Magic Mike Is Terrible

I really wanted to see this movie--though fell ill on the day I intended to cough up 13$. And thank goodness,  because it sucks! How many times can glorious Matthew McConaughey say, "Allright, allright, allright" in his precious twang? How boring is Channing's love interest and their romance? And how dare the creators keep hiding the baloney from devoted female/gay fans. This flick was pure tease with a deceptive trailer. For those who haven't seen it, save your dough. This is a transformation/coming of age story with boring dialogue. The most heinous crime is that it under-uses the bonerific talents of the werewolf from True Blood, Matt Bomer, Alex Pettycoats, and Channing Tatum--and McConaughey. They should have focused more on the stripping and made a Cinderella story for a girl to date a stripper--who is secretly rich and gives it all up for her!

If you've ever wanted to know who Dishmama has always reminded me of, watch this babe. This siren and my mother are practically separated at birth. But my mom is even more fabulous.

Desperate is not Serious

Desperate Housewives. Really bad. Someone who deserved to die died and now the wives are desperate to cover it up even though none of them did it. Plot hole city! What do you do when a show is flailing? Bring in the hunks. Enter the Scottish rogue who turned down Vanessa Williams. Throughout the whole episode, Dish kept thinking: this show needs Susan Lucci STAT! She better come quick because I don't know if I can stand any more. Saw first few minutes of Pan Am--great costumes, just okay.

Bullying: It's all over the news these days. Where was this furor when I was a kid? I wasn't gay, unathletic, too studious or even odd. I was a redhead! Dish got bullied all the time in middle school. Even today, I deal with adult bullies at least every other day and just swallow my rage. I'm glad that bullies will be ostracized, they're awful but...why all the coddling now when bullies are EVERYWHERE and always have been? Please don't send me hate mail. I am heartbroken that kids are committing suicide over bullies. I'm just bitter because fat little J_____ didn't get thrown in jail for making my life miserable. Though I did kick his voluminous butt one day when I'd reached my limit, even though he outweighed me by 100 pounds and had slower reflexes. Maybe there does need to be more policing since kids have more lethal weapons today...and they use them. With Lady GaGa involved, something might get done.

Dish is seeing Moneyball at the Director's Guild tonight. Excited! Love movies involving sports.

Almost Forgot to Post!

Because nothing is happening. For real! Well, except Susan Lucci is speaking out against her ABC boss who effed up All My Children and made everyone lose their jobs. Though weren't soaps on the way out? AMC may be gone, but Erica Kane is forever.

Watched Natalie Portman in The Other Woman. It's not an easy movie to watch, though worth it for one crucial scene between Natalie and Lisa Kudrow. Dish has no experience with such drama but cried like a baby at these two fine actresses' performances.

And that is it. Dish almost met a star this weekend but plans fell through. No big whoop. I keep my eyes and ears open on the street.

Say Yes, Susan! Say Yes, Yes, Yes, Oh, Yes, Yes!

So my self-imposed gag order lasted two minutes, because I won't let one hysterical person censor me, I'm not mean to the stars (usually) and most of all I remembered:

It's Shirley and Barbra's birthday! Everyone should get this day off. We have President's weekend and MLK, Jr. weekend. Why not Barbra and Shirley's weekend? They've both made quite an impression on the world. I learned from Shirley's books that she and Babs call each other on their day of birth. Isn't that sweet? So, I'm expecting Brian Austin Green, Forrest Whitaker, Ariana Huffington and Derrida (oh wait he's dead and I wouldn't understand him anyway because he's so obtuse) on July 15th.

My rumor of the week is that Susan Lucci might be on Desperate Housewives. She will breathe life into the show and steal it from everyone! I can't wait to see that goddess in a low-cut red dress, flaunting her hot wares all over Wysteria Lane!

All My Children and One Life to Live Cancelled!

What will Susan Lucci do? Maybe she'll have her own reality show where she looks for a job. Maybe she'll join the temping pool, which will give her new experiences. No, wait...I have it...SHE'LL JOIN THE CAST OF BROTHERS & SISTERS and play Sally Field's LONG LOST SISTER. There, I've put myself into an ecstatic coma.

Dish is embarking on a new project: The Gwen Stefani Challenge. For one week, I must put my face on and dress nicely before leaving the house or before TG even sees me in the morning. Gwen Stefani starts the day in full makeup and never lets herself slack off in ratty house skank-wear. Can I do this? I will need a haircut first.

Sally Field cast as Mary Todd Lincoln alongside Daniel Day Lewis. I can see it now, Sally in hoop skirt, "Abe, you have GOT to free the slaves, goddammit. Otherwise, this Civil War won't be so civil."

Happy Birthday to Susan Lucci!!!

And Eddie Vedder and Ralph Fiennes, but mostly Susan (who reminds us a little of Dishmama)!

Dish did something very embarrassing today--all for love. Love of TG, love of my upcoming wedding...and love of Duran Duran. I bombarded Roger Taylor's Facebook page with information about my ceremony music. I figured since FB's quiz "Which Duran Duran Member Are You?" indicated I'm Roger, he'd enjoy this news. Simon, John and Nick might be too flashy to get Dish's quietness. Plus, Roger and I love the same song on the new Duran Duran album. Can you tell I'm trying to project my nervous excitement onto DD rather than obsess about wedding. This is a crazy time. Will the lambs stop screaming, Clarisse?

Poor Jets coach Rex Ryan with his foot fetish hitting the Internets. Everyone has their thing. Mine is...all over this blog. And if you haven't heard yet, here's a Christmas present: Jersey Shore's Pauly D will get his own show because he's sooooo interesting. Perhaps he'll be discussing Cicero's speeches against Cataline.

Ike and Tina: Take 2

If rumors are true: Rihanna reconciled with Chris Brown after he smacked the bejebus out of her. I don't blame her. I love it when my man throws me across a room, suffocates me with a pillow, then drops me from high places. The more black/blue on my pale-as-a-ghost skin, the better! After a week, the bruises turn a faint yellow and I get to wear sunglasses and look like a moviestar hiding plastic surgery. Smacking adds depth to our relationship because his emotions are so complicated. He had a hard childhood, his daddy hit him so it's not his fault. Really, the more he hits me, the more he loves me.

Just kidding! When is hitting okay (unless it's done by Shirley MacLaine, Susan Lucci or Joan Collins)? Dish is thankful never to have been smacked--it would only happen once and I'd press big-time charges, especially since I've witnessed friends going through an abusive mate. It's ugly and *never* winds up being a one-time freak-out. I just hope Rihanna doesn't end up dead.

Sorry, no picture of them. I can't stand the sight of them right now. I'll go with my fall-back: the one who has nothing to do with this post and is a soothing balm to all domestic abuse: Gale Harold.

The Emmys...

...sucked giant hairy moose testes. There, I said it (sorry, Aunt Rachel and Mom). The opening from the five lame hosts was painful to watch, especially with the ripping off of mute Heidi Klum's suit. You know when a row of not-so appealing over the hill hosts surround a supermodel, the hetero-male bodice-ripping fantasy is soon to follow (cue: Eva Longoria surrounded by the cast of Entourage earlier this year). By 10 pm, when Don Rickles came out a second time, I turned it off. A special kudos to Christina Applegate, who was lovely and handled her moment with grace and humor. My secret crush Ricky Gervais did a fun bit. Last note: cannot wait for this election to be over since every award show in the last year has made nauseating political statements (mostly pro-Obama) that ignore the Republicans (who deserve a voice even though they're wrong) in the audience. We claim to be the land of the free? Mostly the land of You Should Think Exactly As I Think (insert stash of Forwards from former Palin classmate and bikini/gun photo).

But let's not quibble. Dish wants lightness. While I despise reality TV (except for Work Out and Kathy Griffin), I will watch Dancing with the Stars tonight. We may be a divided country, but please join me to celebrate a lady we should all get behind (if she can dance). She is a goddess in the flesh: SUSAN LUCCI!!!! I love her since I'm 10, mostly because she reminds me of my mom. Replete with brains and a statuesque gait, Mama Dish boasts gorgeous brown eyes, dark hair, and an infectious joie de vivre like La Lucci. They are both devilish and serious, glamorous and personable, your best friend and the last person you should ever cross. Fierce beyotches, these two. Oops, I said a bad word again. Go Susan (Love you, Mom)!

Gettin' It Post-50

As this celebrity-aholic approaches 40, she feels she might as well be 50 or even 60, since life is pretty much going to be this way until the end--with some minor evolutions, multiple shocks and age-related rituals (colonoscopy). So, what else is there to look forward to?

That's where I had to look toward my elders, who are doing it better than anyone else:

1. In Cet-Amour La, Jeanne Moreau--I do a dead-on imitation of her, you can ask my brother--plays Marguerite Duras and bewitches an adoring, twenty-three-year-old writer. They don't show any skin, just some passionate pecks and Jeanne ordering him around, which looked like fun.

2. Diane Keaton gets to sleep with both Jack Nicholson and Keanu Reeves in Something's Gotta Give. I would have chosen Keanu, not only for the obvious reasons, but also so that I could quiz him in medical jargon since he played a doctor.

3. Charlotte Rampling in anything, but most recently, Vers le Sud, where she bumps and grinds with her dude in a swimming pool. And are we surprised she played a cameo role in Basic Instinct 2--okay, yes, given the movie was so heinous?

4. I always love Jacqueline Bisset, who is more sexy now than twenty years ago. I think there's a Lifetime movie where she falls in love with the son of some neighbor--no, wait, that's Lynda Carter...or Susan Lucci. Jacqueline is still amazing.

Just to name a few bodacious over-50 babes... And then there's always Barbra Streisand, mentioned below. Maybe there are a few things to look forward to.