Happy 50th Birthday, Tom Cruise!!!

Isn't it sad that I remember his birthdays every year? Do I get anything from him? No! Speaking of Tommy-Tomkins, he's spending his 50th in Iceland and wearing an aluminum suit. Is there anything sadder? Let's hope he breaks out the vitamins and sparkling cider and cuts a rug in his underpants. No one's watching.

There were allegations that Scientology was tailing Katie in their big creepy Escalades. So, TMZ called Scientology and was like, are you following her? And Scientology was like, no we're so not. TMZ was like, were you going to ship Suri into Sea Org, and Scientology was like, she's too young for our gleaming ocean program where we might search for alien treasure. Thusly, Scientology cleared of all suspicions! Dish read the Scientology textbook and can assure everyone that Suri is indeed too young for Sea Org. But then I also read the Paul Haggis article and Andrew Morton bio, which cast doubt on Scientology's assertions. How could a religion lie??? Especially if it prettifies so many celebrities: Jenna Elfman, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, Tom.

Just saw this: Rest in Peace, Andy Griffith [cue whistling]. A pleasure to behold.

Positively Swimming With Star News. I Think.

Ugliness: Singer Gavin DeGraw got the crap beaten out of him, then hit by a cab in NYC on Sunday night. He's recovering at some hospital that starts with a B. I fear an awfuller story is behind this, but no details.

Kanye had the audacity to put himself in the league of Michael Jordan and Adolph Hitler. Hmmmmm. At least he covered both ends of the spectrum--good and evil. What would Ayn Rand say about Kanye? To be a true artist, wouldn't he have to choose one side?* I know where I'd put him--in the category labeled: Atonal Scenery-Chewer. I've tried to stay on board the Kanye train but I keep throwing myself back off.

Has the truth about the Brad and Jen split come to light? According to Mr. and Mrs. Smith producer Arnon Milchan, Brad fessed his love for Ange and Jen threw him out. I would believe this over the "nothing happened during filming" nonsense. It's been 7 years. Who cares?

TG and I put on our serious faces to watch The Next Three Days, a film by Paul Haggis. I had misgivings since I hated Crash (TG liked it) but Haggis's New Yorker confessional on Scientology wooed me back. In the end, we loved this movie! Lots of suspense, good performances, especially Trudie Styler's delightful cameo (nice facelift), wonderful Aisha Hinds in a too-small part, Liam Neesom's interesting hybrid Irish-Brooklyn accent and fabulous showcasing of Elizabeth Banks's range as an actress. It was fun to revisit Russell Crowe's serious-concerned facial expressions as he went from being a teacher to a badass. He excels at the badass. Worth a rent.

Lastly, recent discovery: my sister-in-law knows The Monkees. Davy Jones made her tea. I am closer to greatness.

*I sided with Howard Roark when I was 22, then realized he was a dick. And a rapist.