A Television Dilemma for the New Year

I already know the answer, but, Dishreaders, I have a problem I'll put out to you, The Universe. Should I watch The Bachelor again premiering on January 7th? I shouldn't but I will for these reasons:

1. Bachelor Sean Lowe looks as if he could be my cousin (on the paternal side), which has an ew factor. BUT I HAVE TO ROOT FOR FAMILY.
2. If I remember correctly, Sean's into Jesus, so I imagine some of the girls will be faking religion, which is a MUST-SEE. Will there be any covert boinking?
3. The cast is more diverse, which makes it politically correct even though the show is basically prostitution, misogynistic and a forum for public humiliation, i.e. read Foucault's Discipline and Punish.
4. I'm going to count how many times someone a. bursts into tears. b. says, "I'm in love with this man." c. says, "This is amazing." and d. says, "It couldn't have gone better."
YES! I WILL WATCH!

Some sad news for two of my faves: Britney Spears might be fired from X Factor for allegedly being too boring. Don't you wonder what happened to her? She seems okay now after a rough time in her 20s but Dish still feels she had psychotic break from post-partum, this based on no knowledge of her life or medical background. Katie Holmes's run in Dead Accounts is ending early, at the beginning of January. Despite this, I have so much hope for her future.

The most manly stars--and Rudy Giuliani--always wind up in drag.

Lady Gaga Gains Weight, World Falls Apart: Coincidence?

It was a stinker of a week but for one shimmering moment, I had the pleasure of seeing recent pictures of Lady GaGa, who apparently has packed on a few pounds. Oh, Lady, I'm so with you! I didn't Google out of schadenfreude since I wouldn't schaden a Gaga with talent. No, I did it because I need permission to let myself go. If Lady GaGa can do it, then by Jebus, I will eat the coconut donut I saved for TG. I will take the day off from working out because I'm freaking tired. Gaga doesn't look the least bit miserable and neither does Aguilera. Let's all get fat. I mean, the ones who spent so much time starving themselves for The Business. It's time to eat. The rest of you, go back to your broccoli and salmon and treadmill. Dr. Oz says that eating right will help the economy. He had a long explanation but I won't go into it.

Dish snuck in The Romantics, a 2010 indie flick starring a host of good-looking stars such as Katie Holmes, Josh Duhamel, Anna Paquin, Malin Akerman and Elijah Wood. As I watched the semi-cliche, I realized that Katie really can act. She has some authentic moments in the film, which made me appraise her repertoire (I'm sure you have too). The public automatically labeled her as mediocre because she married you-know-who but we haven't given her a fair shake. For now, sure, admire her tallness and perfect face, then put your silver medal on this cookie. The gold will come. (Though, she was blah in Batman Begins)

Here's why I love Sarah Silverman.

"Divorce, Divorce, Divorce"

I don't know if you recognize this line from Steven Seagal's Out for Justice where he plays a Brooklyn cop and wears a crazy beret. His wife leaves him because he's SOOOO devoted to his job (and wears a beret). What does this have to do with the staggering price of Apple products? Tom and Katie have allegedly settled their divorce/custody arrangement. That is AWESOME--and drama free. Makes me wonder: Katie must've had a HUGE, HUGE bargaining chip. Also in divorce: Laura Dern is divorcing Ben Harper, for real this time. I psychically knew this because, the other night, our waitress at some Belgian restaurant on the UES (yes, I went there) looked exactly like Laura. It was uncanny.

Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to a girl, named Penelope Scotland (ugh). I wonder if she pulled the baby out of her own maiden's flower the way she did with Mason. Kourt makes childbirth look so easy.

Is EVERYONE pregnant?

Thank goodness for the Countess who's getting those fertility treatments (at 47). It makes some of us feel better about being fertilately challenged. But then again, I sort of feel that if the Countess really wanted a baby, she'd fast-track it and do surrogate since she has the $$$ and everyone's doin' it. Why would she carry the baby herself when some sweet 20-something can. Others who are drinking the same baby water include Claire Danes and Mrs. McConaughey for the third time. Sookie is having twin vampires.

I have to divulge a fantasy. Lately, with the whole bombshell Cruise/Holmes divorce, I dream that one night a black limo will pull up at Katie's door. A hooded figure will emerge with strands of red peeking out (not Dish, but I like how you think). The figure is rushed into the building and knocks on the door of a massive apartment. Katie opens to find Nicole Kidman ready for the Mother of Sleepovers.

The tabs are saying Tom is revving up his army. Is that a mixed metaphor?

Happy 50th Birthday, Tom Cruise!!!

Isn't it sad that I remember his birthdays every year? Do I get anything from him? No! Speaking of Tommy-Tomkins, he's spending his 50th in Iceland and wearing an aluminum suit. Is there anything sadder? Let's hope he breaks out the vitamins and sparkling cider and cuts a rug in his underpants. No one's watching.

There were allegations that Scientology was tailing Katie in their big creepy Escalades. So, TMZ called Scientology and was like, are you following her? And Scientology was like, no we're so not. TMZ was like, were you going to ship Suri into Sea Org, and Scientology was like, she's too young for our gleaming ocean program where we might search for alien treasure. Thusly, Scientology cleared of all suspicions! Dish read the Scientology textbook and can assure everyone that Suri is indeed too young for Sea Org. But then I also read the Paul Haggis article and Andrew Morton bio, which cast doubt on Scientology's assertions. How could a religion lie??? Especially if it prettifies so many celebrities: Jenna Elfman, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, Tom.

Just saw this: Rest in Peace, Andy Griffith [cue whistling]. A pleasure to behold.

Not in Cleveland

Dish had horrible nightmares of living in Crack Den, Ohio (gag!) in the worst possible hotel with a baby I had to protect. I kept going to the wrong floor, confronting thugs with guns until I finally escaped and ran to an oil company where they took good care of me. I kept having to go back into the den.

I blame Deepak Chopra for this dream since right before achieving sweet slumber, I found TWO typos in his book Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul, on p. 172 and 173. I expected more from you, Deepak. My soul was about to be resurrected, but you sent me back to Cleveland.

Today's skinny involves more Katie and Tom. It turns out, she's left Tom to be closer to Dish instead of Scientology. I know exactly where she's living, which means more trips to dreaded Whole Foods where I can spy*. I will at least let her know I'm available for babysitting (as long as Suri knows how to clean).

Alec Baldwin went gingie** to get married to his alluring--seemingly zen--yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas. They are a cute couple, for reals. Even Woody attended the event! Despite his condemnation of the media, A-Bald sold the wedding pics to People. Deep down, I'm happy for them if love resurrects their souls and renders him less batsh*t. Not so deep down, I compile the evidence that he's probably a big mess (though also brilliant and a celebrity, so much latitude needed, please). Why not just ignore paps who try to bait him? I hope Yoga helps calm him down. Or age does it.

*I won't do this. I hate going to Whole Foods.
**Oh, how Christian Grey of you, Alec. Dyeing is the man's facelift.

Katie IS Brilliant X 2

According to TMZ, Katie filed for divorce and SOLE custody in NYC, which allegedly blind-sided Tom and works to her advantage. It seems a sexless marriage Scientology was the issue. Now the question is whether Tom will put up a nasty fight. If he's smart, he won't.

I wish I knew the whole story. Seriously, I wouldn't tell a soul except TG though he can't keep a secret. Wouldn't it be cool if Tom told the truth about everything? Could we handle the truth?

Katie Holmes is Brilliant!

My late 20s sucked and I imagine they did for Katie as well (because I just know). Her engagement to Chris Klein ended and her career was in flux--though brazilliant in Pieces of April and The Gift. Why NOT marry Tom Cruise? She only had to stay with him for a set amount of time--allegedly. Now she has a gorgeous daughter and her whole fabulous 30s to look forward to. Tom would never let her starve on the street. If she keeps her mouth shut about what their marriage was really all about (don't say "true love"), he might even help her along the way.

I wonder if she'll stick with Scientology or go back to Catholicism, as did Nicole.

Divorce is terrible, but I'm just filled with hope over Katie's future. The only thing that offends me is the assumption that Tom will go to John Travolta, as if saying that a gay Scientologist should only date another gay Scientologist*.

*If you believe the rumors, which I don't necessarily do, do I?

Happy Birthday, Katie Holmes!

It's nice that there's been mellowing over Katie Holmes allegedly held prisoner by Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology. If you hang in, the story eventually dies. Dish only cares about her movie roles, which got a boost with The Kennedys. I can't forget her performance in The Gift and Pieces of April. I know she can succeed, with or without a mans.

Speaking of mans, A.J. McLean of the Backstreet Boys got hitched! He was the troubled one.

Two elevator deaths besieged NYC in one week: Ad exec Suzanne Hart died horrifically in a freak accident that could happen in any of these death machines in the city. Another woman was lit on fire by a fiend, who has been arrested.

Angry Birds masters were featured in The Post. Being great at Angry Birds seems like an Al Pacino "m... f... waste of my time." I love Angry Birds because it's the only thing -- aside from TG's soft-spoken observations of the ridiculous -- that distracts me on the subway, no small feat since I battle claustrophobia almost daily.

Trying to keep myself from watching the finale of Dexter. I won't sleep...

Why I love Michael Buble and Jimmy Fallon: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/buble-duets/1374390, especially the dead-on Sting imitation!