that "Union" sign, it means something very different this time.

She Got Diana's Ring!

After years of courting Kate Middleton (love her!), Prince William popped the question. Maybe this Diana will get it right. I remember where I was when she and Charles wed--on a plane from France to America. Hours later, Grampa and I watched coverage and I dreamed of meeting my own prince, praying for someone even better looking than Prince Charles (I was near-sighted).

Just went to get latte and was approached by a man who loved my red glasses, red hair, where was I from, was I single? Usually when confronted like this, I pull out my imaginary boyfriend "Jason" and claim near-matrimonial bliss. This time, I excitedly flashed my ring finger. "I'm getting married in two months!" After wishing me luck, the stranger darted off. Now, watching Bridezillas: OMG, these brides are horrible, ruining their shining moments. Lots of breaking into tears over not getting right limo. If only their exertions would burn calories. That was mean. TG is so lucky I'm chill.

Britney Spears's parents are canoodling again and, taking a break from her knitting books, Leeza Gibbons got engaged. Even better, Sonia Braga and Sally Field had a sexy-off on Brothers & Sisters. As always, Sally wins, though Sonia got in some good tonsil hockey with thirty years younger Justin. Call me crazy, but really, there is no one sexier than Sally Field/Nora Walker. I cannot wait to be in my sixties!

Y'All

Strange couplings: It's rumored that Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are hooking up. Isn't she 17? I approve, of course, because pretty people should be together.

Brothers & Sisters: Kitty's love interest is a little too sweaty. I liked the guy she had an emotional affair with while she was married to Ro Blowe. The one she bonded with in the park. Either that or bring in Harrison Ford for a cameo. Can't wait to see him share the screen with Diane Keaton in Morning Glory (sounds like tea that makes you poop). At least Sally Field got to give another fantastic pep talk. This made up for the predictability of Desperate Housewives.

In a fit of insanity, Dish has signed up for Nanowrimo, which means writing a book in a month. From November 1-30, my postings might be brief. Are you with me, or are you with me?

As always, may the Cosmic Goddess grant me my wish: to have Duran Duran's "Rio" as my wedding song.

Guess Who's Not Watching Brothers and Sisters? Everyone.

Okay, that was mean. When I left the show a few minutes ago, Sarah was sewing a costume and on the phone. The Walkers are always bickering on the phone. I will return to the show only when Sally Field is doing it doggie style with John Stamos.

The world is short another angel as Barbara Billingsley died. Dish likes to remember her best as the woman who speaks Jive in Airplane: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymMBEwtRZOg. Blessings on BB's coming and going.

You remember my dreams of Tom Cruise as Christ from the last few years? Well, I'm reading Andrew Morton's biography of Tom and the truth is: Tom isn't tell-all worthy. At least Angelina got hopped up on drugs, cut herself and stole men from wives/fiancays. Tom's big scandal is Scientology--not as juicy as track marks on your arm or anorexia--and the leaking of his real personality in 2004. That was a bad year for me, too, and I did things I'd rather forget. It seems unimaginative to plunk him into the gay world. Maybe he's just weird and super-controlling. Every now and then he's fun to watch in a movie. End of story. Well, I still haven't gotten to the Katie Holmes years.

I Understand, Julia

In the course of life, one must accept certain things:

Death comes to all of us. As does weight gain once you hit 40. The creators of South Park are insane geniuses...and Julia Roberts must have fallen prey to Botox. I've been naive this whole time, but no more. She just looks too amazing in those trailers for Eat Pray Love. I forgive Julia for I might have done the same. Three kids, a career, and a hot husband do not make one younger. Julia has to be sleep-deprived, under pressure, and hoping to find the best possible projects. It's okay, Jules. I'm no one, therefore I eat a hot fudge sundae for you.

In other news: Miss New York, Claire Buffie, is running on platform of gay rights. Finally some enlightenment in the pageant. Now we just need a gay Miss USA/America, though I'm afraid Donald Trump probably wouldn't want someone who is unable to f*ck him. Well, count most intelligent girls in on that one.

Speaking of Gay Miss USA, James "Dawson" Van Der Beek is married again after finalizing his divorce in March. Lindsay Lohan was released from jail but will rehab for 90 days. Sometimes, you have to take a year off from life. Though, career-wise, she's been out of it for a good 7 years. Okay, 10.

Everyone is abandoning Brothers & Sisters, though I'm still on board if Sally Field is. Let's just call it The Nora Walker Show.

Weeping for Lynn Redgrave

I enjoyed Lynn Redgrave as much as her sister. She seemed like the type you'd want to have over for coffee. Vanessa, not so much, but with her I'd enjoy doing an in-depth analysis of Virginia Woolf's writings. Sadly, Lynn had been battling breast cancer these past seven years. Blessings on her coming and going. That family has had a crappy couple years.

Also crappy these past couple years is Desperate Housewives. As DishBrother notes, it was never good but now the show has become boring. Again, my butt has written better stories than last night's spectacle of ridiculousness. Three psychopaths all vying to unleash hell on one potential character we probably don't care about. I'd like a bloodbath, please.

In addition, last night's Brothers & Sisters was phoned in. As usual, Sally Field kept up the scenery with her puttering, cooking, and small talk. Justin's pointy-nosed-wife got all acty when he announced he was too dumb for medical school (get back on the Vicodin b/c it gives Sally something to do). You could tell Acty was all upset since she appeared without her usual glowing makeup. The wan look is a dead giveaway. Then, now that Luc is living with Sarah, he's lost his penis. Nora might be keeping it under her pillow until Treat Williams/Jon Tenney/Lindsay from Chariots of Fire/Danny Glover return to the show.

God help us all.

Of Flesh and Blood, I'm Made

According to www.perezhilton.com, Human League is back in the studio. Dish may be lost in the 80s, but it was a great decade for music and Human League got it started with "Don't You Want Me." I was in eighth grade, sporting a hideous perm and wearing striped velour shirts. TJ was my love interest and I used to walk by his house at least twice a week (STALKER!). Go, Human League. Help me stay young!

Aside from Harry Reid's psychotic brain fart, Conan O'Brien is getting pummeled by NBC (discriminating against redheads). Mark McGwire finally confessed to his crutch. Little Jimmy just asked if that would be on the final exam. 2012 is almost here. The truth emerges, like those silken words from Anita Bryant's mouth.

Not to end on a bad note: Desperate Housewives was terrible and the evilization of Jon Tenney on B&S made everyone laugh (because he's so nice). My one prayer: Please don't let Sally Field go too long without getting laid.

Happy Belated Birthday To Jon Tenney!

With my romantic drama unfolding, I forgot to wish Jon Tenney a Happy Late Forties Birthday--it was yesterday. He's so close to 50, it's hard for me even to mention this fact, BUT I WILL! Jon Tenney is closer to 50 than Dishbrother. Dish wishes Jon a healthy and happy year of Almost Fifty with many years of career success, which benefits everyone. (secretly wish we get to see real bed scene between him and Sally Field)

Happy Thanksgiving!

How interesting: according to Page Six, GMA will let girlfriend-beater Chris Brown sing but not gay Adam Lambert. Dish is tempted not to watch ANY shows on ABC--very difficult since Sally Field is my life.

So what did I do for Thanksgiving? I basked in the family-love of Dishbrother and Dishbrothersidekick who cooked for me all day long. We ate, watched Ever After, and scoured the web for obvious plastic surgery (Sarah Jessica Parker, Demi Moore, Roy Scheider). We discussed Dougray Scott's excellent hair and the timeline of his career (poorly cast in Desperate Housewives but we like him overall); how Drew Barrymore has an otherworldly look to her, is so adorable. We hate her accent in the movie but think she's a marvelous actress usually (Grey Gardens, Boys on the Side).

Dish did not eat turkey, is making up for it by obsessing over turkey waddle growing under chin. Maybe I will get my neck done.

Nora Walker Gets Around!

The B&S writers are going overboard with the influx of studs. First we welcomed Gilles Marini, though last night he needed a good Brazilian wax on his face. Next week, our own favorite JON TENNEY is cheating on The Closer's Kyra Sedgwick and making it with Sally Field. He is an excellent multi-tweaker. Can you imagine what Jon must be thinking: Thirty years ago, he was watching Smokey and the Bandit and fantasizing about fondling Sally Field. Now, HE GETS TO DO IT! Dreams really can come true. Best of all, the goddess has provided Dish with more geezer sex on B&S. Let's face it, they are both geezers.

Countdown: 43 and 1/2 days until Dish is reunited with TG. It's the greatest love story of our time.

Pass Me Some Kleenex

Dish loves her hissies and many were thrown on last night's Brothers & Sisters. TV cancer brings out excellent sh*tfits and I can't get enough of them. Calista got in some cancer crying, as did Sally Field at the end but Sally won the acting contest. Did anyone catch her calcium chew comment? She takes Boniva once a month.

Speaking of medicinal recommendations, Dish is following Dishmama's advice and taking Vitamin D. I'll try anything to get some shut-eye. Something tells me V-D is not as terrific as Ambien. Sigh. Everyone has a problem. At least I'm not lactose intolerant. That would mean giving up cheesecake and that's just not possible.

Other news: Poor Travoltas, poor Kate Gosselin though I don't believe for a second she doesn't have $$$ to pay her bills, still in love with Gaga and Duran Duran. Best of all: The Groom is booking his ticket home (to me). We're both certifiable but you only live once.

B&S Finale Stunk Hard

The title says it all. My friend Hershey's Kiss, an expert on Mexico, found this finale offensive with its stereotypes: no paved roads, everyone piling into a truck, working in the fields, mention of diarrhea, the same bar as in Desperado. All they needed was a gunfight and a tango scene. I'm offended by the boring storylines: Kitty misses Robert's helicopter after realizing she loves St. Elmo's Fire. How her emaciated form ran hard for that whirly bird. Poor Rachel Griffiths kept gazing at the pond while everyone else schvitzed and plotzed. I've never cared about anything less than Rebecca and Justin getting engaged. The Cutesy McCuteness of Patricia Wettig and Ken Olin in scenes together gave me Montezuma's Revenge. If only Sally could have had one last romp with Juan Valdez. Or is that South America? I'm sure these writers wouldn't know the diff. This season needed more geriatric sex, drugs, menopause talk, and food fights.

Happier: Joan Rivers wins as "The Apprentice." It's the only time I have one minutia of an iota of liking for Donald Trump though this will be gone by morning.

Katie Price and Peter Andre are separating: Does anyone in the US care? Who are they? I'm separating from dark chocolate and declaring it passe. Milk chocolate is better.

Chariots of Fabulous!

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Old and Fat Dish

Sad truth: I was in Old Navy today (Payless before that) and the pants didn't fit me in my usual size. I wonder if I'm getting fatter even though the scale says I'm only 5 pounds heavier than I was at 22. I'd ask Superman but he has the unbearable tendency to tell the truth. Any good gay man will tell me what I need to hear. Time for Dish to call a friend! [sound of potato chips crackling]

Tonight Dish will forget the transfer of weight from brains to hips by watching Sally Field smack Balthazar Getty on Brothers & Sisters. Love that Sally! She has a banging body still. Could be the Boniva.