Here's Why You Should Never Peak Too Early

Olivia Newton John and John Travolta kill the dream of Gen-Xers everywhere with this pile of sh*t. I mean, do they think we're morons? It's not even cute. It's just stupid and insulting. What's with the soul patch and severe horrible chia pet pate on your head, JT? How did Olivia lower herself for this drek that I could have filmed on my iPad? This is so upsetting to me. Christmas sucks now.

Some good things: Dish is going to see Jersey Boys again! I've worked for the same place for 15 years and I'm getting extra dinero which will fund my Row 2 on December 19th. Who Loves You! And my fave Beverly Hills Housewife Brandi Glanville dissed LeAnn Rimes for letting her son accidentally eat her laxatives. Ugh...This smells so ugly. Dish has always been on Team Brandi. I'd totally be her BFF.


If you haven't heard enough about Emily Maynard, get ready for her stint on Dancing with the Stars. I'm done with her, though. Picked the wrong guy, rumors she was a big diva.

Okay! Off to Lily White's Party.

How Did I Not See 25 Years Ago How Gay Top Gun Is?

Our Saturday night date: The only movie we could agree on was Top Gun, which TG had never seen. Now as I watch, I'm seeing how completely homoerotic, right down to the steam baths and towel-snapping. You know TG doesn't like it when he says not to pause when he goes to the loo. He likes the flying, though.

Speaking of homoerotic and Scientologist, I used to have this album. When you open it up, the bottom portion is Travolta's crotch. My brothers made fun of the package and now I see how it all connects, like the collective conscious. 7 men have allegedly come forward with allegations of abuse.

Non sequitur: Don't trust airport security in Budapest. An 85 y.o. lady of modest means got mobbed by security and they made her give up her luggage so that they could rifle through it. When she got to her destination, her jewelry was gone. Nice, huh? Officials stealing from an old lady with a fixed income, probably taking heirlooms and nice things, and totally discombobulating her in the airport. F*ckers. Next time she should wear all her jewelry and stick a giant purple dildo in the suitcase for the security a-holes to find.

Dish Is Turning Fifty Shades of Red!

Ya know, the author makes some mistakes with language and lofty prose it ain't, but I'm there. As TG snored lightly beside me, I devoured the latest literary trend--and I can't wait to return to it. I get why Fifty Shades of Grey is steaming up ereaders across the world. I haven't reached any firecrotch scenes yet but already the building of virginal attraction has me hooked--and erotica usually bores me! Finally, an overnight sensation I can buy into. Twilight and Hunger Games left this dish cold.

Speaking of...boo, North Carolina.

Yay: Sofia Vergara is single. TG and I love to watch her boobs on Modern Family. They just spill out everywhere and it makes us laugh. She's so talented--even with the boobs. I'm sure she'll be off the market in seconds, though something tells me she needs an interesting bloke to keep her attention. Not just anyone will do.

Now receipts and photographic evidence have surfaced of Travolta not in the place in question on the date of alleged masseur abuse. To me, the photo looks poorly shopped -- like Kate's face in Titanic as she's riding the wave down the hallway. But maybe I just need bifocals progressive lenses. This situation is like Mt. Vesuvius.

I called someone a c-word today, but behind its back. This is what will happen if you mess with Dish!

Did John Touch the Wrong Throbbing Member*

That woke you up, didn't it? You're wondering, which John? I know a John. Uh oh. Don't worry, it's John Travolta who's now being picked apart for allegedly grabbing a massage therapist's appendage. If it's true, ewwwww. His camp claims he wasn't there to grab anything. Poor guy tends to attract scandalous gay headlines. He's married to Kelly Preston (I love her) so I'm sure he did nothing wrong, but J-Trav is so guilty of wearing those bad, bad wigs and some stinker films.

Woody Allen went to Phillipe with Lindsay Lohan 24 hours after I was there. If it had been the same night, I would have choked on my Peking duck. Then, after criticizing Woody for years over his personal life and film failures, I would have magically transformed into his biggest fan, perhaps even crying a little over such an epic sighting. "At least he married the girl," TG says.

Lost star Matthew Fox is lost after getting busted for DUI. He previously was in the news for drunkenness and punching a lady in the crotch in Cleveland (this should be a country western song).

Today's question: How long before Tanning Mom gets her own TV show? How did owners of Meow allow this kitty to get so fat and die?

Rest in peace, George Lindsey, Goober Pyle from The Andy Griffith Show. This show bored me. I will do the whistle in Goober's honor.

Allegedly, angry Tweeters are seething over the choice of Duran Duran to play for the Olympics. Ha. The people who can afford to attend would mostly be above 30, which would make Duran Duran a semi-logical choice. It's not as if The Beatles could play. The Rolling Stones, maybe? Elton's done just about every venue. Paul McCartney just played the Superbowl. I dunno, why not Duran Duran?

I'm not at all biased.

*Apologies to my relatives.