Jen's Uterus--An Update

Allegedly Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant but this could be covering up for her pregnancy. Dishmama would call this policing genitalia. It's true, we spend our time watching her belly for signs of fetus. At this point, we'll be relieved if she births even a paramecium from her shriveled internal repro-parts (I'm 12 mo. ahead of you, Jen). God forbid she go her whole life without breeding a perfect, shiny blond with gigantic blue eyes and perfect comedic timing. Seriously--these rumors have plagued her for over 10 years. Why aren't we bothering James Franco? Why isn't he reproducing? Bradley Cooper and George Clooney need to pop out some kids, too (preferably together and we can see pics).

Dishbrothersidekick informed me that a celestial event will occur: the return of Catherine Bell as The Good Witch. DBSK writes:

Mark your calendar for Sat, Oct 26!!! Hallmark is having a Good Witch marathon starting at 11am covering all 5 movies and premiering the 6th installment, The Good Witch's Destiny (at 11pm)!!!!!

And I just read they started shooting number 7 already, The Good Witch's Wonder! (which will air next year). 

Here are the links:

http://lost-sheep-2.livejournal.com/237174.html

http://www.hallmarkchannelpress.com/Schedule/Calendar?SiteID=142&NodeID=144&thedate=10/26/2013

https://m.facebook.com/pages/The-Good-Witchs-Series/

http://www.broadwayworld.com/bwwtv/article/Catherine-Bell-Chris-Potter-Reunite-for-Seventh-Installment-of-Hallmarks-THE-GOOD-WITCH-20130917

Can you feel our enthusiasm? I can't get enough of that Catherine.

Speaking of too good to be true, Dish went to Jersey Boys for the twelfth time. Wedged between enormous and loud people, I felt very uncomfortable. And just when I started to think God doesn't exist, I heard the voice of Dominic Scaglione, Jr. and I know the divine exists in his vocal cords. He is a fabulous Frankie and I never get nervous about his missing a note (that doesn't always happen). His voice is always strong. Okay, Dish just loves all the Frankies and everything related to JB.

Jersey Boys--The Movie

I'm having a Teflon relationship with Clint Eastwood in that I've forgotten his senile rantings to that Obama chair a year ago and only remember that he's directing the movie version of Jersey Boys. Anyone smart enough to do this has the power to erase my memory. Plus, the old guy needs something to do with the just publicized news of his alleged separation from his wife. More of the cast list has been released, which includes our beloved John Lloyd Young* as Frankie. I love all the theater Frankies I've seen and, as a result, I've been living in fear that they would cast, oh, I don't know, Robert Pattinson in the role. I can't wait to see this! Plus, it will be cheaper than what I've paid for Broadway (over 1K).

Today in star-child-abuse-via-baby-naming: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are parents to a baby boy named Axl Jack Duhamel.
 *Dishmama's secret imaginary boyfriend until he missed a note in one song. She's gone back to Colin Firth. Just kidding. That's just my secret imaginary fantasy of my mother's imaginary star crushes. My inner world is far too active.

Julia Is In New York!!!

I sort of knew our Julia was Dish-proximate but today there was photographic evidence of her in the Post (love the shorts, love the flats, love the shades, love to) on her way to see The Lion King. From the ratty flannel in her purse, I'll guess her children were nearby. Otherwise, she would have joined me for my 12th viewing of Jersey Boys, aka the best show on earth.

In my pre-sleep haze, I noticed Kat Von D ended her engagement to Deadmau5 and alleged that he cheated on her. The tweets were vicious! While I will never get a tattoo, I am rooting for Kat Von D. She chooses crappy guys, but who hasn't? She makes a fine lipstick.

Shadiness: James Woods (66) parades his new 20-year-old girlfriend. The Deen endorsements continue to disappear. I wore a wifebeater in public and renewed my library card.

TG is watching a nature show on bears. He's into bears, especially the Snuggle and Charmin bears. We might get one as a pet. 

I Dropped an Ativan Down My Bra During Jersey Boys

Trapped between Typhoid Ted and two nice people close to death, I knew I'd get jittery by "Opus 17." It takes lot of effort to dodge coughing fits and seek alternate routes should Grim Reaper start singing "Oh what a night..." Dish flees in a crisis. I put off medicating until right before "Too Good to Be True" when the fidgets got too Sybil, even for me. I deftly reached into my purse, brought out my First Aid Kit, and oh-so gingerly pulled out the little white speck. The minute I put it up to my mouth it dropped into the abyss. I started laughing, thinking, Thanks, Universe. Message received. So I closed my eyes and just listened, felt so much better naturally because of that fabulous song.

More drama from the Met Gala. Gwyneth Paltrow didn't like it and now we hate her even more. Imagine, a costume party that's not FUN. Can I go in her place next year? And also, now that Randy Jackson is leaving Idol at the end of the year, I'm volunteering to replace him, with all my years of experience. Oh no, wait. I can't sit with Nicki Minaj. Mariah, yes.


Allegedly, Real Housewives of NYC have threatened to walk if they don't get gigantic paychecks. I say, Andy Cohen, drop this particular cast immediately. This past season was a big fat snore. (I'll be a housewife for free--plus 100K
...)

Breakups and Babies!

I liked the pairing of Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen (who had a baby with Kate Beckinsale) so their recent breakup makes me wonder where we're headed as a society. They could have made The Notebook II. Now he might have to go back to playing Tony Blair forever. She'll take over where Jennifer Garner has left off. I don't like it.

Today Perez Hilton announced that he is a dad. I bet he'll be great at it--said with absolutely no WASP sarcasm. He's smart, has resources and seems to have a moral compass. Again, no sarcasm. I really mean it.

The best part about today--other than clean laundry, covert purchase of another Jersey Boys ticket and secret eating of mini-Rittersport and hiding evidence before TG could see it--is that Duran Duran's John Taylor now has dual citizenship, i.e. he and I are both Americans. I will now speak with a British accent!

TG is eating tripe soup. Major ewwww. Do all boys eat like that?

Jersey Boys is Officially Obsessed with Dish

So I Tweeted about seeing Jersey Boys (from several accounts) on 2/13 and THIS miracle happened:

I almost fainted, for real. I mean, Jersey Boys answered my Tweet (TG has already rained on my parade, claiming their "marketing agent"--like he knows the official title--did the deed). And they used the hashtag of my favorite Four Seasons song, like we have ESP! This is not a marketing agent or personal assistant, this is the magic of the Four Seasons. If you think about it, they are practically begging me to go again. And I will. Tomorrow Next week month. 

Junky TV Brings Us Together

In high school, there was a team of women who were like my sisters--still are. I also had on my roster about 20 girls that I worshiped from afar, the ones who looked like they were having a blast, always well put-together, dating and happy. Almost 30 years later, I bond weekly with many of these girls via Facebook over the latest sh*tty TV. It's life-affirming to find kinship in a really sad, sad addiction. My world keeps expanding. I'm not alone.

 If you watched O last night, you know that the state of the union is strong. Why can't O use another adjective? What about robust or as free-flowing as the waters of Lake Titicaca? The best part was Rubio's counter-talk and his swigging the Poland Spring, maybe to wash down the Xanax? Yesterday, I think I irritated someone by crackling an Altoid wrapper during a meeting--a little like The Biscuit pouring water during a trial on Ally McBeal. Dish might subconsciously do it on purpose, which is evil. Well, it's mostly nerves. But Rubio should have contained himself for TV since TV = Life. I didn't witness the swig. By then, Dish had turned off telephonic devices to devote evening to TG and See's chocolate.

And tonight...it's off to Jersey Boys again!

Golden Globes - 1 Day

Apologies for last night. I was with Dishfriendsincediapers, introducing her to the glory that is Jersey Boys (my 7th time, ushers still aren't impressed). John Lloyd Young (aka Dishmama's imaginary boyfriend) returned as Frankie. The show was such fun as usual and Dishfriendsincediapers now understands my mania. It is now hers. Alas, I'm going to be more conservative and go only if absolutely necessary for mood boost possibly next month.

Then today I went to see Chicago because Dishbrotherfriend Ray Bokhour is playing Amos, Roxy's husband. What a great show and Dishbrotherfriend brought the house down with "Mr. Cellophane." The two female leads were also jaw-droppingly amazing. All those foxy Fosse dancers made me want to hit the gym even harder after I eat this pain au chocolat. Can't wait to see it again!

Some big star news: Britney and Jason are no more. This worries me. Who's going to prop Britney up? Dish is volunteering, though Brit would have to move to NYC (Linds is coming too--I could start a day care). I've already started developing lesson plans. Jason Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde are engaged--congrats, can see this. And, everyone is saying that Lance will come clean to Oprah about doping on Monday. I am setting my DVR to "pigs flying out of hell." Oops, sorry, no room, Oprah--The Bachelor and Real Housewives and Bones take precedence. 

Well, tonight I'm just going to keep reading In the Pleasure Groove by Duran Duran's John Taylor. It's addictive! Maybe with all the chapters on his coking out, I'm getting contact coke high? Cannot wait for the section on when John Taylor and Amanda de Cadenet become Mr. and Mrs. Too Gorgeous for Words!

Golden Globes tomorrow. Will miss politically incorrect Ricky Gervais.

Day 2 of the New Year

Okay, 2013, so far you're not amazing me. Just kidding! Just kidding kidding--screw you, fiscal cliff and congress. I'm not really sure what's happening nor have I watched the news in weeks. Someone said something bad happened. When it comes to $$$, my brain goes foggy. Where's my J-Crew catalog? So Chris Christie is mad and he just made a speech dissing all those bad people who squeaked through a crappy deal (though again, I'm not sure what the deal is). TG is slightly in love with CC now, though we both feel he's a little Me Me Me and a bully we never want to cross.

Some violence to start the year: Sofia Vergara's finance got into a fight during a NYE party in Miami.It's hard to imagine that a physically combative person would be good enough for our Sofia. Chris Guerra, a paparazzo, died while chasing Justin Bieber's car. Of course, there's a moral to the story, but the poor guy lost his life. His family must be devastated.


The Parents Television Council is pissed at Kathy Griffin over simulating oral sex on Anderson. Me too, I'm enraged. When I watch Kathy and Anderson on NYE, I expect wholesome fun and absolutely no dick jokes.

Dishmama is somewhere south of the border. Like way south. Hoping she sends a carrier pigeon soon to let me know all is well. I'm so stressed with worry, I'm seeing Jersey Boys tomorrow night!

Poor LeAnn Rimes!

Remember the days when all LeAnn did was sing? Now she's flashing the bikini, getting into twitter wars, and is becoming the butt of so much yick. The latest craziness occurred on X Factor when LeAnn appeared with this young girl and kinda of acted strange. Some say she was drunk. Dish just doesn't think she practiced singing with the girl and felt super-awkward. The girl was great. I don't know. Maybe I worry too much? I want LeAnn to come out of this in one piece and just sing.

Then on the other side of normal is Claire Danes who gave birth to Cyrus Michael Angelo Einstein Fancy Dancy Pants. I only care that Homeland continues.

Dish had a marvelous time at Jersey Boys. Told the ushers it was my fifth time but they weren't impressed. Male usher told me I should wear something red (ole!) so that the cast could see me better, making me a real whore groupie. The ushers told me the lady next to me had seen it 191 times. Superfan showed me pictures of her with the cast, told me how nice "John" and "Jarrod" and "Matt" were. Ya know "John" answers all his fan mail? The music thrills me, as always. Can't wait to see it again next week!

Broadway Bound!

Dish accomplished some good things in the last 24 hours. Got to catch up with Dishmama and Dishstepfather--and eat a secret Snickers on the train home. So much happened while I was gone. TG went to Chelsea Piers to exercise. Barky newsman Sam Donaldson was arrested for DUI. Can't a guy have a few drinks and operate dangerous machinery in peace? 

Gossip Girl has finally been revealed. I gave up on GG last season but even I wanted to know. It was pretty logical, this person's being the one. I will miss Blair and Chuck. In times of stress, I will say, "I'm Chuck Bass."

Did you see that Carmen Electra and Simon Cowell are dating? Yeah, not in a million years do I believe this but hey, nice work if you can get it. One relationship that seems to be in trouble: Bethenny and Jason. All the rags have them divorcing immediately. Sadly, Dish saw this coming. When you begin your relationship on a reality show, it can't survive past that contract.

A propos of nothing, whenever I hear a tap-tap-tap anywhere, I think it's Dishcat about the hurl. #PTSD

Jersey Boys for me tonight!

Starbuns in the Oven?

It looks as if Channing Tatum does have sex with his wife since she might be carrying his almighty seed. I'm sorry, ladies. Dish is rooting for Jenna since she had the good taste to appear on American Horror Story. Not so much Channing because of Magic Mike which wasted precious minutes of my life.

A controversial topic of the last ten years has resurfaced. Is Jennifer Aniston finally pregnant? She's wearing baggier clothes and refusing alcohol. Sorry to say, Dish isn't buying it. I am also enjoying baggier attire since comfort is more appealing. Track suit, anyone? And because I sleep poorly and booze keeps me awake, I refuse the sauce. Plus, thanks to some fertility clinics, Dish knows the odds of her being preggo right about now. If she is, may the force be with her. She and Justin will have gorgeous children with fantastic comedic timing.

Dish is off on a short road trip that will wind up in the second row of Jersey Boys on Wednesday night!

Here's Why You Should Never Peak Too Early

Olivia Newton John and John Travolta kill the dream of Gen-Xers everywhere with this pile of sh*t. I mean, do they think we're morons? It's not even cute. It's just stupid and insulting. What's with the soul patch and severe horrible chia pet pate on your head, JT? How did Olivia lower herself for this drek that I could have filmed on my iPad? This is so upsetting to me. Christmas sucks now.

Some good things: Dish is going to see Jersey Boys again! I've worked for the same place for 15 years and I'm getting extra dinero which will fund my Row 2 on December 19th. Who Loves You! And my fave Beverly Hills Housewife Brandi Glanville dissed LeAnn Rimes for letting her son accidentally eat her laxatives. Ugh...This smells so ugly. Dish has always been on Team Brandi. I'd totally be her BFF.


If you haven't heard enough about Emily Maynard, get ready for her stint on Dancing with the Stars. I'm done with her, though. Picked the wrong guy, rumors she was a big diva.

Okay! Off to Lily White's Party.

I See the Light!!!

Around 5ish, the power came back on--just in time for the celebrity-studded Sandy relief telethon which did nothing for me so I turned it off!!! Plus, having a great husband helps in a time of crisis. Three years ago, I would have never fared so well during Sandy. I would have merged with my couch, not eating for days, letting the batteries run out before my brother and his husband retrieved me via wheelbarrow and IV drip of Revivafrin. TG recharged the electronics, got the big flashlights and last night...sniff...he accompanied me to Jersey Boys. Sandy made him desperate.

Jersey Boys for the 4th time in less than a year am I a psycho or what did not disappoint, though the audience was in outer space and did not applaud as often as I would have liked. So, of course, I had to be one of the starters of the standing O at the end. What a mood-booster and I love the new cast! The new Tommy DeVito, Jeremy Kushnier, is saucy, magnetic and the kind of actor who's probably really good in every role he plays. He's especially oily as Tommy, which is what I'd envisioned. Drew Gehling's Bob Gaudio is tall, geeky and sweet--with a killer voice. You can't go wrong  with Matt Bogart, who made me and TG giggle through most of the show. And of course, I'm always partial to Jarrod Spector as Frankie. He really is fantastic. This post-Sandy week really sucked and JB cheered me up.

Now when can I go again?

TV is just no good anymore

I'm canceling Scandal from my DVR schedule. I hate the characters. All Kerry Washington does is yell orders into a phone. The script is too Sorkin-esque. It has to die. This sh*t is why people watch reality TV. Homeland and Cupcake Wars all the way.

Was so blue and stressed yesterday I bought my 4th ticket to see Jersey Boys. Dish has to check out the new cast. Jarrod Spector is such an awesome Frankie. As I blasted the soundtrack, it became evident that I experienced The Four Seasons in another life or they've become my new Duran Duran while the band is on hiatus. What's the truth? I need Shirley MacLaine and John Edward, STAT!!! 

TG yelled at me for hovering while he got ready for work. I'm passive aggressively soaking my rings in salt water. And then I'm ironing a messy double-crease on his pants!!!

Star Sighting--Kyle MacLachlan!!!

9:56am, 87th and Amsterdam: Dishbrother spotted this Twin Peaks/Desperate Housewife god smiling and carrying a script. DB said Kyle looked AMAZING. Dish believes it after a sighting at Le Singe Vert where he did seem to glow with heavenly light. His Adonis-ness was hidden by Marc Cherry who sat on it, put it in a wheelchair and grayed its hair.

It's official that Jef(f) and Emily from The Bachelorette are not lost in love. Jef is spending his post-breakup time with Arie Luyenigiveup. This would hint at the possibility that Emily ain't no cakewalk as a fiancee. Though if I were that pretty and young, I might be trying to get on every show I could. I should do that now.

The Debate: Obama kicked ass. Media is reluctant to say decisively who won. Candy Crowley skewered for biased moderating. Please. No one went after Tim Russert for his anti-Hillary, pro-Obama moderating.

Beyonce announced as halftime show for the Superbowl. Zzzzzz. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will host the Golden Globes. Sorry, but Ricky Gervais is the best. I love both women. Would rather Ricky! He knows how to keep it un-PC.

Lance Armstrong is on a downward spiral. Nothing is worse than the cancer he survived. Perspective is everything.

Nike hasn't dropped me as a sponsor. I'm in a special hell--one that would keep me from John Taylor's book signing, which I wish I could have attended--but nothing I can't handle. Worse is a gun at your back, threat of death, decades of nightmares and despair. Bad TV and Jersey Boys soundtrack keep a girl going.

A Silly Putty Nose, Extra 50 Pounds -- Sign Me Up for Oscar!!!

Watch Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock in this new movie. Might be really good or really bad. I can't tell. I don't see Hitchcock, except for the belly in profile. By contrast, Daniel Day totally looks like (b)Abe Lincoln. I saw Daniel Day on the street a few months ago, so I may go see that goopy, sappy movie. Oh heck, I'll see Tony as Alfie too!

Hitchcock gave good twist in Psycho (and you thought you were the only one, M. Night!!!). Who can forget the steam between Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly in Rear Window? That one chilled and thrilled me. Get my tickets ready, Fandango!

We all know my stance on Lance. 11 of his former team member have now confirmed the doping charges against him. It's a moot point. I support the cancer survivor in Lance and hope everyone can move on. Maybe I can forgive his telling Dishfriend she has fat legs. No, I can't forgive! Dishfriend is one of the most ripped babes I know.

Here's what the new Jersey Boys looks like! Cannot wait to get some tickets. They are so freaking expensive. I'm not sure I should spend 600$ this year on JB. In the words of Rizzo as she's about to have unprotected sex with Kenickie: Oh, what the hell!

I'm breaking my ban on losers for one confession. I listened to the sleazy recording between La-Lohan and her despicable father--though now he might be sanest of the bunch since he was smart enough to record the conversation and sell to TMZ. Horrifying. I am sorry that this once-talented girl has to be surrounded by such maniacs. Now that she's an adult, it's on her to extract herself.

You can do it, Lindsay. You'll feel so much better not to be around a lunatic (that goes double if it's a parent). I know I do...

Happy Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Today is the official appreciation day for Duran Duran, though Dish feels this should be a daily event. I greet the dawn with Simon's quirky lyrics filling my head "with chopstick." By mid-morning, my sense of Nick Rhodes aesthetic kicks in. I notice architecture, the ripple in my coffee, well-rounded nostrils. At noon, I Tweet my every move to the masses, just like John Taylor. Tea-time is quiet, like Roger Taylor--well, except for my drumming on the coffee table while watching reruns of Sex and the City. By night I prepare again for my New Religion by rocking out like the unofficial but no less precious member of Duran Duran: the indubitable Dominic Brown. To all this, let's say Amen.

So...my mother has a wild crush on heartily enjoyed the star of Jersey Boys, John Lloyd Young, who dazzled us last night. She raved how impressed she was with his sparkling brown eyes vocal range and could we go see the show again? Tee hee. I bet she's obsessively watching Youtube videos of Jersey Boys right this second to enhance her knowledge of music history. Hurray! This means I might see the show again! Dish is beyond barking-batsh*t-obsessed with the music of Jersey Boys. John Lloyd Young was pure magic.

Rumors that smells like bullcrap: 1. Brangelina getting married this weekend in France? I dunno. This smells old to me. 2. That X-Files costars Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny are doing the XXX, which is the fervent wish of diehard fans (and greatest heartbreak of Disholdestfriend).

Patriarch Joe Simpson was busted for DUI. LOL! Frowny face.

Jersey Boys Again!!!

Dish is attending a play with Dishmama and her friends. Sadly, Dish is still streppy but not contagious. I have a voice, albeit a little Babs meets Lauren Bacall. There are concerns that I might cough too loud (valid) or seem too sick, thereby not presenting myself in the best light, so I'm voiding my mucus now and timing my coughs for appropriate intervals. TG is charmed by the whole thing. Marriage is a process of discovery. Just the idea that I'll be listening/seeing Jersey Boys gives me non-fever chills of excitement.

In the news, I guess Kanye feels that Kim is his "perfect bitch" and she's all over that. I'm sorry, people, even with this perfect endearment, my warm cockles aren't believing this romance is anything but a sham. I'd need to see raw sex tape footage.

Oh What a Night!

It's official: Dish's previous life occurred sometimes during the peak of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons (must be before 7/15/68). I know this because the instant the music started, sweet tears gathered in my eyes. I thought I would die if I had to stay in my seat and not dance and sing. Well, I had to stay in my seat because I was crushed against a fleet of conservative Christians (southern accents, I'm thinking Texas due to hair). They tsked every time a Jersey boy dropped an F bomb, which was often. The tsk-ing row behind me left after twenty minutes. What did they think they were seeing? Jersey Boys was enjoyable, especially since it played my wedding dance song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HJ7w9MTCqs) and my favorite song of all time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4Y9JwY8pEk. Fret not: Duran Duran's Girls on Film is #2.

Speaking of Jersey, Bruce Springsteen has a new tour, new album. That piercing siren you hear in upper Manhattan is J.J. squealing with delight.

Angelina Jolie is getting so much flack for being skeletal. I say hurray! If you can live on 600 calories a day, you're my hero. I tried it when I was 15 but almost fainted. Granted, a skinny Jolie is not so jolie but it's all for art, right, Ange? The experts are telling her to eat salmon, fresh veggies, freaking edamame, leans meats and 5 raw almonds per day. Screw that!!! Diet Coke, water vapors and protein shakes all the way!