Books, Rumors and Vomit!

I can't get enough of my celebrity books. Once I'm done with Happens Every Day by Stabler's wife in L&O: SVU, I'm moving on to Lucky Me by Sachi Parker about being the daughter of Shirley MacLaine. It doesn't sound like a Mommie Dearest thing, but fer sher, frank talk about strange parenting. I've read a gazillion Shirley books and her mothering never seemed all that amazing. Her astral projecting--awesome.

My next tome is Beyond Belief Jenna Miscavige Hill. I'm obsessed with the celebrity Scientology thing, which is why I had to read their bizarre textbook from cover to cover. It's so eerie, I sort of get it. My introduction to Scientology came in the early nineties from someone high up in the organization who was linked to Tom's initiation. Back then, my star-senses were crude, aimless. If I knew then what I know now, I would have plunged into it, met famous people and somehow wheeled and dealed my way onto a sit-com. Lost dreams.

Today's rumor: that Nicole and Keith are splitting. I've heard this one before.

Marilyn Manson joins the ranks of Bieber and Gaga by yakking on stage, saying later he had the flu. I admire the show must go on attitude, but take a lesson from Barry Manilow who doesn't want to gross out his fans and wind up on TMZ: Stay the hell home and catch up on your Housewives! Though I feel Manson's down time involves picking scabs and howling in a dark room filled with blood and snake skins.

The Grammys aka Dumbfest are on tomorrow. Showing body parts forbidden. What is the talent going to do?

Downton Abbey--Spoilers and Thoughts

Finally--I am all caught up and saw the juiciness of Season 3's premiere. Overall, it's moving along nicely. Boring and Boring got married and are now boring in bed. Shirl, all trussed up in her 1920 old-lady finery, played Cora's mamala in a more understated way, which was sheer brilliance. Why? Because she can't out-do Maggie nor should she try. Of course, they made her sing. Wish only she'd hiked up her skirt and showed off her showgirl legs, given us some jazz hands. Edith still needs a good lay. The mystery for me is why Dishbrother hates Bates. I finally figured it out: because Bates is earnest, portly and crippled. It's like hating puppies and kittens!!! No but seriously, Dish sort of sees it now. Bates is kind of a sad sack, one of those people that always attracts trouble. The romantic fire between him and Anna is gone. So who am I rooting for? As always, Elizabeth McGovern because she's the most beautiful woman ever and the most tolerant wife. Imagine, she's supportive of her husband (i.e. the finance person in Notting Hill, as in he got to meet JULIA!) after he pisses away her millions. I'd kick him unconscious and then make him pay for dinner. No, I'd probably do what EM did, too, since I don't care about $$$.

Review of Vanderpump Rules: Don't even bother. Lisa Vanderpump is intriguing, like candy to watch but this show sucks major donkey dong. The setting is a nice restaurant, lots of hot waitresses and bartenders and their hotness. The plot: mostly Shasta and Fresca fighting, putting on superior waitress airs. Everyone hates Shasta because she slept with a married celebrity, like they wouldn't have done the same thing. It's a giant pile of the green stuff that came out of a donkey's ass on my white shoes when I was five and living in Paris. We were at the park. 


Review of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Abe's mom gets murdered and he's PISST. He goes after the vampire killer but his weenie human powers are no match for the undead! Somehow, Abe escapes, revenge burning hot in his loins. The boyfriend from Mamma Mia witnesses Abe's impotence from afar and decides to help him trash vampires. He montage-trains Abe to fight, lots of thrusting and ax-play -- because that's how you kill the undead. Then Abe meets Mary Todd, a sweet young thing. I'm sure he marries her and whatever. I stopped watching.

Thomas Gibson Arrest? So Unfair!!!

Forget racial profiling, what about celebrity profiling? Every day it seems the police are bringing in another trashed gorgeous person, who might have had a nip or two of the bubbly. Don't we have standards? Aren't there real criminals roaming the streets? It's like, if you're Lindsay or now Thomas Gibson, you can't have a drink or seven without having the fuzz come at you like black crows on a carcass.

Why I'm a great wife: Tonight is the premiere of Downton Abbey--with SHIRLEY MACLAINE for whom I'd take a bullet. I've waited months and months and months. Because TG has suffered through many hours of DishTV, we're watching his choice: Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cookoff. He's rooting for Gilbert Gottfried. Dish is rooting for Tori Spelling's husband.

One of my favorite moments on TV. If you don't like it, don't worry--I have a million favorites.

Justin Bieber, Smoking Doobies? NO WAY!!!

For the love of MaryJane, what is this I'm hearing about our favorite heartthrob even being in the vicinity of marijuana, much less smoking it? I'm bathing in pools of denial. All the tabs are aghast, flaunting pics of Boober holding a joint--like he's the President getting serviced by an intern. Sure, it's illegal in most states, but come on--he's a celebrity and a teenager with access to every possible sin. Dish is not implying she committed the same act at his age often, though props must be given that he doesn't have a needle in his arm on a daily basis. It's stressful being a teen role model. You don't even know.

Speaking of substance, Josh Brolin was arrested for public intoxication. Do you think Barbra bailed him out of the slammer? Oh wait, he's married to Diane Lane. Maybe they went together. Josh scares me, though is one of my favorite actors ever and should win an Oscar like yesterday.

I forgot: Downton Abbey comes back tomorrow, with our Shirl! She's only in a couple episodes (which makes me suspicious). I'll take it! Let's hope the season is all about Maggie, Lizzie McGovern, Bates and Anna and not the boring William and Mary--zzzzz.

Everyone is saying Lance Armstrong is going to confess to doping. It's the PC thing to do. But one can't forget, we're dealing with an a-hole here (I am very glad he survived cancer, would never wish him ill, but I still hold a grudge on behalf of my friend). A-holes tend to stay self-righteous, unless it's to fake remorse, which could result in another book deal and movie rights. Damn, he's totally going to confess....

Please Make the Phone Ring!

A celebrity's "people" called me today! We're playing phone tag, but this could be the little boost Dish needs after this month of no-holds-barred hell. Thank goodness I have the daily healing of TG, but celebrity opportunity is truly awesome, too. And to think, 24 hours ago, I was in the throes of a mild panic attack, the kind where I thought I was dying, needed to go into another room to watch Sons of Anarchy and read Runner's World just to calm down. Dishreaders, if I do wind up on TV again, I will require immediate hair rejuvenation. This red straw hasn't seen business-scissors in, oh, 6 months...

In star news: Elmo's voice/handler allegedly had been accused of having a relationship with an underage boy but today the accuser says never mind. I smell $$$$$$. I should have been way more crafty as a 16 y.o. I could have been rich! Sure, I would have sold my soul but what does that mean anymore if you can buy out Anthropologie?

Praying for calm waters tonight. Listening to Enya, watch a little Jack Black and Shirl in Bernie, some post-election-musings on CNN, break into the Edgar Cayce's book on angels. Or the article on exercises to develop a stronger lower back. Perhaps the bio on Catherine de Medici instead? This Sybil brain needs a little of everything.

Poor Leo. Why Do We Care about His Love Life?

Because he dates beautiful models, preferably from the Victoria Secret catalog, which Dish reads religiously. He just discarded another one. I love that I'm never surprised when I see him out with another luscious blond--or that you can always count on the 3 for 1 deals on striped thongs, the free coupon for underpants during your birthday month. Leonardo's taste in women is as regular as his choice in movies -- mostly Scorcese. Can you believe that McConaughey was the top contender for Jack in Titanic? That would have been awesome. I never liked Leo in that role because he looked about twelve. Now, he's maybe 30. Okay, I'll admit, I had a little pervy Leo crush for about a month around Titanic time (who didn't? Oh, Dishmama, that's who) but then felt very cradle-robby and gross. The best acting Leo did since Gilbert Grape was in The Departed and Revolutionary Road. Just my opinion.

So, Dish is contemplating seeing a past life expert. Isn't that so Shirley MacLaine? There has to be a reason why I love the music of The Four Seasons. And Ancient Rome, I love that empire circa 44BC-14AD. I took 9 years of Latin, which dovetailed nicely with my obsession with Egypt. For why? I want to find out because I was totally Cleopatra, beyotches.

TV is just no good anymore

I'm canceling Scandal from my DVR schedule. I hate the characters. All Kerry Washington does is yell orders into a phone. The script is too Sorkin-esque. It has to die. This sh*t is why people watch reality TV. Homeland and Cupcake Wars all the way.

Was so blue and stressed yesterday I bought my 4th ticket to see Jersey Boys. Dish has to check out the new cast. Jarrod Spector is such an awesome Frankie. As I blasted the soundtrack, it became evident that I experienced The Four Seasons in another life or they've become my new Duran Duran while the band is on hiatus. What's the truth? I need Shirley MacLaine and John Edward, STAT!!! 

TG yelled at me for hovering while he got ready for work. I'm passive aggressively soaking my rings in salt water. And then I'm ironing a messy double-crease on his pants!!!

Paris is now a DJ?

I'm all for Paris Hilton trying to find herself. This past week, she debuted as a DJ somewhere south of Dish. I saw the clip and, first of all, I don't get the DJ as rock star. Aren't they supposed to be off to the side, up in the booth? Where's the mystique if they stand on stage and push buttons? Not interesting at all! I say, Paris needs to go to college.

TV Land aired American Film Institute's honoring of Shirley Maclaine. I confess my eyes filled at the start-up music. A room filled with Julia, Meryl, Jack, Don Rickles (It's not always about you, Morgan Freeman!). How could I not cry a little? I love my Shirl but what the hell animal died on her head? She wore a weird wig but those sparkling blue eyes are mesmerizing. Julia did well, looks great with her tanner but...I hate to admit this...I'm turning a little. The wind tells me she might not be my imaginary best friend after all. Must consult an acquaintance in the know. Jack Nicholson should never speak in public again. It's okay because Jack Black blew everyone away, facing her reincarnation stuff head-on.

The skinny: Koda is frontrunner to take over for Ann Curry. I like that but hate that Ann Curry is being skewered. I think she's been treated like crap from Day #1. Let the tide turn and make her beloved. Octomom has a boyfriend but Dish smells a beard to get on TV.

So Dish has written her scandalous and bitchy fictitious memoirs and needs a good first name pseudonym, something modern and peppy. Any ideas?

Happy Birthday, Babs and Shirl!!!

First, we must give thanks to the lives of Barbra and Shirley, whose birthdays are today. Happy Birthday, you fierce Tauruses! You girls inspire me. Here's some epic Babs and Shirl that'll make your knees weak.

Sorry for the less than dynamic segue but Lindsay Lohan was cast as Elizabeth Taylor for a new Lifetime movie. Dish feels mixed. If this had been the Lindsay of 10 years ago, I would have said BRILLIANT casting. She can look like Elizabeth and act. But she's been terrible of late in movies, like her muscles have atrophied. There is lots of gasket blowing over this casting, which is perfect for building the hype. That's all a movie needs these days--buzz and hype, not necessarily content or talent. Rosie O'Donnell, Star Jones, Michael Lohan, and Donnie Deutsch have weighed in, and you know these are the ones we all look to for up-to-date opinions. That was mean. I do actually listen to them. Can't resist Rosie's sass!

So, if it weren't for goddesses like Shirl and Babs, I'd give up. The Kardashians rule the world. They just got a 40million+$ deal from E for more reality. And will I watch them? Absolutely yes not. They are geniuses the vile scourge of the universe. Maybe I'll donate time and brain cells to more satisfying causes -- like literature and indies.

Are Mila and Ashton really dating? That's cute. I'm still not over the Demi/Ashton breakup but I have to move on at some point. And--Kleenex dab--they're adorable together, like two string beans fried up in butter with almond shavings.

I need more dinner.

Feeling a Little Bloated

Readers, I am full of a substance akin to hot air. For my February resolutions, I decided I need to release a few things so that I can glide like a ballerina again. I need to banish:

1. My hate for Peter Berg because he flicked a cigarette in Dishbrother's face in high school. Peter has done great work and I have to focus on that. (Dishbrother has aged way better)
2. My fear of Hilary Swank and Julia Stiles's wolf teeth. The nightmares won't stop but perhaps if I ask them what they want, maybe they'll go away. I do love them as actresses.
3. The fantasy that Shirley MacLaine will conjure me and we'll take long hikes through the rough terrain of New Mexico. Then, after a meal of yogurt and dried fruit (her diet on the Camino), maybe we can both talk to Heath Ledger, Marilyn, Elvis and ask WTF happened. I long for this, but Downton Abbey will take up her time.
4. My inability to remember how Anderson Cooper is awesome. It's coming back now. He's doing a great job of reporting the horror in Syria.
5. The urge to watch Fox News, just for fun. They just suck--and not in a good way.
6. The propensity to follow the wave of Stupid, like getting caught up in the Kardashians (which won't go away) or all those housewives. My brain is filled with manicures, frozen faces and expensive dresses that look cheap. A FB Friend just "liked" a literary journal. Why am I not doing the same? Tee hee.

I can't release my foraging for star-gossip:

Like that anchorman Greg Kelly was cleared of rape charges. If there is a god, I hope she/he helps his accuser, whatever happened.

The Bachelor's big crybaby Jake Pavelka has joined Chippendales in Las Vegas. Wasn't he a pilot? It's so sad when skilled professionals go into show business. Self-respect doesn't live here anymore. Poor Jake.

House is ending after eight years. The sobbing you hear is TG, though that could be because our Fios isn't working.

Gary Busey is broke. I have two words: Point Break 2.

Step Back, Maggie. Shirl Is Comin' to Downton!

Did you hear the shriek of ecstasy in Manhattan's financial district? That was Dish reading that Shirley MacLaine is joining the cast of Downton Abbey, the sensation that's sweeping this anglophile nation. She and Maggie and Elizabeth--there are no words. I'm verklempt!

Re SAGs: Well, my picks were wrong, mostly because I forgot that the stars are all about: Craft and Political Correctness. Do not reward projects about or containing: drugs, bad people, actresses with huge boobs, frivolity, serial killing (unless actor is enduring strife in real life). And always give the award to Betty White. I saw 95% of the movies/TV, am obsessed with all the nominees. I just didn't agree. But then, awards are just gravy to excellent work.

SAG observations:

Who looked really pissed to be there: Angelina Jolie, Armie Hammer
Gorgeous: Viola Davis (I cried when she won, even though I thought Michelle or Meryl would--Viola is a goddess), Glenn Close, Michelle Williams and Sofia Vergara (the new Susan Lucci of award shows), Jane Lynch!
Angelina talking to Tilda Swinton at the end--what was that about?

The latest:

Mary Hamer "resigns" from the Joran van der Sloot case. Anderson crying over potential loss of ratings.

Elton John is my hero! I love his bitchiness. He says he hopes Madonna lip syncs "good" at the Superbowl halftime show.

Biggest news: Get your DVRs ready. Dish and TG will be on TV, on Valentine's Day! More details next week!

Beatle Marries

Paul McCartney got hitched to Nancy Shevell. She's hot with that awesome long, straight hair. Quick poll: How long do you take to get ready in the morning? Is under 20 minutes acceptable? Happy marriage to these two. What is Heather Mills doing to cope?

TG and high-powered lawyer brother taunted me with the following absurd lie that even more absurdly I believed for 30 seconds: that b-i-l was helping John Taylor invest in some lucrative project, that JT was the "finance brain" of Duran Duran. A-holes!

Does Simon look a little like William Shakespeare in the following well captured concert song by audience member: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WDFhlPOM0k&list=FLgKF76xPBOTIX6LFpyz2cwA&index=2. This song makes me weep. You know, if I had a beard, it would hide my donuts and fraps. I've gained a pound for every year I've been in NYC (14)--though I came to the city a stick. Frightened for my health, DM stuck burgers in my face. I started eating them.

Mikey Welsh of Weezer from 1998-2001 was found dead--another OD. :(

Let's end with something happy: Shirley MacLaine to receive AFI Lifetime Achievement Award. Way to go, Shirl! Love her madly.

Good Times

What sordid lives these people lead. Ex-Hef-fiansay told Howard Stern that sex with Hef lasted a few seconds. Ewww and can you BLAME HIM? He's a thousand years old and if I were surrounded by boobies all day, I'd grow tired and uninterested in flesh. Now people are defending Hef, testifying to his long-lasting libido. Ew.

More ew: A giant uproar about Katherine Heigl's being 20 minutes late to The Book of Mormon, disrupting viewers with these antics and then smoking an electric cigarette during the show. No manners. If I were rich, I'd still get to the show on time.

A special shout-out to John Amos, one of Dish's favorite actors. He's just so cuddly and magnetic on screen. At this moment, TG is immersed in an episode of Good Times, which, to Dish, is way better than The Munsters, his last obsession. I can tell how happy TG is by how often he wiggles his toes. Good Times = mega wiggle.

Pics of Rachel Weizs's wedding band have surfaced and she and I are kindred spirits. We have the same simple band.

Just when I was praising her business savvy, Kat Von D left two interviews and canceled the promotion for her new season of L.A. Ink, no doubt due to press over her recent breakup with Jesse James. This lady needs to have a serious talk with Shirley MacLaine, who performs even when she's yakking her brains out. Stiff upper lip. Do the job.

Star Sighting Sandwich--Julianne Nicholson and Marcia Gay Harden!!!

6:57 pm, 17th and 7th Avenue: Chill, statuesque with sparkling eyes, Julianne Nicholson glided past me before I shrieked. I'm so used to seeing her hot husband Jonathan Cake that I hadn't been as privy to her hotness. Not only could she play Shirley MacLaine, JN is a bombshell! Not a bombshell is Rik Ocasek past whom I might have brushed in Westside Market. He was bundled up and emaciated. Total Rik, right?

11:55 am, 24th and 5th Avenue: JJ texted me when he saw The Goddess herself Marcia Gay Harden, who first dazzled Dish as the awful shrink in The First Wives Club. JJ reports that Marsha, "Looks like Every Woman On the Street." (JJ tends to capitalize every first letter)

Other news: Frankie Muniz of Malcolm in the Middle might have had a domestic disturbance. That seems to happen when hit shows go off the air and young stars flail. Not good. Tonya Harding is pregnant with her first child, surprising since she seemed the type to get this done by age 14. Okay, that was mean. I believe in second chances and hope she is happy. Finally, Dish is finally a Belieber. Yes, I think Justin Bieber is awesome. I'm not wild about his music, but I enjoy him as a teen idol. Good sport.

Almost Friday

I'm not sure who I'd rather be in this picture. How nice it would be to experience the magic of Julia and Javier up close. At the very least, I want to know what Julia is knitting. Will be satisfied to see the chemical explosion when Eat Pray Love comes out in August.

I'm not excited about Ironman 2 as it looks mediocre. Bret Michaels is on the cover of People and I don't understand how this happened. In his hospital picture, he's wearing a bandanna and fake-sleeping. It reminds a little of when Meryl Streep dressed up Shirley MacLaine when she was in the hospital in Postcards from the Edge.

At this point, life can't get better. TG is out getting me ice cream, no questions asked.

I Almost Forgot!

Happy Birthday to Barbra Streisand and Shirley MacLaine. I have Funny Girl and Sweet Charity ready to watch. Good thing TG not here to witness this Persephone marathon. I ate too much ice cream. Scotch is next.

Random Question

As I toiled in an unrelated field, the question popped into my head:

Is Shirley MacLaine getting any?

I hope so. Note to self: purchase Out on a Leash, though think it's not about gay S&M but canine ownership. Rats!

Love ya, Shirl, even beyond this life.

Big Swinging Dicks

I'm so tempted to bring out my ruler. There's all this talk about Jay Leno moving to later and pushing Conan O'Brien to midnight or beyond. The Oracle of Dish foretold a huge disaster putting JL on five times a week, edging out better shows. Can't you imagine these NBC executives (I envision a mix of good-looking empty shells and nerds who've never been laid and are now so pissed) sitting in a plush conference room, dreaming up ideas that are hopelessly out of touch with viewers? Conan is like one of the 101 Dalmatians trudging through the cold, trying to find shelter. It saddens me since Conan is funnier than that joker! Not to mention, he and Dish took the same flight to Toronto on Air Canada, so we're bonded for life. If you ask Dish, the wisest course is to put Craig Ferguson and Conan as close as possible to each other and let tries-too-hard Jay work on his freaking cars.

To paraphrase Shirley MacLaine in Postcards from the Edge: It's so important for Conan to have his turn. Jay has had his!

DH and B&S Spoiler--Not a Gale in Sight

Maybe I'm prejudiced in that I feel Gale Harold should be on TV at all times, preferably without his shirt on. While I was in denial through his absence from the Desperate Housewives credits, by 10pm it was clear: Gale is gone. Teri Crapper married Boring Mike again, turning Dana Delaney all crazy-pants. DO YOU BLAME HER? Why would she be friends with that skitzy wh*re after she stole her husband? How could these two fight over one super-soporific dead clunker of a man? My favorite moment was when Felicity Huffman claimed her abs were ruined from having four children, but then you see her rock-hard perfect belly during the ultra-sound on her twins. Brothers & Sisters was a precious spat-fest between Patricia and Sally, who seemed to have misinserted their tampons. Patricia and Ken Olin will do anything to get in the same frame and recreate their Thirty Something cutesiness. Kitty's swollen nodes on her neck: it always starts out with someone having an endless flu and thinking it's nothing. Remember Terms of Endearment--Yeah, IT'S BEEN DONE, WRITERS. Hope Sally will have a screaming Shirley MacLaine sh*tfit to get Kitty her PIILLLLLSSSSS! Why can't one of the male characters get cancer? It's always so the women can wear their beautiful long headscarves, be pale and maybe get nominated for an Emmy. Thank goodness, his Royal Godliness Julian McMahon got breast cancer on Nip/Tuck. Someone on these shows needs to get ball cancer. Or...go gay. Equal treatment, please.

That was more of a rant than I expected. Dish is really feeling the love, planning her wedding and picking out Godiva truffles and large martini glasses in case the groom never shows. A girl is always prepared and just fine as she is.

Still a Rock Star

People are complicated. Our former president ate pizza/got blown/made inappropriate comments that sabotaged his wife's campaign. Today he got two U.S. journalists pardoned by North Korea. Did he promise that leader sexual favors (you know that's the joke all the late night hosts will have)? Even through his *um* gaffes, I never gave up hope.

What I don't understand is how Shirley MacLaine fell in love with Fred MacMurray in The Apartment. He is as sexy as a worn shoe but she loved him enough to overdose on sleeping pills. Maybe I've been doing it all wrong? Normally, I see attempted suicide as a relationship dealbreaker but here it only inflames Jack Lemmon's love. Shirley did the perfect thing by getting her stomach pumped and heaving in Jack's bathroom. Lesson learned. The problem is...well, there's the whole ending-of-life thing. Too much effort for this lazy scheming girl.

Dish had a near miss where checks were mislaid (poor checks) and all sorts of accusations would have come to light. Thanks to the good people of Chase, it was made clear that Dish is a space cadet. I blame it on the heat and my feeling under the weather.