New Members of the Get a Life Club

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller and some judge are feudin' and gaggin' over custody of the twins, who must be so severely damaged by their crazy rents that TG and I are ready to open our loving arms to these boys, bring them into our dusty cubicle of an apartment and raise them to read books, be snootie-mcsnoots about mediocrity and eat Poptarts (we love those). Welcome to the club.

Tom Cruise allegedly alleges that his stunt work is like a tour of Afghanistan. Just uttering something close to this is blasphemy. I don't even say "military" since I might be misunderstood. You don't mess with the soldiers. They actually face death. Tom is just fine--sipping on his vitamin-enriched space juice. Welcome to the club, Tom. And me too because, hell, I love all his movies, even the shitty ones. Love ya, Tom, even though you kinda suck!

Doug and Courtney--fighting for their love, or separated. Can't tell but let's see how much we can cling desperately to fame by making out in public and say that we're separated. Here's what Dish thinks. She wants to bang someone else. I mean fifty more years with this guy? I can't take another hour! Get my fake boobs and schoolgirl laugh outta the House of Ben Gay.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Loving the 'tude. Loving the filler on Brandi's face. Love that she has such a hot boyfriend and their awkwardness on television. They just want to run into a bathroom and boink since talking is so strange for them. New brunette housewives, but waiting for the claws. Get a life because this show won't last that much longer.

Vanderpump Rules: Losers keep dating and breaking up with losers. Get a life, gorgeous waitstaff.

Parenthood: My love for Lauren Graham grows each day. I love how she's gained weight since her Gilmore Girl years. She's a normal woman, beautiful, luscious, fun and makes me feel the same way. Plus, only she can help make Ray Romano hotter than hell. They don't need to get lives because they sizzle our socks off.

My Holidays Are All About TV and Cat Puzzles

It's been implied that I'm a monster during the holidays. Hmmm. Well, then. I'll delve more deeply into my escapist entertainment. Here goes:

Episodes: I'm obsessed. Who knew Matt LeBlanc could be so funny? Love the two Brits. You must watch, if only to see how a Hollywood show gets made.

Lincoln: Okay, Daniel Day, you win. You are awesome. You only overact in one scene. I love you again. But I love Tommy Lee Jones even more!!! Dish doesn't think this'll win because it's too literate, i.e. thinky. Steven did not go for the waterworks so much until the end (cue same sh*tty music), which makes me like him again. I predict Lez Miz will win Best Picture because it's sentimental and easy to follow. Sally Field threw a marvelous hissy, so Nora Walker I squealed.

Jack Reacher: Sucks hard. Really hard. I usually enjoy Tom but he is completely miscast as the hulking law enforcer. The freaky villain made me laugh with his wonky eye and creepy villain voice. Luckily, Robert Duvall came in with a blower to get rid of some of the stink. My butt would've written a better script, too. Skip!

October Surprise Party!!!

These surprises can only be good for the Democrats. It makes me tired to write them all out so I'll just link to them! The first shows Mitt in an unflattering light when it comes to his support of women, especially sick women on the verge of divorce. The second is  Donald Trump's October surprise. I sort of feel that this is his initiation into the KKK via ransom note. Mr. Trump, we don't negotiate with terrorists. Oh, and in case you're interested: I flunked economics at Oberlin College! How's that for a transcript?


I love it when the stars sue the tabs though I'm a bit tabby. This time Tom Cruise is suing Life & Style for 50 million for printing that he abandoned his daughter. Team Tom!!! Suri is so cute and fashionable. Plus, don't you think the world would turn anti-Tom if he cut ties with the bambina? He's never going to do that. I'll admit, the photos of Tom spoiling Suri rotten make me happy. Why can't he be my daddy? Oh yeah...biologically not possible and psychologically twisted.

Today, I'm shedding tears for Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez who allegedly was discarded by Eva Langoria. How did he lose her? With a mug like his, I don't see how he'll ever find love again. Plus, he's a wallflower with no money or prospects for greatness. What chance did he ever have to sip the nectar of Cupid's sweet amore? Will this affect his throwing arm? There go the waterworks again.

In more celebrity splits, Jessica Simpson's mom and dad are divorcing and there are gay rumors floating about the father. All I remember is Papa Joe discussing Jessica's virginity and how she gave her husband--then, Nick Lachey--her precious gift and I thought, ew.

Bobby Brown bust for DUI again. It's his prerogative.

Stealing Mom's Clothes: Inappropriate or Awesome?

So, in the latest Keeping Up with the Kardashians, little Kylie and Kendall steal from their mom's closet. Kris gets all parenty about it and institutes a "library" system with the teens taking her duds. I'm sorry but stealing from your mom's closet is not only a pleasure, it's a daughter's RIGHT. Dish has been doing it since she was able to walk.

Say a prayer for Robin Roberts who has her bone marrow transplant this week. Transplants are no joke. They are make or break time. RR is such a delight and we need her back on the air, STAT.

I was sleepless in Seattle again, waking up at 4:59 am. I decided to read my Vanity Fair. All I can say is Holy Hannibal, Tom Cruise and Scientology are just so bananas, I felt like I was reading a movie script or The Handmaiden's Tale. The Master is coming out soon and already the Weinsteins are being harassed by the "church." Go out and get this issue immediately. Also in there is the article by Michael Lewis about Obama.

Has anyone seen Katie Couric's new talk show? I love her, can't wait to see it. On my DVR. Am distracted by TG's entry, introducing a box of wine into our house. All I can think is Kathy Griffin. TIP IT!

By now the news has fully hit that Blake and Ryan are married. What do Scarlett and Leo think??? It's only been 2 years since Ryan and Scarjo divorced. Is this true love?

But Before the Democratic Convention Starts

Prince Philip Takes a Cue from Dirty Harry! There's a pic from TMZ where our favorite geezer shows us a member of his royal staff. Sadly, his wang is blocked out and I can't find it anywhere. Oh wait, no I didn't just write that. Sorry, Mom! Curiosity is getting the best of me.

Remember how I said I didn't care about Tom Cruise's personal life? Okay, scratch that. If director Paul Haggis is seconding the Vanity Fair story about Tom's finding a new wife, I'm IN! Now I must find a copy of the mag. And yet, if that's how Tom wants to find a wife, it's very efficient. Arranged marriage are really not so awful as long as both parties are complicit.

Nicki Minaj is voting Republican. You just never know which side the stars fall on, so I had to Google a little. Registered Republicans include Adam Sandler, Heather Locklear, Dean Cain, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jessica Simpson, Susan Lucci, Bruce Willis, Kelsey Grammer. Registered Democrats that surprised me a little: Eminem, Faith Hill, Hulk Hogan, Jerry Springer, Jack Nicholson, Harrison Ford.

Bachelor Pad was so ugly last night, especially the ugly crying. Ed is useless, which made him a perfect match for Jaclyn who is horrid (fake or real horrid, I can't decide). As the season progresses I feel sorry for her because she so obviously is in love with this loser, who gives the lamest excuses for rejecting her while continuing to bang her.

If you want to know more about how Julia smells. Dish is running to a Lancome counter as we speak...

And watching the DNC. Let the gasbags begin!

Can We Be Quiet About Tom Cruise for Three Seconds?

Maybe not. There are new rumors about his Scientology wife recruiting so let's add more rumors to the wackadoo mill: He loves, loves marzipan and sticks it up his ass along with the dozen gerbils he borrowed from Richard Gere. Yeah, and Tom adores cooking, especially whisking up omelets for friends who drop over, which is every second because he's Tom. He's freakier than anything we could imagine. Men, women, cans of soda and CRAYONS. Tom spends his nights in a cooler, which is why he looks so fresh. They say that when he acts, he really gets into the role, like practices and works hard to memorize his lines. That's just how Tom is.

I'm so tired of rumors and speculation about Tom Cruise that I no longer care about his personal life, which is pretty hard core if you know me at all.

None of these people reveals themselves to us little people. I think the humidity is getting to me. Luckily, my afro is thoroughly gelled down with Bedhead. There is no moving these branches.

Can you tell nothing is happening? TG, Dishmama, and Dishstepfather are all snoring their faces off. It's not even 10pm. Time for Sons of Anarchy...

What in Blazes is Tom Wearing?

I'm really glad Tom is in NYC, but these jeans offend my eyes. Call me a fan of the wide-legged pant but don't they make his gams look tiny? These are important issues. At least he can pick up Suri. What a nice daddy. Wonder if Tom and Katie will see each other face to face.

Miss Advised: I can't help but feel strongly for these three dating experts. For many many many years, I went through the EXACT same things: horrible and confusing dates, the "don't be your total self" stuff, obsessing and invites to be the third party in threesomes. Bleck. It's hard to be a "good girl" in this world. I'm thankful I don't have to waste energy on this anymore, that I can be myself with someone who's better than I'd expected any spouse could be. I just want to wrap Emily, Amy and Julia in a great big Dish hug. It wouldn't be pervy at all. (Amy, I totally went out with a Lewis--exactly to a tee--and you were SO great to just walk out of the restaurant and in high heels! I wasted 6 months on what should have been two dates! Maybe I did that several times...)

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Reunion 2: Even TG started to get into it with the yelling, accusations and the bitchery. This one was tame and the wives all acknowledges their flaws. What the hell? Have feeling Vicki is on the verge of dumping Brooks. But if she's happy, why not date him? It's like my relationship with ice cream.

Last night's offenses: I started reading Portia Di Rossi's Unbearable Lightness and at the point where she describes upchucking Cheetos, my craving for the snack became almost unbearable. The more she obsessed about weight, the more I had to step on a scale. Every food she describes bingeing on, I must have. Like nachos. YUM! Loving this book, feeling admiration for Portia, but my brain is obviously twisted.

"Divorce, Divorce, Divorce"

I don't know if you recognize this line from Steven Seagal's Out for Justice where he plays a Brooklyn cop and wears a crazy beret. His wife leaves him because he's SOOOO devoted to his job (and wears a beret). What does this have to do with the staggering price of Apple products? Tom and Katie have allegedly settled their divorce/custody arrangement. That is AWESOME--and drama free. Makes me wonder: Katie must've had a HUGE, HUGE bargaining chip. Also in divorce: Laura Dern is divorcing Ben Harper, for real this time. I psychically knew this because, the other night, our waitress at some Belgian restaurant on the UES (yes, I went there) looked exactly like Laura. It was uncanny.

Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to a girl, named Penelope Scotland (ugh). I wonder if she pulled the baby out of her own maiden's flower the way she did with Mason. Kourt makes childbirth look so easy.

Is EVERYONE pregnant?

Thank goodness for the Countess who's getting those fertility treatments (at 47). It makes some of us feel better about being fertilately challenged. But then again, I sort of feel that if the Countess really wanted a baby, she'd fast-track it and do surrogate since she has the $$$ and everyone's doin' it. Why would she carry the baby herself when some sweet 20-something can. Others who are drinking the same baby water include Claire Danes and Mrs. McConaughey for the third time. Sookie is having twin vampires.

I have to divulge a fantasy. Lately, with the whole bombshell Cruise/Holmes divorce, I dream that one night a black limo will pull up at Katie's door. A hooded figure will emerge with strands of red peeking out (not Dish, but I like how you think). The figure is rushed into the building and knocks on the door of a massive apartment. Katie opens to find Nicole Kidman ready for the Mother of Sleepovers.

The tabs are saying Tom is revving up his army. Is that a mixed metaphor?

Happy Fourth of July!

Remember Born on the Fourth of July? You know who starred in it? Okay, never mind. I am so over this storyno, you're not. Because of my lack of attention span, I must do bulletpoints:

1. Someone cried during Cupcake Wars last night. I won't say who. Tweren't I.

2. Jessica Simpson wants to be 110 lbs but is satisfied to reach her pre-baby weight of 130. I scoured IMDB and discovered that she's 5'3. Using the associative property, Dish is thinner than Jessica pre-baby weight.

3. I went on a Facebook fast and lasted three days. See above idiocy to show what happens when you don't FB.

4. Bachelorette spoiler: I can see why Emily sent home Chris, though he's way cuter than Jef and Sean (not Arie). He seems like a sweet guy, though a bit uptight. Jef and Sean aren't competition for Arie, in my book.

5. Yentl: Dish had a Streisgasm this morning. Why did I not see this masterpiece before? Moral of the story: No one gets Babs because she's so special.

6. What is Suze Orman DOING? Dishmama called me in a panic last night over Suze hawking short term life insurance and her pre-paid credit card. This is not the Suze we know and love. She's already rich. Why is she doing this? I tried to find out information from her website and it smells like a duck.

Happy 50th Birthday, Tom Cruise!!!

Isn't it sad that I remember his birthdays every year? Do I get anything from him? No! Speaking of Tommy-Tomkins, he's spending his 50th in Iceland and wearing an aluminum suit. Is there anything sadder? Let's hope he breaks out the vitamins and sparkling cider and cuts a rug in his underpants. No one's watching.

There were allegations that Scientology was tailing Katie in their big creepy Escalades. So, TMZ called Scientology and was like, are you following her? And Scientology was like, no we're so not. TMZ was like, were you going to ship Suri into Sea Org, and Scientology was like, she's too young for our gleaming ocean program where we might search for alien treasure. Thusly, Scientology cleared of all suspicions! Dish read the Scientology textbook and can assure everyone that Suri is indeed too young for Sea Org. But then I also read the Paul Haggis article and Andrew Morton bio, which cast doubt on Scientology's assertions. How could a religion lie??? Especially if it prettifies so many celebrities: Jenna Elfman, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, Tom.

Just saw this: Rest in Peace, Andy Griffith [cue whistling]. A pleasure to behold.

Not in Cleveland

Dish had horrible nightmares of living in Crack Den, Ohio (gag!) in the worst possible hotel with a baby I had to protect. I kept going to the wrong floor, confronting thugs with guns until I finally escaped and ran to an oil company where they took good care of me. I kept having to go back into the den.

I blame Deepak Chopra for this dream since right before achieving sweet slumber, I found TWO typos in his book Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul, on p. 172 and 173. I expected more from you, Deepak. My soul was about to be resurrected, but you sent me back to Cleveland.

Today's skinny involves more Katie and Tom. It turns out, she's left Tom to be closer to Dish instead of Scientology. I know exactly where she's living, which means more trips to dreaded Whole Foods where I can spy*. I will at least let her know I'm available for babysitting (as long as Suri knows how to clean).

Alec Baldwin went gingie** to get married to his alluring--seemingly zen--yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas. They are a cute couple, for reals. Even Woody attended the event! Despite his condemnation of the media, A-Bald sold the wedding pics to People. Deep down, I'm happy for them if love resurrects their souls and renders him less batsh*t. Not so deep down, I compile the evidence that he's probably a big mess (though also brilliant and a celebrity, so much latitude needed, please). Why not just ignore paps who try to bait him? I hope Yoga helps calm him down. Or age does it.

*I won't do this. I hate going to Whole Foods.
**Oh, how Christian Grey of you, Alec. Dyeing is the man's facelift.

Happy Birthday, Dishmama!

Today she is on a jet plane, arriving way past her bedtime. We are at a loss how to celebrate when the goddess herself is in the air. I dove headlong into a movie marathon:

Safe House: Ryan Reynolds is an excellent action hero and he proves he can act in this thrill-packed CIA chase-reel. Denzel does his usual slick masterful mentor thing, killing some soldiers along the way. Predictable, repetitive, but what else is there? If you like watching things go boom, rent immediately. I loved it.

Young Adult: Another wit-tastic flick from Diablo Cody's pen. The sad thing is that I identified too much with the Charlize character, except I would never go back to my hometown to throw a big hissy over my first love. Life is hell. Charlize is perfect.

The Dictator: Far less irritating than Bruno or Borat. I laughed all the way through and enjoyed TG's hysterics. It was a nice change from his bitching at me to walk on the shady side of the street on our way to Union Square.

Mirror Mirror: I'm bewildered by how bad this is. I can't even stomach Julia. I hope she's screaming at whoever chose this project, even if it's to a mirror. I'm 10 minutes in, feeling that Julia needs Dish's help STAT to revive her career. I want her in an urban movie, playing a cold, beautiful socialite and screwing the daylights out of someone hot and not Tom Hanks. We've only seen her have sex in Sleeping with the Enemy (it made me uncomfortable) but it's time to shake things up and go for a less predictably Julia project (which is usually unpredictable, so by that, I would choose something I would predict she wouldn't choose).

The same advice for Tom Cruise--a career overhaul to deal with this next phase of life. No spacesuit or law enforcement stories. He was awesome in Rock of Ages but the movie seems to be tanking. Maybe the world doesn't want to see him shirtless anymore. I think he's brilliant when he wears a suit in a movie (Jerry Maguire, Lion for Lambs, Collateral). If his social life is going to hell, maybe Oscar should be his next goal.

Katie IS Brilliant X 2

According to TMZ, Katie filed for divorce and SOLE custody in NYC, which allegedly blind-sided Tom and works to her advantage. It seems a sexless marriage Scientology was the issue. Now the question is whether Tom will put up a nasty fight. If he's smart, he won't.

I wish I knew the whole story. Seriously, I wouldn't tell a soul except TG though he can't keep a secret. Wouldn't it be cool if Tom told the truth about everything? Could we handle the truth?

Rock of Ages--Hot Off the Presses!

I feel what the critics are saying about Rock of Ages. Here are my bulletpoints, combining pros and cons:

Disclaimer: I haven't seen the show and I'm sure it's better.

It could have been 15 minutes shorter. There were pacing issues, especially at the beginning.

Julianna Hough was miscast. She was better in Burlesque (don't rent that) where she played a funner, more interesting secondary character. Here, she blanded out, though I'm sure this is what the role calls for, a juxtaposition to the screen-stealers. The guy, sort of the same deal, but he had great moments performing.

If there's one reason to see the movie, it's Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is AMAZING in "Hit Me with Your Best Shot." She should always perform in musicals--film or stage. I don't care if she has bipolar disorder. She is brilliant. Bryan Cranston is his usual awesomeness and he will rock my world starting July 15th with the return of Breaking Bad.

I kind of like Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin together. Wonder what would have happened to cast actual gay men in the role, though that's probably offensive. You could sort of see the over-gaying-up. Still, they were fun.

Tom obviously studied and summoned the spirit of Axl Rose. He WAS Axl, especially around the ass, back and belly. It was frightening (so were his back wrinkles). Every time I feel Tom lacks talent, I watch him on screen and realize, Okay, he is a moviestar and my eyes are glued to the screen. I can't help loving him and there's a reason he's on film. Watching him made me want to ditch my too-big clothes and go skin-tight. SORRY, VIEWING PUBLIC. I might have to wear a snug dress to the mini-Duran Duran show I'm about to see. Tom makes middle age glamorous. So must we all be.

The music is full of nice mash-ups.

I Feel The Need...

...for a little Tom awesomeness in Rock of Ages. It's gotten stinky reviews, but I gotta go. I have the feeling TG finds me to be a boring, vile pig these days so will acquire high-brow culture to escape my mundane self. Might need to become Scientologist so I can be as vivacious and interesting as Tom. Stick those electrodes on and audit me, baby!

Star Sighting--Anna Deveare Smith!!!

As reported by Dishbrother: "Monday 5/21 3:10pm hailing a cab on W72nd St between Bway & Amsterdam. She looked great...but worried and late." She is kicking some serious acting-ass on Nurse Jackie. Though I have a special fondness for her performance in The American President.

During the Billboard Awards there was a kerfuffle between Ray J and the Houston family. The morning after, Ray J was allegedly out of it, hospitalized for dehydration and exhaustion. Dehydration: diarrhea, right? And exhaustion: from so much diarrhea. That's all I can think. Poor Ray J.

Sham marriage: Tom Cruise advised me during an Oprah interview (I know he was talking to me personally) that the tabloids are 100% garbage. But a recent blind item alleges that he and Katie have secretly split. I'm having some abandonment issues over this. While I want Katie to soar as an actress, I've become accustomed to them as a pair. It pains me to think of Tom as single. He's not getting any younger. Or is he?

It's official: I'm giving up The Today Show for GMA. Duran Duran is playing on 6/18 on the latter! 74 days until Dish sees them in concert again.

FB stock plunged, as TG had predicted (he's not in finance). I was going to buy shares but I gave my 2$ to my favorite homeless person in City Hall.

Breaking Bad gets bad again on July 15--Dish's birthday.

How Did I Not See 25 Years Ago How Gay Top Gun Is?

Our Saturday night date: The only movie we could agree on was Top Gun, which TG had never seen. Now as I watch, I'm seeing how completely homoerotic, right down to the steam baths and towel-snapping. You know TG doesn't like it when he says not to pause when he goes to the loo. He likes the flying, though.

Speaking of homoerotic and Scientologist, I used to have this album. When you open it up, the bottom portion is Travolta's crotch. My brothers made fun of the package and now I see how it all connects, like the collective conscious. 7 men have allegedly come forward with allegations of abuse.

Non sequitur: Don't trust airport security in Budapest. An 85 y.o. lady of modest means got mobbed by security and they made her give up her luggage so that they could rifle through it. When she got to her destination, her jewelry was gone. Nice, huh? Officials stealing from an old lady with a fixed income, probably taking heirlooms and nice things, and totally discombobulating her in the airport. F*ckers. Next time she should wear all her jewelry and stick a giant purple dildo in the suitcase for the security a-holes to find.

I Confess: I Love Tom Cruise Movies!!!

He may be rabid for Scientology, gay or not gay, weird, "a nasty little man"*, so powerful as to remove a Katie Holmes sex scene from Thank You for Smoking, intense, and giver of the strangest and/or corniest interviews ever, but I LOVE HIM. There, I said it. I love Tom Cruise. I love his movies--all of them. They make me feel good. He can't always act. Sometimes he's brilliant. I dunno. I JUST LOVE HIM for the awesome over-40 action star that he is. Today, Dish lost herself in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and, god, he revealed fierce athleticism as he outran a FREAKING SANDSTORM in Dubai. He's not scared of the world's tallest building or wrinkles or getting food poisoning from a random strawberry at a party in Mumbai. He's TOM! Thanks, TC, for delivering escapism once again. So much better than booze and drugs...not that these are my escapes of choice and he'd be against that. Taking my vitamins as we speak, TC! Cleansing!!!

Feels good to get that out.

More goodness: Giuliana and Bill are expecting baby via surrogate. Finally, a nice happy development for these two.

A special shout-out to a special Homegirl, who's been to hell and back. Time to party like it's 1999.

*A friend of a friend said this about dealing with him, but Judge Judy would dismiss this as hearsay, ergo bullcrap.